Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Help request: independent school recommendation for a clever, gentle girl

46 replies

WhatHo · 08/10/2023 14:30

I am looking for any suggestions of a school that would suit my daughter who has been very buffeted by her year. She will do well in any school academically so I'm looking for one with a rep for a nice normal children.

DD is a lovely person, very normal and likeable, albeit gentle and law abiding, and is being ousted and excluded by her previous friendship group and is struggling to find her feet with another one. Her year has been described as 'the bitchy year' by the rest of the school so I think she's just got unlucky with her cohort. She was fine in Y7 and most of Y8 but has been struggling last term and it's got worse this term. It is a non selective girls school and gets a lot of risk-taking behaviour, and I am wondering if she would suit a more academic and focused school instead. However I think a really thrusting one may not be best either.

Can anyone think of a middle ground? Midlands/ South East preferably. Would prefer single sex but mixed would be considered.

OP posts:
MrsPuddle · 08/10/2023 14:40

Hmm, perhaps you should read your post again and consider why no one has replied. You have a perfect child who needs to change school and you are ‘looking for one with a rep for a nice normal children.’ As opposed to what?

what do you define as a normal child? How many schools have normal children in them do you think in the midlands/ south east?

🙄

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2023 14:41

Day school or boarding? Is she year 9?

TBH girls only schools will always have a bitchy element so you need to check the cohort wherever she goes.

St Marys Ascot
Downe House
Shiplake (co-ed)

Sorry I don't know many Midlands schools

redskytonights · 08/10/2023 15:00

That sort of girls' drama is absolutely par for the course in Year 9, tbh. So not sure you'll find that changing schools is the magic answer.

Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 15:01

@MrsPuddle Goodness me. She's not perfect - your words not mine - she's a standard 13 year old, albeit quite a gentle one. I think she'd prefer to be loud and naughty. It's interesting you think that's perfect. How do YOU define perfect by the way?

To be fair I'm not sure I can define normal. I guess what I mean is not obscenely wealthy or top-league bright or future world leader. Just...standard 13 year old nice? No I cant really define that word either. Perhaps you could help me rephrase it? Genuine question, I'm looking for help here not a fight.

I only posted 10 mins before you replied so I'm not sure that many people have had time to pass judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 15:07

@Pipsquiggle Thank you. Yes totally hear you on girls and cohorts. Day if near Brackey/Daventry, boarding otherwise (not keen on Stowe). I dont know Shiplake - thank you.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2023 15:10

WhatHo · 08/10/2023 15:01

@MrsPuddle Goodness me. She's not perfect - your words not mine - she's a standard 13 year old, albeit quite a gentle one. I think she'd prefer to be loud and naughty. It's interesting you think that's perfect. How do YOU define perfect by the way?

To be fair I'm not sure I can define normal. I guess what I mean is not obscenely wealthy or top-league bright or future world leader. Just...standard 13 year old nice? No I cant really define that word either. Perhaps you could help me rephrase it? Genuine question, I'm looking for help here not a fight.

I only posted 10 mins before you replied so I'm not sure that many people have had time to pass judgement.

OK - ignore my suggestions. St Marys & Downe House tend to serve extremely wealthy families.

It sounds like you should stay fairly local - have a look at the Good Schools Guide or Snobe.

My teacher friends say Y9s are notoriously the hardest year group so by changing schools it might exacerbating her situation.

Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 15:10

@redskytonights I do hear you and appreciate that Y9 is intense for girls. It just worries me there might be a deeper problem when the entire rest of the school calls her year 'the bitches'. Have you a DD who went through it?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 15:18

@Pipsquiggle thank you, I'll do that. Have a horrible feeling it will recommend the school she is in which has a good rep. I also hear you about maybe riding it out being the best option even if she's miserable right now.

Her year group though... yeesh. There was a bullying incident which was genuinely awful and certain dorms are excluding anyone who doesnt vape.

OP posts:
QGMum · 08/10/2023 15:52

I think there might be a problem with the entire school if it is considered ok to label an entire year group ‘bitches’ . If you are looking for ‘normal’ what’s wrong with a local state school? I speak as someone who chose private day school for my children but now not sure I would make the same choice again.

