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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Moving DD in Yr9 from state to private .... ?

29 replies

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 11:41

I know many are opposed to private but our circumstances have changed a bit recently and we're able to afford to send DD to a private school in YR9 (she's currently Y8). She's at the local state and is very happy there, but we're increasingly noticing that she's not being challenged in subjects where she's very strong (English, history etc); and not getting nearly enough support in subjects where she struggles, particularly maths and science. There are huge gaps in her science and maths. The school itself is a very happy place but last year only 20% of kids got A-C grades at GSCE. This seems really low and is way below the national average. DD was always an avid reader, but has fallen in with a group that sees reading as uncool and it feels like her values and interests are changing - I know that's what happens at this age, but it worries me a lot.

Earlier this year she took an entrance exam and had interviews at a local private school. She was happy to do all this, and seemed to really like the school when we looked around it. She never said she was 100% certain she wanted to go if offered a place, but she said she really liked it as well as the people she met. Anyway, we've now been offered a place and in the last few weeks she's completely hardened against this as an option. She says it's posh, and it's an 'identity' she doesn't want, and the school uniform is horrible and she won't like anyone there. She also says she won't 'shine' there in the way she does at her current school (she is in the highest set and does well in sport). Her friendship group at her current school has become closer in recent months; and there's a lot of stigma attached to the private school she has a place at. At the same time, I feel like if she gave the new school a try, she'd really love it and the opportunities there would be amazing for her. I just don't know what to do now. She's happy where she is, but not getting the attention she needs (she's not being challenged in the subjects where she does very well; and not getting enough support in the subjects where she is challenged); there is no homework, so she's back at home by 3.30 with not much to do etc.... And when I say she is 'happy', I mean the teenage version of happy.... she's pretty miserable and grumpy about something or other most of the time... Part of our reasoning for sending her to the private school is that the days are longer and there are loads of extra-curricular activities that would keep her stimulated and engaged - that's when she seems happiest.

Any advice gratefully received.....

OP posts:

Alargeoneplease89 · 24/04/2023 11:45

If she is forced to go, she will rebel. Cant you use your extra money for a tutor on her weaker subjects?

Taq · 24/04/2023 11:48

Moving from state to private in Y9 is not ideal, but doable if the child really wants it.

Your child doesn’t, so I think it’s a hard no. She will struggle to be accepted at this point anyway as friendships are already established, but this will be doubly worse as she will blame and resent you for it.

Why not get extra tuition?

Taq · 24/04/2023 11:49

OR if you really want her to go and truly believe it will benefit her, I think you have to think of a way of making it her idea.

Original poster

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 11:53

Thanks for your replies. For a bit of context, she already knows people at the school (some of whom are good friends, which is why her sudden turn against it feels a bit confusing); and there is a big new intake at Y9 so she wouldn't be the only one starting, they have loads of new starters at that point. We could go down the tutoring route, but we're in quite a rural area so it would have to be online which is not ideal, and she'd give us hell on that too.

OP posts:

Gregorylass · 24/04/2023 11:53

Generally, I prefer private schools but this sounds tricky. Her friendship group is important to her and she is happy where she is. She may be very daunted by the prospect of starting somewhere else, where the friendship groups are already established.

Your concern is valid regarding her academic performance, but you might be better improving her chances of good grades by employing tutors in the subjects in which she needs a boost.

FancyFran · 24/04/2023 11:57

There is no easy answer. My daughter went from state to private in year 9 due to bullying. The next lot were worse! She had been in a private school 3-11 which was fine. My DD is also very academic. She ended up in a state multi cultural sixform which she loved.
I have noticed that generation Z don't really agree with private schools/ white privilege etc. It really out of fashion to be seen not to support the wider community. Both my DC refused to apply to Oxford due to its connotations of elitism. Be careful of forcing her. My DD downed tools when she was unhappy. We had school refusal. For content my DS works in politics, my daughter is a med student so not too shabby.

user1492757084 · 24/04/2023 11:58

Talk to your daughter about her longer life goals.
She needs to take seriously her career path and identify her strengths and joys.
She also needs to smarten up her committment to homework which ever school she is at.

Can you have her join a sport or club which has girls from both schools? Then her freiendship group will expand.
Does the new school have a fete or musical that you could attend?
Can she be tutored as extras? (if she stays at her old school)

Dodgeitornot · 24/04/2023 11:59

My DD is in Y10 and we're doing this now but she's going to retake the year. We had to do trials at quite a few schools till we settled. The poshness and lack of diversity was a sticking point in a few of them.
Can you ask the private school to give her a few more trial days? My DD didn't really click with it till day 3 of the trial. It's a big decision but with those results I'm not sure I'd be giving her much choice.
Is her current school oversubscribed? We have told DD that if things don't work out in the first term, she can go back, or if she hates it by the end of GCSEs she can go back to state for sixth.

Original poster

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:05

Thanks for all your replies. I think what's really bothering me is that she makes friends very easily and is academic and able and I think she would be happy at the private school. She really liked it when we looked around; she liked the other people she met when she did the entrance exam; and she already has friends there - one of whom is a really close friend. My worry is that her current objections, even though she is feeling them passionately, might be quite fleeting. Her friendship group at her current school seems to change quite a bit, for example. At the moment, we'd be 'forcing' her to go, but I think she'd be fine within a week or two of being there. That's my strong instinct. But I just don't know for sure! At the same time, if we let her stay where she is, I know for sure she wouldn't be reaching her full potential.

OP posts:

VincentVaguer · 24/04/2023 12:09

I'd leave her where she is if there's a chance she'll get contextual offers from university. Get tutors for the other bits. I moved mine for year 9 but she was very unhappy in the state school.

