How to feel more positive about DC not getting first choice school

[greatthings344]

We applied for some of the very selective grammar and private schools and didn't get our first choice for either. Got an offer from what are classed as very good schools in both the private and grammar category but I can't help feel deflated. We started the whole process in Yr 5 and even though DC is bright and motivated had a LOT of catching up to do. I know I'm being unreasonable but I come from a very academic family which is skewing my perspective on things.

Anyone else feel this way and manage to get themselves out of this sulk

Hard working kids do well wherever they go. There’s more to life than a string of grade 8s

Because, what’s the point? Your son ends up at one of these pushy schools, gets a stressful jobs, pushes his own kids and the cycle starts again? Let him enjoy his teen years and do things at a more relaxed pace and stop making him a mini-you.

They will be in the best school for them. All your choices would probably be a disaster for my DD for example... and you probably wouldn't value the good things about DDs school (great SEN department, lots of vocational options as well as academic). But it will, fingers crossed, by great for her. And as I've pointed out to her younger sister we will look at the best options for her when the time comes.

Even the best schools can’t guarantee the top grades. A friend sent her son to a top independent as it would guarantee oxbridge, guess what? He didn’t get in!!
My child is very poorly and struggling, there are no real certainties in life, just take everything as an opportunity and run with it, who knows where he’ll end up. Probably doing something non of you ever dreamed of. Don’t set him off on a set path, he’s too young let him explore

I’d be pleased to be breaking the cycle, if sounds like setting a child up for a lifetime of failure or feeling inadequate otherwise if failing to meet family and school expectations. I agree a bright child will do well anywhere, it’s normally the middle ground kids who benefit from being pushed. I’d rather my child was happy and progressing in a school with a poorer OFSTED report than always playing second fiddle in a better school. Probably a weird analogy but I think it’s often better to have the best room in a three star hotel, than the most basic in a four star, it sounds like a more relaxed approach is a good thing here.

He did get a grammar place though, just not in the top school? They are still very sought after!

Thanks for all the comments - I needed to hear them. We had a lovely time during most of DCs primary, we just let him coast and it was pretty stress free. He has SEN so we were much more focused on that rather than the academic side of things. We only got into the 11+ rat race in year 5 and now I'm having trouble getting off the hamster wheel. Thankfully DH is much more level headed than I am which really helps.

Please don’t feel deflated. You said he got in very good schools. You are judging a school by its rank in league table I suppose? So did not get in a school in top 5 but in top 50 or 100? But where ever your DC got in there will be kids getting all A*s/ 8,9 or in top unis and your DC can surely be part of that pack if he is bright. This can be a blessing in disguise as well who knows if you look into the bigger picture. There were few recent posts here where parents whose kids are now in Unis or finishing school shared their experience of what is actually important to get a place in top ranking unis or to be successful. To be in top schools might work against you as opposed to in your favour. I am sure your DC will be very happy where ever he goes. Wish your DC very best of luck!!

To be honest it sounds like the better options for him - if he didn't score highly enough to get a place, he may struggle to keep up or be towards the bottom of the class. Better flourish in a school more suited to him. I am sure he will do equally well. Give yourself a head wobble and get on with things - he has been offered great schools that people would love to get. Make the most of them.

I agree with @Hersetta427. No point having him struggle to keep up if he went to a school with high achievers. Sometimes it can make a child redouble their efforts but it can be very discouraging too. There's a reason he didn't get in - and there's no logic to thinking he won't do just as well or even better where he eventually goes.
Not all kids are top scorers and thank goodness. As I keep telling my daughter's selective private school: stop thinking all the girls should be captains of industry and leaders - not all are suited to that or even want it. That doesn't mean they won't become successful and productive in other ways.

There’s no way of knowing in advance what the right school for your child is. Basically all they know is the school they get and for the vast majority of kids that turns out to be one that works for them.

Honestly, there’s no perfect school. To a huge degree, it’s what they make if it. Your child is clearly bright, so they’re going to do well (even if it weren’t a grammar school). They’ll make friends and choose clubs and all the things that happen at secondary school.

It will all be great.

Thanks for all the reassurances. I went to a string of terrible, failing schools before going to a very ordinary non-selective private school and yet still did very well. So I know this really isn't the be all and end all. I feel a bit ridiculous for being sucked into the whole thing. Prior to all this madness, we were just thinking DC will go to the local comp. I know he would have been fine there too.

DS is now in Y11 of an excellent school. When he started in Y7 he was placed in set 2 for Maths. I was rather surprised because Maths was always one of stronger subjects in primary school and he was working above his age expectations. Throughout secondary school he has stayed in set 2. However, he has always been at the top of that set and his confidence has increased massively and is predicted an 8 or 9 at GCSE this year and he is planning on doing A level Maths.

If he had been placed in the top set, he would likely have been in the middle of the set and it would have knocked his confidence.

What I am trying to say is getting into the good school will likely benefit your DS far more than the excellent school in terms of his confidence. He will probably be somewhere near the top in terms of academics, and will probably do better than if he had been placed in the excellent school.

Thanks - that's probably true. I was at the top of class for my non selective private and it was a bit of a shock to the system when I got to Oxbridge and had to settle for 'average'. For DS I thought it might be good to be surrounded by very clever people, I know he raises his game when he's in a room full of bright kids, and thus it be less of an adjustment when you go to uni and the wider world and realise you're competing with lots of very smart people.......

