Moving Teen for year 10 due to school failure but he doesn't want to move and I'm worried about his mental health

[Thosearentstars]

This might be a long one.. sorry, but I could use some advice. My teen boy is in year 9 at an independent school that I prefer not to name. He went on his first overseas trip with the school skiing in the Alps over Easter and on day 3 I got a call from one of the teachers on the trip telling me that my son, who has been an exemplary student and has not even had a detention before had drunk a large quantity of vodka in a short space of time and was in hospital!

To cut a very long story short he ended up in a life-threatening condition and a teacher had to administer emergency life-saving first aid. I was shocked to hear this as it really was out of character. Further investigations proved that he was put in a compromising position and there were many failures for safeguarding that occurred and terrible planning and last-minute changes for the trip, which includes failure on behalf of the chosen tour company that have also been in the news recently. He was also separated from his peers and put in a room with children he didn't know who are older than him, and this is the group that initiated the buying of alcohol!

The school carried out a very dodgy and in my view, corrupt investigation to safeguard their teachers and put sole blame on the students who it appears were left pretty much unsupervised most evenings and had no authority checking on them and also no safety, conduct or consequences briefing prior to the trip. Am I wrong to expect that the school should fully brief children at this age of expected behaviour, conduct and the consequences?

He is my first born and I'm learning as I go but even I know teenagers will push boundaries and make stupid decisions, especially boys whose frontal lobe is still developing, and if left to their own devices without adequate boundaries or supervision something bad is going to happen. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but this is out of character and if he was in a foreign country with me on holiday he certainly wouldn't have just been let loose in the town with cash and allowed to disappear for the evening without being checked on!

We were grateful he wasn't expelled but feel the school tricked us by not excluding him permanently as I think they know if they did we would complain and look at legal action. It certainly feels like the school covered something up!

The result of his actions was suspension for a week, exclusion from certain events, and no school trips for a year, plus being on a 'final contract' for the next two years which means if he steps out of line just once he will be expelled! I understand the seriousness of what happened but it was his first-ever offence and he was not adequately safeguarded.

I haven't been 100% certain this is the best school for him since year 8 but he seemed to settle in year 9 and has a good friendship group. However, I have lost trust in the school and feel rather traumatised by the events. Since this happened it feels like I've taken off my rose-tinted glasses and I'm noticing so many red flags with the school. It has forced me to move him to another school at the end of year 9 so he can study for his GCSEs without a final contract hanging over him (2 years is a long time for a boy his age not to do something stupid). I know the other school is a much better school but it is a concern moving him now after he is so settled and has a good friendship group. He really doesn't want to move and is shutting himself off and looking really depressed. I'm worried about his mental health and how this will affect him starting a new school for year 10 when he has his GCSEs to think about!

I'm a single parent and had to move away from friends due to my children's narcissistic father and I have no other family to support me so I'm feeling really stuck and wobbling over my decision. Is this just a teenager digging their heels in and I need to be strong here? I've done so much research on schools both state and independent and chose a school that could be a good change for him. But I'm worried with his age it could mess everything up if I move him.

Any advice from anyone who has managed to read this far down would be so appreciated.

I also want to add, as he has previously been bullied, the long term effects in confidence and self worth this has on kids is huge. They very often end up being naughty to fit in. The bullied becomes the bully and vice versa, as the root cause is so often self esteem.
If he feels he is now good at being the 'legend' he will run with that. It is better than being bullied after all.

news spreads fast on social media!

@Grimbelina Unfortunately this is the case in the private schools I've had experience with too. Not all, but it seems to happen more than in state schools. I guess state schools don't have to worry as much about pupil numbers significantly dropping. I am also not sure why private schools do this as really, a safeguarding situation handled well, even if it does get out, would surely make the school look better, rather than worse. Everyone knows things go wrong, when parents see how the school handles those situations, their trust can either increase of decrease.

@RedFluffyPanda Oh I think I agree with @Damnspot Even the neighbouring schools will know about it. Social media, fixtures etc it spreads fast, esp if the situation got so dangerous. It's not just a silly getting tipsy in our room and posting it on snap situation. Stupid things happen on these trips, esp skiing as they attract the rich kids, but it's rarely ever this bad, so this would definitely be the talk of the local schools.

Yes even I would know about it if it happened in the same county!! My dcs would definitely know and it would be along the lines of omg did you hear about that boy who got so pissed he had to go to hospital, he's going to Harry's school

Sorry OP if it helps to know I'd feel very sorry for him and you

Yup, same here. It spreads fast. I feel sorry for him and OP.

