Any advice please dd has made no friends at High school

[easterdaffsx]

Id really appreciate any advice please . Dd age 11 has made no friends at secondary school .
At first it was all good as there were lots of activities to encourage new friendships but now she feels isolated and so very sad all the time because everyone seems to have drifted off into friendship groups and she has made no friends . The ones she did make now don't invite her to anything and hide from her when she's coming so she sits in the toilet .
She dreads lunchtime amd break time .
She told me she knows why she has no friends and it's because she's immature, weird and irritating and those were own words and she really believes this .
She has always struggled to make friends and does have some attachment issues. I just don't know where to go from here to support her .
I've asked if there is anyone she wants to invite out for hot chocolate or similar but there is no one she knows well enough . I've suggested she join a lunchtime club but she doesn't want to go alone amd says everyone goes with a friend .
She's an anxious child anyway.
She is so desperate to join in amd do all the things other girls her age are doing amd it's heart breaking seeing her so sad .
She does have friends outside of school but they are the girls in the year below her still at primary . She always got on well with people slightly younger (July baby) and that's been okay at a small primary school .
She also sees amd gets on well with many of my friends children but they all go to different schools (private).
I shouldn't compare with my other dc I know (all grown up now) but they all had such lovely strong friendships I just don't know how to support her with this . I haven't been as present with dd as I was the others as my job now requires a lot of hours so I am looking for other opportunities with less hours but it will take a long time it's not going to happen quickly .
If I move her school will I just be moving the problem ? I've asked her this and she wants stay and discuss that again with me at Easter which I think was quite brave
At the end of half term she really broke down and told me she'd made up being friends with some girls because she didn't want to worry me when I asked so I'm really sorry that my own anxiety has been transferred and I hope I've reassured her that I want to support her 100% and she needs to feel able to talk to me . She literally shakes amd sweats when talking about school . On a positive note she's putting a lot of energy into catching up at school and her grades are reflective of that )
She's having some private cbt with a lovely lady amd we practice mindfulness although possibly not regularly enough .
Sorry for long post and if anyone can offer any suggestions thank you .

I really do sympathise. My DD is a bit older and has had very similar problems. Have you contacted the school? My DD didn't want me to but actually they have been really good. They have strategically placed her next to a couple of kinder kids and she has gradually settled a bit more. I think it's a big move and hard for a lot of kids, realistically it might take more than 6 months for her to settle in. I also think Covid has created a very odd environment at school and that hasn't helped.

Please speak to the school and yr 7 head. They are usually very good at supporting kids who have a hard time making friends. It really is the best thing you can do now. And do it asap.

I've been in your shoes and I contacted my daughters class/form tutor. She was very understanding and put a plan into place where my daughter would have her packed lunch dinner in a class room with the other kids that didn't want to go outside. There was a lunch time club as well and after a weeks so was put with the teachers that run the lunch club as a helper. She felt ok with that as she was there for a purpose and didn't need a friend but by being there every day she naturally found a friend or two. By serving year she was fine and part of a group of 5-6 girls.

I’m an ex secondary teacher. Ring and speak to the head of year. School will have seen this before abd will be invite only social groups at lunch and social skills groups she can go to or they will ask staff to tweak seating plans.

Year head is a great place to start,
Ours encouraged DD along to a lunch time club and eventually she did go.
Is there a Guide group near you that’s not affiliated with her secondary school? Guides is a great way to make new friends outside of the pressure of school.
I feel for you OP - we are in this situation too x

I don't think moving school will necessarily help. I'm assuming she's only been at Secondary school for a term and a half. It's still relatively early days and I doubt all the friendship groups are completely set yet. Friendships at this age can be pretty fluid and ruthless, unfortunately.

I think you need to work on her meeting new people.

I know she doesn't want to go to school clubs alone but it really would be a good way to engage with new children that she maybe hasn't spoken to before. Are there any she could be persuaded to go to? Perhaps a sport where they are doing an activity without the pressure to chat? Even a homework club where there may be 1 or 2 quieter children she could work alongside.

