Do children ever really 'get over' being bullied?

[Shinyredbicycle]

I put 'get over' in quotation marks meaning 'come to terms with and live their life despite of' which was a bit long for a title!

Long story short... I moved dd's school at the beginning of Y10. She had been verbally abused and bullied by another child throughout the summer term of Y9. The school told us nothing about this (lots of the details only came out after dd left the school as she said 'I thought if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't really happening').

Worse than the bullying was the school doing nothing about it. All the staff knew what was happening and all turned a blind eye as, in the words of the deputy head 'they were trying to avoid a permanent exclusion' for the perpetrator. My attempts to have it addressed fell on stony ground, phone calls, meetings etc. After my final meeting, I received an email encouraging me to move my dd to another school. This was utterly heartbreaking for her - she'd been there for three years and not put a foot wrong and they basically managed her out rather than deal with what was going on.

She moved to ds's school (he was in Y8) I think as a ;managed move' as there was a waiting list and suddenly she had a place. Some ups and downs, but she's felt well supported there and trusts that if she has a problem, an adult will deal with it.

She's now applying to sixth forms and is paralysed with anxiety. She is trying to avoid everyone she knew at her old school, everyone they know and everyone they might know. She's basically eliminated every school in London as somewhere that she could apply to. Her current school does have a sixth form; she originally said that she doesn't want to go as there's a formal dress code and due to the demographic of the school, still won't have a social life (children who for religious or cultural reasons aren't allowed out much). If she does go there, it will be from fear rather than a positive choice, so still letting what happened in her old school dictate her current life. She very rarely sees friends out of school, her out of school activities stopped during the pandemic and I can't get her to try anything new.

I've mentioned counselling a few times - she says no which I respect but I'm wondering whether I should try to push it more, or whether bringing it all up will be more harmful as she tries to work towards her GCSEs etc.

It's so distressing to witness as a parent. What should be an exciting step forward is filled with fear and anxiety for her.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions please?

Yes DD got over her bullying eventually. She even speaks to the bully now and again but only in passing they would obviously never be friends. It was extremely tough when it was going on but we taught DD ways to deescalate it herself. In the end her main bully created situations where others started to really dislike her and now I suspect she will move on to a new school as she literally has no friends left. It is so horrible and so difficult to deal with. The school were utterly useless.

Yep definitely. I did, I don’t even really think about it anymore, except sometimes look back and feel a bit sad for them, there was obviously something lacking in their life.

I might cry typing my answer to this so apologies for typos.

Ds was bullied in his last 2 years of primary school. Same sort of situation, school did fuck all, under pressure to keep the bully in school. Things got better in high-school, better pastoral care, and the bully was eventually moves out to a specialist school.

But ds has been left with anxiety issues and tbh so have I. He has anxiety around social situations in particular, always worries about doing the right thing, doesn't want to stand out in the wrong way. I don't think that will ever truly go away.

He's doing great in school, plays in a brass band, has so much going for him. But his insecurities will always be there sadly.

And it's changed me too. I'm anxious for him, whenever he's feeling down about something I immediately worry that someone is picking on him and he's unhappy again.

It doesn't overshadow his life, he's happy much of the time, he's confident in many ways. But the scars will always be there.

Sorry that's not very encouraging.

I'd like to find him some kind of counselling or talking therapy sometime but he's in exam years and happy enough so I don't want to dig up old insecurities, we'll leave them buried for now.

We never talk about the bullying now but I'm conscious of trying to boost his confidence any chance I get, and trying to get him into social situations where he can do well. If that makes sense.

Re counselling - the right kind of therapy (which is likely not counselling) would focus on the present rather than reliving the past. So it would explore how it affects her today, coping strategies, ways of thinking now, her feelings now, building a safe working relationship (just that experience can be very healing I'd you have been harmed by other people) etc.

Counselling is not an approved intervention for traumas because it can make them worse by just reliving and embedding them more instead of healing, but other therapies can be helpful. Her instinct of not wanting to relive what happened is probably actually spot on, but would support with the "now" be something she might be more open to?

It might be worth exploring that possibility with her and seeing if she would be more open to that kind of work/support? If she's not though, she's not. People have to be ready and in the right place for talking therapies to be helpful.

To me, what you're describing is essentially a lingering sense of unsafeness, which is normal after traumas (and bullying is trauma). A certain amount of avoidance can be protective, but too much avoidance can stop recovery. It's finding a balance where someone feels safe enough to sit with the anxiety but anxious enough to stretch out their comfort zone.

