Single vs co-ed

[AlwaysMoreThanMeetsTheEye]

My DD has got offers from 2 secondary private schools. Both have much going for them. The biggest difference is the single sex (girls) vs co-ed.
Our DD is an only child and, although has enjoyed co-ed education so far, most of her friends at school are girls and she does not interact much with boys in her extra-curricular activities.
Instinctively, I feel that co-ed might prepare her better socially for the world she would face at university and beyond. But would really welcome views of others with girls (either only children or in with only sisters in the household) in a similar situation that have gone to single sex schools and can comment on their experience.

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@HawaiiWake Thanks

I have a similar decision to make, ie between a very good co-Ed and a top girls only school. Can you please pm me your thoughts. Thank you 🙏

I chose single for sex for my two dds. It was the Ofsted report on sexual assaults and sexualised behaviour in schools, Everyone’s Invited and the very gendered A level classes I saw in the co ed schools that informed my decision, though the fit of the school we chose was also important. I felt very lucky to have the choice, I know that many people don’t.

My dds went to a co ed primary and both have hobbies outside school which are mixed, so my view was that they wouldn’t see boys as aliens but that giving them an all girls space for the teenage years would be beneficial.

The best way to prepare your DD for adult life is to show her how to take up space, make her voice heard, take risks by trying new things even if they are outside her comfort zone. All of those are easier for girls to do in a girls only environment in my experience - and the research bears that out.

She will only be at school for 7 hours a day. The rest of her time she can mix with boys at clubs etc, if she wants to.

I went to all girls secondary and have to say I really liked having the separation from boys whilst at school. Still had plenty of male friends from the local all boys school (in fact married to one of them now 😆) but I liked being all girls for studying. Had no problem transitioning to the mixed environment at uni!

Looks like I'm the only parent on this thread with this experience, but it's common from other parents I've spoken to (not all but seems a fair few).
My daughter went from a mixed sex primary to an all girls secondary & found it incredibly bitchy & cliquey.
I found the girls who had been to any of the local 3 single sex primarys first then up to secondary adjusted fine because they were used to only being with girls & how things were done. But going from a mixed sex school my daughter struggled & actually had a terrible time & was bullied. To be fair she was fairly quiet, but they picked at the most ridiculous things about her appearance & made a huge issue of it.
She is actually a very pretty girl so it was awful to see how some nasty girls could get under her skin like that ...
Anyway long story short worst thing I ever did was inflict that school upon her & it took her years to recover her self esteem. She was in it for almost 2 years before we pulled her because it escalated & nothing was being done.
This wasn't in the distant past either, the last 5 years.

Personal and family preferences.
Everyone invited website, check the coed schools and their policy and welling being and talks. It has moved on from those years, thank goodness. Also, a few incidents mentioned was outside school grounds at parties etc, so worth reading and teaching girls about being situational aware and having friends that supportive. No matter which schools they ended up since girls only was in the list too.
Heard about all girls doing better research but no links, so maybe personal views or experiences?
Taking risk in education or trying new clubs, that goes for all schools. Secondary is a great time to do new clubs, sports and subjects.

Having recently made a very similar decision we went for co-ed on the basis it more accurately reflects real life.

With personal experience of single-sex schooling I’m also aware of the many downsides.

I think that it depends enormously on the individual schools concerned and how they're managed. My niece went to an all girls' grammar and found it very cliquey and bitchy, and she's a bit of an anti-all girls' school missionary now, and tells me that she's talked to lots of young women who had bad experiences at single sex schools. She did do very well academically though. My DD1 went to a different all girls' grammar and absolutely loved it. She had a lovely group of friends and there was a really good atmosphere in the school. Having said that, both my DDs spent most of their education at mixed sex schools and had mainly positive experiences. They both had boys who were friends. There were a few stories of boys looking at porn on phones and joking about rape, but on the whole I think they were lucky with their schools. Many girls are less lucky, and I would have hated my DDs to go to schools where they were sexually harassed or where boys were taken more seriously by teachers and other boys.

I don’t think education has to reflect “real
life”. It’s education . It’s a learning environment. As a parent, you facilitate “real life “. My DDs are now 30 and 27. Both educated in girls’ schools from 11. It gave them space to be themselves. They were not dressing for boys at school or receiving unwanted comments from boys.

in addition, if anyone believes girls are only bitchy in boys’ schools, dream on! The stakes are higher to conform to impress boys. Of course not all girls join in with any of this but no school can claim to be a school free from unpleasant girls! Coed has some unpleasant boys too who are getting their cues from disreputable web sites and influencers.

In my view, look at what DD enjoys. Girls activities. As mine did. They continued to enjoy dance, music and a whole range of school activities quite happily. Yes, they even met boys outside of school. Their friends had brothers. We have neighbours with boys. They were more then prepared to go to university and they had boarded! They didn’t exist in a boy free world. They have embraced adult life perfectly well. As the vast majority do. Boys don’t suddenly become a surprise at 18 because you’ve been to a girls’ school.

