Extreme reaction to discipline- how do I help my son and what should i ask school for?

[Nidan2Sandan]

My DS is 11yo and has extreme anxiety and will self harm whenever he is upset or distressed. This is in the form of him pulling his hair, punching himself till he bruises or scratching till he bleeds. He also goes into a state of pure panic, hyper ventilated, the works.

Primary worked really well with him and referred him to CAHMS last year whereby we had one telephone consult and were told he needs more intensive treatment/ counselling g, but the wait in our area for CAHMS is 3 years for these.

He was soooooo excited for secondary, found out there is an award for no behaviour points each year and wanted this.

Week 2 he said he was listening to assembly and was really excited by them saying about how you can do well in life, how to achieve big things and I guess basically a big positive pep talk. He said he liked what they said so much he clapped and he got told off for this and got a behaviour point.

This meant his next lesson in French he was distressed and harming himself. The teacher told him to get a grip and kicked him out of class. Queue him even more distressed and he gave himself a black eye by hitting his head against a door handle.

Today he got a behaviour point for answering a question without putting his hand up first. He was again distressed and pulled his hair and has scratched his face to the point its bled.

Whilst I absolutely support the school to discipline children, and I'm aware there may be more to the story than what I know so far, as his Mum this all feels very heavy handed and he seems to be getting no support in school.

When we signed up I provided them all the medical info so it's in his records.

I have asked for a meeting with his form tutor, I want to discuss not only a way to support him but also a way to discipline him when needs be in a way that wont send him spiralling.

I'm worried the self harm could go much further than what he currently does 😞

I dont know how to approach this with school that wont make me sound like I'm asking the school to ignore him if he does something out of line, but to also respect his mental health issues.

Does he have a key worker or contact in the SEN team? I would contact them alongside the form teacher. DS (Yr8) has severe anxiety and behaviour points are a particular trigger. He doesn't react as severely as your son but has been known to then skip lessons if he feels scared of the discipline measures. His SEN team have the option to amend his points if they feel they've been dished out unfairly which gives him the confidence to handle it more easily.

I’m so sorry for your wee lad, that’s absolutely awful.

We have gone through similar, although my DS is also autistic and has a number of additional needs. He was not well supported.

I had no choice but to pull him out of the school eventually. He has a place in a special school now.

You should speak to SENCO and principal as a matter of urgency, and tell them that they are not safeguarding your child. (It doesn’t matter that it is self-injurious behaviour, they are not protecting him from harm.) They also have a duty to make reasonable adjustments and also to ensure that sanctions don’t disproportionately impact children with additional needs. Ask them what they are putting in place right now, today to support him, and then what their long term plans are to encourage and enable him to build confidence - which will have been shattered.

HTH

I would go straight to the head of pastoral with this. There isn't anything that a form tutor can do to resolve it. They can keep an eye on your DS but they have no power to amend any sanctions or ask anything of his subject teachers beyond the generic.

Don't be afraid to be 'that' parent and make a fuss. Your DS sounds like a good kid who's really keen on school and just needs a little finessing to help him succeed.

The best people for that are further up the school. By all means keep his form tutor in the loop though but a good school will keep them informed anyway.

Ask them what they are putting in place right now, today to support him, and then what their long term plans are to encourage and enable him to build confidence - which will have been shattered

This especially breaks my heart. It was a huge undertaking for him to go to secondary school. His sister goes to a different school and as she has confidence by the bucket load she has had a great time. He really thought it would be the same for him, but instead he feels knocked and just......sad. We've spent 2 years working really hard with him, for 2 teachers to have undone all that hard work in the space of 3 weeks.

I would show them what your wrote. You seem to be a very reasonable and caring parent. Tell them you want yo work in partnership with them to help him. I'm sure they want that too and it wouldn't be in their interest not to as it would be much harder for them and the school.

At this age its entirely your role to advocate for him and to begin to help him manage and later advocate for himself.

You sould like a marvellous mum.

*Fat fingers!

You need to get the school to know your kid. They will have reacted as if he was messing about - but they don't know him.

Aks for an urgent appointment with the head of pastoral and get a plan in place for him. I would also make a complaint about the teacher who told him to get a grip, that is out of line.

