Do children ever really 'get over' being bullied?

[Shinyredbicycle]

I put 'get over' in quotation marks meaning 'come to terms with and live their life despite of' which was a bit long for a title!

Long story short... I moved dd's school at the beginning of Y10. She had been verbally abused and bullied by another child throughout the summer term of Y9. The school told us nothing about this (lots of the details only came out after dd left the school as she said 'I thought if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't really happening').

Worse than the bullying was the school doing nothing about it. All the staff knew what was happening and all turned a blind eye as, in the words of the deputy head 'they were trying to avoid a permanent exclusion' for the perpetrator. My attempts to have it addressed fell on stony ground, phone calls, meetings etc. After my final meeting, I received an email encouraging me to move my dd to another school. This was utterly heartbreaking for her - she'd been there for three years and not put a foot wrong and they basically managed her out rather than deal with what was going on.

She moved to ds's school (he was in Y8) I think as a ;managed move' as there was a waiting list and suddenly she had a place. Some ups and downs, but she's felt well supported there and trusts that if she has a problem, an adult will deal with it.

She's now applying to sixth forms and is paralysed with anxiety. She is trying to avoid everyone she knew at her old school, everyone they know and everyone they might know. She's basically eliminated every school in London as somewhere that she could apply to. Her current school does have a sixth form; she originally said that she doesn't want to go as there's a formal dress code and due to the demographic of the school, still won't have a social life (children who for religious or cultural reasons aren't allowed out much). If she does go there, it will be from fear rather than a positive choice, so still letting what happened in her old school dictate her current life. She very rarely sees friends out of school, her out of school activities stopped during the pandemic and I can't get her to try anything new.

I've mentioned counselling a few times - she says no which I respect but I'm wondering whether I should try to push it more, or whether bringing it all up will be more harmful as she tries to work towards her GCSEs etc.

It's so distressing to witness as a parent. What should be an exciting step forward is filled with fear and anxiety for her.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions please?

I'm sorry to hear about other children's experiences. Schools seem to have these shiny anti-bullying policies that must take ages to write, go through governors etc.

If only they'd follow them.

I was bullied for 2 years at secondary school (1980s) and it has affected me ever since. I too am slightly paranoid and anxious around people. I am afraid of people disliking me or talking behind my back. Effective therapy at the time may have helped.
When choosing schools for my children I always choose the school with the best record/reputation at dealing with bullying. I never wanted my kids to go through the trauma I did as I have had life long self-esteem issues. I never told any teachers but that was because I didn't trust them to help. Everyone knew that telling teachers would only make things worse.
OP, you sound lovely and I'm sure will help support your DD but just be aware that it may affect her for a long time. I wish her all the best 🎉

Thank you Budapestdreams and I'm sorry that you were bullied and that it still affects you. My dd has always been shy and lacking in social confidence and the bullying - or more specifically the neglect my the adults - has definitely accentuated that.

I complained to Ofsted about the school, not about the bullying, but the way the school dealt with it ie ignoring it and managing my dd out. They did an inspection after she left, and it was found that the pastoral care was excellent and that bullying was promptly dealt with.

I don't know how the school managed to cover up 3 weeks of authorised absence throughout which they didn't contact the family once, complaints to governors which were ignored, my letters to the safeguarding lead being ignored, but they did.

I did. I’m 33 now and all I feel is sympathy for the child who felt they had to torment me to have status. Bullies are sad, sad people. That was one of the best lessons my parents taught me on the topic.

Oops, I meant to send 💐for your DD and you.
I can't believe the school acted so badly and managed to fool Ofsted. I'm so sorry your DD had to go through all of this. I too was quite shy even before the bullying. Even though it has affected me all my life, it hasn't ruined my life. I gradually built up my confidence again and made some wonderful friends at 6th form. Sadly my bully died in her teens and I do feel genuine sadness for her. I know a bit about her life and she was suffering too. Secondary school can be brutal, but hopefully things will get better from now on.

I was low level bullied as a kid at school
and to be honest, even now at 52, I wouldn’t cross the road to spit on the bullies if they were on fire.