sending one DC to private secondary but not the other

[StillWantingADog]

We in the very lucky position of potentially being able to afford to send both DCs to the local highly sought after and very academic private school. To send one would be very feasible....both would be a stretch but just about manageable with adjustments and some family help which my parents have kindly offered. Both kids are very bright - DS1 (y6) is quite introverted, obsessed with maths, science and gaming. A future IT geek, most likely. DS2 (y4) is the opposite, extroverted and a real all rounder, obsessed with sport, also interested in music.

Currently applying for high schools for DS1, luckily the local catchment comprehensive is good and improving and as it stands that is where he wants to go. He is fairly (but not 100%) opposed to the idea of the going to the private school. He has agreed to visit the open day this weekend and keep an open mind for now but when it comes to the crunch he will want to go with his friends - as did I when I had this exact conversation with my parents aged 10 so I know what it's like! He may be persuaded to sit the test as a back up option as the chances of not getting a place at the catchment high school are small but not impossible (none of the other state options are attractive). I am not really inclined to try and send him against his will, even if he agreed to sit the test I don't think he'll agree to put in the prep work (this would be pretty light touch at best so he might not get a good enough score) so overall it looks unlikely to happen even though I know he's bright enough.

Meanwhile DS2 I think would absolutely love all the extra curricular activities on offer at the private school and would absolutely benefit from it (not saying DS1 would not but it would be in a different way). I can already imagine a lot more enthusiasm for taking the test too - he's a very diligent little boy, so probably more likely to pass. Could it be feasible to send DS2 if he was keen but not DS1? I have 'sold' the idea to DS1 as much as I could but at the end of the day it's his decision. I mean we could certainly help DS1 in other ways however I do wonder how this could play out long term. Sounds awkward!

My question I suppose is, is it fair to deny the opportunity to DS2 just because DS1 doesn't want it? And have others gone down this route and how has it panned out?

It can work out ok or it can backfire. Depends on what happens as adults. I know a few women who didn't get sent to private as it was only the older boys who went who are resentful as they were just as capable. Also know someone who couldn't afford it for her "turn", her sibling is now a vv high earning partner in a law firm, very difficult to get those jobs without private education even now.

I personally wouldn't do it. Happened with one of my school friends (her brother went private, and to an elite school). The comparison/resentment at opportunities available still plays out now in their relationship as siblings well into their forties.

I think it’s fine if they have both had the choice and if ds1 is able to reconsider his choice in year 9 and again in year 12 if he wants to swap to the private school. It’s not fair for ds2 to never get the chance because his brother didn’t want to go.

DS went to private school and DD to a highly selective state grammar school. There was no resentment. It was where she wanted to go and we chose the schools on the basis of what was most suitable for them. However, we did pay for DDs MA at the other end of her education whereas DS paid for his own.

We asked DS1 if he wanted to put the work in for the private school 11+ and he said yes, so we all did. We also helped DS2 as he wanted to go where his brother was. Both got in.

you can put DS1 in for the exam but you can’t make him work for it if he isn’t motivated.

I’m outside the UK, but where I am it’s not necessarily considered a no-no to send one to private secondary and one to state options. Apart from anything else, it depends on the child and what they want to do.

Yep this is the thing - I could get him to sit the exam but he is very unlikely to agree to put in the effort beforehand.

some posters saying it’s not his choice it’s for his parents but there is only so much we can do!

Is it ok to spend upward of 80k on one child and not the other? I'd say not, actually. How about you save that money into an account for your ds?

I think there is a lot you can do as parents to help with motivation and explaining why you are keen on the private option if you think this is the better educational option. You can make commitments about supporting existing friendships outside of school. He does not have the capacity for a robust judgment as he does not know the difference from an adult perspective.

Absolutely that is something we could consider doing

What would you do if your child was allocated a school neither of you wanted him to go to? It would still be your job to get him through the door come September. As @HappyHedgehog247 said there is lots you can do to buy him into it if you think it is in his interests. And your judgement is more capable than his - there is a reason he's not allowed to vote, drive or give medical consent.

Ultimately when he is forty and asking why you spent so much more on his brother's education than on his, I would want to give a better and more affirming answer than "we didn't think you'd put the work in". You need to treat them fairly and I think only looking seriously at it for DC2 is not fair. If DC1 needs more support to access it then fair would be, at a minimum, giving a good bash at giving him that support.

