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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Year 7 refusing to make friends help!

42 replies

Yummum18 · 07/09/2023 07:39

Hi my son is 3 days into secondary school and he is point blank refusing to make friends.
I think he is doing it to punish me as I encouraged him to choose the grammar school. He passed the 11 plus very well and I felt it would be a waste for him not to go grammar. All his friends went to the local comp. That’s where he wants to be.
everyday I pick him up from school and he has a miserable look on his face. I ask him about his day and he retorts with “why would I tell you”
he says he doesn’t know anyone’s name and doesn’t want to know anyone name.
he got added on to a group what’s app group with some boys from the class and he deleted the group. I asked him why and he said he has no interest in making friends as he doesn’t want to be at the school.
he has told me he is going to dk bad on purpose so he gets kicked out.
I really don’t know what to do. His behaviour is really getting me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve told him I have to make friends or u will be lonely. And he said he doesn’t care.
he has one boy from primary who I can see the boy is trying hard with him but I wouldn’t blame the boy for ditching him as he is being so rude and arrogant.
what do I do? Do I let him carry on and learn from his own mistakes. I’m just desperately trying to help him as life without friends is so lonely…

please help xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummum18 · 07/09/2023 10:22

Thanks everyone for the comments as painful as some of them are.
I should have said that he always wanted to go to grammar school. He wanted to do the 11 plus and cried when he found out he passed and with such a high mark. He said passing was the best day of his life. We encouraged him because he wanted it and he is crazily clever.
year 6 - he started hanging around with the cool kids in class, PGL was a dream for him and he started caring less about the grammar and started saying negative things about it and about how he wanted to go to the local comp. By this time applications were already made and he had his place in grammar. The close bond he formed with the cool kids in year 6 changed his attitude. We thought it would fizzle out so wasn’t too worried. As well as we weren’t too keen on the new group of friends as they are disrespectful to teachers, talk like little gangsters and mean to the geeky kids at school. So we hoped for a clean break, But it hasnt gone to plan.
he says the grammar is dirty and old, the comp is brand new and clean and they work on iPads all day. He doesn’t want to write in an exercise book. He wants to work on an iPad.
im just feeling like I’m getting everything wrong and I don’t know what to do. I’ve rang the comp and they said they have a waiting list of 167.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yummum18 · 07/09/2023 10:24

I’ve also spoken to his tutor at grammar and said he is struggling and they are keeping an eye on him

OP posts:

Justwrong68 · 07/09/2023 10:29

Try not to stress, it's not his or your fault. We've coped using humour. Also make sure he's having lots of fun outside of school. There's a gaming club called New Meta who really take care of their members, it's a community. Also sports clubs are useful.

BanditHeelerismyhero · 07/09/2023 11:07

Having read your update I’m even more convinced that persevering with the grammar will help.
he’s probably been fed loads of nonsense from the ‘cool boys 🙄’ that everyone at the grammar school is a snob or a geek etc and is buying into that. Especially if he’s always been a bit nerdy but secretly wanted to be cool. Now he’s got to try extra hard to show the ‘cool boys’ he’s not a grammar boy and he’s still cool / rude.
hopefully it will settle down as the other boys get invested in their new high school friends.
has he got hobbies etc you can keep him busy with? Sounds as if keeping him in touch and hanging around with the ‘cool boys’ isn’t going to be helpful in getting him settled. And it doesn’t sound like they are life long primary friends. More a fad

Remaker · 07/09/2023 11:34

It’s been three days I wouldn’t be taking drastic action yet. And given your update I think you’ve made the right decision separating him from his old friends. Give it time there’s a good chance he’ll come around. Both of my kids went to grammar schools away from their friends and they weren’t happy about it. But both are really happy now and have lots of friends.

Beamur · 07/09/2023 12:54

Given your update I'd be even less inclined to move him!
It's an immature response based on FOMO. Understandable as he's feeling a bit bereft now. But it will pass. His heart has been turned by the cool kids and he's probably bought the narrative that it's nerdy to be a try hard.
Acknowledge his feelings but don't try and explain that he's wrong/it will pass - he'll probably just dig his heels in more. Keep home ticking over, maybe plan something fun for half term, etc.

