Feel like I've made a huge mistake and filled with regret

[miffy1990]

Me and my daughter have been looking at secondary schools for starting next September in a big city around 3 hours away from the small town we live in now. It’s a big move and is quite scary for both of us. I’ve been living in a town I have hated for the past 10 years due to having to live where my daughter’s dad does. It was an abusive relationship in which I felt I wasn’t allowed my own identity, so it feels like the first decision I’ve made which supports me as a person. It has, however, been a completely anxiety-inducing process. I’ve bought a flat in the city that is being renovated currently but we can’t move into it until my daughter has finished school down here in another year. We have family and friends in the city and my daughter will still see her dad regularly.

As the city is quite a journey to get to and costs a lot each time we go there, I’ve had to rely heavily on web research and reviews to find out about schools. As the city is so big some of these schools are super hard to get into - they’re all state schools. Compared to the schools in the town we live in now, they offer so much more.

There is a school we originally earmarked which we liked the look of, it is a creative school and has an intake of 30 places for kids with artistic aptitude - which my daughter has, she’s an amazing artist. She would have needed to take an art test to show this. However after researching it, it had really bad reviews, saying the students are really unhappy and the head teacher is in short some kind of power-mad psycho.

I had to book her on to a general entrance exam which covered all schools in the borough which fell on one weekend last month. I then had to book two separate weeks of open days/nights to see 7 different schools. It’s a lot of travel and a lot of cost, me missing work and her school and seeing her dad, also finding care for my cat and a place to stay in the city for us.

This same period of time I needed to go up there again for my own final exam for the course I’d been on, we'd just come back from being abroad with her side of the family which was very emotionally charged, I was in the process of completing on the flat in the city, and had to move to a different flat down here in the town were in now, it was a super hectic time and I had very little support. People on her side of the family were worried about my daughter as she’d never done an exam before, and were saying it’s a lot for her (she’s been at an alternative/holistic school so far which doesn’t have exams). This was also a bit of a concern of mine, but I had prepped her and she actually did so well. She seemed to get a real boost of confidence too. Her side of the family have been very very against me moving away with her and it’s been incredibly difficult to work through.

The art exam was scheduled a couple of weeks before the open day during the period of time above. I ended up not registering her for it and thought we wouldn’t even go to see the school on the open day. The awful reviews coupled with the travel/money/busyness of the time period and stress it may put on her of another exam made me not register for it. I also misunderstood and thought if she got in on the aptitude test, she would have to go there and all other school applications would be void, I thought this was a big risk as we hadn’t even seen it yet.

A few weeks later, we’re in the city, and only end up going to this school's open day as its scheduled on the same day as another school we’re seeing nearby. We love it, I love it so much I nearly cry, it’s her favourite by a clear mile. Now I feel absolutely awful, like I’ve potentially ruined her life path. There’s an extremely slim chance she’d still get in based on distance from the school, but its massively hard to get into and we’re just on the very furthest edge of the catchment. I have just been swimming in regret and feel like I’ve made a huge mistake which has impacted the person I care about the most’s future. I don’t know what to do and just thinking about it all day. I’ve emailed them twice and left an answerphone message asking if theres anything I can do, but its been two weeks and they haven’t responded. I can’t really begin to describe the level of pure self hatred I feel right now, I just wake up with surging anxiety about it.

Just wanted to offer a hand hold, having been through the nightmare of secondary school open days, selection process and exams last year. It’s such a tough and stressful time, and it’s true, you constantly analyse whether you’ve done the right thing in school selection. Trust me, I went round and round in circles with sleepless nights and huge anxiety too.
my DD ended up going to a school that we hadn’t even seen in person, or met any of the staff (they didn’t do open days because of their strict Covid rules), but one which is highly sought after, and one we 100% didn’t think she’d get into.
Despite this, we put it as first choice on the form, and miraculously, she got in.
(I have to add, it wasn’t DD’s first choice or mine - she wanted to go to an independent school which she LOVED - same feeling you had when seeing the art school - but the state school we did put first has an independent school vibe and is very unique, so I ended up being swayed by my exH having this as his first choice)
DD was devastated at getting the state school that we hadn’t even visited, and I felt absolutely terrible about it, just like you feel now. Lots of tears for both of us, BUT a year down the line, she loves the school.

