Moving Teen for year 10 due to school failure but he doesn't want to move and I'm worried about his mental health

[Thosearentstars]

This might be a long one.. sorry, but I could use some advice. My teen boy is in year 9 at an independent school that I prefer not to name. He went on his first overseas trip with the school skiing in the Alps over Easter and on day 3 I got a call from one of the teachers on the trip telling me that my son, who has been an exemplary student and has not even had a detention before had drunk a large quantity of vodka in a short space of time and was in hospital!

To cut a very long story short he ended up in a life-threatening condition and a teacher had to administer emergency life-saving first aid. I was shocked to hear this as it really was out of character. Further investigations proved that he was put in a compromising position and there were many failures for safeguarding that occurred and terrible planning and last-minute changes for the trip, which includes failure on behalf of the chosen tour company that have also been in the news recently. He was also separated from his peers and put in a room with children he didn't know who are older than him, and this is the group that initiated the buying of alcohol!

The school carried out a very dodgy and in my view, corrupt investigation to safeguard their teachers and put sole blame on the students who it appears were left pretty much unsupervised most evenings and had no authority checking on them and also no safety, conduct or consequences briefing prior to the trip. Am I wrong to expect that the school should fully brief children at this age of expected behaviour, conduct and the consequences?

He is my first born and I'm learning as I go but even I know teenagers will push boundaries and make stupid decisions, especially boys whose frontal lobe is still developing, and if left to their own devices without adequate boundaries or supervision something bad is going to happen. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but this is out of character and if he was in a foreign country with me on holiday he certainly wouldn't have just been let loose in the town with cash and allowed to disappear for the evening without being checked on!

We were grateful he wasn't expelled but feel the school tricked us by not excluding him permanently as I think they know if they did we would complain and look at legal action. It certainly feels like the school covered something up!

The result of his actions was suspension for a week, exclusion from certain events, and no school trips for a year, plus being on a 'final contract' for the next two years which means if he steps out of line just once he will be expelled! I understand the seriousness of what happened but it was his first-ever offence and he was not adequately safeguarded.

I haven't been 100% certain this is the best school for him since year 8 but he seemed to settle in year 9 and has a good friendship group. However, I have lost trust in the school and feel rather traumatised by the events. Since this happened it feels like I've taken off my rose-tinted glasses and I'm noticing so many red flags with the school. It has forced me to move him to another school at the end of year 9 so he can study for his GCSEs without a final contract hanging over him (2 years is a long time for a boy his age not to do something stupid). I know the other school is a much better school but it is a concern moving him now after he is so settled and has a good friendship group. He really doesn't want to move and is shutting himself off and looking really depressed. I'm worried about his mental health and how this will affect him starting a new school for year 10 when he has his GCSEs to think about!

I'm a single parent and had to move away from friends due to my children's narcissistic father and I have no other family to support me so I'm feeling really stuck and wobbling over my decision. Is this just a teenager digging their heels in and I need to be strong here? I've done so much research on schools both state and independent and chose a school that could be a good change for him. But I'm worried with his age it could mess everything up if I move him.

Any advice from anyone who has managed to read this far down would be so appreciated.

As a teacher, I think the school's lack of supervision on the ski trip sounds very dangerous, and the fact he was so unwell as to need to be hospitalised is terrifying. Is there anyone you can report the school too, e.g. ISI? I've heard of sixth formers managing to drink a small amount on trips, but not 13yos having so much they are extremely unwell.

For me, I would not be able to leave him in the school, because I would worry too much about where else their safeguarding was lax- it may not be obvious from the outside.

Teens are usually reluctant to move schools, but they are also usually fine once they get to a new school. Y10 is often a time when friendship groups change, as people pick different options for GCSEs and so classes tend to be mixed up, and so on. If he's not able to take a full part in school life at his current school, it sounds like a new start would give him far more options.

I'm assuming the new school is also private? If so, is there any option of him doing a taster day or similar?

I would move him.
They failed your son with the massive lack of care on his ski trip and have tired to cover their backs.
I dont think you can come back from this.
I would find further info and make a formal complaint and move your son.

Year 11 is not a bad time to move due to changes for GCSE etc. Poor lad. How is he now?

