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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Grammar or state?

56 replies

SilverSpringss · 06/08/2023 15:21

DD passed her 11+ and was awarded a place at a grammar school. She was keen to take the test and was excited to be given a place, so we accepted.

Now reality has kicked in and she is having a massive meltdown about going. She has had the same group of friends (there are 5 of them) since nursery, and only one of them also has a place at the grammar. The others are of course trying to persuade her not to go and are saying how much they will miss her.

DD is not the most confident of children, she definitely isn't the queen bee of the group and likes to follow the others. However they are a lovely group of girls and never have any fall outs or arguments. She is now really upset about having to leave them, and insists she wants to attend the state school with the others.

Just after some advice on what you would do in my situation? I don't want her to be miserable at school and resent me for having such an awful time.

OP posts:
Mingotheflamingo · 06/08/2023 15:25

She'd regret not going. If they're proper friends they'll stay in touch and when they don't she'll realise she did tye right thing by going xx

Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 15:27

There are state grammar schools. Do you mean this is an independent selective school?

Mingotheflamingo · 06/08/2023 15:27

She needs to realise her education is paramount and can never be had again, friends will always come and go.

PreplexJ · 06/08/2023 15:28

A bit late to cold feet now, just keep your original plan to grammar she would be OK.

Whataretheodds · 06/08/2023 15:29

Can you help a conversation with her about what is important for her in a school, what you believe is important, what she likes about this one and the pros and cons? I'm not saying leave it up to her but help her to see the bigger picture.

HeidioftheAlps · 06/08/2023 15:29

Is the grammar a private school? Many grammar schools are state schools.(State funded.)

Phineyj · 06/08/2023 15:34

I'm confused about the grammar or state thing too.

I also wouldn't pick a school based on a friendship group in year 6. If it is a state grammar, they draw students from a wide distance so it's not at all unusual for new year 7s to not know many people to start with.

LulooLemon · 06/08/2023 15:37

She's worried about missing her friends and not making new ones.

How about you arrange a nice outing - bowling & pizza, whatever - for all the friends a few weeks into the new school term?

Let DD be really involved in the choice of venue and activity.

ShadowPuppets · 06/08/2023 15:38

I assume OP means Grammar v Comprehensive.

Alargeoneplease89 · 06/08/2023 15:43

In the same situation but DD has no friends going out of her close circle.
How was she on transition day? I was really worried as on the open evening she didn't want to talk to anyone but transition day she was a different child and buzzing. She's met her friends a few times and think it's dawning on her that she's going to be away from them after such a long friendship.

DD has never said she wants to go to the comp school though.

I just remind DD it's an outstanding school, lots of great opportunities to meet new friends and in the kindest way get away from the kids that don't want to learn (her biggest annoyance in primary).

We have reassured her that they can all meet up regularly, sleepovers, etc nothing wrong with having 2 sets of friends especially if like our grammar most kids aren't in the area.

Also DD worked really hard to get into the school and she doesn't want to waste all that effort, which I'm glad about because I don't want her being one of those girls that can't go to the toilet or next lesson without linking someone's arm.

lordloveadog · 06/08/2023 15:43

Don't give up a place at a better school for a friendship group at such a young age. Or any age. If they are real friends, they'll stay in contact.

My parents insisted on me going to a good school which I got into even though none of my friends were going. I had tantrums. But they were right. I wish they had talked to me calmly about my fears and reassured me, though.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 06/08/2023 15:44

Grammar all the way. Chances are if she goes to the other school with her friends they won’t stay friends anymore………there’s a massive shake up of friend ship groups. Kids don’t generally stay best mates with their primary school friends.

Meadowfly · 06/08/2023 15:49

Grammar! Most friendship groups don’t survive the first few weeks of y7 anyway, and they would probably be in different classes. Don’t give her the responsibility of making any kind of choice. Tell her that it is a great school and most of the others won’t know many people either. Then distraction, keep busy with other things.

clary · 06/08/2023 15:51

Yes I am confused like others. If it is a choice between a state grammar and a state comp or sec mod, that is one thing; but a choice between a private school and a state comp is something quite different.

I presume her primary school was a state school? If this is a private secondary (a lot of them call themselves grammars but are not super-selective) then is that something you have stress-tested going forward?

If it is a state grammar school then my strictures don't apply and I would only be concerned about journey time and friends coming from a wide area (based on mine and DH's experience of state grammar).

I agree with those who say I would never choose a school based on friendships tho. My DC had close friendships from primary that did not stay thre course in secondary.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 06/08/2023 15:53

My DD freaked out about not being with her friends, we told her that she would never get the chance to move to the grammar school so she should start and then if she hated it after year 7 we would see what we could do (in reality the local comp is v over subscribed, so very unlikely she could have swapped for year 7 or after). She absolutely loves it and is thriving and it absolutely was the best choice for her.