if you’re really, really desperate to try for this particular art school, I’d keep on trying and call them again to ask if there’s any way your daughter could submit the art test, then put it as your first choice. As per above, miracles do sometimes happen in getting first choice school.
But, be realistic also - if she’s on the edge of catchment and they don’t allow her to do the art test, unfortunately you may have to accept that it’s unlikely to happen…

Things can still turn out ok, even if she ends up at your second choice…
Wishing you and your DD the best of luck in whatever happens…

Do call the school or even try and speak to the Head of Art, they may be understanding. Also remember that even if she doesn't get in now, she could well get a place later on (if she still wants to go). Remember to check the waiting list requirements, some schools close the list each July and if you don't contact them to say you want to remain on it your name will drop off the list.

Um, I think there is a big hole in your plan.
You need to apply from your current address, where you are now, not an uninhabitable flat.
So unless the schools are purely order of exam marks and no distance criteria, will you qualify for any anyway?
(Unless she is adopted.)

As Teen observes, you can't use the new address for your application this October I'm afraid. You have to use your daughters permanent address as of October 31, not a planned address for next year, even if you own the property. In order to use the address, you would need to move in - most LAs will take a late address but usually only until about mid Jan, so you would need to move by then.

If places at the schools you want are merely allocated on score, or aptitude, this matters less, but I don't know of anywhere in the U.K. where all the schools just allocate on score, and you would of course be dependent on your daughters score being high enough to get a place. Even in full grammar counties, many schools have some distance criteria and of course many schools have no exam anyway even in grammar counties.

In terms of the aptitude test, try the school again - they may have an opportunity for a late test. For example. Knole academy in kent have an arts aptitude test and will allow a late request under exceptional circumstances.

Oh gosh, @PatriciaHolm and @TeenDivided are correct. The applications need to state your current address of where you’re actually living right now, as many LA’s also require proof of your child’s address, and some ask for address of the GP/dentist they’re registered at in the local area.

Can you post the name of the school? Some people may be able to give more specific advice.

Thank you everyone for your responses - I really appreciate the support. It's nice to just be able to share the anxiety with other mums and realise how most of us feel anxious when making such big decisions.

The school is Chestnut Grove in Balham, our address is 1.8 miles away in Battersea using straight line distance.

So what happens when a new family moves up after finishing primary school? Do they get a place anywhere, is there a long wait, do they still get a choice of 1-6 preferences or is it wherever has space? It seems all the schools near to us are oversubscribed. I thought as I own the property it would be counted as our address... gah!

So I guess theres another risky choice to make - the option of taking her out of the primary she's at half a year early, which she absolutely loves - and moving up before the deadline to try and get a place in a good school in London?

Are there any alternative options?

We saw the following schools listed in preference order:

Chestnut Grove
Fulham Girls
Fulham Cross
Chelsea Academy
Hurlingham Academy
Burntwood
St John Bosco - which was a definite no

Thanks so much all...

If you move after the on time application date you would do a late application, lust your preferences but only be considered fir those or any others with spaces after the on tine allocations are made in
March. There may be a short window after the deadline to change address and still be considered "on time". You can apply for these schools from your current address via your LA but distance may well be too far to get a place at any of your preferred schools. When do you intend to actually move?

The deadline for applications is 31st October.

For people moving into the area there may be a later date you can use and count as an on-time application but it won't be as late as February. No doubt an expert/local can point you at the info with the rules on this.

If you apply / move after the new address deadline you will be treated as a late application and your application will be processed after all on time applications. You can express preferences but will be allocated somewhere with a space but you can then go on waiting lists in your 'true' place on admission criteria so you could get a place at a better school before the September start.

Sorry, it's a real balancing act.
Moving before 31 Oct is preferable.
Then moving by the address move date (eg Oxford's is something like 15 Nov)
Then moving before allocations are done
Then moving before September.
The earlier you move the more likely to end up with a school you like.

So I guess theres another risky choice to make - the option of taking her out of the primary she's at half a year early, which she absolutely loves - and moving up before the deadline to try and get a place in a good school in London?

