Children at private and grammar schools criticising comprehensive schools

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My DD attends the local 'good' comprehensive school, which has a great reputation and gets good results, but is a big, diverse and scruffy school. She's now in year 8, and over the past 2-3 years a few of her friends have gone the grammar and private school route.

DD knows there are many reasons why people opt for different schools, and that it's not her place to pass comment on other people's school choices, but she seems to be regularly on the receiving end of critical and nasty comments about the school she goes to e.g 'all the kids take drugs' / 'are badly behaved' / 'the teaching is terrible' (they don't, and it's not!) and even 'my parents wouldn't send me there over their dead bodies'.

DD is happy at school and is doing well academically, but at times these comments have really upset her, and on one occasion she tearfully asked me why we'd chosen to send her to such a bad school. A couple of times these comments were made in front of the parents (on lifts home from outings at the weekends), and they said nothing. 😟

I've explained to DD that her friends are likely just expressing adults' views, and to try not to take it personally, but I find it depressing that DDs friends can't see how upsetting these comments might be for DD. Speaking to some of my other friends, their children at local comps have had similar experiences.

I wonder if this is the beginning of a lifelong 'them and us' attitude for these quite privileged kids. Maybe it happens the other way around too ('why are your parents paying for private school when the local school is so good?') but it feels like even if it does, the connotations are different.

Is this all to be expected, and a case of DD just needing to 'toughen' up to the real world? Perhaps naively, I expected a bit better of 12 and 13-year-olds 🙄

I thought breast vs bottle feeding was the most contentious parenting subject until I had a child in year 4/5 and discovered it’s actually secondary schooling!! I find it stressful and there’s judgement on both sides. Me included. And as with the baby feeding thing, every is trying to do what they think is best given their individual circumstances.

My son’s friend is going to go private. I was upset to hear that at first, as they are great friends, but that is not our choice for a school for various reasons. So that’s that.

I’ve made it clear that going to a private school doesn’t mean he’s academically ‘better than him’. It’s just a different choice.

Horrible for your DD, everyone wants to feel proud of their school. I agree that it sounds like these friendships have run their course. Which is might be unfortunately inevitable when kids go to different schools.

And I know the whole concept of private school is problematic, we made the choice out of desperation because my child was very unhappy.
I work in state and see how it the current underfunded system is failing many, the rising numbers of school refusers backs this up.

Do you live in Kent OP?

If so, I understand where you're coming from.

There’s always been rivalries between schools though. And I have to laugh when kids get very defensive about their school and make out it’s so much better than the other schools - then moan like hell about going to school and say they hate it!! 😂

I think it boils down to this: private school is very, wry expensive. The people who could traditionally afford it now can’t; you have to find at least £40k of discretionary, post tax income to send two kids. Every year. And that’s a lot of money, even for pretty wealthy people. And many people, while clearly relatively well off, are not wealthy. And so private education eats up basically all of their discretionary spending power. And if you’ve got two parents working full pelt to be able to make that money just to pay the fees, then they’ve really got to believe that it’s worth it. That it’s materially better than the state option. And in a lot of cases, it’s simply not all that. (And yes, I have kids in an academic private school before anyone asks.) You get better resources and smaller classes, sure. And a very MC intake (for obvious reasons). But they don’t sprinkle magic fairy dust on your child when s/he walks through the door! And there are some bloody good state schools around too. So I think what’s going on in the case you describe is parents justifying their own choices to themselves as much as anything else. And the kids are parroting that back, which in turn pleases the parents as it serves as more positive feedback.

Touché

Funny how you assume all parents of state educated pupils ‘lack the money’ though.

Yes, she knows that the majority of children attend comprehensive - most of her friends go to the same school as her - it's just the few friends that don't that unfortunately all seem to have the same attitude toward the local school. They're nice kids; albeit, very confident.

Nice kids aren't mean to their friends. These are not nice children. And your daughter should find better friends.

That’s strange. To me, going to a comp was always the norm. Only the kids of rich parents went to private schools, and I don’t even know of any grammar schools near me. Even at 12, I would’ve instantly disliked someone expressing such snobbish views. I would’ve avoided them like the plague, and I would now too.

Going to a good school isn’t an achievement. It’s quite funny they think it is. Your dd could go on to do much better than these kids, and she could feel more pride in doing so off her own back too. Empower your daughter and remind her it’s not her school that will hold her back, she needs to work hard to achieve what she wants regardless of the school. I’ve known kids go to private school and come out with no GCSEs because they expect to do well and not need to work hard.

I would also remind her that her friends’ arrogance, egos and hefty superiority complexes are quite undesirable traits. It reflects badly on them.

I’m sorry your DC has been on the receiving end of nastiness. I think you just have to tell her that anyone who thinks that way is not worth bothering about.

They can’t be very bright, or very kind. And definitely not someone whose opinion she should value.

It’s an excellent lesson that some people are idiots.