You do what seems right for each individual child, what will suit them. It's not a tit for tat.

If you were sending one privately and the other to a failing sink school, obviously that wouldn't be right, but you're not suggesting that.You're thinking of how you can play to their strengths.

We had to pull DS1 out of a state primary at 7 for a private day prep as he'd stopped working in his class of 35. Undiagnosed ASD as it eventually turned out. The improvement was like night and day. His brother would have been horrified to have been sent there - completely different personality and ability. No resentment evident on that particular decision as far as I've ever noticed.

If I have learnt anything from having teens is that different school suit different teens - I have twins one in a selective grammar and the other in private. In fact both twins got into selective grammars but it didn't suit my daughter who eventually went private. My son could have gone into private too if he wanted to but he preferred going to a local school. In fact I would threaten him with sending him private if he didn't keep decent grades.
I also think there is a huge misconception that private = better and it really doesn't necessarily. Having mostly experienced government schools but also had 4 years in a private school - I would actually say the government schools experience has been better. It often simply comes down to numbers as government schools tend to be bigger - better and more sporting facilities, more clubs, more established SEN pathways. One of my biggest disappointments with private is the lack of clubs - in government schools there tends to be more lunch time clubs as there simply isn't the room to house all the children indoors during lunch/bad weather so they are encouraged to attend clubs - most run by the older kids. There isn't this culture in any private school for these sorts of clubs where we live.
I think the big question is to ask your son how he thinks he would feel if he went to a government school and his brother went to the private school - would it bother him? Quite frankly it sounds like he wants to go to the local school so I would leave it at that and tell him if he ever changes his mind and wants to go private let you know. He might want to do private for 6th form.
You also don't know how your younger son would feel when its time for him to go to high school - he might want to go to the local school too.

I went to state, sister to private for secondary. It was the best decision relating to our individual characters and the local school offering. I think my sister probably had better opportunities overall and definitely didn’t suffer from classroom disturbance etc but I was fine with it.

Presumably there is no financial cost to doing the entrance exam, so could you enter him and encourage him to prep and see what happens? I know there are super selective grammars, but surely are not only looking for top 1%, around here the grammars are aiming for kids in top quartile, so it's definitely possible to pass without doing very much much prep. Maybe just how it sits in my head, but sending one child and the other not getting in to me is a different scenario to one going and the other choosing the local comprehensive in order to stay with Year 6 friends.

My daughter has just started Year 7 at a selective school, leaving behind all her primary school friends. It has been a painful 3 weeks, very much hard work for me watching her struggle to adjust and fit in, but we seem to be turning a corner thankfully and it's definitely the right school for her academically. Hopefully your instinct will help you decide.

@TeamGeriatric
yes exactly - small cost to do the exam - think I can persuade him to at least do it to keep his options open as he knows the chances of him getting into his preferred school are not guaranteed.

he might just pass without work, or the minimum as he is very bright - and then the difficult conversations are delayed until April or so. Which is quite a long time away.

@DisquietintheRanks Is it ok to spend upward of 80k on one child and not the other? I'd say not, actually. How about you save that money into an account for your ds

Nope. All of mine had the choice to go to private school. Not all of them wanted to do that. Their choice. No way did that obligate us to put the exact amount aside for the ones that didn’t want to go. Actually, in that case we would have likely forced them to go, no issue for us, they would have been the ones losing out as they would not have been where they wanted to be or what suited them best. How ridiculous.

Another horror story for you, some of ours did expensive sports/hobbies, others didn’t. We didn’t keep an account sheet and ‘even it up’ either. It was all about everyone doing what interested them and what they wanted, no one lost out because of money spent on another.

I’m really glad we raised kids that don’t have the same philosophy raised here. They would think this is really odd.

Not much to add to pp, but I would say don't confuse fair and equal. Equal would be treating both the same regardless of their interests, aptitude, and temperaments (i.e. sending both to private schools). Fair is giving them both access to the same opportunities (i.e. giving both the option of sitting private school exams, potentially offering sporting/extra curricular activities to the one who doesn't go to private school if the state school doesn't offer it and they're interested).

I think it’s fair enough as long as there are good reasons. The only thing is that state educated child may demand more cash later in if they are struggling. I know of a few families where this has happened when the kid who went state wanted to do further education

This helps a lot, thank you