Feel like I've made a huge mistake and filled with regret

[miffy1990]

Me and my daughter have been looking at secondary schools for starting next September in a big city around 3 hours away from the small town we live in now. It’s a big move and is quite scary for both of us. I’ve been living in a town I have hated for the past 10 years due to having to live where my daughter’s dad does. It was an abusive relationship in which I felt I wasn’t allowed my own identity, so it feels like the first decision I’ve made which supports me as a person. It has, however, been a completely anxiety-inducing process. I’ve bought a flat in the city that is being renovated currently but we can’t move into it until my daughter has finished school down here in another year. We have family and friends in the city and my daughter will still see her dad regularly.

As the city is quite a journey to get to and costs a lot each time we go there, I’ve had to rely heavily on web research and reviews to find out about schools. As the city is so big some of these schools are super hard to get into - they’re all state schools. Compared to the schools in the town we live in now, they offer so much more.

There is a school we originally earmarked which we liked the look of, it is a creative school and has an intake of 30 places for kids with artistic aptitude - which my daughter has, she’s an amazing artist. She would have needed to take an art test to show this. However after researching it, it had really bad reviews, saying the students are really unhappy and the head teacher is in short some kind of power-mad psycho.

I had to book her on to a general entrance exam which covered all schools in the borough which fell on one weekend last month. I then had to book two separate weeks of open days/nights to see 7 different schools. It’s a lot of travel and a lot of cost, me missing work and her school and seeing her dad, also finding care for my cat and a place to stay in the city for us.

This same period of time I needed to go up there again for my own final exam for the course I’d been on, we'd just come back from being abroad with her side of the family which was very emotionally charged, I was in the process of completing on the flat in the city, and had to move to a different flat down here in the town were in now, it was a super hectic time and I had very little support. People on her side of the family were worried about my daughter as she’d never done an exam before, and were saying it’s a lot for her (she’s been at an alternative/holistic school so far which doesn’t have exams). This was also a bit of a concern of mine, but I had prepped her and she actually did so well. She seemed to get a real boost of confidence too. Her side of the family have been very very against me moving away with her and it’s been incredibly difficult to work through.

The art exam was scheduled a couple of weeks before the open day during the period of time above. I ended up not registering her for it and thought we wouldn’t even go to see the school on the open day. The awful reviews coupled with the travel/money/busyness of the time period and stress it may put on her of another exam made me not register for it. I also misunderstood and thought if she got in on the aptitude test, she would have to go there and all other school applications would be void, I thought this was a big risk as we hadn’t even seen it yet.

A few weeks later, we’re in the city, and only end up going to this school's open day as its scheduled on the same day as another school we’re seeing nearby. We love it, I love it so much I nearly cry, it’s her favourite by a clear mile. Now I feel absolutely awful, like I’ve potentially ruined her life path. There’s an extremely slim chance she’d still get in based on distance from the school, but its massively hard to get into and we’re just on the very furthest edge of the catchment. I have just been swimming in regret and feel like I’ve made a huge mistake which has impacted the person I care about the most’s future. I don’t know what to do and just thinking about it all day. I’ve emailed them twice and left an answerphone message asking if theres anything I can do, but its been two weeks and they haven’t responded. I can’t really begin to describe the level of pure self hatred I feel right now, I just wake up with surging anxiety about it.

A few comments on admissions.
Paying council tax on your new house is not enough, you need to be resident.
Moving after the closing date varies so much from place to place that you need to check with them as to whether they will accept.

Schools themselves are notoriously bad at explain and understanding the strict LEA entrance criteria. You still hear school telling parents that they will get a place if they put them first.

The people to ask are the admission department at the Local Authroity.

Then there is the added confusion that as you have not move yet, which authority do you apply to? Your current address, or your new address? Normally you apply to the LA of the address where you are actually living, regardless of where the school is.

It will be sad for her to miss the last few months of her year 6 with current friends. It is quite a rite of passage to leave primary and she will miss it.
It is your dd who needs to be resident so you would need her to move with you, but you could arrange for her to visit attend her old school for a few days in June/July to say goodbye.

If she is now at a non exam prep, you need also to understand that if she moves into a state primary in London, then she will be thrown into the middle of SATS exams.

Some of the London Boroughs have a second date very early in December, provided you move before that date your application will be considered on time and with the new address. You can make the application from your current Local authority website but naming the London schools you want. Then when you move inform Balham and your education authority. The proof isn't required straight away, provided you have genuinely moved it shouldn't be a problem, her attending a London Primary will back this up. Good luck with it all it is amazing what you are doing.

OK - thanks everyone - you guys have been great, god it's just so nice to just have people to talk to about this - its a lot to work out, and thanks for the good luck.

I think I would home-school her rather than send her to a London primary - I work from home so it would be feasible and I've done it before when she was younger, I qualified as an early years teacher and also a child counsellor so do have some understanding of teaching and child development, and it would only be for a short period of time so it would be manageable.

I agree it is a rite of passage leaving Year 6 and I feel so incredibly bad that she could miss that - I think it's a great suggestion above about taking her back there at the end of the summer when everyone else leaves. They do a big Year 6 leaver's ceremony so I could ask if she could join in with that.