GeorgeSpeaks · 06/08/2023 16:17

Friendship groups change completely during y7. If she's at a grammar there will only be 1 or 2 from each primary school, so everyone will be on the market for new friends.

Give her a hug, remind her of why she wanted to go to the grammar and listen to her concerns but don't change now.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/08/2023 16:22

As the parent, you need to choose the most suitable school for her. She is too young to make that decision herself.

I'm not a fan of grammar schools personally, but that's not really relevant here. If you think grammar is the best option and you can comfortably afford the fees (am assuming it's a private grammar on the basis of your OP), then that's where she should go. If you're having doubts about whether the grammar is worth the investment, or about whether you can afford it, then that's a different question.

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 06/08/2023 17:09

However they are a lovely group of girls

They are not a lovely group of girls if they are putting pressure on dd in the way you describe.

And agree with pp, primary school friendships often don't survive the move to secondary even if the children are all at the same school. If dd has been content to follow the others, it might be good for her to strike out on her own.

Original poster
SilverSpringss · 06/08/2023 17:26

Thanks all.

Sorry yes I meant grammar vs comprehensive, apologies if worded incorrectly. It's actually a bit different to that but then it would be outing as I think its a unique schooling situation.

I think a good chat with her is needed. She has seen her friends quite a bit during the holidays already but always comes back upset that she won't be at school with them so it's not helping really.

I know she will likely hate it at first, but as an adult I can rationalise that that's due to the jump up from primary to secondary. She of course will blame it on not being with her friends.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 06/08/2023 17:41

Maybe focus on the fact that you can still be friends without going to the same school. In the future you don't go to the same university or job but remain friends.

I think my DD friends are the ones talking about it more and causing the bit of anxiety but once they all start they will be fine and realise its not a big deal.

Meadowfly · 06/08/2023 17:56

Talk to her about the fact that it takes a while to make new friends and not to be disappointed if she doesn’t get a ‘bestie’ straight away, it isn’t to be expected to have close friends straightaway, at first she will just be chatting with the people who seem nice or the people she is sitting next to. Tell her that she needs to think about who she likes and not just automatically be friends with the first person who seems to like her. Tell her that some people make besties too quickly and then have a bit of drama changing. Tell her that the teachers know what it is like and have all been new year 7s themselves, that the school works hard to make it all as easy as possible. Also tell her to expect to be very tired at first! With my dd I did little role plays about how to start talking to people, ideas to talk about etc.

Soporalt · 06/08/2023 18:02

There may be quite a few children starting at the grammar school without friends from their primary schools. My DD1 moved into Y7 at a selective independent in a new area as we moved house, so she didn't even get to keep her primary friends. She came home from her first day buzzing and never looked back. Good luck to your daughter. I'm sure she'll be fine.

Tiredmumofthreekids · 06/08/2023 18:30

Children at this age cant make a reasonable and informed choice and often just want to follow their friends, i would look whats the best for your child, rather than where her friends decided to go, also assuming its 2023 academic entry you may not get a place at your local comprehensive. id say let her go the the grammar and you can always pull out if this doesnt work (unlikely), its easier than doing it other way around

Jellycats4life · 13/08/2023 13:28

My daughter is in the same situation - going to a grammar where she’ll know just a couple of kids, whereas the majority of her friends are going elsewhere. Fortunately for me, she’s excited to go and quite philosophical about leaving friends behind, and plans to keep in touch with them online (which is how she loves to socialise anyway!)

What your daughter doesn’t realise is that even secure friendship groups from primary don’t necessarily survive the transition to secondary. They might be in different forms and hardly see each other. Friendships will be made with other kids from other primary schools (which can put a few noses out of joint!).

I’m guessing the facilities and opportunities offered at grammar vs comp are like night and day - that was certainly the case when it came to all the schools we visited. You would be mad to give up this opportunity. Would it help to draw up a list of pros and cons of the two schools so she can appreciate that the main thing going for the comp is sticking with three of her friends?

Hoppinggreen · 13/08/2023 13:37

DD went to Private Secondary, as did DD after State Primary.
DD had a few wobbles about not going with her friends, especially on transition days but she really wasn’t keen on the Comprehensive she would have gone to so that helped.
DS was a bit resistant as well but it helped that his sister was there and due to lots of house building he would not have got a place where most of his friends were going anyway.
I did involve them both in the process and talked through the reasons behind the decision but they both knew it wasn’t open for discussion