If you went from state primary to private secondary….

[Waiting4Spring]

If your DC went from state primary to private secondary how did you phrase/explain this to the other parents at the primary school? And how did you phrase it to your DC?

I have a tendency to overthink. A lot. I also often phrase things wrong, and really want to get this right. I know we are very fortunate to have the choice of private and that a lot of current classmates don’t. We are not in a particularly rich area and I’m not sure anyone else in their year group is looking at private. I want DC to keep current friendships if they want to, and generally for no one to think badly of us for going the private route (that we are stuck up or whatever). Any advice would be much appreciated.

You are definitely overthinking this.

Conversations generally went like this:

Other parent: ‘Which school is your ds going to next. My dc is going to [1 of 3 local state schools]’
Me: ‘name of independent school’
Other parent: ‘great’

Conversation moves on to other more interesting topics. No judgment, no drama.

Fwiw, friendships change hugely in y6. They all get sick of each other and are mostly ready to leave their primary friends behind and make new friends, even if they go to the same school as the primary school friends.

Agree with others - just say if asked X going to Y school as we think it's the best fit.

And don't over think or try to manage new freindships at secondary level. DD was the only person to go to her secondary school - the others were split between 2-3 others. She managed to keep the old friendships going for a couple of years then things petered out naturally as new friendships picked up.

I think worst approach is a patronising ‘justification’ eg I would send x to y local comprehensive but know they couldn’t cope with size/grandparents have given money specifically for that purpose but I’d be perfectly happy with local comp etc etc. Just own the decision. Others parents don’t need you to make them feel ok about their decisions/options. Also pretending until last minute that their child is going to local comp when actually there’s a private option that gets whipped out at last minute. Sensing a parent is embarrassed about their child going private around me would feel a bit insulting.

Don't overthink it. Your child won't hang on to those primary friendships for long.
Least said best mended is the right approach. Keep it simple and move on. Your child will - if you've made the right choice.

@AlexaShutUp

I think you're massively overthinking it. Just say "x is going to y school next year", and if they ask you why, you just say that, all things considered, it seemed like the best fit for your dc.

Don't assume that everyone else would make the same decision if they could afford it. Quite a few of dd's primary school friends went to private secondary schools. DD didn't, but not because of the finances. We just didn't think it was worth it and preferred the state option.

Some won't send their kids to private schools because they can't afford the fees. Some won't send their kids to private schools because they have moral objections to private education. Some won't send their kids to private schools because they think that would be a monumental waste of money. Best not to make any assumptions.

Very good point. OP is assuming she's the only parent who can afford to pay; many others may be able to but simply don't want to. They might disagree with private education or might just believe their child will do well anywhere.

@Thewindwhispers

If asked, you say “X is going to Y school.”

If asked why (and most people don’t, bc it’s obvious) then to the parents you say something like “X has struggled a bit the last few years, she’s so sensitive, such a pain! I’m not sure she’ll cope well with secondary school so we’re trying out smaller class sizes, maybe that’ll help her. Costs a bloody bomb though, guess there are no posh holidays on our horizon for a while!” And to your child you say “Look you know how some foods are ok but others taste better? Well that schoolyour friends are going to is ok, but we think you’ll have much more fun at this one, and we’re very lucky we can afford it, not everyone can. So don’t boast about it to your friends because we don’t want to make them sad, but this is a much nicer and more fun school.”

Really don't say any of that! Avoid anything that suggests you are going to the private school because clearly it's better than the state school. (I mean obviously you've chosen it because you think it is, but you don't need to labour the point).

Just say you decided X school would be better suited to your child, if asked. Do not elaborate as to why.

I've taken the approach of not mentioning it unless asked and then saying DD is going to X. If asked anything further, it's "We think X will really suit DD." That's an honest answer without any specific judgement on our local comp.

Better to use the word ‘independent’ than ‘private’ probably op

Funnily enough the only parent who stopped speaking to me over this was someone who’s parents offered to pay for her child to go to the same Private school DD was going to but her husband wouldn’t allow it
Nobody else had a problem with it, including those who couldn’t afford it and some who could but chose not to.