Your son knew he was not allowed to drink or buy alcohol. He did do so. He was seriously ill. I think that I would be very annoyed with my child. If you no longer trust the school of course you move him. However you say you are moving him because he has been given a warning about his behaviour and you are worried he could do something else stupid! If it was all everyone else's fault then there won't be further problems will there?

sorry I meant year 10 not 11

My dc is at a 'very good' private school. I would 100% move them after that event. The problem is PS often get away with so much because you're stuck in a hard place when trying to move your dc from one.

I would tell him unfortunately that was too serious an incident for you to keep him at current school and it's not his fault as such but sometimes things happen that can change everything.

Tell him that he doesn't really have to like the next school as he's doing GCSEs which are really important and it's only two years of knuckling down and getting good grades and if he really hates it you'll consider moving him in sixth form.

It’s a good time to move, I would move in your position I think the punishment is too draconian. I have found there is a definite lack of supervision of my DC at different independent schools on foreign trips. One of my DC didn’t want to go on a trip offered as he is worried it would be too raucous. One school has changed the style of all its trips after an incident but now the trips are very supervised and the kids don’t like it. Can’t really win. I choose the trips carefully.

Paisleywaisley it is absolutely his fault that he chose to get paralytic on vodka! Unbelievable.

Shocking this was allowed to happen I would move him and report to the necessary bodies

Am I wrong to expect that the school should fully brief children at this age of expected behaviour, Errrrm...parents should do this first.

Your son drank. Unless he was severely being pressured, it's on him. In your opinion the school's review isn't ok, because it casts your son in a negative light. You sound biased. 'Since my son drank to excess, I have taken off my rose tinted glasses...'

Does the school have to tell the kids then that drinking alcohol and getting paralytic is not allowed? I think that it is pretty obvious. Are you suggesting your dc thought this might be OK?

"Am I wrong to expect that the school should fully brief children at this age of expected behaviour, conduct and the consequences?"

I would expect a Y9 to know they can't do this and the consequences involved. I wouldn't expect them to have to be briefed on it, no.

Further investigations proved that he was put in a compromising position and there were many failures for safeguarding that occurred and terrible planning and last-minute changes for the trip, which includes failure on behalf of the chosen tour company that have also been in the news recently.

Have you formally complained about this? What steps has the school taken to rectify this?

"but even I know teenagers will push boundaries and make stupid decisions, especially boys whose frontal lobe is still developing, and if left to their own devices without adequate boundaries or supervision something bad is going to happen. I'm not condoning his behaviour,"

All Y9s brains will be developing at this age, not just 'especially' boys. It does sound like more supervision should've been happening, but it does sort of sound like you are not putting much blame on him and are throwing a lot of blame on the school. Ultimately, when kids are invited on trips, they are expected to behave. Kids who have bad behaviour records are normally not allowed to go. Behaviour expectations are clear as all secondary school trips have a level of freedom. This when abused can easily lead to a situation like this. My DD has gone on her schools ski trip every year. She is in Y10 and they're always allowed out into the ski town in small groups in the evening. They're expected to behave and come back on time. They're not 10 year olds. Your son abused that trust and got himself into an extremely dangerous situation through his own selfishness. I am sorry, but I don't feel I could blame anyone but my DD if she did this, and she has done some stupid stuff this year, on par with your son.

I cannot imagine how petrified this incident made you, and I completely understand your fury at the school, but I do think this is ultimately his fault, and I wouldn't move a child over this unless there's other things you're concerned about.

I am currently in the middle of moving my Y10 DD so I know the legwork it takes, and I wouldn't be going through all this just because of this incident. Private schools tend to attract quite selfish brats so sadly you will probably find this in any other school.

Your son knew he shouldn't drink yet did. You seem to be blaming everyone but him.
As for safeguarding issues there are missing details - were they out in the town? Had someone smuggled
vodka in to the room, what time was it?

I think reading what OP has said it seems he was severely pressured because he was left unattended with a group of older children he didn’t know.
of course the child could have chosen not to drink but we know kids are piss poor at making proper decision’s especially in situations like these which is why proper supervision is necessary.

