If you went from state primary to private secondary….

[Waiting4Spring]

If your DC went from state primary to private secondary how did you phrase/explain this to the other parents at the primary school? And how did you phrase it to your DC?

I have a tendency to overthink. A lot. I also often phrase things wrong, and really want to get this right. I know we are very fortunate to have the choice of private and that a lot of current classmates don’t. We are not in a particularly rich area and I’m not sure anyone else in their year group is looking at private. I want DC to keep current friendships if they want to, and generally for no one to think badly of us for going the private route (that we are stuck up or whatever). Any advice would be much appreciated.

You just say 'Oliver/Harry/Amelia/Esme/whatever, you're not going to pleb school with Jonathan and Darren from primary, because we can afford for you to be more successful than them'

We had all discussed the various options for secondary school at length.

My ds is one of those dcs with a good brain but slow to put his hand up, so easily overlooked. I knew that if he went to the local comp he would be in the 'doing ok' middle and get no attention, which was why I sent him to a small quietly academic independent.

Plenty of the other parents were more affluent, but wanted a local school/all their friends/multiple holidays each year. It was their preference in a lot of cases. No-one said I was stuck up, but it wouldn't have made any difference if they had.

Can you not just say "we are going to send them to whichever school" and leave it at that? If people ask why and you don't want to say it's better or whatever your reasons are then how about, it's closer to home, has better wrap around care, they have a good friend there, more extra curricular activities, or your child has an interest in drama/sport whatever which is catered for at private school?

It's quite difficult to do this without it coming across as 'the schools you are sending your children to aren't good enough for my child'.

But it's not really anyone else's business what you choose to do or how you spend your money so you just have to not care what others think.

I'd say it's none of their business and if they decide to judge you on the basis of your choice of schooling for your children, then they aren't friends worth having.

Money isn't evil or good or bad. Money is just units of energy if you like, that can be traded for a vast array of services and goods. We live in a free market economy where education can be bought if you so choose.

People will always have an opinion and judge you, no matter what you do, in all aspects of life. I have a friend how has been very judgey about us deciding to go private after state.

I've been dropped on account of it. But that's OK.

She owns a property in the same street as where she lives and they rent it out and go on very naice holidays. They could spend that money on private school fees. We don't go on very naice hoildays...

I don't judge her for her nice holidays yet she thinks she's entitled to judge me because I choose to buy education.

And as it happens she has two very bright kids so they'll do very well anywhere. Whereas my genetic offspring were not so blessed.

It's so easy to judge when life gave you easy, bright, sociable kids with no special needs...

We just said that we were sending DC to x school. Left it as that. Generally people are really positive about it. One person wasn’t but I expected that. She has a large family and we don’t. She has expensive holidays and we don’t…etc. She has a chip on her shoulder because all her friends DC go private. She’s known from preschool times that we were going private in secondary so it shouldn’t have been a surprise.

You don't have to turn it into a big thing. When the time comes to visit secondary schools, you tell them that they're going to the school you've chosen, and bring them to their open days and settling in days instead of the local state school.

When they ask why, you say it's because that's the school Mummy and Daddy have chosen. "Why can't I go to the same school as my friends?" Because Mummy and Daddy thought about it really carefully and learned everything we could, and we know you're going to be really happy at the school we've chosen because of their [insert thing your child loves], and you'll have twice as many friends! All your primary school friends AND your new friends at school!

The school itself should be doing most of the heavy lifting by having amazing open days etc.

If other parents ask, you just say that you really like that school and that's where you've chosen to send your child. The more you explain, the more you're likely to dig yourself into a hole.

We've been through this twice, and there's always a handful of kids going to private school in the end. Just don't bang on about it, because as this thread has alread shown, the chips on shoulders do emerge! You don't have to apologise or explain your choices to other parents.

Gosh, I suspect you’re slightly naive to think these friendships will remain.

Don’t mention secondary school unless specifically asked. Even then, be as brief as possible and change the subject or turn it back to the asker’s child. Don’t mention the new school on social media.

If someone presses, it’s tricky to say why you’ve chosen it without sounding a) like the local school isn’t good enough for your PFB or b) (assuming it’s selective) like you’re boasting about your DC’s abilities. So best to say the absolute minimum.

I think this is why the private school chats on MN get so intense - most people feel socially unable to talk about it except anonymously.

In my experience, it is best to avoid getting into these conversations - a simple this is the school they are going to will do. No good can ever come from answering the question 'why?' - it's impossible to answer it without saying something that contradicts the choice the person asking it has made. There is no right or wrong choice - it's very personal and (if you are lucky enough to have a choice) you choose what is best for your family/circumstances at the time.

