Guilt over school commute

[Allotment123]

DS just started year 7 aged 11. Now has to get the bus to school. Could go to local school, this school is better. Buses been utterly rubbish, should be 40 minutes, 1 hour door to door. Today it took him almost 2 hours to get home. I feel so guilty but it is a much better school for him. When he's older he could cycle in less than an hour but all roads do not an option now. Do other parents have this guilt. He comes back so tired and grumpy

I used to have an hour and big commute each way at that age, it was for a better school, was doable but not great.

2 hours for the home trip really isn’t though - can you arrange a pick up?

Hour and a BIT

Completely normal around here. My DC go to Catholic school. The nearest Catholic secondary is 30 miles away and most of the children from the primary go there. The bus takes an hour but the train is significantly quicker. Would a train be an option - maybe not in year 7 but later on?

Most of the children in my village have a long bus journey to school leaving at 7.30am, returning close to 5pm. Our area is not well serviced with secondary schools. The first term is all about getting used to new schedules and the rules of secondary school and most children find it exhausting. I'm sure he will be fine once he gets more used to it all.

Thanks, the bus is 35 minutes, 15 minutes walk one end and 5 minutes the other, so technically just under an hour. It's only 5 miles but city centre traffic. It takes so long because the buses are utterly rubbish, cancelled, wait 20 minutes for the next one, it's full etc. On paper it looks fine. I'm hoping the buses will improve, but it is such a huge adjustment from the 7 minute walk to primary. Apart from the hill it's not a bad cycle, I've done it for work but the roads are busy. I'm a slow cycler so door yo door for me Inc locking up the bike I'd allow an hour. I think we'd wait for year 9 for that. it's just rubbish at the moment, I don't know why the buses are so bad

IME city buses don't ever get better - if anything they get worse as services generally get cut not added to

Did you often get that bus on that route? If so you'd have known what it was like before expecting your child to?

I don't think it's practical sorry OP

OP, no solutions, but a hand hold, as I’m feeling similar guilt right now too.
DD has just begun at an outstanding secondary (supposedly one of the best in the country), and leaves the house at 7.15am, arriving home just after 5pm.

Same as you, on paper, it doesn’t look too bad - it’s a 5 min car journey to drop her at the station, then 20 min train, then 10 min walk at the other end.
On the way back, it takes her longer, as she gets a bus home from the train station.

She actually seems to be coping fine with it (and many other children from her school do the same journey, it seems to be the norm that kids travel long distances for this school), but what gets me is the lack of time to do anything as a family in the evening, once dinner, homework and shower is done.

What happens when your child wants to go to after school club, music sport etc. At my kids school if they have to go to a comp at another school they are often dropped back at school between 5-6 pm. The same for school trips. Then add on a two hour bus ride they could be getting home at 8 pm. My child has a comp or trip at least every 3 weeks, it might be a better school but it limits what a child can actually do/achieve at that school.

Did you actually do the bus journey yourself before deciding it was doable? It sounds like a standard rush hour bus journey really.

I'd suggest your 40 minutes journey time in your first post was a bit disingenuous - if you consider the time from leaving house to actually sitting down in school, you are looking at over an hour even on a good day by the time you've added a little bit of leeway to get to the bus stop on time etc.

I think this is too much. But I get why you made the decision - a better school with 5 mile commute on a bus route.

But what about the occasions he's late for school - he risks detention then bring late out of school and even later home.

He'll not be keen to do extra curriculars at school such as sport, library, DofE etc.

His tiredness will mean getting him to engage with homework will be more difficult.

I think you're best biting the bullet now and moving him. Talk with him first though

When I was at secondary I had a similar commute - bus at 7:20am hope to be in school by 8:45 (depending on traffic!) home at around 4:30ish Winter was always walking to and from bus stop in the dark!

The stress of the exams! My Parents couldn’t take me in as they both worked and sitting on a bus hoping we’d be in on time for exam
starts - made GCSE extra stressful!

I live a 10 min walk to my daughters secondary school!

Urgh, that’s a hard commute. My mum moved us further away from school in year 10 and I had a nightmare commute (walking and 2 buses!) It was grim and I was older. Especially in winter when it was freezing cold and pouring with rain. I had to do this for 4 years so I really feel for him. How much better is this school? Is it really worth the trouble?

I did it. Nearly an hour and a half each way to nearest grammar school (9 miles), started in 2000.

Once every couple of weeks or so the sheer weight of traffic on the road into the city centre on the road home meant it was 2+ hrs.

I also remember frequently breaking down on the way up a steep hill and us all getting off and having to pile into a phone box to tell our parents we would be very late a fair few times!

I was the first/last stop as we were so rural, but there were a few of us within a few stops of each other. You get used to it.

When I was at school I had a two-hour commute door to door and it really affected my grades and my own health. I'd leave at 6.30 every day and get home at 5.30-6pm - even later in the winter.

If your child is taking 2 hours to get home now, this could even even later come December/January.

Even if it is a good school, please think about your child's physical and mental health and the impact on their work.

I only did it for two years - Year 10 and 11 - I learnt a lot from it but no way could I have sustained that for the whole of secondary school.

I agree with @sheepdogdelight , an hour is hopeful at best. A15-min walk to the bus stop is surely at least 20 so you’re not late. 35 min bus ride is probably 45 as often as not. Suddenly it’s 75 mins which is too long imho.

otoh a 12yo with no mobility issues can cycle five miles in 30mins surely, so that may genuinely be an option?

He's 11 not 4.

My ds gets a 7.45 bus so is up at 6.45. He gets home at 5.30. He still copes fine with his homework and (too many) hours of computer games. So no, I don't feel guilty. I make sure he's in bed by 9.30. I let him sleep in at the weekends.

What does your son say?

Far too long. I’d move him. You’ve decided based on a best case scenario journey which won’t happen often. How well will he learn when he’s exhausted? What about after school clubs? Proximity to friends?

That school really must be excellent to want a 3 hour day commute …I think it’s far too long.

I wonder whether where we all live impacts our view on this?
If you commute into London it is probably viewed as no big deal.
if you live somewhere where commutes of 30mins are standard then it probably seems a big deal.

It seems a big deal to me. But neither of my children would have coped with that as both found school exhausting enough as it was.

Have you checked if there are any dedicated school bus services that run nearby?

When my DD was at secondary she got the school bus. It was quicker and more direct that public transport.

I used to have a long commute to school, I would leave at around 7.30am and get back just before 5. I found it ok but I had 2 mornings a week where I got driven to school which made a big difference. I also had a friend who lived nearby start in the year below me so from year 8 I had company.
Me going to school so far away had a big impact on family life as I got older. I had after school activities and all my friends were in the school town. That, added to my parents working hours meant that my life gradually became based there. I stayed over with friends a lot and saw my family relatively little.
For me it was worth it though. Our local school was dreadful and my school was amazing. I absolutely loved going to school there.

We had a similar journey time just due to traffic - 15 min drive in non-rush hour traffic, an hour in rush hour (this was actually out in the countryside and it was my local school, 3 miles away - the traffic is just absolutely gridlock from my village into town as it’s an arterial road and lots of people commute that way.

Can you drive him? DM drove us until I was about 15, and I just used to go back to sleep in the front seat. Or talk to DM, or listen to the radio. Obviously the bus back was fine as it wasn’t rush hour.

Is moving house an option?

Can you take him ? He must be exhausted

Same here 😞