Original poster

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:11

@Dodgeitornot that's interesting to hear. Did your daughter want to move schools in the first place? My DD actually knows the private school pretty well - she's done sports tournaments there; plays in a couple of mixed sports team. Went to primary school with several kids who are currently there.
This 'us' and 'them' narrative seems to have hardened recently. That's want seems to be the problem. Socially, she identifies with her state school mates and doesn't want to become one of the 'posh' ones. I get that totally. But I also feel like we need to consider the full picture, not just her social concerns. She's also worried about being a small fish in a big pond at the new school. At her current school she gets prizes/awards etc, and she's worried that she'll be at the bottom of the pile at the new school. At the same time, she got a partial scholarship for her performance in humanities in the entrance exam, so surely they will recognise her abilities in that area at least.

OP posts:

iPreferBooks · 24/04/2023 12:13

If she's likely to go to university save it for living costs at uni. The maintainence loan is means tested and some people don't qualify for the maximum loan. Some peoples loan barely covers university accommodation, or if their loan covers accommodation it just covers accommodation not food as well/going out etc.

coloursquare · 24/04/2023 12:15

I can't see why you would do this. She's happy and she seems to be doing well. By all means get her some extra tuition for maths and science. If she's as able as you say in English/humanities then she should do very well regardless at GCSE.

More to the point, to be successful at university she needs to learn self-motivation and self-discipline. There will be distractions and trends all the way through life.

MedievalNun · 24/04/2023 12:16

Another one suggesting a trial - could she perhaps do a couple of weeks at the private school at the end of term, to see how she 'fits'?

Peer pressure amongst girls is awful and a fear of having no friends outside school, or being the 'outsider' in the school is not fun.

That said if she's expressing worry about her level of achievement if she goes there (i.e. going from top of the set to lower in it) it might help her to do a couple of days - even maybe just a couple of the subjects - to see that it's not so great a leap she thinks.

Good luck.

VincentVaguer · 24/04/2023 12:16

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:11

Your dd is right. Listen to her. My dd went from being top set and sports hero to middle sets and just one of many amazing sporty kids. She didn't mind but your dd is telling you that she does mind.

VincentVaguer · 24/04/2023 12:17

MedievalNun · 24/04/2023 12:16

Another one suggesting a trial - could she perhaps do a couple of weeks at the private school at the end of term, to see how she 'fits'?

Peer pressure amongst girls is awful and a fear of having no friends outside school, or being the 'outsider' in the school is not fun.

Good luck.

I doubt they'll do this tbh unless they are really desperate for kids.

QueenSmartypants · 24/04/2023 12:20

I would send her anyway. I think yr9 is a pretty good time to change schools tbh and her current reaction is normal and probably, as ypu suspect, fleeting.

Presumably she's told her friends she might be moving schools, which would explain the current tightening of the friendship group and backlash against private schools.

Reassure her about shining...And point out that unless she's challenged at school she'll find work and further education exceptionally difficult. Friends who weren't challenged at school never knew what it was to find work difficult and completely broke down at university when they were no longer big fish in small ponds.

And finally, as her parent you do what's right for her.

Original poster

sunnysideup05 · 24/04/2023 12:26

@QueenSmartypants - thank you. I understand why lots of others are questioning why we would even consider it, when she is happy where she is. But we have our reasons, and feel it would be irresponsible of us not to take this option very seriously, and possibly make a decision that she doesn't agree with, if we decide that it's in her interests in the longer term. At the moment I just don't know, but am heavily leaning towards sending her, because I'm worried that we'll all regret it further down the line if we were to pass up this opportunity for her.

OP posts:

Paq · 24/04/2023 12:41

She sounds like she'll be happy and successful anywhere but others have said she needs to think about what she wants to do next. I'm about as pushy as it comes with regards to academics but as long as her gcse results get her to the next stage that's all that matters.

Seeline · 24/04/2023 12:49

Do both schools offer the same sort of range of GCSEs?
Is there one that would suit her better from that point of view?

puffyisgood · 24/04/2023 12:55

20% A-C at GCSE (I assume this strictly speaking means grades A*-C/9-4) sounds off the scale bad/borderline implausible, but if the girl is in the top sets then presumably attainment levels are much better there?

MissyB1 · 24/04/2023 13:00

Ds is year 9 at a small private senior school. He’s just had a new girl in his form who has come from a local state school, in fact the last couple of terms there has been new kids in his year from state schools. They seem to settle in very quickly, all the clubs and activities help with that I think. I would encourage you to do it.

pointythings · 24/04/2023 13:01

What is your DD predicted to get at the school she is at now? The local comp my DDs went to sits at about 45% grades 4 - 9, but we are in a town which has some very deprived areas where families aren't at all engaged with education and that drags the average down. The picture among high attainers is very, very different. If your DD is predicted to do well, unsettling her for Yr9 might not be for the best. Yr9 is an awful year in any case and making it worse isn't a good idea.

Are her issues with maths/science due to poor teaching or because it isn't where her aptitudes lie? That would also influence my decision. This is where work ethic really matters - my DD2 struggled with maths and science but wanted to study marine biology at uni so worked her absolute backside off and got 7s and a 6 for physics, then did Biology and Psychology A levels to get where she wanted to be.

weightymatters73 · 24/04/2023 13:02

1005 I would send her (but you need to "persuade" her).

She is possibly in a jealous friendship group who don't want her to better herself and its a big red flag that reading is seen as uncool..

Where the heck is the idea coming from that the private school is "posh" - she is the type of kid at private school! You can afford it, so it's people like her....

HawaiiWake · 24/04/2023 14:24

So her current friends thinks it is uncool to read….the too cool for school crowd is a worry. You want her friends and peers to encourage her and her interests and not hinder her.

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