Out of school clubs like guides/scouts, martial arts of some sort or drama (both of which could really boost confidence). The first step might be a bit nerve wracking but if she really wants to make new friends she needs to create the opportunity for that to happen.

I'm so sorry. DS2 had this issue and it was heartbreaking. You are doing all the right things getting her some CBT to help her process her emotions and keep them rational.

I agree with all PPs - contact HoY or form tutor and see if she can be paired up with another girl who is struggling (there will be others) or with a gentle soul who doesn't care about being cool and is happy to include her at lunch or go to a club with her.

Meanwhile, I'd organise sleepovers/movie pizza nights/ trips out with some of her younger friends. No reason not to keep those friendships going too.

Is she weird, as she says? DS2 is a bit. He's HFA and so never tries to conform with others, he just does his thing. It meant that friendships were fewer and more gradual but he does have good friends now, both from school and at uni. If she may be high functioning autistic she will need additional support. Getting it sooner rather than later will help.

I have known moving school be successful in this situation - if nothing else being the new girl is an ice breaker/makes it less weird to outright ask if it's OK to join a group. But of course there are no guarantees. It sounds drastic & likely a non-starter [e.g. it might contravene one or more of LA/school etc policies] but MIGHT there be scope for dropping her down a year & starting yr 7 again at the same school as one of the younger girls who you say she gets on with?

If you knew any other parents in her form group you might discreetly say that your DD is struggling & ask if their kid would mind having her tag along for a while.

Out of school activities, especially IMO with slightly older kids, would be an excellent idea IMO.

Attending a school club alone might not be 'the done thing' but it surely beats hanging round the playground or classroom alone?

It sounds silly but it might help to try to make sure her hair & clothes etc are reasonably good/fashionable [tho definitely not OTT].

If it's a co-ed school then it MIGHT be easier for her to tag along with a group of less macho boys, boys can be on average [not always] a bit more straightforward.

Have you considered she may be slightly on the spectrum and the autistic spectrum? Her description of herself "immature, weird and irritating" can fit this profile.

It can mean making friends is harder. It may be very mild but mild enough to cause issues in a brand new place like a big secondary school. It can be overwhelming at the start even for kids with the best social communication skills.

That's so sad. My DD is Y7 a d has struggled making new friends too, although she luckily has one friend from primary school. It's so hard not knowing how to help them. Definitely speak to the school about pastoral support. Form tutor is usually a good place to start. They might be able to support her with joining some clubs. At least then she will have an activity to keep her occupied so she doesn't have to sit by herself at lunchtimes and she can hopefully get to know some people while they are occupied with an activity.

Also keep up the friendships with the younger pupils and facilitate her seeing them outside of school.

Poor DD, seems likes there’s good advice here.
Hope things get easier for her - I think my DD is similar (immature, a bit odd, misses social cues, her teacher thinks there may be some asd traits), so following with interest.

I remember mid way through year 7 was absolutely horrible for my DD who was also young for her age her three best friends turned on her in their quest to get with the more popular crown. DD was not into more mainstream things such as make up, fake tan, skimpy clothing, throwing herself at or running after boys and striving to be popular etc.

Hopefully the counsellor will help your DD and she will find her tribe or one or two good friends from the less popular crowd as my DD did but not until year 8.

Maybe do lots of nice things together out of school and look out for other clubs and activities inside and outside school. Some quieter kids at DD’s school help out in the library on a lunch time?

Take care its awful seeing your child so unhappy and feeling powerless x

Crowd not crown.
🤞 things get better. Maybe ask your DD what she thinks about speaking to school. DD’s school were useless and if the school aren’t careful the kids can pick up on it making things worse.
DD made a few friends by being nice to others she witnessed having a hard time at school and they stuck together. Their group got quite large by year 11. Take care OP

Definitely get in touch with the Head of Year.
Have you talked with your dd about how to make friends? My dd struggled with feeling isolated when the friendship with her bf broke down (drifted apart). She found it difficult to talk to anyone else so ended up isolated from her peers. We had lots of chats about how friendships develop and how to make the first move (so to speak!). School helped guide her towards a couple of people who might be a good fit and the strategies gave her courage to speak to them. She now has a lovely group of friends and is much happier.
Good luck

I had a similarly miserable time in year 7 20+ years ago. It is so awful - girls that age can be so toxic. I did go and look at a couple of other schools with my mum - I didnt end up moving but I felt better knowing it was an option. I ended up finding a friend in a different class - we just bumped into each other in the locker room one day and then became inseparable. As soon as I had a friend, school became so much easier and the other girls seemed to pick on me much less. The one who gave me the hardest time (a real bully) ended up eating humble pie in year 9 after everyone turned on her and she became a lot nicer. She's probably my closest school friend now, decades later.