I wouldn’t allow him to go on anymore trips but I wouldn’t move him. I just think of my friendships at that age and how long they took to form and settle I wouldn’t have wanted to have to start over again in yr10. Then again I guess it comes down to personality is your DC a social butterfly who can make friends easily??

I think YABU. To me, this would be a "these things can happen with teenagers" situation.

I also think the school were harsh to suspend him tbh.

At the end of the day, your son was a bit daft to get that drunk on a school trip! Hope he's OK now, but he's at fault, not the school imo.

I have a year 10 ds who went on a school ski trip earlier this year.

He absolutely knows not to drink alcohol, at home or at school, and that doing so would get him sent home, and grounded. Are you claiming your son didn't know he shouldn't drink vodka? At 13!

The teachers clearly were on hand to deal with him choking on his own vomit or needing his stomach pumped or whatever was necessary.

He's been suspended for getting himself into this state. If he's on a last warning, that sounds like he's been in trouble before. And he should be capable of not 'doing something stupid' for the remainder of his GCSE years.

He doesn't want to move. Unless you think the issue is peer pressure and a bad friendship group, I'd leave him where he is, but make it clear that if he does anything stupid again, they will kick him out.

I think you are placing too much of the blame on the school and not enough on your son.

My Y9 teen also went on a ski trip at Easter. They all had to sign a “behaviour contract” which clearly stated that alcohol, drugs, smoking / vaping, leaving rooms at night etc were unacceptable and breaching any of these would mean that parents would be required to come and collect them (at their cost) and normal school rules regarding suspension and exclusion would apply once the new term started.

Your son had the choice not to drink. Your son had the option to tell staff that he wasn’t happy with the rooming situation or also that the other boys were drinking alcohol. Unless he was held down and force fed booze, these are decisions he made for himself.

Also, they are teenagers. They are allowed freedoms. My DD was allowed out in groups of a minimum of four at certain points in the day. They were allowed to go to cafes, shops etc. Certain places were strictly off limits, and they had to check in with staff at set times. At night, staff would check that everyone was in their room and then they would be under curfew until the morning. Teachers obviously can’t sleep in the rooms with the children, nor can they spot check constantly throughout the night.

Whilst this is an awful thing to happen to both you and your son, short of constant supervision 24 hours a day, how could this have been prevented? Your son made a stupid decision. Those providing the alcohol did the same.

I would move him. Maybe there are other school options. Make sure that he feels a part of school choice. If you don't move him he will be stigmatised as the one that got drunk.

I would arrange few weekly session with psychologist with him. He may help with the school transition

I am sorry you have to go through it. But he is still a silly teen. You and him need a fresh start and definitely his school " friends" are not having a good impact on him.

Thank you for all the comments, the kind ones and the harsh ones. I think it important to mention that he has been punished for his actions at home as well as in school and I'm not flowering over his behaviour and putting full blame on the school. He did have a choice and he chose badly. As teens sometimes do, despite my talks with him prior to the trip about behaviour and conduct that I expect. However, this was very out of character for him as he has never been in trouble at school before and there were some very big red flags with the trip with regard to the teaching staff, the organisation, how the investigation was carried out and some of my questions to the school about safeguarding procedures, communication from the staff to the children, and risk assessments were ignored and covered over. It feels very much like the Principal knows there were failings on their behalf but hid behind the school policies to avoid a complaint or possible legal action.

I did run this past a family member when we first heard the news who for several years was a safeguarding officer for the Duke of Edinburgh awards and takes army cadets on training exercises and trips. He agreed that the school failed in many areas but they would safeguard the school's reputation and the teachers. Which is exactly how it played out.

Since this happened he does seem to have attracted the attention of some undesirable pupils at the school and is finding it hard to put this behind him. He was very honest in the investigation and hand-wrote apology letters to all the teachers and a 3000-word statement. The way the school handled it has left me feeling a lack of trust in safeguarding. I am also noticing a change in his behaviour this year so that he fits in, most possibly so that he doesn't get bullied, as he was bullied a bit in his previous school. There seems to be an element of it not being cool to be smart in his school and he is a smart young man who seems to be coasting and not working to his full potential.

