How to feel more positive about DC not getting first choice school

[greatthings344]

We applied for some of the very selective grammar and private schools and didn't get our first choice for either. Got an offer from what are classed as very good schools in both the private and grammar category but I can't help feel deflated. We started the whole process in Yr 5 and even though DC is bright and motivated had a LOT of catching up to do. I know I'm being unreasonable but I come from a very academic family which is skewing my perspective on things.

Anyone else feel this way and manage to get themselves out of this sulk

@greatthings344

Thanks everyone - this is exactly the kick I needed to get some perspective on the situation.

Don't be so hard on yourself ( and ignore the self righteous, but well meaning posts )

You wanted what you believed to be the 'best' for your DC, the same as any good parent, there's many interpretations of what's 'best'.

You sound invested enough to ensure he's a success no matter what school your DC went to, and although not first choice, DC is in a good school, so no catastrophe.

You set out to get something you wanted because you thought it was the best - of course you feel deflated. But you are also a rational person: this may not be the place you first envisaged but it does not mean it is not going to turn out to be a great school for them. It also does not mean your child will be locked up in there for seven years if it turns out to be the wrong place; you can get them out and look for alternatives, even if I know that is not necessarily straightforward.

I am quite sceptical about secure pathways to greatness or the precise location of stepping stones along the way. I feel that nothing is really guaranteed for anyone and lots of factors come into play. People talk schools up or down for all sorts of reasons, often in general ways which do not map into every child and certainly not every experience in the same way. None of us really has a clue as to how the fantastic/good/not so good/ok/concerning/pressurising/nurturing/(insert adjective of choice) school our children just got into is really going to pan out for them. All those terms are relative and mean different things to different people in any case.

Take a deep breath. Encourage and support your child. Hope for the best. Look for alternatives if it is not working out.

@Hollyhead

Even if you get to oxbridge there’s a chance you end up a shameful dullard - the current PM and cabinet are not the best advert for highly selective education are they?!

Very good point!

@greatthings344

We applied for some of the very selective grammar and private schools and didn't get our first choice for either. Got an offer from what are classed as very good schools in both the private and grammar category but I can't help feel deflated. We started the whole process in Yr 5 and even though DC is bright and motivated had a LOT of catching up to do. I know I'm being unreasonable but I come from a very academic family which is skewing my perspective on things.

Anyone else feel this way and manage to get themselves out of this sulk

Really the best thing to do is work over this summer, have a strong year 7 academically and then re-apply to the better schools. It'll be worth it, don't settle for lesser schools, do everything you can to give your DC a bright future.

Not sure if you’re in the same area as us, but we have super selective grammars with a very clear pecking order and privates with two schools (a boys and girls) considered a cut above the rest. It’s all nonsense really!

Dd didn’t get one of the ‘best’ grammars but she did get a bursary for the top private. Now she’s moved for sixth form to one of the highly regarded grammars. Ds only got into the grammar that people think is the ‘worst’. Kids from the prep schools avoid it - it’s either top grammar or private for them.

His school is fantastic. There’s a really stable staff (I think maybe 3 teachers have left in his five years there), a very good senior leadership team who are totally on top of behaviour and lots of good teachers. Honestly I much prefer it to the better regarded grammar that dd is at.

I’m sure they’d have been fine at a decent comp too.

My DH and I were both at top academic boarding schools. We actively chose our local comp for our brood because it seemed like a happy, joyous place to spend a childhood (and yes, teens are still children in my book, the brain doesn’t become adult until 24 according to the latest research.) They are slowly and happily becoming their own individuals in a school that embraces this rather than tries to mould a certain type. They are lovely to spend time with, interested in the world, pursuing a range of hobbies, have lovely friends and do well in academically.
At the same age I had severe anorexia and anxiety, my DH had a burgeoning drug problem.