Daughter very unhappy at school (Y9)

[Snaith]

Looking for advice or any thoughts you could share with me

Our daughter has attended private primary school and then went on to private secondary school of her choice (girls only). She has really enjoyed Y7 and first half of Y8. From around January Y8 she started having disagreements with her school friends and by March/April she was saying that she doesn't like her school, she doesn't gets on with the other girls and would like to move to another school. We did not inform the school, hoping this is possibly just a phase and that things will improve. At the end of the school year the situation was the same, so I have called a few other private schools in the area asking for an off chance space, but none seem to be offer anything. Summer holidays passed quickly and the situation seems much worse now. My daughter has been crying a lot, saying she does not want to go back to school and she seems generally very unhappy. When at school she hardly speaks with anyone and the breaks she spends on her own. Joining the clubs has not helped either. My husband and his family seems to think this will pass and as much as it is quite upsetting for our daughter, change of school won't solve the problem. At this stage we have involved the school, so they are aware, but I guess there is little they really do. I feel so sorry for my daughter and I am unsure how I can help her. She would like to move to a local state school, where she knows some of the children and she seems to thinks this will solve all her problems. I am very worried that it won't and that she will have hard time adapting to state education. Also, the secondary school she attends currently is rather small and the school of her choice is massive. There seem to be much less pros for change of school (hope for new friendships) than cons (running away from a problem, uncertainty if the change will be positive, difficulty getting back into private education if the change doesn't help, disruption in learning), but I am extremely worried for my daughter and my gut feeling is that situation at her current school won't improve. Would a sessions with a psychologist or counselor help? Have you been in a similar situation? What would your advice be?

I suppose whatever decision you make, has to be made fairly soon, because GCSE courses will start in Year 10, or earlier.

Why do you think that the school can’t do anything? I would expect the school to be investigating and offering support.

You also have to bear in mind that a move to a state school will be to whichever one has a space, which may not be the one your daughter has identified.

Realistically friendship issues can happen anywhere. It doesn’t sound like a problem with the school itself. Part of learning social skills is learning how to come back from disagreements like this, or make new friends.

What were the disagreements about? And was it with most of the girls in her class or only a few? Is it a several form year group or just one form?

I’d see which schools have a space, then take her to look around and get a feel for it.

I’d give it until half term hopefully the school can assist. If not then I would look round other schools with places. The potential of having an upset daughter for the next 3 years is worse than potentially changing schools. Children spend so much time at school and social with their friends from school this could be a large part of the next 3 year she doesn’t enjoy or misses out on friends.

I think a lot depends on the availability of other students as potential new friends or whether her issues with her friendship group are serious. If it is a serious issue then I would consider the move. As a teacher I see that friendship problems can turn a successful, happy child into someone who is anxious and miserable. They are also difficult to solve and can't always be solved by the school's input, however willing they are to intervene. If there are other classes she could move into then yes she could make new friends and move on. If it is a small school with limited options then moving to a bigger school might be better. I think it would however be worth pointing out that this would be a permanent move. She should also know that she might find she gets less attention. The school will be busy, noisy and there could be more disruptive behaviour and stricter rules than she is used to.

I changed schools at the same age. I was so miserable in the school I was in. Took my parents ages to realise how big the issue was for me as my sibling had been so happy at that school. Personally I would give your daughter the choice. If she wants to move, let her.

Is she being bullied?

Go back to the school and ask urgently what they can do to help the situation as it should not continue like this. Could she move class? Could a teacher mediate to help resolve the fall out? Can school provide roles for your daughter so she has a social role eg helping younger children?
Look at opportunities OUTSIDE of school to build your child’s self esteem and widen their social circle. Join a drama group or maybe a sports group or scouts/guides or St John’s ambulance. School doesn’t need to be her only focus in life.

It’s not running away from problems, it’s making choices based on experiences. children have so little agency unlike adults. If you disliked your job you would swap jobs. Get her some counselling to talk things through and find a way forward

Also meet with the pastoral team and her to make a plan

Would a change of a form help if possible?

Not private school so most likely not helpful but my son changed form at the end of year 9 and it made such a difference to him. We were going to change school prior to this but I’m glad we didn’t.