DaffodilsRoses · 08/10/2023 16:06

Shiplake has only just gone coed from 11. First cohort of girls for y9 will be 2025 so won’t work for your daughter.

You may find you don’t have huge options for a mid y9 entry (particularly the academic schools) so you might find it easier to contact all the day schools which would work for you, find out which ones have places and ask for feedback on those.

I think you are getting a hard time on here re your description - everyone knows what you mean. You aren’t personally attacking an individual girl just trying to illustrate the problem. I bet posters have all been in an environments like this at sometime and it’s horrible.

Sometimes years just don’t click/work. I was in one of those years at school. Looking back if the school had probably excluded about 5 girls it would have changed the year completely, but it doesn’t work. I was miserable and my parents didn’t move me. There was low level bullying the entire time and it massively dented my confidence.

MrsMitford3 · 08/10/2023 16:08

Def not Queen Anne's in Caversham

underneaththeash · 08/10/2023 16:12

I'd start by calling round the local schools first and see if anyone has a place. Headington or Haileybury are the two boarding schools which jumped out at me when you described your daughter. Whether Haileybury would have a place though?
If you're going to move her, I would do it asap as many indies are choosing their GCSEs soon.

Wishingwell57 · 08/10/2023 16:12

Cobham Hall school.

TheOutlaws · 08/10/2023 16:12

@WhatHo

What have I just read? Certain dorms excluding those who don’t vape? And you’re PAYING for this? I’m so so sorry your DD is having to put up with this kind of behaviour. FWIW I went to an independent school for secondary and genuinely couldn’t get out of there quick enough due to behaviour like this.

I teach at a state secondary about 20 miles from you and while there is vaping in the toilets, it’s not institutionalised vaping!!

Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:18

@theoutlaws - I was mind blown and I'm really hoping that she's exaggerating, in the classic teen 'EVERYBODY is x' then it turns out to be about 3 people. But the school does have a problem with vaping.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:20

@QGMum 'bitchiest' not bitches - my typo - and I think pretty standard language for teen girls but yeah. I'm not discounting the local state which is good (and over subscribed) but she always wanted to board so I'm still hunting that bird atm.

OP posts:
BandicootCrash · 08/10/2023 16:20

Academically selective schools won't have spaces, although I guess you could ask to be put on a waiting list.

You're better off widening her social circle outside of school. What hobbies is she interested in? There's year 9 drama (girls and boys) in every school, being the new girl won't help with that.

Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:27

@DaffodilsRoses Ah thank you. Plus I went to a school which was newly co-ed in the 6th form and it was hell so thank you for the heads up.

And yes, thank you for understanding - you've described by fear exactly. For example I know friends' daughters in the year below hers and there's drama but it's really straightforward.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:28

@underneaththeash I would LOVE Headington but just too far which wouldnt be an issue but the boarding is mostly overseas as far as I can tell. I'll check out Haileybury.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:29

@BandicootCrash yes very wise advice. she's an extremely good artist and she's looking at getting more involved outside of school.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:29

@Wishingwell57 thank you I'll check it out.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 08/10/2023 17:55

WhatHo · 08/10/2023 16:28

@underneaththeash I would LOVE Headington but just too far which wouldnt be an issue but the boarding is mostly overseas as far as I can tell. I'll check out Haileybury.

I personally know 2 year 9 girls who board there (3 days a week, but different days to each other)

Pipsquiggle · 08/10/2023 18:08

Haileybury is a good shout

If you're down that way you might as well check out st Edmunds (it's a Catholic school but not that religious) and potentially Queenswood - although I have heard mixed reports, from a long time ago though

Carouselfish · 08/10/2023 18:20

Kudos to you op for recognising moving her is better than making her suffer through it.

HelpaFriend85 · 08/10/2023 18:27

Is Kings High in Warwick too far?

year 9 is the worst year full stop though at secondary school.

kids just seem to want to be cool rather than have fun. My yr7 DD is struggling with the change to Seniors.