Sorry to hear your daughter has had such a tough time.

My daughter was bullied for a couple of years, end of GCSE's and whole of 6th form. She got to the point where she either didn't go to school much or sat many of her lessons in the head of 6th forms office. It was awful for her.

When it came to her next step which was to do a foundation course at college before university she really didn't want to spend that year with some of those who had bullied her from school. So we, at enormous expense, let her enrol at the university to do her foundation before going onto the degree.

She has moved on (it's been four years) and put the bullies behind her. It's been hard and will never be forgotten what she had to deal with. However, she now has many friends, she is so much more appreciative of those relationships, she recognises toxic people and avoids them. She actually says that by going through the bullying has helped her in life.

Thanks to all who have replied and I'm truly sorry for what your children have gone through.

tickticksnooze you're absolutely right about finding a way to feel safe enough to feel a bit unsafe (but knowing that there will be help on hand if you do).

I think it would help her to speak with an adult other than me. She was off school for over three weeks between leaving her old school (refusing to go as issues weren't being addressed, and no they didn't respond to any of my emails or get in touch once to see how she was) and starting her new school and basically lived in my pocket. I get too caught up in her emotions.

Thanks again all.

DD was bullied by a particularly malevolent and spiteful girl in year 10 when she was 14. It was nasty psychological bullying and DD felt very isolated. She more or less stopped eating, was self harming and became borderline anorexic. She became so depressed that she needed to be medicated. It completely destroyed any self esteem that she had or any confidence in making friends.

DD is 22 now and is still on anti anxiety medication. I think this stems from the awful bullying, and it will take her a long time to get over it.

The school was useless. Their take was that DD needed to build more resilience and if they imposed sanctions against the bully it would make things worse.

Wouldn't you have thought that the school stamping down on bullying would help make the victim feel better?

Yes, I did. As in, it was horrible at the time but hasn’t impacted my personality or mood in the long term in any way.

RampantIvy schools not dealing appropriately with bullying seems to be a common theme unfortunately.

My ds was bullied in primary school. The 'welfare' person dealing with it was utterly useless, but it began to get sorted out once I involved the head and the lovely SENco.

The difference between that situation and my dd's was that there wasn't one adult at her school who was prepared to address the bullying. I think that's what actually does the most harm actually - that the adults stand by, watching, minimising and victim-blaming. She wanted to stay at the school and I think it would have been better if she had been able to stay put and get things sorted out there. She had to leave though, as she was in a situation where the adults were outright lying which just isn't safe.

I am 51 and was bullied for my last year of Primary, so 40 years ago.
I am sorry to say I think it still has an impact now

Yep, it's impacted my entire adult life. I was horrendously bullied by multiple people at secondary school. I left primary as a A* happy pupil with loads of friends but left secondary as a loner without a single qualification. I'd hide away at breaks and lunchtimes to try to avoid the bullies then it progressed to truancy to avoid them. It wasn't just name calling, it was an orchestrated campaign including posters on notice boards, vile letters to my home, theft/damage to my property and even physical assault, such as being punched and kicked and fag burns etc. Teachers didn't give a shit and just told me to "stay away from them" - which is hard when the same teachers kept putting me in groups with them and I had to sit on the same tables as they did (close alphabetic surnames!).

I've never been able to be "friends" with anyone as I just assume they're going to be bullies and just pretending to be friendly ready to pounce! I have a kind of paranoia that everyone is talking and making fun about me behind my back. 5 years of it daily at school gives you that kind of mental issue! It took 10 years to trust my OH enough to actually marry him - the first few years I was waiting for the "sucker punch" from him and it was around year 5 that I actually started to trust him!

So, no, I've never "got over" it as it was too severe and the teachers made no attempt to help reduce/stop it, so I felt very alone and isolated which added to the paranoia!

Ds was bullied in primary and secondary... A toxic mix of useless staff and a parent who could see no wrong with their children's actions (more than one child / siblings involved and all their little cohorts) as other posters have identified, was a huge issue

It has affected how ds interacts with people, he is always cautious and doesn't fully interact as a self preservation mechanism.

The adults concerned should all hang their heads in shame but they don't.

I'm still affected by the bullying in experienced at Junior School and I'm now in my mid-50s.

I think this would be different if it had been dealt with in any way, my parents would never have involved the school and I think they just accepted it as normal childhood behaviour.