'Running away from problems' - really depends what the problem is - sometimes running away is the wisest option! You don't stay in an abusive relationship in order not to run away from the problem do you? Well what exactly is the problem at this school? Is it a toxic bunch of girls? If so, get her out! The state school may be 'huge' but each year group in large state schools are treated almost like individual schools in their own right, so I really don't think that will be a problem.

Follow her lead, listen to her, give her a chance, and stop with the nonsense about “not running away from things”.

She is telling you, very clearly, that she is desperately unhappy. That she wants to go somewhere else where she feels like she actually has friends.

Why on earth aren’t you supporting her?

Whilst education is important I think u need to prioritise your daughter's mental health. She's telling you she's unhappy and there's a solution.
It will be an adjustment but just her knowing u have her back is going to make such a difference to her wellbeing.

Let her change ! Happiness is everything

Both of my DDs moved school in Year 9. Best thing we ever did. They’ve had no problems at their new schools and are so much happier. Some schools are toxic and running away is the sensible option.

Id call in a meeting with school ..get to bottom of it. Is she being bullied? It sounds like it. My grandson was , he was also alone at lunch and playtimes. Awfully heartbreaking

To be honest sounds like school doesn't want to deal with it properly for fear of upsetting their other customers. Would look at state school but be aware there may not actually be spaces in your preferred school. Some are over subscribed and difficult to get into

The suggestions and guidelines on here are wonderful.
Check if there is bullying from your daughter. There are lots of girls schools saying be kind… show resilience. This sweeps all the bullying and reporting issue aside and looks like the issue is being dealt. Therefore, back your daughter and note being resilience should not mean to withstand bullying. No one should or would take it in the workplace so why are some schools allowing it.
Are there any coed private nearby, larger size schools that would allow your daughter to make friends. The state school you like that is full, did you just email or could you visit in person?

My Dd went through a phase like this and needed some extra help through counselling to ‘grieve’ the loss of the friendship. Year 8 and 9 are notorious for friendships changing but my Dd was hung up on the two friends she made in year 7. It took a counsellor to help us see why and help her work on other friendships and let go. The fact is it will be the same anywhere and also in adult life. You can’t always be friends with the people you want to be friends with. I would seek some therapy maybe for her and encourage her to mourn the friendships she had and move on.

I very much appreciate all your fantastic input - thank you for sharing your thoughts!

@1forward2back Could you please kindly share how did you go about finding a suitable counsellor? Was it in school or outside? I know that my daughter has seen school's counsellor in Y8, but I gather she has not been completely open with them. I am thinking that someone totally independent could be much more helpful.

It depends on the issue I think.

Do you know specifically what is going on to make her so unhappy? Are the school willing to intervene and is that intervention likely to make a real difference?

Honestly Year 9 is generally an absolute shit show, particularly for girls. There are no guarantees either way so it’s just a case of weighing the pros and cons with your DD and going with your gut.

I think you should have gotten the school involved much earlier but I would push them to look into the situation now, arrange counselling ASAP and also in the meantime start looking into alternative schools. It may take some time to line up a school to go to and she needs to feel like you are listening to her and caring about her. If you can get a place at a school she is happy with, move asap. Good luck. Teenage years are tough but she is telling you what she needs.

I’m in my 20s and this was basically my life in school:

Year 7: had a massive group of friends from primary school. normal year

Year 8: I drifted from those friends naturally, but they started gossiping about me and really did turn against me. I was kind of billy no mates cause the fall out was common knowledge. I made 1-2 new friends after a few months

Year 9: some people avoided me but I became popular and made more friends. I’d say just having 1-2 mates helped me make friends with others and things completely turned around

Year 10: had a normal school year
Year 11: same, but eventually made up with the horrid girls who by now mellowed out

So overall I can relate to a lot of your post as the child in the situation but I didn’t move schools.

To be honest I didn’t really speak to my parents about it much either…

I think the internet and being able to have online support helped more than anything. I spent time listening to music, watching YouTube tutorials, playing games, getting into fashion, drawing, reading etc. I didn’t make online friends but I definitely would google how to move on, and being able to anonymously post on places like this helped. I had a school mentor and I told them some bits, they made me complete some questionnaires on things I’m proud of and personality tests which helped raise my confidence.

Basically she needs a life outside of that school, but you may not need to move schools