If he has struggled with bullying and now has friends l would be slow to move him. Being happy in a school is huge at this age and presumably he won't be on any more trips to suffer their lax care. He has hopefully learnt a big lesson. He isn't the first and he won't be the last. Summer holidays are coming and it will all blow over. It could be the making of him as he will be afraid of alcohol now. He has gone through a lot with bullying and then this episode so a change of school might just be too much.

Also OP, don't give up on the state school place. If kids leave at the end of Y9, it's at the end of the year normally, if it hasn't happened by Easter. Its so unpredictable though so I can see how it's quite difficult to move from private to state, unless you have big pockets and don't mind wasting a term of fees.

Not his fault 🤣. He did drink the vodka !

I live in London. Unless it was a kid stabbing another kid such a thing as alcohol abuse wouldn't be an interesting message that kids at other schools remember as worth discussing. Maybe as a city tale for a week here and there when it happened. Then more exciting stories will be going around regarding alcohol and teens.

That's a bit sad.

It is. But in this instance has its benefits

I live in London too and this would actually be spoken about more as knife crime is so common they're almost immune to it. Different communities are obviously going to respond differently though. I'm not saying people will talk about this month's on end, but it definitely would be the talk of the town that week. I can see how after, this child would be seen as quite cool by a fair few. There's always quite a few friendship group shifts after a residential trip so I can see how this would alter the way this boy is viewed in his school and the friendship groups he attracts.

I suppose so. But an odd way to look at it - my kids are so desensitised to something as trivial as being hospitalised with alcohol poisoning, if its not stabbing we aren't bothered

@Damnspot that's definitely not how it is in my part of London. It's sadly the opposite. Not many kids get stabbed, but knife crime is common. Someone getting so drunk on a trip abroad that they're in hospital, would be more shocking than someone being involved in knife crime.
Private school kids in London tend to be much more sheltered from knife crime though and do tend to have more access to drugs and alcohol so I can see how the alcohol incident wouldn't be as shocking as say, knife. In my DDs inner London state school, the alcohol incident would be really shocking and would definitely spread to other schools.

@Thosearentstars when you say older than him do you mean year 10?

I've never sent my dcs on a mixed year group trip at secondary, they don't seem to be a thing at all. Probably wise!

Within that school- yes. But not in other schools. I know only one story that is circulating among several schools and that was about a stabbing at a school

Kids drinking alcohol in excess are so common that really it is not something that would occupy anybody for long. There is so much more to discuss in current notorious incidents like like other substance abuse, drug selling etc

@Damnspot I don't know where you live but I live in London Borough of Richmond. Probably a borough with one of the lowers crime rates. The story about stabbing circulates precisely because it is not a common thing that happens here.

And kids drink alcohol in secondary everywhere. I am not saying that every day but it is not once in a blue moon to widely discuss for years.

Dod, I am afraid that you are not well informed about how common it is.
Teenage Drinking Problem. Among those in hospital for alcohol poisoning, young people between the age of fifteen and twenty-four had the highest rates. The figure for females between the age of fifteen and nineteen was 357.6 per 100,000 in 2013/2014 while the figure for males was 259.4 per 100,000.

https://www.uk-rehab.com/alcohol-addiction/rising-number-of-people-in-hospital-with-alcohol-poisoning/

Huh? I literally said I can see how the alcohol thing wouldn't be a big deal in some schools as it can be very common. Just isn't in my area of London.

@Dodgeitornot

apologies Dod. I misunderstood you

I would delete your latest post OP. It's far too much detail. This is a public forum. I get you want to vent, but it's not appropriate to post this on a public forum. It's easily identifiable and your son won't appreciate it.
Half the points aren't problematic anyway. It's very rare for SLT or head teacher to go on a residential trip.

This.

“I'm a single parent and had to move away from friends due to my children's narcissistic father and I have no other family to support me so I'm feeling really stuck and wobbling over my decision.”

Given what you said about the previous bullying and the difficult circumstances at home too, I think a fresh start and counselling might be best for your DS. Don’t dismiss state schools because there can be less pressure to be cool etc/high achieving. I would really focus on my child’s mental health and yours.

It sounds like an unfortunate situation with a lot that went wrong. Thankfully he came out OK physically. Try and focus on the positives, move on, and make sure you get your deposit back and they don’t try and bully you into paying the next term’s fees.