DS is at state secondary. Some of his good primary school friends went private. None of us ever asked why they went private but some parents felt the need to explain. It seems obvious that they think their kid will get a better educational experience. If asked, just say 'We want to'. Its true, straightforward and anything else just sounds patronising.
When asked why we don't send DS private I just say I don't want to. For the same reasons. No other explanation needed.

@NC938738953685

Better to use the word ‘independent’ than ‘private’ probably op

'Independent' comes across as quite, well, very pretentious to the 'man in the street'. It's one to use amongst, at most, other parents who can afford it or who have a degree of familiarity with 'that world'.

The best thing to do is:

(a) stress that you/the child is fortunate to be able to afford it, be humble about it; and
(b) narrow in on a couple of specifics that you like about the private school, e.g. class size, single sex, facilities, clubs, tell the truth.

Goodness all these suggestions to explain yourself and be humble.

Just state it as matter of fact as you can with no reasons necessary and no denigrating the other parents choice.

Honestly do you feel the need to explain why your kid goes to bed at 9 or has time limits on Minecraft or other such parenting decision? Of course you bloody well don't. So don't start now.

Some parents will raise an eye. Some will say they'd never do private and try and make you feel rubbish for your choice and some will say good for you.

The important thing is you've made your decision and you are not to care what anyone else thinks. End of.

@DobbyTheHouseElk

We just said that we were sending DC to x school. Left it as that. Generally people are really positive about it. One person wasn’t but I expected that. She has a large family and we don’t. She has expensive holidays and we don’t…etc. She has a chip on her shoulder because all her friends DC go private. She’s known from preschool times that we were going private in secondary so it shouldn’t have been a surprise.

This.

I just said X is going to ..... school. One friend is very anti private but she was positive about us doing what was right for us.

I think it's a bit naive to think you can just name the school and move on. Around here, parents talk about NOTHING ELSE for about a year, and will ask you lots of detailed questions about your choices, even if they hardly know you. FWIW we found that the only negativity came from those who could have gone private but decided to go state. We earn on the lower end of the salary scale necessary to fund private education, and know quite a lot of people who earn considerably more than us but decided that they couldn't afford to go private (basically because their outgoings are much higher than ours). A couple of those parents were actually downright rude pretty frosty about our decision. Whereas the parents who were never in a financial position to consider private school were perfectly fine.

As for practicalities, I think it's useful to try to have a couple of reasons for choosing the school that aren't strictly related to the fact that it's a private school, if possible. So that if you are quizzed by other parents, you've got something fairly neutral to say (whether that's transport, or a particular sport, or something). With the children, we had a sort of mantra along the lines of 'we're lucky that there are lots of good schools around here (which is true), and different people will choose different schools for different reasons, and this is the one we chose'. I agree that it's never a good idea to start telling them their school is 'better', and I would absolutely never say to them that it's sad for other people that they can't have that choice. I know a parent who did that (genuinely thinking it was a 'nice' thing to say), and her child proceeded to tell all their friends how sad it was for them that they couldn't afford to go to the same school...

stress that you/the child is fortunate to be able to afford it, be humble about it

I know you're saying to be humble but there is actually something incredibly arrogant about stressing that your child is "fortunate" enough to have options that you presume other kids don't have. It implies that the other kids are somehow "unfortunate" to have parents who can't/won't provide those opportunities.

Of course, there will be many kids whose parents cannot afford private school fees,
but it is so smug to just assume that everyone would want that for their dc anyway. Just as it would have been equally smug for me to patronisingly explain to the parents of the privately educated kids that I didn't feel the need to waste tons of money on school fees because dd was "fortunate" to be one of those kids who was going to do really well wherever she went.

I just don't know why people can't seem to grasp that not everyone agrees that private is better. If you want your dc to go to a private school, and you can afford to pay the fees, that's absolutely fine. You are the parent and probably best placed to make decisions about what is best for your child but don't go tying yourself in knots about how to break the news that you're going private to all of the pitiable plebs whose kids will be going through the state system instead. We don't see it that way, it's just another school and we don't actually care!

