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Secondary education

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Original poster

High School choices - Who decides - you or your child?

42 replies

Fairystepsthought · 19/10/2022 21:42

Does a happy child with good friends outweigh parental views on the head and ethos of a school? 🤔 thanks for constructive comments

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 19/10/2022 21:43

id rather my child felt happy and confident going to school than be forced to go to a specific school against their wishes.

sheepdogdelight · 19/10/2022 21:43

If friends is the only reason they want the school, then parent. They can see the friends out of school, may not see them in school anyway and may not be friends with them in a year's time.

If child has valid points/concerns then they would at least be taken into account.

catsonahottinroof · 19/10/2022 21:54

If my child had a strong opinion, then I would let them choose. Dd1 chose, with input from us about what was available. Dd2 found it harder, she only looked at two schools and couldn't decide. I could tell she was getting anxious about the level of responsibility, so made the decision for her to go the catchment school where most of her friends were going. She was very relieved when we took the decision out of her hands.
There are no certainties with how your child will get on with any given school.

WhiteFire · 19/10/2022 23:13

To a certain degree no (as in the parent has more weight) With my eldest we were still at our old house, the primary school catchment covered two senior school catchments plus a third umbrella school, our catchment school, whilst not absolutely dreadful is one that I had no intention of her going to. The ethos was not right for me. She went to a school out of catchment and absolutely thrived there. I am so pleased at the decision I made.

In a way we had a slight advantage (if that is the right word) of knowing her friendship group would be split whatever happened, she was the only one of her friends to go to that school.

With ds and now the youngest we have moved next to the school, the youngest only looked at that one with no intention of going anywhere else. Thank goodness we will be pretty much at the top of the pecking order (school is in eyesight of house and brother still there)

ErrolTheDragon · 19/10/2022 23:37

Joint effort, so long as you've got a sensible child.

TizerorFizz · 20/10/2022 08:39

@Fairystepsthought
We very much consulted DDs as they were boarding. School was home no 2. We shortlisted. They had their views listen to. DD1 did choose (not necessarily where I wanted!) but she was totally happy. Loved it and achieved well. They didn’t go with friends. New beginnings. Many Dc move into different friendship groups anyway as horizons expand. So I firmly believe in consulting but going with friends isn’t vital. Where I live, it’s actuality stopped some Dc going to grammar schools. They stay with “kids like me” at the secondary modern. I wouldn’t agree to that.

Original poster
Fairystepsthought · 20/10/2022 08:42

I think that’s part of the problem in that there is an immaturity and because of a ‘rival’ situation between the two possible schools - it almost makes it worse 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 20/10/2022 08:54

Parent. With input from child.

Friendships is not a good enough reason unless there are special circumstances. Friendships often change in secondary otherwise. You can keep friends who go to other schools if you put effort in.

If the child has good reasons e.g. computing facilities much better, or they really like the 'quiet corridors' rule then these should be taken into account. But a parent is better positioned to see the bigger picture of ethos, support, results, opportunities than a 10 year old.

Plus, other kids saying where they are going may not be true. DD1 came home saying 'Everyone is going to X'. I thought to myself, well that's unlikely given I know where siblings have gone, where people live etc. In the end 4 went to X and the other 13 went to Y.

FlamingoSocks · 20/10/2022 08:57

Parents choice ultimately, and they are responsible and accountable for that choice - even if you say you’re letting your child choose, you’re still accountable for that. Child’s views heard and acknowledged.
We looked around all the schools, could see pros and cons for all so let DS put them in his preferred order. Had there been one that was obviously better or worse then we would have had the final say on where in the CAF that was.

TizerorFizz · 20/10/2022 09:06

@Fairystepsthought
In that case, the adults, the parents, decide making sure everything is considered. Best school for DC trumps chatter in class.

twistyizzy · 20/10/2022 09:14

Parent choice for secondary with some input from child and discussions around their viewpoint. For 6th form + then has to be child's choice. At 10/11 yrs old they aren't mature enough to make sure informed decision and many will just want to go to whichever school their friends are going to.

ErrolTheDragon · 20/10/2022 10:31

If a child is swayed by the idea of going to school with friends, point out they're quite unlikely to be put in the same class. When I was a kid, we all went to the same secondary anyway and that was still the case.

Desert76 · 20/10/2022 13:01

I told dc1 I was happy for them to make the final decision between school A (closest) and school B (where majority of friends were going). We had looked round both and they both were good schools with lots of different good points.

DH and I had a slight preference for school A, which DC knew.

DC decided on school A, then had a wobble on the deadline for application day, and wanted to change to B. I put my foot down then, said decision was already made, and DC now very happy at school A.