I’ve experienced the other side from adults. My DC go to private school and people who barely know me seem to think it is acceptable to tell me I’m daft to not send them to the local excellent state schools.

I also had a local Dad it was akin to child abuse to send my kids to senior school with just under a hour’s commute door to door.

I wonder if this is the beginning of a lifelong 'them and us' attitude for these quite privileged kids.

I doubt it. Those teens will grow up and discover for themselves from living examples among their friends, that the products of any kind of school may shoot to the stars or fall by the wayside They'll find that out at university and at work.

What exactly is a grammar school, is it private or state owned? I keep hearing people go on about grammar schools on MN however I'm in Scotland where I don't think we have grammar schools, there is simply state and private.

My son’s friend is going to go private. I was upset to hear that at first.

Jackiebrambles why were you upset? There’s no reason why they can’t remain friends unless you won’t let him be friends with someone at private school.

Chiist our two big high schools are fantastic. The big private girls school has a terribly problem with anorexia/bulimia and won't address it. The other big private school charges the earth and my friends kids attended for 7 years and my own kids got far better O snd a level results than hers.

Dds describes the boys attending as Rapey!!!

A bloody good comp is far better than grammar or private in my experience

Judge away.

I'm doing it because I want what I think is the best I can do for for my kids. I could have a couple of decent cars and go on holidays polluting the earth, but I don't because my school days were bloody awful and I want my kids to be happy.

If that means you think I'm a twat or in some way beneath you, then that's on you and not me. I don't have a lot of money and I have a shit car, don't drink or gamble or buymyself anything new, as I can't afford anything good, but I have happy kids and a happy partner and that's what I am supposed to do... Look after and raise my family to the best of my abilities. I work and have worked bloody hard to get what little I have including years of working every night and weekend to get the qualifications I now have.

My child goes to a wonderful small private school - placed there by the local authority with fees paid (EHCP). The bullying from local kids is horrendous - the neighbours kids are in the local state school and have the cheek to name call my child "posh" when they are the ones with ponies and £10,000 holidays.
They will have a chip on their shoulder and be horrible people for life.

Judge me for accepting the place in the mainstream private school when the LA told me they'd consulted local state who'd refused to accommodate my child's special needs.

Some ignorants on this thread. Do you realise how much your local authorities are spending on private schools for students with special educational needs? - mainstream and specialist.

Should these SEN kids not be educated when the state rejects them.

Of course it’s not because I ‘won’t let him be friends’ with someone at private school 🙄

I think just because eventually their friendships will probably naturally move on. Who knows but my husband had his best friend go to a different school and they just grew apart/got different friends they had more in common with!

Grammar schools are state schools that select on academic ability via an 11+ exam at the beginning of year 6.

Sorry that was to @Southwestten, not on the app and trying to figure it out!

My DD moved to an independent school for secondary and has many friends at the local comp. She wouldn't say things like that - she's quite sensible. But any poor impressions she's got of the local comp have been directly from her friends, not from her own parents. Children seem to enjoy telling her about the incidents of poor behaviour.

As parents we were always careful not to badmouth our local school. It's where she would be if she hadn't got into one of the independents she sat for and it was always clear that most of her friends would go there. It's an ok school, but obviously you get something different if you fund a school at 3x the government rate and make it selective. All we've ever said is that we think her current school would suit her.

I guess I’d just coach her in my favourite tactic, asking questions to break down their ignorance. They’re speaking in generalisations so when, for instance, the statement is made that ‘all the kids there take drugs’ I would suggest she look immediately surprised and reply along the lines of ‘do they? Where did you hear that? Who takes drugs? I don’t know anyone who takes drugs in my friend group!’ Just very innocently probe for further detail about their stupid sweeping statements.

Bad parenting by the friends parents not to have corrected the comments. One would hope that they addressed it after the event but perhaps not. Perhaps that’s where the ignorance begins.

When I was at university in the 80s I went to a party with a friend from my course and he introduced a guy who shared his halls.

This guy started a conversation about which schools we had all been to. I mentioned the name of my school and he said he hadn't heard of it. It's just a bog standard comprehensive miles away from your home, I said, I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it.

He looked at me in horror and said, you went to a comprehensive? God, you poor thing, how did you manage to get a place here?

He was astonished when I informed him that actually the majority of the people who were at the university had actually been to comprehensives.

Sad to see that such shitty attitudes are still rife among private school pupils.

"I think the reaction she got is down to the specific children she's friends with and their parents. "

This. It occurs both ways tbh but your daughter is only going to hear one type of attitude if most of her friends are in grammar/private schools. Encourage her to mix things up (regarding social peers) as much as possible, plus she'll make friends/acquaintances from her current school. Remind her that kids will say many things they have no idea about, but since they have never stepped foot in such a school should she really believe them?

And funny how you assume parents of Private school kids need to justify their choice

GlassBunion -Do you live in Kent OP? If so, I understand where you're coming from.

Yes!