I think, as with most things, it's best to just say what you are doing without subjecting people to performative handwringing. What would get your back up more...

a) "This year's holiday? We're going to the Maldives*. Really excited, can't wait!"

b) "This year's holiday? Um, well, actually we're going to the Maldives.... We're really lucky, we saved up for ages and my mum's given us a bit too... We don't normally go anywhere fancy... I'm sure you'll have just as nice a time camping in Wales... I'd be happy to go to Wales too but Steve was really keen to go abroad for some reason..."

(* insert desirable holiday destination, it's so long since I planned a holiday I can't even remember where fancy people go!)

I suppose it depends on the person. I’ve always made it clear we were going private in secondary. I was privately educated and that seems to help a bit. People aren’t surprised when I say. Around here we are very rural so at secondary lots of children go to different places for various reasons. 20% of the class are going privately for secondary. Mostly due to the lack of choice in the state system here. Some children have to travel huge distances to get to a state school.

@AlexaShutUp

stress that you/the child is fortunate to be able to afford it, be humble about it

I know you're saying to be humble but there is actually something incredibly arrogant about stressing that your child is "fortunate" enough to have options that you presume other kids don't have. It implies that the other kids are somehow "unfortunate" to have parents who can't/won't provide those opportunities.

Of course, there will be many kids whose parents cannot afford private school fees,
but it is so smug to just assume that everyone would want that for their dc anyway. Just as it would have been equally smug for me to patronisingly explain to the parents of the privately educated kids that I didn't feel the need to waste tons of money on school fees because dd was "fortunate" to be one of those kids who was going to do really well wherever she went.

I just don't know why people can't seem to grasp that not everyone agrees that private is better. If you want your dc to go to a private school, and you can afford to pay the fees, that's absolutely fine. You are the parent and probably best placed to make decisions about what is best for your child but don't go tying yourself in knots about how to break the news that you're going private to all of the pitiable plebs whose kids will be going through the state system instead. We don't see it that way, it's just another school and we don't actually care!

Couldn't have put it better myself! So many anxieties at play when it comes to school choices on all fronts and everyone's situation is slightly different. Just be open and honest about things and don't try to pretend it's something it isn't. No one appreciates being patronised or lied to. Just make the decision and move on.

I agree that it's best to be open and honest and not patronising, but do also prepare yourself for the possibility that some parents might be passive aggressive arseholes about it. I had comments ranging from 'oh we thought about going private but I didn't want Johnny to grow up into an entitled brat' through to 'aren't you worried that they'll be bullied because you don't ski' (seriously). You can be as nice as you like, but it's not guaranteed that everyone will be nice back.

Yeah, I think you have to accept that people will feel how they feel about it, and they're allowed to. Some people won't care, but some people will have ingrained views on private schooling and might be resentful or think you're committing a moral misdeed. They're allowed to, and you're allowed to carry on regardless.

Just make sure that you don't say that whatever school your DC is going to us better - this goes for private and state. DD had a horrible time in year 6 being told the school she was going to was rubbish and the school her 2 closest friends were going to was much better. Just tell them you've chosen what you think will suit them and leave it at that.

My daughter went to a very, very small private secondary school after state primary.

If I got into a conversation about it, I just told them the truth that I didn't think she'd cope with the very large state school because of her particular personality. She is very shy and quite an "invisible" child so my hope was that she'd get more opportunities to take part in sports, drama, etc. at the private school and the teachers would get to know her better.

It wasn't even a case that I thought the private school was better (in many ways it wasn't) but I do think it was a better option for her.

So basically tell them that you think this particular school suits YOUR child better. That must be the truth otherwise you wouldn't be sending them there!

Juat say the name of the school

They're unlikely to ask you why, I think. You don't have to justify it in any case!

Honestly, you're over thinking it. What's the worst case scenario?