sending one DC to private secondary but not the other

[StillWantingADog]

We in the very lucky position of potentially being able to afford to send both DCs to the local highly sought after and very academic private school. To send one would be very feasible....both would be a stretch but just about manageable with adjustments and some family help which my parents have kindly offered. Both kids are very bright - DS1 (y6) is quite introverted, obsessed with maths, science and gaming. A future IT geek, most likely. DS2 (y4) is the opposite, extroverted and a real all rounder, obsessed with sport, also interested in music.

Currently applying for high schools for DS1, luckily the local catchment comprehensive is good and improving and as it stands that is where he wants to go. He is fairly (but not 100%) opposed to the idea of the going to the private school. He has agreed to visit the open day this weekend and keep an open mind for now but when it comes to the crunch he will want to go with his friends - as did I when I had this exact conversation with my parents aged 10 so I know what it's like! He may be persuaded to sit the test as a back up option as the chances of not getting a place at the catchment high school are small but not impossible (none of the other state options are attractive). I am not really inclined to try and send him against his will, even if he agreed to sit the test I don't think he'll agree to put in the prep work (this would be pretty light touch at best so he might not get a good enough score) so overall it looks unlikely to happen even though I know he's bright enough.

Meanwhile DS2 I think would absolutely love all the extra curricular activities on offer at the private school and would absolutely benefit from it (not saying DS1 would not but it would be in a different way). I can already imagine a lot more enthusiasm for taking the test too - he's a very diligent little boy, so probably more likely to pass. Could it be feasible to send DS2 if he was keen but not DS1? I have 'sold' the idea to DS1 as much as I could but at the end of the day it's his decision. I mean we could certainly help DS1 in other ways however I do wonder how this could play out long term. Sounds awkward!

My question I suppose is, is it fair to deny the opportunity to DS2 just because DS1 doesn't want it? And have others gone down this route and how has it panned out?

We sent DS1 private and DS2 to state. Basically we chose the right school for each of them based on a number of factors. DS1 got an academy scholarship that DS2 would never have got and we couldn’t afford to pay without it. DS2 went to comp within walking distance of the house, loved it and had a great local group of friends. DS1’s friendship group was from a much wider geography which was an added difficulty to a long-ish commute.
Despite his academic ability and doing well at school, DS1 got a rubbish degree, where DS2 got rubbish GCSEs and Alevels, took a First at uni and is now doing a Masters.
Try to play the long game and focus on their individual needs- that’s what’s fair, not how much money you spend.

I know this doesn't really answer your question but just be aware your DC are too young to make an informed decision. They only have experience of 1 school and 1set of friends.
Whilst you should take their opinion into consideration it should ultimately be your decision.
And you MAY be in the situation in future where your DC ask why you let them make that decision at such a young age, if they feel 1 child got opportunities the other didn't

My brother went private from 7, I went state. Where I grew up the local independent schools were single sex and parents tried to tempt me with the girls school at 11 but I wanted to go where my friends went, to the local comp. I went on to get all A*/A gcses and As at A level, grade 8 in 2 instruments, wasn't sporty at all 😜
I did struggle a bit with confidence at uni and for job interviews for graduate jobs and had feedback about being "sweet but too meek" etc. I have a good job now but I do wonder if I would have built more confidence at independent school.
My brother always had a posher accent (he makes the joke that he didn't have any friends to pick a local accent up from whereas I did) and went on to be a GP.

My DD8 (only one) is confident and sociable, hasn't shown herself to be particularly academic, is sportier than I was and has a lot of hobbies. She does find it hard to concentrate at school (or anywhere) so I think the local independent option may suit her best, but she is already telling me she wants to go to the comp, which is a decent enough one I just worry in big classes she won't progress as well as others. We will see nearer the time but will visit different schools.

If it is a highly sought after very academic school, I would first find out how competitive it is to actually get in. As we have just gone through the 11+ and its not the case of lets just apply and do no prep, my dc is bright enough to get in. The exam covers things your dc would not have covered by the time he sits the exam if he is in a state school. If he does not want to go to private, I would not push it. And if your second dc does want to go and do the prep work, then let him. I gave my dc the option to decide if they want to put in the prep work or not. No point in applying if you do not prep, as the exams are very difficult (even for some adults!!). Private school is well worth it if they love doing all the extra sport and clubs they have to offer. My dd just started and she absolutely LOVES it. She wants to do everything and opts to leave for school at 6:50am so she can do the extra morning activities (she also likes to do the lunch time stuff)....basically getting the most out of it. She knew this is what she wanted and was motivated to prep after looking at the websites of the private schools. My ds is the same. If they were not keen, I would not force them.

I'm from a big family and my parents must have covered every combo of schools possible by the time we had all finished, from top public school to local comprehensive.

None of us resent where the others went, and in terms of outcome we've all ended up in very similar salary brackets and lifestyles.

You've given DS1 the option - it's not as if you are doing Eton for the boys and local state for the girls or anything like that.

Maybe DS1 will want private for 6th form, or university in the USA or something that will even it out in your mind.

If ds1 changes his mind later then you could look into sending him from year 9 or year 12.

No it’s not fair to send one to private and the other not
they are to young to understand the privilege a private school education gives students ..
is this your way of justifying only sending one ,so it costs less ,by saying they made the decision themselves..

You give them both the opportunity. If one doesn’t take that opportunity, that doesn’t mean it is closed for the other. If ds1 has a choice then ds2 should get the choice too.