Also, which school does dd prefer? We listened to our DDs. What does yours want?

And having gone to an all girls school I disagree with you.

"in addition, if anyone believes girls are only bitchy in boys’ schools, dream on!"

I don't believe anyone has actually stated this on this thread.
You sound triggered?
I'm glad your daughters had such a wonderful time at an all girls school & boarding too, good for you, but you can't be so shortsighted as to think thats the case for everyone?!
No one has stated there won't be bitchy or cliquey girls at mixed sex schools ... we found the boys evened things out & made things more "normal".
Some of the behaviour at the girls school was outrageous & would never have been done if they'd been around the opposite sex.

??? It’s not the case everyone is happy at co Ed either! I went to co Ed but we had no choice in my day. I matched schools to what’s DDs wanted. I didn’t remotely think about my old school. Which was perfectly ok by the way. It had a very successful rugby team. Eye candy every day!

No school is perfect though is it, mixed or single?! Well perhaps on paper they can appear perfect? I'm in a country where single sex schools are the norm & are pushed due to religion.
Mixed sex schools there are significantly less of them.
I didn't grow up in the single sex system either & just let my daughter pick her secondary (she chose where her friends were going), which was a mistake!
She ended up much happier (eventually) at a mixed school.
As I said before & I'll say again, I think the girls who thrived were the ones who'd already went to one of the many all girls primary schools. My daughter coming from a mixed school had no clue what she was in for & was pretty naive so made perfect bait for the Queen bees! 🙈

@TizerorFizz lol at the rugby team 😄

My DDs went to state mixed primary schools. DD1 had already found some boys annoying. And some girls too! We had the money to choose what suited DD. However we had single sex grammars too! So single sex was perfectly ok for all the parents clamouring to get in them. The main thing is, if you can choose, choose wisely. Not on a misguided notion that co Ed is the real life choice but ignore the quality of education and other social factors that are unhealthy.

I think all girls can be great for girls if it is done well and bullying etc is dealt with. Agree with @NancyJoan The best way to prepare your DD for adult life is to show her how to take up space, make her voice heard, take risks by trying new things even if they are outside her comfort zone. All of those are easier for girls to do in a girls only environment in my experience - and the research bears that out.

They can speak freely in class without being overruled by the boys, they can take any subject they like without it being consider a boys subject, they can join clubs covering a wide range of subjects, they can walk down a corridor without having bra straps pinged and upstairs without someone trying to look up their skirt.

My DD went all girls Y7-11. It gave her the confidence to join a co-ed 6th form of a boys school 40 girls in a year of about 180.

DD is an only child at a girls' grammar. Sending her to a single sex school was important to me - all the research suggests that girls fare better and it's not difficult to understand why.

I went to a girls school myself and it didn't cause problems for any of us socially with the opposite sex.

I'm glad your daughters enjoyed the school that much.
This was my only experience with a single sex school & understandably put me off.
Could have been my daughter I guess ... could have also been the school. The school you're describing probably is a lot better. The one my daughter went to was an enormous state run religious school originally run by the nuns, over 1000 girls. Hence why bullying etc seemed to be overlooked.
I moved her to a smaller (mixed) school, we had a bumpy start definitely due to issues in her old school, but eventually all turned out fine ...
I've often wondered if my subsequent daughters would have got on ok in the all girl environment, but I just didn't want to risk them. They've all got on well at the mixed secondary so far.
Secondary school isn't free over here like the UK even state schools we have to pay a certain lump sum, but if I were paying out for an exclusive school like you'd describe I'd expect it to be a lot better.

That was to @TizerorFizz

100%

I went a single sex girls grammar school many moons ago.

My sister was still there when it amalgamated with the local co Ed and became co Ed itself. She was in 6 form when this happened. The thing that she noticed was that the girls who'd always been co Ed always deferred to the boys. If there was a discussion the girls from single sex would take part and hold their own. The co Ed girls just wouldn't and wouldn't take traditionally male subjects.

I have a STEM degree and worked in a predominantly male environment and really hasn't affected me socially and certainly affected me positively.

Not what you're asking but both my sons went to all boys schools and all my eldest son has a wide range of friends which are predominantly female.

Thanks all for the comments, including those that have PM-ed me to talk about their experiences in detail.
DD seems pretty much on the fence in terms of preferences of single sex vs co-ed. I can see the pros and cons and, as many say, it depends very much also on the schools and the "out of school" life and environment.
We are visiting both schools again next week so make a final decision and will definitely look at some of the pointers mentioned here - eg, make up of A levels classes for STEM subjects, range and participation in clubs, school policies (including on LGBQ+). Lots of food for thought.