Page 2 | Should we move unhappy year 7?

BeanCounterBabe · 2022-04-12T13:43:25+00:00

My DD2 is in year 7 and struggling socially. Lots of ups and downs with primary school friends and a feeling of not finding her tribe or her ‘thing’. She’s very young but tall so it’s not obvious. Bright (top sets) but not super bright to be a star academically. She tries really hard but seems to get little recognition. She tells me she is left out and people make rude comments about her all the time. Yesterday she was physically bullied in the park while someone filmed and this has been shared around the year group. She doesn’t want to go back to school after Easter. Is it too soon to give up on this school? Her older DD is at a very popular school on an SN basis so I assume she would be higher on the waiting list as a sibling? I’m seeing my own miserable school experience play out again for my daughter and I don’t want that for her.

Gowithme · 12/04/2022 20:34

I wondered from your first post if the SN you referred to was ASD as you describe her as emotionally very young, geeky, anxious, struggling socially, bright - that's a lot of how teens with ASD present IMO. But there is some overlap with dyslexia/dyspraxia so it could be related to that. I'd reconsider the private dyslexia assessment and see what comes up. Also if she has dyslexia she may be entitled to extra time in exams - does the possible dyspraxia affect her writing/mean she gets very tired from writing? Again she could be entitled to access arrangements such as using a laptop. I'd consider moving her and also getting her fully diagnosed (privately if you can afford it while waiting for NHS).

I'm sorry you had an awful time at school OP, it wouldn't surprise me if you were also on the autistic spectrum. As my son's assessor said to us - it's come from somewhere.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 20:41

Gowithme It’s her sister who had ASD. We don’t think DD2 does. She is just in less of a hurry to grow up than a lot of the other girls. Also a lot of her friends parents are more permissive than us so she doesn’t carry a handbag to school instead of a backpack, watch inappropriate connect, wear ring crop tops for example.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 12/04/2022 20:42

Tiny crop tops.

OP posts:

CakesOfVersailles · 12/04/2022 23:06

Honestly I would move her... two terms in and miserable. If she didn't want to move, I would explore options like changing tutor groups etc but as she has said she doesn't want to go back, moving her is surely the best bet.

vinoandbrie · 13/04/2022 08:02

We are in the same boat, DD is unhappy in year seven where she is, and she’s starting a new school in September.

We thought long and hard about it, but we couldn’t just leave her to struggle. Like your DD, ours has not found her tribe. Good luck to you and DD as you make your decision.

Heythere13 · 13/04/2022 08:07

Has she ever been settled and happy at school? Or has there been issues and unhappiness every year since starting?

ThePoint678 · 13/04/2022 08:09

If she wants to change schools, change. It’s not a fail - she just hasn’t found her tribe there and needs to just move on.

HomeprideSaucy · 13/04/2022 08:11

I got into to a very sought-after school which I hated for the entire first year. I did begin to settle and make friends in Year 8, and by Years 10-11, absolutely adored it.

I was just young for my age and not ready for that kind of environment until I was into my teens.

So it doesn't always follow it's a lost cause. Have you asked DD what SHE wants to do? You say she has some friends here already - that is a good start (and she wouldn't have that elsewhere).

Padderbadger · 13/04/2022 08:11

I would look into moving her. I had a similar experience of bullying at secondary school (although no phones to film it back then), my parents were of the grin and bear it generation, the school was useless. I never found my tribe, had terrible self esteem issues until my 30s and don't have friends from my school time which I am sad about. I wonder how different a person I would be if I had changed schools!

goingpearshaped · 13/04/2022 08:13

I would move too, I am so sorry for your DD. The incident yesterday sounds really unpleasant, I hope you hear back today. Doesn't sound like the school are being great about this. It's bloody hard in YR7.

BananaSplitX · 13/04/2022 08:18

Yes, in my opinion you should move her. Our daughter was unhappy at her primary school for a very long time. Similar to your daughter, didn’t fit in, felt alone, would spend lunchtimes reading her book as no one to play with. We tried everything for years to make it better and finally moved her in year 5 to a new school. She adores the new school, found herself, made friends. My only my regret is not having moved her sooner as the previous school had such a negative impact on her confidence. Good luck!

Heythere13 · 13/04/2022 08:29

@BeanCounterBabe

Gowithme It’s her sister who had ASD. We don’t think DD2 does. She is just in less of a hurry to grow up than a lot of the other girls. Also a lot of her friends parents are more permissive than us so she doesn’t carry a handbag to school instead of a backpack, watch inappropriate connect, wear ring crop tops for example.

Ok so obviously you don’t want her watching inappropriate content

But I don’t think you’re helping matters but not allowing her, example, to take a handbag to school?

Sometimes there has to be a little give from what we as parents ideally want just to make our childrens lives a bit easier amongst their peers.

For example, I do not allow by 12 year old son to watch 18 films. Absolutely not.

But… when he goes to a friends for a sleepover, if they are all watching an 18, then I accept that he will be watching an 18.