I'm so sorry he is struggling

I dont know how to approach this with school that wont make me sound like I'm asking the school to ignore him if he does something out of line, but to also respect his mental health issues. Your job is to tell school what is happeninga nd ask them what they are going to do to help him. Your job is to advocate. Don't be scared.

I just want to send your son so much support, sorry for being over-emosh but this story has really moved me, it is so hard for some kids and I bet he really wants to do well.

The school seems to give out behaviour points quite freely.
If so, is it the right ethos of school for him?

How much do the school know about his difficulties? I think you definitely need to have a conversation with the SENCO about this if you haven't already, and suggest some strategies etc. Schools are able to support students who self harm, and it may be that he needs an individual risk assessment, or similar, to ensure he's safe at all times. It sounds like he really hurt himself when the French teacher sent him out? And that needs to be avoided in future.

Sometimes you need to be a bit pushier, as just providing medical info can get lost. That sounds awful, but so many students have mental health issues in secondary these days, it's often only the ones in crisis or where parents advocate for them who get support.

Realistically, whilst form tutors can share issues with other members of staff, they can't put in place the sort of support your son needs- this needs to come from the SENCO or someone similar, so that's who I'd ask to speak to as a matter of urgency. If not them, then at least the Head of Year etc.

In terms of the discipline being heavy handed, as a teacher I would sanction students for shouting out, even if it's the correct answer- I assume a behaviour point is effectively just a "warning". If I allowed all students to shout out, it would be chaos, and I would never get to hear from the quieter students, either. If I knew your son had difficulties around receiving sanctions, I'd go for just having a quiet word instead.

Clapping in assembly, I can see circumstances where a teacher would read this as sarcastic or deliberately disruptive- personally I wouldn't sanction, but I don't think it's ridiculous of staff to do so?

In terms of the French teacher, it sounds like they aren't aware of your son's needs. It sounds like they handled things badly, but there should be a plan in place that all teachers are aware of if your son is distressed- it's not "normal" behaviour, and not all teachers will handle that well if they aren't expecting it.

Given the level of harm he's done to himself (black eye etc) I think a specific plan needs to be in place to ensure he's got a safe space during lesson time if distressed and also has a safe way of getting there.

Don't be afraid to be 'that' parent and make a fuss. Your DS sounds like a good kid who's really keen on school and just needs a little finessing to help him succeed

This is exactly him. He is naive, self conscious as he is one of the smallest (his older sister is a giant) but just wants to do well and has real goals!

I'm under no illusion he can be a handful, he is fidgety but will put all that excess energy to great use if guided right. In Yr5 he struggled with his teacher, Yr6 he got one who REALLY understood him and he just soared!! His marks went up from bottom of class to top and he really started to enjoy school.

Now he's just sad all the time, but each morning will jump on his bike, wave bye and tells me to have a good day at work and cycle away. He really is a good child, not a mean or naughty bone in his body so I know he is trying. I expect him to do things he needs to be "told off" for, but I'm terrified he'll progress his self harm..

@Postapocalypticcowgirl thank you, it helps to hear why the behaviour points may have been given.

I'm just comparing to the school DD13 is in. She is yr9 and has only received 2 points her whole time, and both of those was for getting into arguments on school grounds. As I say she has confidence in buckets and that sometimes gets her mouth in trouble.

I don’t know if it’s been suggested by others @Nidan2Sandan but the extreme reaction sounds very similar to my now adult DD’s reaction to what she perceived as criticism in her early teens. She was diagnosed later with combined ADHD/ADD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. She was different in that she masked at school on the whole and it was at home she would behave like this but otherwise she self harmed a lot before we understood.

Hes previously been assessed for ADHD and we were told he doesnt have it, but does have Restless Leg Syndrome (which I suspect he inherited from me).

Possible there is some ASD traits, both my sisters have boys with autism to various degrees but no doctor has ever suggested it. Just anxiety and the RLS..

I agree that the form tutor isn’t the right person for this. SENCo plus Head of Year would be best.

You need to know what the teachers did when they saw DS self harming, because telling anyone to “get a grip” in that situation is unacceptable and when it is a child that’s way worse.

