Grammar place - friends a bit hissy

[EyeBallisticSquid]

DD's been offered a place at a super-selective grammar. Because she has autism, I put my politics and principles to one side, and went for the place that I felt would give her the best chance of coping, and of finding a like-minded social tribe - it has a disproportionate number of of kids with HF-ASC. Only one of my friends has congratulated her and we've had some snidey/hissy comments. I'm taken aback and wondering if this is common? I'll dust myself off and perk up tomorrow, obvs - but today I feel a bit low. Meh. Any wise words?

Congratulations on your daughter being offered a grammar place, it sounds like a great fit for her.

I’m sorry you’ve had negative reactions from people, although sadly I don’t think it’s unusual. I think that some people feel very insecure when those around them make different schooling choices and feel they have to defend the choices they have made by criticising yours IYSWIM.

You have chosen the best school for your DD and she has a place, which is fantastic. Clearly you’re not judging anyone else for schools they may or may not have applied for or been offered a place at, so be proud of your DD and don’t feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

Congratulation!! Ignore all those negative comments. Some will be jealous. Enjoy this moment OP. You are doing what is best for your DC.

It maybe isn't your DD going to grammar school that has irritated your friends. My DC are at a very good grammar school and I am irritated by your post. If you go around saying things like 'I put my politics and principles to one side' to your friends I can understand their attitude. You don't agree with grammar schools for children in general apart from when it suits your own child. You can denounce grammar schools whilst needing and using them.

My DD got into a super-selective grammar, and we've experienced similar positive reactions to other parents whose children have got into the school of their choice. For DD's classmates and our other friends, their schools of choice are mostly state schools, a couple into grammars, and a couple into private schools.

You say, 'I put my politics and principles to one side.' Have you previously talked to these friends in a negative way about grammar schools? Are those friends known to be anti-grammar? Did you keep your DD's application to grammar a secret?

Sorry I irritated you, Vicky. That makes me sad. I see your point entirely. The 'grammar' bit was irrelevant to us; we were simply hunting for the place with the most kids with ASD and that happened to be it. I never discuss politics/education with friends IRL!

BangingOn and Dreading - thanks for your lovely comments. Really. You are lovely. Primary has been very tough for DD - I've never mentioned this to my friends, didn't want to be a moaner - and we're keeping everything crossed that this will be her time. I'm just sad that over the years I've been so incredibly supportive of all their children, and hoped that for once, my DD might get some good wishes too. My friends have always struggled with how academic DD is but perhaps don't realise what an incredibly heavy price we all pay for it, and how courageous she is every single day, trying to fit into a NT world. Hey ho.

Gosh, no, LetItGo - I always keep schtum about education and politics! They don't, however, and are always very vocal about how much they despise the elitism and unfairness of the education system, having safely stashed their kids in outstanding primary schools, obvs! x

Yes, I did keep it secret because I'm a wimp and was worried they'd disapprove and talk about it in front of their kids, who might then say something negative to DD. And DD does NOT have the social skills to cope with that!

Well done to your daughter, I hope she thrives there.
Unfortunately there will always be someone who won’t be pleased for you, just ignore!

I have a DD at grammar too and it's a divisive issue but mostly only during years 6/7 after that, it seems to melt away as kids settle into school and find new friends.
My DD has declined an ASD assessment, but has sufficient indicators for a therapist to suggest it. Her school is pretty good at supporting students needs, be they diagnosed or not. They have quiet rooms and allow where needed students to leave classes early to get to the next one without having to deal with the scrum between lessons otherwise, several students wear noise cancelling headphones.
Our local comp is a good school but I think this was the right choice for my DD. Overwhelm is an ongoing issue though.

Thanks Littlemissprosecco! You are 100% right, of course. I think it's time to go and put my big girl pants back on. I don't know why it's shaken me up a bit.
Beamur, I am so glad your girl is coping ok and has decent support. I'm realistic; there is no 'right' school and it WILL be a struggle at times. But we'll give it our best shot. Thank you.

I live in a grammar area and both my girls got places. It’s a really unpleasant few days in year 6 and it’s really important to be really positive and congratulatory about other people’s non grammar choices.

It makes parents feel insecure/ uncomfortable and given that you (we) got what we wanted it’s important to make the effort to make others feel good.

The emotions will settle down in a few days.

School places really brings out the worst in people! Congratulations, sounds like a good fit for you.