Yep this could def be an option

This is a tricky decision and one we are also facing. Our DC1 would sooner chew his own arm off than go to private school. We tried to persuade him at 11 but he was having none of it. Now in year 9, he is in fact thriving at his state secondary school. However, for various reasons - similar to you (sports etc) we would like to send DC2 to private school and she is pretty keen on the idea. Sorry, not really helping but empathising and following for thoughts from others.

We did this.

Actually we started off by both dd and ds going to private schools. Dd got a 50% bursary to a school specialising in her area of talent, ds went to an academic school. We applied for a local state school but he didn't get a place and was allocated a school we did not like.

It became apparent that the private school was totally the wrong school for ds, he was very unhappy there and so we moved him to a different state school. He then chose to go to a state college to study a vocational subject whereas dd stayed private for 6th form.

Good to know it’s not just me!!
however pleased to hear that it sounds like your son made the right decision. Mine is so stubborn he is really difficult to persuade on anything (not just school) whereas ds2 just falls in line on anything like this.
Is so hard isn’t it!

We did this for ours, some went through private, some public. It was about the right fit for the child, and also what they wanted. Some wanted to go to the local high school with their friends and refused to consider anything else, and we knew they would be okay there, so no issue. None complained after the fact. We did have one who made the swap for senior years as at that point they realised another school may be a better fit for what they wanted and were more mature and realised they would still maintain their friendships while at a different school, and maybe make some more friends but were okay as well if that didn’t happen.

@VesperLind good advice thank you

@Photio I agree to some extent - I wish my own parents had pushed me a bit more to do the private school test when I was in year 6. As it happened I made my own decision to go there in year 12 but wish I'd gone earlier. I fully recognise that I said no at the time though and that's that.
My ds1 is super headstrong and even if I can convince him to sit the test, getting him to prepare properly for it would be very very difficult. And if he passed he would have to pass an interview which would be even harder if he doesn't actually want to go! There is also the question that as a family, it is far easier for us to pay for one to go than two. Paying for 2 is doable but will have serious implications in terms of how we can support both through university for example.

It's much easier to support them through university. If you are already used to paying £15k worth of fees per year per child, dropping down to £6k uni maintenance top up is a breeze

I get it may not come across as fair but if ds1 flatly refuses is it fair to NOT give ds2, who would like it, the opportunity? Just because his brother didn’t want to go?

I have one in each.
State kid (older) didn't get through private entrance. There is nothing I can do about that. It's very fair - they are different kids.

I have a few privately educated friends who view their education as a disadvantage as they stand out as being posh and elitist. Particularly the ones that didn't achieve much (in their eyes compared to their peers). Private school isn't always the right option.

I don't think any 10yo should have sole control of this decision.

But if DS1 is adamant then yes it's fine for him to go to the comp, and yes it's fine for DS2 to go to the private school, it's not unfair as you aren't "denying" ds1 anything - he doesn't want it.

In your shoes I would be putting aside the fees from now anyway to make later times less tight, and would offer DS1 the opportunity to try out for a transfer place into the private school for y9 once he has had a chance to grow up a bit more. Lots of private schools take a significant additional intake for y9.

I hate to say it but whatever the kids feel about it now and however fair it seems based on their situations - when they are adults this could be a massive source of resentment.

This!

So many decisions my parents took , sending me to a school away from my friends, all of it paid off in later life, I HATED them at the time, but by 13 was happy, settled.

Pick the school for the child and tell them something like give it a year and if you hate it you can go to the comp.

Could you not go for the comp for both, then chuck some of the money you'd have spent on fees on a range of tutors, subject-specific holiday clubs, and extra curriculars to make their experience closer to that of the private school? That would also free up money to go towards Uni as well.

My eldest went to Private School,youngest two to the local comp.Absolutely the right decision for all 3.

They are all adults now and successful,there is no resentment between them.

A 10yo can only make a judgement on what seems best from a 10yo perspective. The choice of school needs to be appropriate for the child at least up to age 16 and your 10yo has no experience of being 16. You do. The 10yo has no concept of the pressures and complexities they will be navigating during 5-7 years of senior schooling, or what to look out for in a school that will make that challenge navigable. Your knowledge of your 10yo and your memories of yourselves age 10 vs yourselves age 16 will give you some hazy foresight of what your 10yo's needs might be in 6 years time, and your own experience of school and comparing it to what you see at open days will help you judge the available options. I can absolutely guarantee that having a handful of people in their yeargroup who went to the same primary school will in no way compensate for any serious shortfalls in the teaching and learning in y10. Not that such shortfalls are inevitable in any comp or necessarily guaranteed to be avoided by going private but for God's sake don't let your 10yo choose their senior school.

In fact it's best to downplay the idea that any choices exist - they get to express a preference to you. You the parents for a hierarchy of preferences for all available schools, then you wait and see what offers come through. Occasionally there may be a choice to make at that point.

I'm with @Photio and others. It doesn"t really matter how headstrong he is, that doesn't make his 10-year-old judgement any more in his best interests. If he fluffs the interview on purpose you can't stop him in the moment, but that would be a pretty ballsy move for a 10 year old. You should do your best to give him the best chance at every stage, to give him the same chances as his brother.

Going where your friends go is short termist and risky. It depends on the school but ours is 10 form entry and the chances of being in classes with your friendship group are minimal. Plus does he actually know all his friends are even going? We only found out in the summer term which friends were going to private school and other state schools - it was all kept quiet until after Easter.

If you have assessed the private school and genuinely judged it less suitable for him then fine, stick with the high school. But don't just hide behind him wanting to stay with his friends or maybe not trying his best on the entrance exam. I think it's only fair to send one to state and one to private if you genuinely, hand on heart judge that these are the best schools for each child. And that is not driven by Y6 friendships.