As per PPs, ideally you'll need to move now.
Moving to a local primary so she gets to know local children before moving to secondary may not be such a bad thing.

if you move after the date for consideration in the first round, you will get what is left after other places have been allocated so you are unlikely to get a popular school. Actually, do you have a realistic chance (based on last year's admission's data) of getting into that many schools? I realise London is densely populated, but that's more options than most people have.

I suspect you know this now, but be very careful about using "research" based on use of Google and social media. If you were to Google my child's school you would find out that they regularly had knife bearing nutters breaking in and attacking the children, and that the children get locked in classrooms. This has literally never happened.

Yep is there any way at all you can move by the end of next week OP? Have you sold your current house - or do you rent?

Either way, if you can move into the London flat (it's not clear whether this is practical from PoV of your jib?) then that will be enough, even if a sale is yet to go through on where you live now. I assume if your London place is being done up, you are the owner?

You need to live at that address to have a chance of getting a place at any popular London school.

I would put the favoured art school top of your list (nothing to lose) and then chase them up after half term wrt your DD sitting the art exam.

You ask what happens when people move - well they usually have to take whatever place is available, which is why moving in secondary years i particular is such a challenge. But sometimes needs must.

sorry moving from PoV of your job obvs

So what happens when a new family moves up after finishing primary school? Do they get a place anywhere, is there a long wait, do they still get a choice of 1-6 preferences or is it wherever has space? It seems all the schools near to us are oversubscribed. I thought as I own the property it would be counted as our address... gah!

If you move after she finishes primary, then you will be allocated a space at whatever school has spaces at that point. Last year, Fulham Cross and Fulham Girls seem to have offered to all that applied who didn't get a higher preference, so they would be a possibility, but its difficult to tell.

What you can do is apply for a school in the area using your current address. If they are not oversubscribed, you would be allocated a space even though you live a distance away. However, that is very unlikely to apply to Chestnut Grove as that is oversubscribed.

Thanks for all your help...
Gah - I'm going to ring the council and the school this afternoon. It's weird because I asked the first three schools we looked at if we could apply even though we hadn't moved yet and they said yes - I'm going to ring them all up again to further clarify everything.
Has anyone on here ever been in this situation before?
Surely lots of families must move between Year 7 and Year 11? And they can't all end up at the worst schools in their area? or can they?
Truly do not know what to do -
On one hand - the education there is so much better, there's only two free schools in my area and both are terrible, my daughter didn't like the one we saw - she went very quiet and freaked out when we looked around, and my friend works at the other as a counsellor and says it's even worse. There are private schools but I can't afford them. The schools in London were really good in comparison and my daughter was laughing and joking with the kids there.
But she loves her current school and the current house we live in - and doesn't feel ready to move away from her dad yet.
Ahhhhh!

Also - I own the flat in London. Renting here in Devon. I work remotely so my job isn't an issue.

Gah - I'm going to ring the council and the school this afternoon. It's weird because I asked the first three schools we looked at if we could apply even though we hadn't moved yet and they said yes - I'm going to ring them all up again to further clarify everything.

Well, you can apply, it's perfectly legal, it's just that your chances of a place are much lower! As I said above, Fulham Cross and Fulham Girls, at least, seem to have offered to all that didn't get a higher preference last year, so the chances of getting in to them from a distance isn't bad I don't think.

If you move after the main allocations, you will get a place somewhere. And then of course you can go on waiting lists; London schools tend to have a fair amount of movement, and lists are done in order of admissions criteria, not time on list. So when you move, you would slot in at the relevant place on each list. You could also appeal of course.

I mean, yes you can apply of course. I could apply for my yr 6 child to go to school in Newcastle even tho I live in the Midlands. And if a school had a space then I would be offered it. There are usually schools which have spaces as a rule.

Trouble is they are the less popular ones. I could tell you now where you would be able to get a space at secondary in the city I live in.

People who move in secondary years often have to accept a school they do not want or would not choose. They can then go on a WL or appeal. Or actually it may turn out ok. But this is why people are more likely to stay where they are for secondary years (not saying this about you OP, it;s clear why you want to move).