I think that's what actually does the most harm actually - that the adults stand by, watching, minimising and victim-blaming.

Yes. You are spot on with this. I would love to know why schools are so reluctant to bring the bullies into account.

Bullied at school and home emotionally today I still hate mirrors.

@Shinyredbicycle

I think that's what actually does the most harm actually - that the adults stand by, watching, minimising and victim-blaming.

I fully agree with that. I suffered years of bullying at secondary school. The teachers (who should be "in loco parentis") put it all on me to blame and to solve, i.e. "try to avoid them", "fight back", etc. I lost all respect for "authority" because they didn't make any effort whatsoever to protect me or deal with the bullies. It was ALL down to me to solve.

Please believe that the scars will not always be there or if they are will become merely a scratch. I am assuming this was not that many years ago and he's still in education. He can overcome it. Therapy if needed. For you too. It's worth it.

Some of these replies make me so sad and angry for people. If bullying takes place in the workplace it is deemed unacceptable and the company has a legal obligation to deal with the bully. Schools minimising things and putting the onus on the victim to deal with it is backward. I think until people start getting litigious, things won't change.

If bullying takes place in the workplace it is deemed unacceptable and the company has a legal obligation to deal with the bully.

I wish.

I never have recovered in some ways, being bullied has 100% shaped who I am and made me very critical of my physical appearance.
The upside of this is that I'm notoriously well turned out, which means I'm now very much at peace with myself because I like what I see in the mirror.
I do envy my friends who just roll down to Asda without brushing their hair or putting make up on though!

Being bullied has made moulded me into being a very sensitive, kind person and because of this I'm very loved and have many many friends.

I don't want revenge on the the people who bullied me but I do feel at peace knowing that if they saw who I was know and the life I have and lead they couldn't touch me anymore.

My DD and DIL were both very badly bullied at different times at a girls grammar school with an ‘excellent ‘ reputation. Although they are in their 20s and 30s now, it has made a huge impact on their confidence as adults. They both suffer from anxiety and depression.

Bullying is so damaging in the teenage years, especially when it goes unacknowledged and unchallenged by teachers. They suffered from bullying by exclusion and the inability of ‘bystanders’ to call out the queen bees. Both have had therapy to help them come to terms with their bullying experiences and I read a book called queen bees and wanabees which helped me understand this toxic girl dynamic which sometimes exists.

It has impacted on their wider relationships throughout university and work. I am absolutely gutted that they both had to go through this. I know that the bullies, who are clever and well connected in society, will sail through life without any thought to the damage they have done and their parents will have no idea about how their children behaved.

I tried to support my DD but at that age they worry that a parent interfering will make it worse. Although feeling suicidal and developing an eating disorder… what could be worse ? I bitterly regret not moving her to a different school in Y10.

user577
And it's changed me too. I'm anxious for him, whenever he's feeling down about something I immediately worry that someone is picking on him and he's unhappy again.

This resonates so much to me. I am always on high alert, always waiting to see if she is anxious.

Oh gosh, agree with clopper and user577 Re this.

I was chatting with a friend Re this and said if you haven't been in the position of waiting for a phone call from school, or seeing them after school and trying to ascertain if they 'good' day they have had is 'good' as in same shit and I can't talk to you about it or 'good' as in in it all went well today.

Totally relate to that, except in my dd's case, the school didn't call at all. That's why I didn't realise how bad it was for so long. I knew some things were going on, but with not one call from school, I couldn't gauge how serious it was (very, it turned out).

I did receive a full written apology from the Head saying their 'systems had let dd down' which made me feel a bit sick tbh, as the systems and policy were all fine the problem was that no-one actually used them.

Sorry to hear all these horrible experiences .

I do think once you're bullied it stays with you, unfortunately.

DD was happy at secondary school until a serious bullying incident happened (near the end of Year 10). The school were sort of supportive but it seemed that they were softer on the 'perps' than they really should have been. If it had happened at any other point in her school career but during GCSEs, we would have definitely moved her but it wasn't really an option. It has definitely impacted her confidence and also school attendance. In Year 11, having previously had nigh-on perfect attendance, it went down to 80%. She did remarkably well in her GCSEs all things considered. Moving schools for sixth form has helped boost her confidence and lessened anxiety to some extent but think it will be a bubbling ongoing issue.

Schools seem to talk the talk about bullying in a way that they didn't in the past, but a lot of leniency seems to be shown to the bullies when the harm they do to the bullied has the potential to ruin young people's mental health.