Heythere13 · 13/04/2022 08:29

Because I don’t want him to be excluded or feel embarrassed

thing47 · 13/04/2022 11:50

@BeanCounterBabe is this a girls school or a co-ed? I just ask because DD1 has always preferred male company as it gets her away from the cliqueyness/bitchiness which sometimes happens in all-girl groups and she couldn't be doing with all the drama! She's in her 20s now and her friendship group is still very predominantly male.

PacificOcean · 13/04/2022 12:08

I agree with HeyThere13 that taking a handbag rather than a backpack to school isn't a battle I'd choose to fight if it's making her feel different from her peers. Does she want to take a handbag?

Akite · 13/04/2022 12:10

We moved my ds at Easter in his y7. He's such a sunny, happy soul and he was utterly miserable. Best thing we ever did, he blossomed again almost immediately and has been back to his normal happy self ever since (now y10).

TeenPlusCat · 13/04/2022 12:17

What conversations have you had with her existing school so far?
Why do you think it would be better at a different school?

Foolsrule · 13/04/2022 17:20

Of course you move her and you go to the police about the assault and video. Hopefully criminal charges will help to focus the minds of her abusers.

alrightfella · 13/04/2022 18:48

I would say move her but your last post throws up some issues for me.

It seems you are looking down rather on what some other parents allow. Has this rubbed off on your daughter? At secondary school sometimes you do have to adapt slightly for an easier life unless you are one of those who can carry off individuality without a care in the world. Inappropriate content would be a no no for me but a handbag is not worth worrying about. I'm not sure how crop tops feature in school uniform, but to me that's probably just a phase thing. Sometimes you have to let the unimportant things go.

Original poster

BeanCounterBabe · 14/04/2022 13:32

Regarding what other parents allow DD doesn’t want to watch scary things and is happy to stick to 12 certificate. She’s got new more grown up clothes and she meets her friends outside school. My parents were super strict so I do my best to help her fit in. She says she isn’t ready to grow up and wants to stay a child. Not sure how much she would like a handbag but they are totally impractical for all the crap she carries and would be trashed in 2 minutes. She is clumsy and messy.

OP posts:

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 14:48

@BeanCounterBabe

Regarding what other parents allow DD doesn’t want to watch scary things and is happy to stick to 12 certificate. She’s got new more grown up clothes and she meets her friends outside school. My parents were super strict so I do my best to help her fit in. She says she isn’t ready to grow up and wants to stay a child. Not sure how much she would like a handbag but they are totally impractical for all the crap she carries and would be trashed in 2 minutes. She is clumsy and messy.

So when you describe the other parents as “permissive” it’s actually irrelevant to your scenario because your daughter isn’t even asking for the types of things you don’t think is appropriate?

Heythere13 · 14/04/2022 14:49

The friends she meets up with, where did she meet them?

Has she always had a tough time at school?

Abuildingwith4wallsandtmrinsid · 20/04/2022 21:13

I would ring your older DD’s school to make enquiries about how easy it is to move younger DD to that school. And if it is straight forward, I would move her there asap. Life is too short and these young years are very precious. Having an older sibling at the same school might give her some comfort.
Both your DD’s sound wonderful.

cansu · 22/04/2022 08:09

I think that if the school isn't a good fit for her then yes move her. However, your subsequent posts seem to suggest that your dd may just be different or less grown up than her peers and that this is causing her difficulties with fitting in to her peer group. If this is the case then she may well have the same issues at another school plus she has the added barrier of making new friends when the friendships are already established.
You talk about the school having a reputation for pastoral and being diverse. That may be true and I think all parents need to be aware that the school cannot solve all their kids problems. Think about what would help your dd in school.
What school could do if it would help

Most schools have pastoral support. However they are over stretched and often deal with kids with self harm, school refusal etc. There won't be an on tap person who can be checking on your dd daily - not based on what you say in your OP anyway. She may get a weekly appointment dependent on the way the school organises this. Some schools have people purely on pastoral; some don't.

They may have some Sn clubs such as lunchtime clubs that she could attend. However, your OP suggests to me that it is not necessarily something she would want.

If she has trouble getting in, they can offer meets and greets and safe spaces such as library passes etc.

Deal with bullying so if people verbally or physically abuse your dd they should act to give consequences and do all they can to keep her safe. The incident at the park is tricky as it sounds a if it happened out of school time and with a pupil from a different school. They could however clamp down on people sharing it. If you know who is sharing it, tell the school and they should contact the parents and speak to the child.

They could change her form group if you think that would help. They could move her out of groups where she has difficulty with certain students depending on her ability and the way the timetable is organised.

What they can't do - they can't make friends for your dd. They can't prevent the fall outs that happen. They can offer clubs and other places where she can meet new people and I would encourage that.

I hope things improve. It may just take longer for her to find her feet. The difference between primary and secondary is vast. Some kids are just not ready in Y7. I used to work in a middle school setting and that really was great for kids like your dd who needed more time before making the transition to secondary.