Wrt your DD, she will have to move presumably by the end of July - so now is only 9 months sooner. Do you work? Are you able to move at v short notice?

You can apply for any state school anywhere but no guarantee of a place. Admissions are presumably through LA so their rules on address will apply. In London there is turnover so adhoc places come up via waiting lists and In Year after the main year 7 entry.

You can apply to any school but your address should be where you currently live.
So if a school is undersubscribed you can be offered it even if you live 300 miles away.

You apply via the LA where you currently reside even if you list schools elsewhere.

It might all be too fast but from a secondary school point of view ideally you move in this half term, take the hit to primary education and apply from your new location.

You can apply anywhere you like, the schools are correct. Whether you would get a place is another matter.

This is why there is always a scramble to move before deadlines. We know 3 families who finally completed in the last week so they can get into a particular school. We did it around primary time and were basically told if we missed the deadline then moved we could literally be put in any school in the borough. You can apply for any school in the country theoretically 😂 but then the usual criteria apply from the address you state many people around here are just moving within the borough then drive a distance for the last 6 months of primary but from Devon that clearly wouldn't work 😒 when we did it around time of primary we could submit paperwork- council tax records etc a bit later but then even had follow up a month or so later where we had to give more proof - it was and is very stressful

Gosh - thanks for all the input - what started out as one issue has very quickly escalated into another! So glad I wrote on this forum, can be very daunting managing everything alone.

I am able to move by the end of the year personally - my contract on the place I'm in now ends in December. I also work from home so nothing changes there.

I'm going to have to have more of an in-depth talk with my daughter's dad and her grandma this week. If it was just me - I would probably choose taking her out now so that she gets a place at the next school - I think she'd have much better prospects and opportunities up there, and she really came alive when looking around them. I did bring this up as a possibility before, as I was unsure myself whether she would get a place if not living currently in our new flat. Unfortunately when I spoke about this to both her dad and his mum they said I was being selfish and jeopardising her final year of primary education, the mum shouted at me repeatedly and said I was setting my daughter up for failure and that I was only thinking of myself. The dad said I was being cruel for thinking of taking her out of a school she loves now. It's a fee paying school, which he has never contributed to or paid child support. They both don't want us to move away so I know the motivation behind these comments, and know they're out of fear of losing her (I would never, ever stop either from seeing her and have said I will ensure she has regular contact) but it does make me question myself - and definitely makes the process a lot harder.

As it is fee paying even if you gave notice now you yould probably still be liable for the spring term fees.

Look on here all the address stuff is around pages 10 and 12. It seems like proof of residence documentation date is early December to get included in the normal admissions round.

https://www.wandsworth.gov.uk/media/9381/chooseaawandsworthsecondaryyschool.pdf

The big question is are you paying council tax in the property in London if so you are probably ok

Your trying to sort out a secondary school in London for your daughter. From what you have found out you may have to move to London sooner than expected in order to get your daughter a place in a secondary school. You been paying the fees for your daughter's current school. Meanwhile your ex husband has paid nothing towards this.
Your ex and his mother are complaining that your ruining the last year of your daughter time in primary school if you move to London before the end of the school year.
Have they any idea of the time, effort and money you put into date trying to get a school place sorted out for your daughter?
My feeling is that you had enough of them not helping you out. You know that the secondary schools near you are poor. You and your daughter will have better opportunities in London.
Your ex and his mother are not happy with your decision to move to London because they can no longer bully you. Nor will they see your child as much unless they are willing to put their hand in their pockets to pay for the travel to London.

I know people like him and her. They could have lived in the same place for years and had the same job for years also. Also the local secondary school that they went to is fine but in reality is has big classes, poor exam results, poor subject choices or any number of things that make you realise that it's a poor school.

The reality is that your trying to give your daughter a better life. You know moving to London will give her this and from what you said she is looking forward to the move. If you have to move soon with her in order to get her a place in a decent school you need to do this.
Her secondary education is to important for you to stay put where you are just to suit your ex and his mother. No matter what you do they won't be happy unless you stay living in their area and from what you told us you want to move. I would not be surprised if one of the reasons you want to move is due to them and their behaviour.