High School choices - Who decides - you or your child?

[Fairystepsthought]

Does a happy child with good friends outweigh parental views on the head and ethos of a school? 🤔 thanks for constructive comments

I initially chose for my daughter and convinced her it was the best choice over her preferred school. She had a choice of several independents, but I convinced her to go for one which was logistically better for us (door-to-door bus service, cheaper tuition) plus it had amazing grounds.

A year later, she convinced me to change her to the school she originally preferred. She's there now and very happy. Although it's more expensive and less convenient for me to take her.

At the end of the day though, she is the one who will spend the next several years of her life there. It's only fair that she gets to choose what she prefers. Also, she went through all the torture of the 11+ process, so at least she can now reap the reward of being at her preferred school.

It was a joint decision, though my DS was happy to consider schools on their merits and not think about where friends may be going (we're in an area where there's no obvious choice), which is just as well as he's the only one of his friendship group to pass the 11+.

Where we live parents really have little choice: one secondary and two grammars. If you don’t get 11 plus, it’s one school. Unless you have found God snd make 2 lengthy journeys! You can visit all you want but you won’t get in to anywhere else. I also think no parent should go to an open day early. There is a choice of two grammars and they are packed! Having y5 parents too would be unfair on y6 parents.

We had not really a choice, crap one or the girl-only DD is now.

But, in my opinion parents do decide. DD was just 10 when we had to make the application, no. way they can make a decision so important on their future.

Friendships - Out of 35 girls in DD's primary around 20 are at her secondary now. The school has 8 forms, so a total of 240 girls. I think DD (now Y11) talks to 2! of them on a regular basis as one is in her form and also in the same drama class outside school and the other in one of her GCSE classes.

Friendships can be maintained otherwise, DD still sees girls from her nursery 10 years ago.

In terms of friendships, it was "easy" for us in a way, as my daughter had two best friends throughout primary - one in and one out of school (from her riding club). The one from the riding club was always going to a secondary near her house and we live too far away to be in catchment and the one from primary went to a very expensive all-girls school that we didn't particularly like and couldn't afford. She made new friends at secondary, but is still best friends with the girl from her riding club.

We have this decision improving academy or brilliant girls only. DD is very conflicted 😬 and so are we

A parent's role is to make decisions which the children does not have the life experience or maturity to make themselves

I would try and make a joint decision but I would ultimately decide if we didn't agree as I think I would have the better judgement about what would be right for them. If you think about it, subsequent siblings don't get to choose usually, they just go where their older siblings have gone.

Parents. It's not fair for a 10 year old to be held to account for the decision and they don't have the brain development to weigh up multiple factors over a range of timescales.

Also she should be aware that where people say they are going isn't always where they end up going, and a lot of schools do things like keeping Y7s in tutor groups for most lessons and keeping the year group split into 2 halves until at least Y10. At ours they only have lessons with 1/5 of the year group until end of Y8, apart I think from Tech and PE. It's just not proportionate (to me) to gamble on her friends being in that 1/5.

Parents.

Almost a no-brainer here, best state school in the county is local to us and DC were in the primary feeder school for it. Both us and DC were happy for them to go. Only reason to consider another school would have been if they were unhappy with the subject choices on offer, ie if they had wanted to do metal work or woodwork like their cousins.

About 50 students progressed from their school progressed to that secondary. They should each have expected about 10 student from their primary in their class. Both only had about 3 students from their primary, none of whom were in their friendship group. So the friends argument doesn't cut it.

DC realised from an early age the benefit of staying local, minor travel time to school leaves more time for activities and homework.

Parents need to research best option and present it as almost a fait accompli from a young age if doing something different to the "norm" for the area.

@SageRosemary
That is very difficult for parents in a grammar area. We also looked at boarding schools and, as DD was going to live there, it mattered to her. Also neighbours do have DC at different schools. That’s quite common in families around here. You can express a preference but there’s limited choice so no good steering towards a school DC doesn’t qualify for or won’t get into. It has to be realistic but friends are not a great reason to prefer a school.

DC didn't have the option of the school most of primary were going to as we had moved well out of catchment, but they sat for music scholarships across London where that got you a place regardless of home address.

I went to see all of them on my own in Y4 and then took DD to my shortlist in Y5. That way she only saw the ones we were happy with.

She loathed 1 so much we pulled out of the music tests, and her first choice was also ours, so no big battle.

This was difficult for us. We moved to be in the catchment of a good secondary school while they still had a few years to go in primary. DCs got into the good secondary school, and their primary friends went mostly to two other schools. They were both very unhappy about it but I remain happy with DH’s and my choice, it was and still is a much better secondary. But I wish I had moved them to a new primary when we moved house, even though the primary they attended was excellent, which was why I left them there. If they’d moved primary’s they would have had the chance to establish friendships before moving to secondary. They are 20 and 16 now and still think we made the wrong decision.

@TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet

I would be wondering why they couldn’t establish new friendships. That is slightly odd. My DDs went to boarding schools knowing no one. They had to live with DDs they didn’t know from day 1. They thrived. Firm friendships were formed. Maybe your DC kept looking over their shoulders at what their primary friends were doing and not realising friendships change?

They did both establish new friendships and one of them maintained friendships from primary too. One did well / the other is doing well at secondary. But I am regularly reminded by both that they didn’t choose their school and both say it was very hard for them. Perhaps it is unusual, but it’s my experience.

@TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet
I guess lesson learned then! Let them make their own decisions! Are they choosing their universities? Shame they hold grudges against you when you did your best!