Unfortunately, most secondary school teachers will barely know the names of the new students yet. They should have made an effort to learn those with SEN though, and if he cannot be given sanctions that should be explicitly shared with all staff. My previous school often kept stuff like that confidential (HoY and above only), which was not in the best interests of the child - I only found out after I inadvertently caused a meltdown because I hadn’t been given the right information.

Detention points for those behaviours aren’t unusual in a school with a focus on academics and high standards of behaviour. Usually they will have plans in place to support students who cannot behave in the expected manner. You should use the meeting to get a plan in place about how they will deal with future sanctions. What did the primary school do?

Also I meant to say OP quite often schools are deliberately harsh with Y7s at the start - they come to Secondary sometimes thinking they are the bees knees and they need a bit of a reality check to cut out the immature silly behaviour. Your DS might just be caught up in this.

99% of teachers love a kid who tries hard - you'll always get one or two they don't gel with unfortunately, but if your DS has good intentions and works hard in lesson most of them will see that and give the over keen behaviour a pass. But that will take time, for them to get to know your DS and for your DS to get to know the school and the rules, and how it all works.

If you can raise concerns early and help the school nip these sanctions in the bud rather than waiting until there's a crisis I think that will benefit everyone. Good luck OP.

I’m a secondary school teacher and I hate these zero tolerance policies that take no account of individual students. It’s criminal to squash his enthusiasm like that. I’d find another, kinder school.

often schools are deliberately harsh with Y7s at the start

Detention points for shouting out in class or disrupting assembly wouldn’t be considered harsh in lots of schools. Actual detention might be harsh for a first time, but not a warning.

@FacebookPhotos they had a special class before school where students with these issues could go to as a sort of slow start to their day. Lots of positive affirmations and positive behaviours to start the day. Then he was given a big lump of blutack to fiddle with all day. Plus they just understood his reactions. If he felt overwhelmed he went into a little space with my beanbag and a frustration bag he could squeeze, punch, hit, scratch instead of doing it to himself. The headteachers had him "to tea" once a month in her office as well to check in with him.

We've spent 2 years working really hard with him, for 2 teachers to have undone all that hard work in the space of 3 weeks.

I am so sorry for your DS, who sounds like a very sweet boy, but that is incredibly unfair on the teachers. They are applying the behaviour system. Your DS’s significant emotional needs clearly haven’t been communicated to the staff for whatever reason and you need urgent contact with the SENCO and pastoral manager / HOY to discuss the adjustments he needs.

This stuff stays with teachers. A parent once told me I was responsible for her child’s eating disorder episode which led to her hospitalisation, because I asked her classroom partner a question in a lesson. I wasn’t. It was much more complex than this. The parent could not have known but I am in recovery for an ED and her accusation affected me for a very long time.

We tried to get him in his sisters school but we are out of catchment and in my city there is a less than zero chance of getting a place outside of catchment as there isnt enough secondary places full stop.

My daughters school didnt manage to take all the yr7 kids in the catchment and in the whole city they havent been able to accommodate all the yr9 kids across ALL the secondary schools.

Secondary schools here really are in crisis, space wise. They have built 2 new schools but struggling to get the staff in place to even open them fully.

I have absolutely no concerns about them sanctioning him, to be clear. I just want to make sure that teachers are aware of how to handle him if they need to be handed out.

Whilst I felt their reasons were heavy handed, I can see from teachers on here that this is pretty standard so I do feel better knowing he isnt being unreasonably targeted.

Almost all of that should be possible in secondary school. The only bit that is unlikely is the “tea” with the head teacher. Blu-tak, 5 mins with FT / HoY / pastoral support at the start of the day, safe “time out” space are all possible.

Definitely check that all teachers have been made aware of his self-harming behaviours and what to do if that happens.

See if the school do a “behaviour report card” where the teachers can sign to say how he’s got on. We sometimes use them for kids who need a boost - getting a personal “well done” at the end of one lesson can really help them focus in the next lesson.

Thank you so much for continuing to reply.

I will be raising these suggestions with the school and asking for help. I need to find out the details of the SENCO it seems as well.