Original poster

Yummum18 · 07/09/2023 13:23

Thanks so much for the last few comments after my update. I’ve been in such a mess, I had to ask my boss if I could work from home today as I’ve literally been crying all day about this.
parenting is so hard 😢
thanks again for the advice
x

OP posts:

Stripeypyjamas · 07/09/2023 13:27

Chances are the old friends going to the comp have been split into different tutor groups anyway and will probably drift off and make new friends on their own. He's romanticizing it. I would just back off and stop asking - I suspect the deletion of the whatsapp group was a reaction to you because he must have given someone his number to get onto it!

clary · 07/09/2023 13:32

Ah @Yummum18 your update makes it clear that the grammar is the best place for him, long term. I'm not a fan of grammars in general, but since he is so smart and wanted it, yes that's great.

I wanted to add that for sure the kids at the comp don't work on iPads all the time. And he will soon start to appreciate how well he has done and how much he can do.

But I agree with those saying let him be. Give it time, back off a bit, do some fun things this weekend. Starting secondary is hard for everyone and there are often curveballs like this. It will pass.

Mavan1984 · 07/09/2023 14:41

Op don't feel bad, you did what you thought was best for your child.

We had a couple of options for high school and gave my son the choice as they were all pretty similar. He picked the one where all his friends were going to.

Him and his friends had been together all throughout primary school and they were a really tight and sensible group of boys so I was happy with my sons decision.

Anyway my son started year 7 three days ago and his group of friends told him and another boy that they don't want them to be part of their friendship group anymore. My son is heartbroken and I feel so awful for him.

It appears as though the larger group of boys have found some new friends and have decided to exclude my son from their group.

My daughter also had similar problems in year 8 and now in year 10 she has completely different friends to the ones she had at primary school.

Unfortunately from my experience, friendships are not guaranteed and you shouldn't pick a school to maintain friendships. I think you have done the right thing and sent him to a school that you know will be better for him academically. In time he will make new friends.

SamPoodle123 · 07/09/2023 14:43

I would have a chat with him. Explain why you wanted him to go to Grammer and basically he has a choice...a choice to decide to be positive and have a nice a experience or be negative and basically ruin it for himself. It is different if the children are horrible to him and he is miserable because of that.....but it sounds like he is making himself miserable. I do not agree with the other posters that think you should try to get him in the school that he wants (just to be w his friends). What will this teach him in life? That if he sulks and acts poorly he will get what he wants?

Sometimes dc do not know what is best for them and you need to guide them. My dd went to a school where she did not know anyone at first....all her friends were going to another school. She was of course a little sad not to join her friends, but we focused on the positive that she will make new friends, this school is better for her etc and she is loving it.

And sometimes friends separate in secondary anyway and find new friends...

twistyizzy · 07/09/2023 15:32

At 11 yrs old my DD didn't get to chose her secondary school and I defintely wouldn't be held hostage to a decision like he is doing with you now.
From your update post I think you've done the right thing in separating him from that Yr 6 group. You've had lots of great advice from others about how to best approach it with him but ultimately you are the parent and you have his long term interests at heart. Give it time and I'm sure he will eventually start settling in and making friends.

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 16:48

It's not a massive mistake

It's week 1 and you made a decision which will
Impact on his whole life potentially . You acted in his best interest

I bet it's really daunting for him but he will
Pull through

He has to make friends eventually and he will probably find likeminded boys to forge strong friendship with

Ylvamoon · 07/09/2023 16:55

Talk to him about the pro / cons of each school. Let him have his say and add a few things good & bad to the list.

Remind him how hard he worked for the 11+ and ask about his reasoning behind wanting to go to grammar school. (If it was about pleasing you, let it stand, it's valid. But reassure him that you love him regardless!)
Then plan your move forward together. Maybe give it a go until Christmas or try and move school now, or just putting his name down and see what happens.

Also ask if he is still in contact with his primary school friends- my DS (in year9) still meets up with them occasionally they also all play xbox together most days- this could might be a compromise for your DS?

Whatever you do, involve him, be consistent with your reasoning and choose something that gives him a good future.

cansu · 07/09/2023 20:26

Having read your update I would not be moving him. I would stop asking him about his day and his friends. I would sit him down and explain the reasons for staying at his current school. Make it clear he won't be moving. Tell him there is also no chance of a space at the other school and he needs to make the best of it. Then leave him to it. Chances are he will get on with making friends on his own. If he can see that you are doubting yourself it will only feed the behaviour.

loulouljh · 07/09/2023 20:37

I would simply say nothing and leave him to get on with it. Don't show him you are wavering. The tutor will keep an eye. It must be day 3 or day 4. Give him time. He will come round...

Itslosenotloose · 07/09/2023 20:39

Poor kid. I don’t really blame him. You asked for it.

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