Thank you zoemum2006 and northbacchus. Wise words. Funnily enough, the parents in question are all loaded, live over the border in a non-grammar area AND their kids are private-bound. Something about DD passing a v v hard test has wound them up, I think. The idea that we got something they probably can't get, despite being loaded? They're probably used to seeing us as a bit of a pity case, and weren't expecting my DD to ever strike gold. Thanks again.

@EyeBallisticSquid

Thank you zoemum2006 and northbacchus. Wise words. Funnily enough, the parents in question are all loaded, live over the border in a non-grammar area AND their kids are private-bound. Something about DD passing a v v hard test has wound them up, I think. The idea that we got something they probably can't get, despite being loaded? They're probably used to seeing us as a bit of a pity case, and weren't expecting my DD to ever strike gold. Thanks again.

I was the kid on the end of this and am glad my parents stuck to doing the best for me instead of doing what everyone else was doing. Congratulations to your DD, and well done to you.

ImJustNotMeAnymore - thank you. I am welling up. It's a lonely business being weirdos sometimes! You are very kind.

@EyeBallisticSquid

ImJustNotMeAnymore - thank you. I am welling up. It's a lonely business being weirdos sometimes! You are very kind.

💐 here, have these. I agree being different is lonely sometimes but never change.

Kids going to secondary school is one of those times when you find out who your friends really are. So many people with so many different attitudes to schooling, and children, and success, that can be hidden away quite nicely up to this point!

Congrats to your DD. Having a daughter with probable ASD myself I know your priority will be her ability to cope with school with her MH intact followed by not having her potential squashed for the same reasons!

I would be a bit pissy with you. Not because of your daughter securing a place. But if you were my friend I would expect a degree of honesty from you in life. When school decision had come up - which I'm sure they did over the years - you never mentioned that you were entering her into the 11+, you never mentioned she passed the 11+, and you never told them your preferred school. So basically over the last 2 years you have kept a lot secret. (Absolutely your choice) - It would make me realise you weren't actually a very good friend of mine at all. And that's why you might be getting a pissy reaction.

Oh, thank you ImJustNotMeAnymore! Nae chance of me changing, but hoping to meet some more parent geeks in September!
ThePlantsitter you have hit the nail on the head. I'd worked hard for years to hide DDs academic achievements to avoid sulky parents. Nobody likes a diddy smart-arse. Absolutely: MH and coping top priorities. The rest is meaningless if you can't sort that stuff out. Thanks for lovely comment and hugs to your DD. It ain't easy...

allMumdiva99 - all good points. Noted. Thank you.

It’s great news for your daughter and family, hopefully she will thrive there. The other parents are just jealous, it’s that simple. Real friends would be happy for you. You haven’t done anything wrong on the contrary you are being a good parent and doing the best you can for your DD. Hold your head up and enjoy the good news.

Thank you so much, Moonstruck67! Whilst I am not at all proud of my crappy communication skills(!) I am v proud of DD for sitting in that exam room with all its sensory horrors and giving it a go. Wasn't easy.

Don't talk about schools, politics or religion.

Our Y6 parent chat last night was all 'congratulations to all the kids', no one actually mentioned the schools they have been allocated. meanwhile on the kids y6 chat they all knew within seconds. I'm very luck that our year group has never been one to compare reading levels, whatever table they were on, what level they are working at.

Congratulations to your DD. It’s great news that she has a place at a school which will hopefully be a good fit for her. Hold your head up high and ignore any negativity - school places and school decisions really do bring out the worst in people.

But I will admit to having my teeth set on edge about the ‘putting my politics and principles to one side’ stuff. Own your decision, you don’t need to justify it to anyone. And basically when you mean politics and principles you mean related to other people’s children. Not your own. Because when the chips are down, you have gone with the best decision for your child. As most of us would.

I'm really pleased that you are confident your daughter will be attending the right school for her. But your wording that The idea that we got something they probably can't get, despite being loaded? They're probably used to seeing us as a bit of a pity case, and weren't expecting my DD to ever strike gold is an odd way to talk about people you describe in the subject as your friends. For what it's worth, my DD got a place at an all-girls selective grammar school a few years ago and we opted for the co-ed comprehensive instead and - 4 yrs on - I feel we struck gold with our choice. Be happy with your choice for your daughter but why would you disparage the choices others are making for their children by suggesting you think everyone is envying you?