Twins want to go to different secondary schools

[MoreTrafficChaos]

My two both have different opinions and preferences on secondary schools.
DT1 - local school about 25 min walk (school A)
DT2 - school further away about 45 mins walking and bus (school B)
I must admit I am torn between the two schools so I don’t have a problem with the ones they have chosen as the ones they like. I was thinking that they would both end up with each other’s chosen school as 2nd preference anyways because of what I felt was appropriate. It’s also likely they would both then end up at A.
I was then going to let them choose their own 3rd preference because I can’t make my mind up and we are pretty much guaranteed school A. They both have different opinions on their chosen third preference as well. One likes school C and the other school D. However, to complicate things, DT2 wants B, D then A. I don’t know whether to just go with this knowing they will definitely end up in different schools or to put my foot down because “mother knows best” and put what I want down so they end up in the same school (even though I am 100% clueless and going on instinct…?)

@UsingChangeofName I have two dc currently in secondary school. I'm not talking as the parent of a toddler with only a vague notion of what secondary entails.

Collections - various. Foodbanks, harvest collections, Amazon add on, bring a quid for non uniform, more I cant think of.

Xmas fayre dates, concerts, award nights, sports festivals.

Dinner money systems, messaging systems, Inset dates. And yes rules and policies are for dc to be aware of but parents need oversight and input (in our school anyway).

Just lots of general stuff.

Our PTA are very active and raise a small fortune for the school so it's not unusual in our school.

Personally I'd not even consider sending two dc to different schools. But then I wouldn't allow a 10/11 year old to decide which school they attend full stop tbh so the ops situation isn't one I'd have faced.

Twins near us put down different preferences last academic year, they both got allocated the same school, the one nearest to us that was first choice for one but not the other, the council said this was because there policy was to place twins in same school. Parents appealed, I’m not sure exactly what happened but they are now in the different schools they wanted initially

Unless there are vast differences between the schools I would encourage them to attend the same one.

I have just had 6 years of my DC never attending the same primary school and the amount of extra faff and bandwidth shouldn't be underestimated
Different inset days
Different IT systems
Different PTAs
Different communications
Different uniform
Different feature weeks
2 summer fetes
2 parents evenings
2 winter fairs........

The list goes on and it's an absolute ball ache.

It will be worse at secondary school due to the extra curricular clubs and the number of different subjects and homework. What if they both have an after-school activity on the same night? How are they going to get home?

How about friendship groups? Sounds like you will be ferrying around a lot, particularly for school B.

My strong advice is that they should go to the same school, probably school A, unless they are can get themselves to school and back independently - it won't help with the admin shit but logistics is a huge headache.

What you don't explain is why any of these things would present a particular issue? For example, the collections. Are you actually suggesting that if both twins attended the same school you'd recommend only sending one with money on non-uniform day? And if not, what does it matter?

Likewise, who cares if the PTA is active or not. How does having twins at different schools make that any more OPs concern than if they were at the same school?

For DT2 will you be relying on the school bus to bring them home after school?

If this is the case, they may never be able to do any after school clubs or you will have to collect them.

You need to make this clear to DT2

unless A is much better than D in which case I'd put my foot down about the order of D and A.

D and A are pretty similar. Difference being D requires public transport (which is pretty regular) and A is walkable.

How about friendship groups? Sounds like you will be ferrying around a lot, particularly for school B.

Good point about B.

What are DT2's reasons for preferring D over A? Does DT2 want to go to a different school to DT1? Or just genuinely prefers B & D to A?

I think I'd be talking to DT2 and making a list of the pros and cons of D and A before deciding which to put second and which to put third. Of course the local authority will choose in the end so DT2 might end up with A but will feel differently about it if they felt forced into putting A second and D third. However, I would want to be convinced that D was genuinely a better choice than A before agreeing to put it second. I think ideally it would be a shared decision but at the end of the day, you're the parent and DT2 is only 10.

We would be relying on the school bus. But an occasional trip to the school wouldn’t be too bad I don’t think.
B runs a lot of clubs in the middle of the day. They have a longer lunch break and finish slightly later.

I will definitely be making this clear to DT2 though.

Oh dear, sounds like a lot of unnecessary hassle for that family. I hope our LA doesn’t try the same trick if we go for different ones.

Some great questions and pointers there. I think we shall make the lists together and I will make sure they both have access to the same information to be able to form informed decisions and we can make the final decision together.

I’m debating whether I should ring up the 4 schools and ask whether we can come for an individual tour of the schools during the school day. We went on the open evenings but I’m starting to thinks we are trying to make decisions with very limited information and just what we had been told on the open evenings. I could make a list of questions and ask them all the same questions - might be good if I get DT1 and DT2 to make their own lists as well and I might get a better idea of what their thoughts are.

I'm not sure you've specifically said but I guess they're happy to be in different schools? One isn't going to be leaning on the other to change preferences?

I want to say I'd encourage them to make their own choices (assuming all schools are broadly equal) but you need to have really really really considered the logistics. What if the weather is really shit and they're bot nagging you for a lift? Is one on the way to your work and one not, so you might end up giving one a lift more than the other? Driving to friends, parties and events at weekends? So much to consider.

If one is a dedicated school bus how are they going to get to friends at weekends and in the holidays?

I've got 2 at the same secondary and while some things are easier some are harder too. We went to an evening for higher education options and the kids could pick 3 sessions from a list of 8 that interested them. Mine picked completely different things and I could only go to half of them. Dh works shifts so parents evenings are also a nightmare trying to get round 6 different teachers x 2 on the same night. So maybe those things being on different nights in different schools would actually be easier? Although the same night in different schools would be even worse.

