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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Should we move unhappy year 7?

49 replies

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 14:43

My DD2 is in year 7 and struggling socially. Lots of ups and downs with primary school friends and a feeling of not finding her tribe or her ‘thing’. She’s very young but tall so it’s not obvious. Bright (top sets) but not super bright to be a star academically. She tries really hard but seems to get little recognition. She tells me she is left out and people make rude comments about her all the time. Yesterday she was physically bullied in the park while someone filmed and this has been shared around the year group. She doesn’t want to go back to school after Easter.

Is it too soon to give up on this school? Her older DD is at a very popular school on an SN basis so I assume she would be higher on the waiting list as a sibling?

I’m seeing my own miserable school experience play out again for my daughter and I don’t want that for her.

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charlotte2557 · 12/04/2022 14:46

have you considered homeschooling ? I left secondary in year 9 due to mental health & other reasons and found my education became a lot easier doing it from home.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 14:48

We both work so homeschooling out. I would be awful at it and my daughter is a real people person (she does have some friends at school). To be honest this may sound selfish but home schooling is my idea of hell!

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myyellowcar · 12/04/2022 14:48

Her school life sounds like mine, it didn’t really get better, I just got better at being invisible. And this is something that is very hard to unlearn and still affects me now at work 20 years later.

Moving might not be the magic fix but I’d seriously consider it.

Musicandcheese · 12/04/2022 14:52

I would consider a fresh start. She's had two terms there and it's not working for her.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 14:54

It went so well up to about November. The first parents evening was glowing. The school is supposed to be really diverse and supportive with great pastoral care. We are disappointed that things are not working out.

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IDidntFloatUpTheLaganInABubble · 12/04/2022 15:00

Not at all too soon to give up. I moved my DD in year 7 for various reasons, she didn't go back after Xmas.

Was the best thing for her and she was like a new kid at the next school.

8Sense8 · 12/04/2022 15:14

I am sorry this is happening. I know how it feels! We moved ds in May of yr 7. He didn't settle in the first secondary school and had lots of peer incidents (mainly physical). He was miserable and although school tried to intervene, we didn't see any impact and couldn't see it changing.

Sometimes children are just unlucky. It wasn't plain sailing in the new school but he was much happier. It took time though. He had asked me repeatedly to move him and I felt that he'd tried hard enough. I didn't want to look back and feel that I hadn't listened to him.

It would not be helpful to repeatedly move her though. So think carefully about how to set up the transfer. Friendship groups will have established and she may find it hard for a while (possibly a year). So invest time in things that make her feel capable. Keep the odd friendship going outside of school perhaps too.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 15:22

I went to the only secondary in town plus my parents were of the grit your teeth and get on with it school of parenting, I’m not like that myself. I’ll request a proper meeting with year head when term starts. DD has had some pastoral care for anxiety but her tutor doesn’t seem aware or sensitive to her vulnerability. We may change tutor group as a first course of action and I will investigate the length of waiting list at DD1’s school.

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RoseMartha · 12/04/2022 15:24

I say yes to moving her. My friends daughter was bullied badly in year 7. They moved her and things are much better at the new school.

AntarcticTern · 12/04/2022 15:27

I think year 7 is not a bad time to move if things aren't going well. The friendship groups haven't cemented yet. The filming thing is terrible I would move her after that.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 12/04/2022 15:31

I’d move her. Imagine if something like that happened at work? You couldn’t drag me back.

Gelasia · 12/04/2022 15:32

My parents moved me in year 7. I'm glad they did. I was badly bullied and I got a fresh start. What happened to your daughter is quite extreme, I can see why she doesn't want to go back. I moved in the May of year 7 and settled well, and it showed me that my parents cared and listened and wouldn't just let me go on struggling. I was still a bit the odd one out in the school I moved to and it wasn't all plain sailing but I made friends with other odd-ones-out and it was massively better than the first school.

Just want to add that a child being a people person is no reason not to home educate. Home education done properly is not as it was in covid. Not trying to say you should do it as you don't want to, but it's a damaging misconception that home educated kids don't spend plenty of time with others and that extroverted kids can't thrive that way.

NiceTwin · 12/04/2022 15:32

Yes, I would move her.

3WildOnes · 12/04/2022 15:34

I wouldnt send her back at all. I can’t imagine how humiliated and vulnerable I would feel having been physically bullied and then that shared around on video. No way would I ever want to have to share a space with people who had behaved that way towards me.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 15:41

Thanks all. The person doing the filming isn’t at her school but obviously shared it with people who are. We’ve done an online crime report so will see if anything comes of it.

It was DD’s decision to go to that school and she feels like she had failed. DH and I both have emotional baggage from school so it is hard for us to judge the right course of action. Your advice is appreciated.

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wanttokickoffbutcant · 12/04/2022 16:11

I reported a physical attack on my daughter that was recorded and shared on line to the police and they took it very seriously, as did the school.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 16:28

wanttokickoffbutcant Thanks

If we don’t hear back from the online crime report by tomorrow I will call 111.

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MumzeeSaz · 12/04/2022 17:29

So sorry to hear this BeanCounterBabe. If you choose to move her (which I don't think is a bad idea) whatever decision you make will be the right one - as parents we do the best we can and make the choices we thing are the right ones at the time. I hope your DD is ok as are you too as a family.

SafelySoftly · 12/04/2022 19:30

I’m so sorry your Dd is going through this.
It’s not clear from your OP whether or not you’ve made school aware your daughter is struggling. Have you given them a chance to sort out?

Oblomov22 · 12/04/2022 19:31

Please report to school aswell tomorrow.

Notmrsfitz · 12/04/2022 19:32

Yes, I think I would move her school.
I think that secondary school is hard enough without having all this going on as well.
But, I would be helping her find strategies to cope and perhaps hobbies etc so that school wasn’t her only source of friendships and activities xx

stairgates · 12/04/2022 19:33

Does she do any after school clubs? Can you sign her up for a few self defense clubs, boxing and taekwondo kind of thing so that after a while she will be more confident.

IAMGE · 12/04/2022 19:37

Aim to move her for September or May half term.

Can I please please please ask you to look into this being your daughters norm - the social side and not the abuse that’s happened to her.

My daughter is a high functioning autistic girl - level 9 across the board - always struggled socially and took a long time to find her tribe - we are waiting for the official paperwork but everyone agrees she is just from 30 minutes with her. If the DM your email I’ll send you the check list for girls - it’s not the same as for boys!

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 20:04

IAMGE My other DD is autistic so we are pretty clued up on odd presentations, particularly in girls. I don’t think she had ASD although suspect dyspraxia or dyslexia. I was going to put her in the waiting list for assessment for dyslexia but things drastically improved with her reading in year 5 lockdown.

I think she is emotionally very young and geeky. She isn’t ready to leave childhood behind yet but she is also academically ambitious, she is seen as uncool but doesn’t want to change. She has lots of friends but a few of them blow hot and cold she is confused, currently spending lots of time with a couple of year 6 friends who are closer in age than most of year 7.

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Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 20:07

My other DD is Asperger’s under the old diagnosis (we don’t use ‘high functioning’). She has a few friends and doesn’t need anymore. Very funny and articulate. Doesn’t take shit from anyone and has offered to escort DD2 to the park to intimidate anyone causing her grief.

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