Rubyuesaini · 20/10/2022 13:20

You can selectively big up the positives about the school which you feel would be the best choice for your child. Yes child input is welcome but they don't get to decide. My friend's DD was adamant she didn't want to go to the grammar school that several children every year from their primary went to. My friend predicted in 2 years she would see the bigger picture and she did but by then it was too late. Friendships had persuaded her that the local secondary which the primary fed into was the best. She had to work harder there to achieve her incredible results, it would have been easier in a school for high achievers which is what her parents could see.

My own children went to a completely different school than all of their friends. We had prepared them for it for a couple of years so it didn't come as a surprise. We had moved to get into the catchment of an oversubscribed outstanding secondary. Very difficult to be the in playground basically saying yes the school you are all sending your children too isn't the one we are choosing. And there is a rivalry between the two schools. Pastoral and discipline won out for us and it made a huge difference to their experience of the school in terms of how bullying was dealt with and the children felt listened to and believed.

As parents you can see the bigger picture. Setting of subjects, options choices by the end of year 8 can mean you are never in a class with your friends. Lots of them make new friends anyway.

TeenDivided · 20/10/2022 13:46

My mantra was always 'different schools suit different children' i.e. my choice for my child is not any way to be perceived that I disagree with / look negatively on your choice for your child.

TizerorFizz · 20/10/2022 19:03

@twistyizzy
Actually my DD1 didn’t. She was at a state primary but saw the bigger picture. She wasn’t hugely attached to “friends” and was more than happy to have a new start and not go to the grammar with them.

Feetache · 21/10/2022 23:22

We had two decent options on door step. Lots of friends going to A. Would have only known handful at smaller CofE school B. We just went with A

BookwormButNoTime · 22/10/2022 08:01

i went to see all the schools by myself in Y4 and only took DC to see the ones we were happy with in Y5 so they didn’t fall in love with a school that wasn’t going to happen.

When it came to the crunch, we got it down to two schools and made lists of the positives and negatives with her BUT we were able to engineer it towards the one we preferred. Even silly things like better refreshments on the open day, the nicer IT suite, the fact they do GCSE dance etc. Our preferred school had far many positives than the other one, DC could see it in black and white, and they felt they had played an active part and it was “their” decision.

Of course children should have a say, but the final decision lies with parents.

helpmum2003 · 22/10/2022 08:08

We decided. On both occasions our children wanted elsewhere. They were both very happy where they went.

I think 10/11 year old are not mature enough to decide. The thing about where friends are going is a red herring as primary friendships often become less important at high school. Of course a 10 year old can't imagine why this may be the case.

MissGroves · 22/10/2022 08:21

BookwormButNoTime · 22/10/2022 08:01

i went to see all the schools by myself in Y4 and only took DC to see the ones we were happy with in Y5 so they didn’t fall in love with a school that wasn’t going to happen.

When it came to the crunch, we got it down to two schools and made lists of the positives and negatives with her BUT we were able to engineer it towards the one we preferred. Even silly things like better refreshments on the open day, the nicer IT suite, the fact they do GCSE dance etc. Our preferred school had far many positives than the other one, DC could see it in black and white, and they felt they had played an active part and it was “their” decision.

Of course children should have a say, but the final decision lies with parents.

That is a good idea. Hadn't considered doing that (little one is only year 3 but will add that to list for next year).

TeenDivided · 22/10/2022 08:33

There is a lot to be said for visiting schools a year early anyway. I found things out at school 2 that I wanted to know about 1 that I hadn't known to ask about. Coming in fresh you don't know what you don't know iyswim?

Churry · 22/10/2022 08:48

There isn't really a choice, they go to the crappy high school. If they really hate it there I'd go private or home school as last resorts as I hate the idea of private and DC hate the idea of home school.

ChocFrog · 22/10/2022 09:08

Me.

ldontWanna · 22/10/2022 09:26

DD had massive input, as at the end of the day it will be her spending the next 4/7 years there.

All 3 schools she wanted went on the list, the only debate was what order they'd go in and eventually came to a compromise that we(her,me and her dad) were at least ok if not happy with.

RhubarbFairy · 22/10/2022 09:28

We have three in our town. Two almost on our doorstep and one further away. I had a preference for School B before viewing based on reputation, site and facilities but was open to being persuaded the other way. School C was discounted out of hand due to location and reputation. It's not as good as A and B, so no reason to travel further.

I went to see the two on our doorstep without DS. He was under the SENCO at Primary so I arranged meetings with both SENCOs. Senco of School A showed me around the school and gave me a general overview of what they do to support. Didn't ask me anything about DS. School Bs Senco took me to her office and chatted to me about DS for 45 minutes. That told me which was right for him.

However, we went to see both schools with DS to have a more detailed look around and to get his thoughts on it. Fortunately he was also able to see the benefits of school B and chose to go there. For him, the site itself was a huge draw.

Catchment is more complicated around here as we live in a market town surrounded by villages and get lower priority than children from the neighbouring village schools, despite being a five minute walk away.

Ultimately, I think it needs to be a conversation, but you as a parent need to look at the bigger picture and ensure your DC is aware of it.