What you don't explain is why any of these things would present a particular issue?

@Bookish88 it's additional unnecessary time and faff I wouldn't care to deal with for 5 years.

Maybe if you just have the two dc or you're a SAHP or just have a lot of spare time in general it wouldn't be an issue. For me the issue would be time and headspace.

If you don't agree that the things I've listed need some degree of time and headspace dedicated to them, which you'd be unnecessarily doubling up on by having two schools, then let's ageww to disagree.

I would send them to the same school. Whichever one I wanted them to go to. I don’t believe kids of that age should get to choose. I am mum. I know what’s best. I also would want an easier life. Life is hard enough. You will have so many different events. Different concerts/ sports events etc. My kids are going to end up at different school because our local schools are seperate boys and girls schools. But gosh if I could sent them to the same school and I was happy with it I would.

Make a point of explaining the wish on the CAF, as otherwise, most schools will offer places to both because they're twins.

Assuming A and B are good schools and they can get there independently, then I’d let them put them down as first and second choice as they wish.

If they have to pick a third, and both C and D will be a hassle to get to they’d I’d insist they agree on one or other, or you decide. You don’t want two schools a long way a way.

@MoreTrafficChaos you do need to read what the local authority admissions policy is on multiple births as this question about different schools might be completely pointless.

I do agree with pp that your DC are only 10 and you need to make the final decision.

I'm not sure we can agree to disagree as I still don't understand your point. None of the things you mention require any degree of headspace.

This is interesting @MoreTrafficChaos and you have had a lot of good advice.

Some will weigh more heavily than other tho.

I think your DCS' PoV to want different things is very valid - I can imagine that if you are a twin, you are more than ever keen to strike out on your own. What is it that DT2 specifically prefers about school B? Is it valid (ie not 'I liked the head teacher's pink jumper' but more 'I want to learn Spanish/do coding club')?

I have had DC secondary and DC with varied interests and I think most of the issues flagged about the headspace/admin of two schools would not carry much weight for me.

I agree with @UsingChangeofName that parents evenings on different dates would be a GODSEND; secondary PE are such a PITA even with one child. So that's deffo a positive. Might be worth finding out what day they do them on tho (my DCs' school was always Thursday) as if it could be the same day it would clearly be impossible.

I think for me the issues around collecting money, inset days (secondary kids are fine on their own and mine usually organised something with friends), PTA (don't get involved- most parents don't - or take it in turns if you are keen), Christmas and summer fairs (not often held in secondary tbh), IT systems (?), uniforms (just buy each the right blazer, no hassle), and theme weeks (again not often a thing) are red herrings and not things I would personally mind having to deal with.

One issue might be concerts - if you have very musical DC then you will be setting up for several years of either clashes (divide and conquer) or two concerts in one week (suck it up). It's manageable tho I reckon. Also the same thing for sports fixtures perhaps.

I agree you need to make it clear to DT2 that if they get into school B, they will not be able to do after-school stuff - this might be play rehearsals for example, would this be an issue?

I see the point of ppl who say 'I choose, I'm the adult' - but given that these DC have expressed a preference, it seems a bit unfair to say to one 'well that's tough.' Talk it through some more - and the questions for schools idea is a good one.

It's really not difficult to have DC at two different schools. It's a situation that is really common for parents who prefer single sex schooling.

I've got 2 DC at different secondary schools (not twins) and so far it's fine. It's a bit of a pain having two different payment/messaging systems but it's not a deal-breaker. One of them is a public transport journey away and one is a walk. Positives are that they can both be their own person without pressure from others preconceived ideas of them.

I have decided not to participate in the PTA of the one further away but really that's just about distance rather than having two children there. Likewise I'll go to events there that DD1 is in our cares about, but won't go out of my way to go there.

So I guess distance plays more of a part than whether or not DD2 goes there. It's quite nice to have at least one child at a more local school where I'd be more inclined to be involved.

DD2 also has boy/girl twin friends who have gone to different schools. Like a PP, the girl was desperate to go to the local girls school and parents didn't want her not to have her choice just because she is a twin.

I agree with @Bookish88 and others. I really can't see the issue with some of the things some posters are raising as potential difficulties.

I had mine in different secondaries (siblings, not twins), and yes, I have more than 2 dc and I have also always worked, but it was never an issue.
I think knowing that I have been fair to both / all my dc by making the best choices for each of them as individuals far outweighs any perceived inconvenience of them being at separate schools.

Same as if one wanted to do football on a Saturday and one wanted to do drama. I'd work out a way to make it work, not take a decision that implies one's choice is more important or valid than the other's.

I’ve got kids at different schools and it really isn’t a massive deal. I quite like it if they have slightly different inset days or holiday start dates because there’s the chance of some 1:1 time with them. They get to school by themselves so that’s not an issue. And if you’re somewhere with decent public transport they can also get to see their friend’s on the weekend if they want to. Or get them a bike.

It’s not like primary school where they need more supervision and there tends to be a lot more parent involvement.

My parents let my elder sibling choose and then I just had to go to the same school later. They loved it and I hated it. Knew I would. Changed after 2 years. We have 3 children at 3 different schools because we let them choose what is best for themselves with some guidance from us but ultimately their choice.

Yes I agree there are no huge issues with having two at different schools. The vast majority of people who have more than one child will have kids at different schools at some point due to the age gap and one being at primary and one being at secondary and manage it perfectly well.

Obviously for OP having twins it will be 5 years of them being at different schools but it really isn't the headache some people are making it out to be.

I'd check how your LA allocates spaces tbh. It's not usual to have twins separated. You may need to actually request their application be processed completely separately to avoid one twin automatically getting a sibling place with the others.