I haven't been 100% happy with the school since year 8 (I wrote off year 7 due to Covid), and this year I have been researching other schools both state and private. He is on the waiting list for a local state school but it's most likely too late now as the place hasn't become available. I decided upon another private school which has better ISI reports, is smaller and seems more nurturing. Not to mention the fees are more affordable as I do struggle to pay them and have to make sacrifices in other areas. I have no doubt it is a better school and I have been fully honest with them about the situation. They have been very supportive and honest with me also which feels like a breath of fresh air and so different to how his current school deals with matters. Although there is an element of peer pressure in his current school it seems to be from the older year group, not his actual friendship group. I've heard they are a particularly difficult year, and the Principal just doesn't seem to be doing much about it. The action that is taken doesn't seem to resolve anything!

I know I want him to move to the other school and I feel it will be more suited to him even though the change will be hard. But as he doesn't want to move and feels it unfair that I'm making this decision I worry that it could be counterproductive. It could go one of two ways; either he gets his head around it settles in the new school and knuckles down to do his GCSEs or he rebels and is miserable in the new school. Whichever way I look at it I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Having read your update, I'm not sure I'd give him the choice in the move. Many will probably disagree with me on this, as they think a Y9 should have the choice, but frankly if he's dumb enough to drink in order to impress others, it won't get much better if he stays. I can see where this will end and where your worries are, especially as he is finally finding a popular group after being bullied.
My DD is in Y10 and doesn't particularly want to move, she has days where she sees sense and does, but others where she's had a brilliant day of messing around and doesn't want to. Frankly I know better and have the advantage of seeing long term benefits which she won't be seeing currently as she's finally reached her dream of being popular.
Whether than an appropriate group of friends for her is irrelevant in her eyes. She doesn't see where it'll all end. I sense it's a similar situation with your son. I think it's too stressful to expect a 14 year old to make a decision this big on their own, especially if they've suddenly got themselves a cool badge.
I personally would move him.

The notoriety will follow him to his next school. They'll probably all think he's a 'ledge'

I'd think carefully about moving him if he's happy there unless you truly believe he is in a group who expect him to act silly for their entertainment, which clearly happened on the ski trip. Also the older boys don't sound very nice letting that happen to him so I'd be concerned about the school culture.

Also reading your update you probably won't trust the school so maybe better to move.

I do think school culture makes a huge difference. I forgot to point that out in my post. It seems he's currently in a school where being a 'ledge' is a cool thing. There's lots of schools where OPs sons behaviour would make him an idiot and that's probably where she's prefer he was. It's unlikely he would've been pressured to do something like this in a school with a different culture. Assholes happen everywhere, but not all schools have kids who think stuff like this is cool. If they let him drink so much, they probably wanted to laugh at him too, which is the same as bullying. I'd be concerned kids like this are allowed to go on a ski trip. it's unlikely they've been able to hide that kind of attitude prior to the trip.

>Since this happened he does seem to have attracted the attention of some undesirable pupils at the school and is finding it hard to put this behind him.

Definitely move him. This was horrible because it was life-threatening. It is important that he understands it but it is not like he is a notorious alcoholic. If you leave him in the same school he will "live his labelling" and in fact if you move him, he may remember it as a good life lesson that will make sure he is not trying to impress anybody with excess use of alcohol.
And don't be harsh on yourself. Send him to a psychologist and don't be harsh on him anymore if he understood the lesson. This is an incident and your relationship with him matters. Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. Hugs

I have DC at both private and state (and went to both myself) and have been frankly appalled by the way that major safeguarding issues have been swept under the carpet at the private schools (including the one I was at). My experience is also, sadly, that they rarely truly address issues unless there is the possibilty of reputational damage and they will blame a child if they can.

Your son made a mistake, yes, but it sounds like he has been punished again and again and if the school had been safeguarding properly the incident wouldn't have happened. I suspect he is being blamed more than he should be. He must have very complicated feelings about it all and feel very unsettled.

I would definitely move him for a fresh start. You are the adult and you know best. He can still keep his good friends from his current school but will be away from the older group. You will also have a fresh start. It is very hard to continue at a school when you have lost trust in them.

>The notoriety will follow him to his next school.

why would you think that @Damnspot?
It is not like everybody knows everybody and it happens in a small village with two schools to choose from.