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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Year 7 refusing to make friends help!

42 replies

Yummum18 · 07/09/2023 07:39

Hi my son is 3 days into secondary school and he is point blank refusing to make friends.
I think he is doing it to punish me as I encouraged him to choose the grammar school. He passed the 11 plus very well and I felt it would be a waste for him not to go grammar. All his friends went to the local comp. That’s where he wants to be.
everyday I pick him up from school and he has a miserable look on his face. I ask him about his day and he retorts with “why would I tell you”
he says he doesn’t know anyone’s name and doesn’t want to know anyone name.
he got added on to a group what’s app group with some boys from the class and he deleted the group. I asked him why and he said he has no interest in making friends as he doesn’t want to be at the school.
he has told me he is going to dk bad on purpose so he gets kicked out.
I really don’t know what to do. His behaviour is really getting me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve told him I have to make friends or u will be lonely. And he said he doesn’t care.
he has one boy from primary who I can see the boy is trying hard with him but I wouldn’t blame the boy for ditching him as he is being so rude and arrogant.
what do I do? Do I let him carry on and learn from his own mistakes. I’m just desperately trying to help him as life without friends is so lonely…

please help xxx

OP posts:

YouHoooo · 07/09/2023 07:40

Are you serious?

Poor kid. Be nice to him.

TeenDivided · 07/09/2023 07:43

If he feels that strongly put his name on the waiting list for the other school.
Tell him you have done so and that you now expect him to put in full effort until a place comes up.
Maybe when a place comes up he will no longer want to move.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 07/09/2023 07:47

TeenDivided · 07/09/2023 07:43

This. I’d also try and have a quiet word with his form tutor to let them know how he’s feeling, he won’t be the first.

WandaWonder · 07/09/2023 07:49

Is this for real? you are forcing him?

JeminasPuddle · 07/09/2023 07:57

Have you had a chat to him about the differences in his current school and the one he wants to attend? Explained why you chose the school you did? Is there a GCSE grade difference between the two?

Does he realise that he could be placed in the other half of the year to his friends at the other school, or not be any of the lessons with his friends? What if those friends want new friends? Primaries are usually a class of 30 so not a lot of choice in friendships, secondaries are more like 250 with clubs etc to make friends at.

I think he has this vision of it all continuing as it did before. My mate's child ended up getting ditched by the two friends they walked up to secondary with. Told him straight they had new friends and wouldn't wait for him anymore and to make his own way there. Brutal but you cannot force a friendship if they don't want it.

You could put his name down on the waiting list for the state school and make a decision if a place becomes available. However, I would also be telling him that in the meantime he might be waiting years so to make the best of the school he is at.

MarchingFrogs · 07/09/2023 08:04

Grammar schools are state schools.

Sirzy · 07/09/2023 08:06

You need to listen to him if he feels so strongly about it. Pushing him like this is going to be much more detrimental to his education in the long run.

Justwrong68 · 07/09/2023 08:24

I'm in a similar situation. My son is now yr8 of a grammar school, we opted for it after he failed to get into the one his primary school friends went to. Yr7 was hell, he made no friends, hated it, bunked off and was bullied. He's been on the waiting list for the other school for about six months now. But I have to say that despite of (or because of) the bad times, he's developed into a very resilient and confident young man; I'm so proud.
He still has a rose tinted notion of how the other school might be so it'll be interesting to see if he goes for it should a space come up. I'd put your boy on the waiting list (as suggested above), tell him and it might help him relax a bit.

CurlewKate · 07/09/2023 08:46

Try not to react angrily. Think yourself into his head. He's behaving entirely reasonably if you think about it! Try to acknowledge his feelings- "I can see you're feeling really pissed off about this."
How about doing a deal? He stays til half term and you talk again.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/09/2023 08:46

Oh dear. Just a cautionary tale: My mum forced me to go to a school I didn't want to go to separate from all my primary school friends and I had a really rough couple of years. I had no friends for two years, was bullied, developed depression and anxiety. It really damaged my mum and I's previously very close relationship.

I came through and made friends in the end, but rebelled enormously and went completely off the rails at 15. It definitely didn't do much for my academic performance to be at that school over the one I wanted to go to. I wonder if the battle is worth it if he feels this strongly about it?

As a pp said of their child, in the face of it I developed a lot of strength and resilience, but to this day I'm not sure the cost to the rest of me was worth it.

savoycabbage · 07/09/2023 08:50

I think I'd stop pushing him into reassuring you about your decision. Talk about other things other than whether he's made friends or whether he's enjoying himself.