But that's probably not how it works. I know plenty of people who think it's better for their child's confidence to be at the top of their local state than be middling in a very competitive school. Maybe for some kids in these formative years it's better to focus on building their confidence. This is probably also true for mine.

@Littlemissprosecco

Even the best schools can’t guarantee the top grades. A friend sent her son to a top independent as it would guarantee oxbridge, guess what? He didn’t get in!! My child is very poorly and struggling, there are no real certainties in life, just take everything as an opportunity and run with it, who knows where he’ll end up. Probably doing something non of you ever dreamed of. Don’t set him off on a set path, he’s too young let him explore

I think you raise a very good point. Many parents think that if they send their DC to high achieving schools like Westminster, Kings, SPGS, Tiffin, etc that they are automatically on track to Oxbridge or US Ivey. That is very poor thinking. No doubt those and others are all excellent academic institutions, however, if you go to one of those schools and find your DC in the bottom third, it is highly unlikely they are going to Oxbridge or US Ivey. Simply getting in is not enough. A DC needs to perform well. Thanks for posting.

Far better that your child is in the right school for them and that they are happy and confident.

DH and I were both very academic kids that got scholarships, super-selective secondaries, Oxbridge etc etc and we were also both pretty miserable for most of those years.

Expected to have a child who would be exactly like us. Instead we have DD who is severely dyslexic, high IQ but zero interest in anything academic and I'm 90% certain will not want to even go to university. None of the schools we had daydreamed about when she was tiny would have suited her, but she's now at a state comprehensive that is totally right for her in every way and completely supports her very specific interests and ambitions. Best of all, she's an incredibly happy and confident child in a way that DH and I could only have dreamed of.

Take time to deal with your own feelings, but then look for all the positives.

and yet still did very well

“And yet”?

OP, think about this mind set that you are in before you do some damage to your DC’s confidence and self esteem.

You were immensely privileged to go to a private school.

The vast majority of schools results simply reflect the overall cohort. Individual students do as well as their own ability and attitude allows, wherever they are, if they have support from home. Children go to state comprehensives ‘and yet’ do extremely well. You know?

Your disappointment at not getting your top choices is surely to do with ‘losing’ in a competitive process. You have no business competing via your Dc.

Support your child to fulfill their potential, do their best and, most importantly, be happy.

They have done incredibly well anyway to get through numerous competitive processes. Celebrate your child for who they are.

Think about the implications, from your child’s POV, of your sulk!

Your child has got a place at a good school. That's brilliant.
The school selection process is pretty crude really. The difference in getting a place on the margin of the cut off will be a point or two.
Let go your feelings about missing the preferred school, it is what it is. This probably is the right place for him. Be positive, embrace where you're at and allow him to grow and be himself.

Thanks everyone - this is exactly the kick I needed to get some perspective on the situation.

Even if you get to oxbridge there’s a chance you end up a shameful dullard - the current PM and cabinet are not the best advert for highly selective education are they?!

For some perspective, the 'choice' for my DC was,
Nearest school an 'Excellent' Faith school, we are not of the correct denomination,
Second closest school in special measures,
Third closest school needing significant improvement,
Moving house, for grammar we'd have to move to England.

You need to focus on which is the right school for your child rather than the best school especially if they have SEN. DS got an offer from a top independent academic school but it was evident in the whole selection process that they didn’t fully understand his SEN. We opted for a lesser academic school but a school known for its pastoral support and the head of SEN seemed great and he is now in year 8 and thriving.

This makes me glad we live in Scotland where everyone generally just goes to the nearest high school to their house. You can pay for private obviously, but I don't personally know anyone who has. It's a lot less stressful of a system.

Anyway OP, a cautionary tale for you - my cousin (England) got into the fancy first choice school, she got amazing grades and was on the path to oxbridge, she is really really bright. Anyway, pressure pressure pressure and it all fell apart. She did ok in the end, but nothing like what was predicted and although she did get into uni (not oxbridge) she got pregnant in the first year, dropped out and literally got a job at McDonald's. The funny thing is, she was obviously still really bright and now has a fabulous senior job with McDonald's, but it wasn't the future her parents expected and they dealt with it all quite badly at the time.

I've always thought about this when I get a bit pushy with my children. It's easy to get caught up in academic achievements being the be all and end all, but putting the pressure on a child can also have the opposite effect and cause them to burn out.

If he's bright and works hard, he will do well wherever he goes and at whatever he decides to do. That cousin of mine has a way better job than I do, and I have two degrees from an RG university. Because I'm lazy and she's bright and works hard and would have thrived anywhere, and accomplished all that despite the pressure her parents put on her, not because of it.

In the nicest way, you sound a bit pushy and I think some people can be in danger of getting a bit obsessive about which school their kids go to!

I went to a good private school and achieved nothing for various reasons. I know absolutely heaps of people who went to bog standard state schools and are really successful. Family support is one of the biggest factors imo of people who achieve a lot.

We don't have grammar schools in my bit of England. We can't afford private. We get the local comp or nothing. We have no choice. I'm lucky because DD is thriving but choice is illusion for the majority. Focus on the important stuff like enjoying raising a happy child and let the education he's been lucky enough to be offered do its job.