Total overthink, just say XXX is going to YYY school and that's it. Primary friendships usually fade out anyway so you probably won't see much of them

From my experiences, it helps if you can make out the reason you’re sending them is partly convenience ( easier with commute/after school activities etc). Then when they’re at the private school don’t go on and on about what amazing things they do, how they have been trained to be elite sportsmen and concert levels musicians. If you can be a bit sensitive to the fact the other kids aren’t in a situation to go private it will make things a lot smoother.

Totally a non issue for me. Barely anyone else went private from our state primary. I said where my DC were going if asked, people were nice about it (to my face anyway), and my mum friends who I wanted to keep in touch with are still my friends and we still compare notes on school from time to time.

@theqentity

You just say 'Oliver/Harry/Amelia/Esme/whatever, you're not going to pleb school with Jonathan and Darren from primary, because we can afford for you to be more successful than them'

Wow that’s uncanny, that’s exactly what I said For some reason it didn’t go down well

@ineedaholiday03

Totally a non issue for me. Barely anyone else went private from our state primary. I said where my DC were going if asked, people were nice about it (to my face anyway), and my mum friends who I wanted to keep in touch with are still my friends and we still compare notes on school from time to time.

Same here

Don't say unless asked. When asked just say they are going to (name) school. Nothing more needs to be said. If they press for answers why. Just say its the choice we think will suit them best.

I think you're massively overthinking it. Just say "x is going to y school next year", and if they ask you why, you just say that, all things considered, it seemed like the best fit for your dc.

Don't assume that everyone else would make the same decision if they could afford it. Quite a few of dd's primary school friends went to private secondary schools. DD didn't, but not because of the finances. We just didn't think it was worth it and preferred the state option.

Some won't send their kids to private schools because they can't afford the fees. Some won't send their kids to private schools because they have moral objections to private education. Some won't send their kids to private schools because they think that would be a monumental waste of money. Best not to make any assumptions.

@Boombastic22

Gosh, I suspect you’re slightly naive to think these friendships will remain.

Not necessarily. My dd has stayed friends with a few of the kids who went private for secondary. It just depends on how they change as they're growing up and whether they still have stuff in common.

Impossible not to say, the conversations are about little else for months on end. We had specific reasons for our two taking this path and no one as far as I know has taken it badly, the DCs are 16 and 18 now and I'm still friendly with all the mums I got to know at primary school.

I think people will only take it badly if you express your assumption that their kids are somehow less fortunate than yours. That would get my back up, whereas a different choice of school wouldn't.

If asked, you say “X is going to Y school.”

If asked why (and most people don’t, bc it’s obvious) then to the parents you say something like “X has struggled a bit the last few years, she’s so sensitive, such a pain! I’m not sure she’ll cope well with secondary school so we’re trying out smaller class sizes, maybe that’ll help her. Costs a bloody bomb though, guess there are no posh holidays on our horizon for a while!” And to your child you say “Look you know how some foods are ok but others taste better? Well that schoolyour friends are going to is ok, but we think you’ll have much more fun at this one, and we’re very lucky we can afford it, not everyone can. So don’t boast about it to your friends because we don’t want to make them sad, but this is a much nicer and more fun school.”

Conversation at school gates as follows:

Other parent: which school did you get for little Johnnie?

You: Johnnie has a place at Indy school

Other parent: oh! Didn't realise you were looking at that school. What's wrong with Comp School Downtheroad?

You: nothing. We've chosen Indy school as it's the best fit for Johnnie. Anyway world book day hey? I'll be glad to see the back of annoying dress up days (insert another benign conversation starter here).

Job done

@Thewindwhispers

If asked, you say “X is going to Y school.”

If asked why (and most people don’t, bc it’s obvious) then to the parents you say something like “X has struggled a bit the last few years, she’s so sensitive, such a pain! I’m not sure she’ll cope well with secondary school so we’re trying out smaller class sizes, maybe that’ll help her. Costs a bloody bomb though, guess there are no posh holidays on our horizon for a while!” And to your child you say “Look you know how some foods are ok but others taste better? Well that schoolyour friends are going to is ok, but we think you’ll have much more fun at this one, and we’re very lucky we can afford it, not everyone can. So don’t boast about it to your friends because we don’t want to make them sad, but this is a much nicer and more fun school.”

Wow, I certainly wouldn't say that to the child...I would just say that there are lots of schools to choose from, we think this school will suit you best, other families might make different choices for their kids based on what they think will suit them best.

My kids are in y6 state, we don't know where everyone is going until offer day but they all know who did and passed the 11+, who has had interviews for the out of catchment faith school, who has been to interviews / sat exams at the private schools / which state schools they've applied for.

The parents NEVER SPEAK of it. It is what it is. I went from private primary to super selective. Didn't need a big conversation.

I would totally avoid any mention of "better" or "more fun" schools versus OK ones. For one thing year 6 children need to know its about specifics such as class sizes, facilities, single-sex vs co-ed or whatever and be involved in the decision making. For another the last thing you want is for them to have the perception of some schools just being better or worse than others. So "best for you because specific reasons" rather than just better generally.