Make the other side of his life as pleasant and as smooth as possible. And facilitate him seeing his friends if you need to. Have them round, give him money to go out with them etc.

parietal · 07/09/2023 09:00

you can't instruct your child to make friends. that is crazy and guaranteed to make him miserable.

you can help your child find the positives in the grammar school and find something that he likes about it. friendships will come when he is ready.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 07/09/2023 09:01

I don't agree with some if these responses. You did your best deciding what was best for your child at the time.
I don't think an 11 year should decide what school to go to based on where his friends are going!! How can they make that decision at that age.
Similarly, my daughter wanted to go to the local school with all on her friends but we decided another school was best for her. Like your son, on the transition days she would not try to make friends and was quite angry with us. I spoke to her tutor who was fantastic at creating social opportunities.
She's now a few days in and is enjoying the school and is making friends and states she feels happy.
I would monitor how it goes over the next few weeks (but not tell him you are doing this) but don't feel bad or like you have failed if you need to transfer schools.
Good luck and ignore the hurtful comments.

CurlewKate · 07/09/2023 09:11

Also- is there something he likes doing out of school that you can help him do more of? This was a life line for my ds when he was at a school he didn't want to be at...

Andanotherone01 · 07/09/2023 09:14

To put it bluntly, he is going to do dreadfully because he is bloody miserable at this school. Far better for him to excel in a ‘less academic’ school. You’ve made a massive mistake

MintJulia · 07/09/2023 09:16

I think @Cozytoesandtoast00 is right. You made the decision on school on the beat information and that's completely reasonable. He is only a couple of days in and transition to yr 7 is always a bit of a jump. Be supportive and give him time to find his feet.

I'd stop asking him how he is getting on, and wait for him to choose to tell you. Help him to socialise out of school, and he will end up with a broader group of friends in the end.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/09/2023 09:17

I’d have listened to him in the first place; he never wanted to go. I’d be approaching the comp and asking for a place. I’d also apologise for not listening to him. He is not going to do well at a school he is unhappy in anyway so you lose nothing. If he is clever enough to get into the grammar he will no doubt do well anyway.

Hairyfairy01 · 07/09/2023 09:20

Ummmm, trying listening to what your child is telling you on both his words and behaviour and act on it?

YellowDots · 07/09/2023 09:21

Andanotherone01 · 07/09/2023 09:14

To put it bluntly, he is going to do dreadfully because he is bloody miserable at this school. Far better for him to excel in a ‘less academic’ school. You’ve made a massive mistake

I don't think sending your child to a grammar school is a 'massive mistake' He's only been there three days, give him a chance.

And he's eleven, she has made the decision that she thinks is best for her own child. He would have been in year five when the application was done.

LittleBrenda · 07/09/2023 09:23

Hairyfairy01 · 07/09/2023 09:20

Ummmm, trying listening to what your child is telling you on both his words and behaviour and act on it?

She says ' I encouraged him to choose the grammar school.'

Act on it in the first week?

BanditHeelerismyhero · 07/09/2023 09:49

He is a child. You made the best decision for him based with the information you have. There is a reason 11 year olds are classed as children and still have adults who make decisions about their best interests. Which you have done.

Give it until half term. Blimey if my parents acted on all my bad behaviour because I didn’t get what I wanted as a teenager, I’d have been up to all sorts. Children go with what feels safe and is known to them. I’d take the pressure off, don’t keep asking him and let him get on with it for a term. Then reassess… you could tell him that’s the plan and see how it goes. and remind him that his rude behaviour is not a good way to get what he wants. Has he tried sitting you down and give a calm reasonable explanation of why he wants the local comp, apart from ‘all his mates are there’? Or is he just being rude a stroppy? How he deals with this is a life lesson / skill as much as school in itself

Beamur · 07/09/2023 10:02

I'm in the camp of kids don't get to choose their high schools.
Don't do any knee jerk reactions. Chat calmly to him at the weekend - acknowledge his unhappiness. Say you're not prepared to try and change schools straight away but maybe you will be open to discussing it after Christmas.
Friendships change at high school and his old friends will be making new connections too.
Encourage him meeting up with his old friends after school/at the weekend.
Does he have any clubs or hobbies where he hangs out with them?
He's obviously angry with you about this so tread a tactful line about asking how his day was.

GolgafrinchamB · 07/09/2023 10:08

Geez, leave the poor boy alone! Mithering him will only make things worse.

Listen, be supportive and let him find his feet. He’s feeling angry and resentful because he’s in a school away from all his friends and that is understandable. If it’s still the sane at Christmas, have a rethink about schools, but until then get off his case and leave him to it.

titchy · 07/09/2023 10:13

Beamur · 07/09/2023 10:02

This^ Sensible advice, acknowledging he is finding the transition particularly difficult, giving him a possibility of an alternative in a relatively short space of time, but enough time so he can start to settle.

Encourage him to see his friends at the weekend and fgs stop hassling him about making friends. He's not in the right place emotionally to do so yet. Worth talking to his tutor.

thecatinthetwat · 07/09/2023 10:15

he wants to punish you, this is a reaction to being controlled. Op, it’s not too late to listen to your child.

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