She is both excited and scared, nerve-cited she called it - she's scared that she will really miss her dad, which I completely understand. I feel really sorry for her. It's such a hard thing - we either stay in a town with no prospects, and she goes to a rubbish school, where I feel I have no fulfilment and that I'm just on a slightly longer leash with her dad in - but she gets to stay with her dad and her friends who she loves - or we move, to better prospects, where I'm happier and we do have family and friends - but she doesn't have one of her most important core people around her, her dad. It's so hard, and I definitely feel guilty and sad for her that she's having to go through this split of her life.

I work in South London in school admissions - the dates and rules are basically the same across London.

You should apply on-time where you are now, naming the schools in London that you with to apply for - in the order you want them.

If you move before 9 December you will be able to update the address in the on-time application. If not the process is closed and you cannot make changes until later offers are made on 1 March.

After 1 March the address can be updated and your waiting list positions amended to reflect the new address.

Last year as a PP had mentioned some of the schools you re interested in offered to all applicants and so you would be offered a place, even from an address in another town.

You will remain on the waiting list for higher preferences until 31 December and you may be offered a place in one of those schools before September - there is a lot of movement in London as so many schools and so many people.

Don't panic - all will be OK

With regards to Chestnut Grove unfortunately the results for the specialist places have already gone out. Even if you did submit some Art I don't think they would be able to offer you a place as they would have already told the parents of thr kids who made it.

Hi there @schooladmission - thanks so much for your input... really appreciated and nice to feel not all might be lost! Could I ask a few questions please?

1. So I will apply from the address in Devon for the London schools now?
2. We could move to London any time between March and July and our waiting list places will be updated to reflect our new address in London?
3. Which schools on my list offered to all applicants?

I was thinking surely so many children do move to London in Year 8/9/10/11 and they must get some kind of preference. I guess if we were really set on a specific school we could even move closer to it if we found a flat there.
Thanks so much!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news , but as sazzle has said , the art spaces will not be a viable option now as the results have gone out , so you would be applying for a regular distance space . If your new home is 1.8 km. away, that’s not overly near - don’t want to be negative, but no point you rushing a move when the chance of a space in September is not guaranteed.

I think we've decided to move just before the December deadline, so she will have another half term at school and change the address on the application then.

If she can't get into Chestnut Grove then we would be very happy with Fulham Girls or Fulham Cross - which I hope she has a chance of? Then we could still go on a waiting list for Chestnut anyway.

Does anyone know more about those two and how easy they are to get into?

If 1.8km is too far - what is a good distance? I looked on all the catchment area lists of the schools I listed above and we're in all of them?

Wandsworth? Have you studied this document?
www.wandsworth.gov.uk/media/5810/previous_years_admissions_for_wandsworth_secondary_schools.pdf

And this for Hammersmith & Fulham
www.lbhf.gov.uk/sites/default/files/section_attachments/sec_offer_outcomes_2021.pdf

Something else to bear in mind is regardless of which school you end up with, once you are in London you will have a wide choice of after school and holiday art clubs and courses, check out the websites of galleries and universities like UAL, there's a lot on for teenagers

Hi - I have been out all day and I can never post when using the app for some reason.

I have seen your updates - even if you are planning to move before the change of circumstances closing date in December, please still get an on-time application in to your current home LA - just in case there is a delay and you don't quite get moved in time, at least you have an on-time application in and you will be considered from your Devon address.

A PP has posted links to the brough school lists that indicate the schools who offered to all applicants - Fulham Cross and Burntwood both offered to all applicants and so you are likely to get an offer from either of them based on the Devon address. With that being the case, are you sure you want to rush up to London and have DD try to find a primary school for two terms? You will get something, and you can wait for something better with less disruption for DD

Waiting lists are held in order of the admissions criteria so as soon as you have moved your waiting list position will change to reflect the new address. I am not sure what Wandsworth do about late applicants who have missed the Wandsworth test - but some of the bands for Chestnut Grove offer further than others so it may be worth a chat with the school about that, even though you have missed the art places.

Hi! Just quickly why did you put down St John Bosco NO??? I have 2kids moving there intern abx I’m going through the same anxiety as you because of this move.

Chestnut Grove is pretty rough.
Battersea is a great place to live as a young professional but it is a bit rubbish for secondary schools.
I would rent out the flat you have bought and rent a flat right next to Graveney school. Then you could move in the summer holidays and move to the top of the waiting list. There is always some movement over the summer as children take up private school places.

I’m coming late to this discussion and there’s been lots of good advice already.

The one thing I’d advise against is renting out your London flat and renting another near Graveney. Many London boroughs are very alert to rentals of convenience and wouldn’t accept a rental address if they knew you owned another property nearby; many would ask for evidence that the previous property had been sold.

As others have said, applying from your Devon address would leave you a long way down the waiting lists but you would move up as soon as you were living at your London address.

@PanelChair Yes, I completely forgot that they won't take in your rental address if you own a property.

Hi I was wondering do you have any advice on the St John Bosco college secondary school??

Southymommy best if you start your own thread and put the name of the school in the title- that way people who know that school will reply.

Very old thread but OP what school did your daughter get? Are you both happy? We are thinking of moving to the area for Chestnut Grove..

@AnaMRT it's best if you tag the OP @miffy1990 so she gets an alert

That’s a good idea thanks! I’m so curious about she got on. Really felt for her and the guilt would’ve crushed me! I hope they are doing well.

@miffy1990 how are you both doing? Did you make the big move and how is the school situation? I hope everything worked out for you.

We are having to decide if it’s worth moving for Chestnut Grove. Where we are the closest school is Kingsdale but it’s a lottery place school so there’s no guarantees.