Its hard to see it at the time, but these things can change so quickly.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice it's really helpful .

Bluetoyou your suggestion was somewhere buried deep inside a box in my head I think .
I've had a background read and I agree she does have mild symptoms of ASD. Im not sure at 11 what a diagnosis of mild ASD would achieve but I will read as much as I can and see if perhaps it's something that might help with her understanding of the situation at least .
I will defiantly ask for an appointment with the HoY and or her form tutor .
Love the idea of a lunchtime club for similar people who are anxious amd alone at lunchtime where they can attend and support each other . It would be so good if the school do something similar although it's not advertised . Maybe it's something they might consider starting .
There is no girl guides where we are I checked that out already but she does attend a dance class she enjoys . She likes drama so I'll see if there is a opening there at school or locally . Her drama teacher gave a glowing report at parents evening and I'm sure I can ask her .
I don't think she or I do anything to make her stand apart . She has lovely well cut long hair . She is clean and showers every day . She is slightly obsessed with how she looks . Her uniform is all there and new . She has a phone but I do monitor it very closely I'm afraid because it was causing more upset that good . She takes things too literally amd was getting really upset on what's app so that's been off now for a few weeks and I don't regret the decision .
She's polite but possibly overly so trying to compliment and check everyone is always okay .

I think what I've learned from this is to ensure we involve the school and try and address this with them together . They will know far better than me I'm sure and have some suggestions .
Also I can see it's still early days, only one term really .
Finally that yes secondary school may have provoked a more obvious possibility of something else going on along the lines of ASD and I am going to have to pull my head out of the sand regarding this and do some research .
Thanks again everyone and sending hugs to all you who are going through similar it's heart breaking .

If she likes drama are there no school.prouctions she could be involved with? That's how my dd made friends when she started a new school knowing no one
.

Hi
Yes they are hoping to do one this year but school put the productions on hold throughout covid . Her drama teacher was going to let us know when the is hopefully starting again and seemed very positive that it would . She should enjoy that thank you .

A diagnosis of ASD could be hugely reassuring. My eldest had a similar issue to your DD and in fact asked to be diagnosed when he was a bit older. Openly talked about why his ASD can make it harder for him to relate to other people and to fit into groups and he can see it's not his fault, any more than if you were dyslexic would make it harder to read. He made a lot of friends at scouts and they are his main group of friends now as an older teen.

I really feel for your daughter. Everyone has made some great suggestions. I would encourage her to join groups outside school as well as inside school.

I have a yr 7 DD who is undiagnosed ASD (older DS was diagnosed when tiny...hence I still refer to ASD & haven't moved with the times ) & the biggest manifestation of it is social anxiety & extreme fear of being judged by her peers.
Most of what you wrote in your OP rings true for us and it's been a really hard term & a half.
We were in the local library at half term & she found this book (an earlier edition of it) on a emotional well-being display. She took it home, read it cover to cover it & announced it had been written just for her! Thought I'd share it....

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, Second Edition: CBT and ACT Skills to Help You Build Social Confidence https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1684038014/ref=cmswwrcppapigltti4EE7BNWSHGZHFH83VEEH

Here is a link to the soon to be out of date copy with all the amazing reviews on it

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens: CBT and ACT skills to Help You Build Social Confidence (An Instant Help Book for Teens) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1608821870/ref=cmswwrawdoonavTaa_R1AWW5869WTEBTBB74SB

High functioning autistic girls have very different traits to the traditional view of autism.

Ask for a referral it can take 3 years.

In the mean time things that helped my similar daughter
Drama club
Volunteering at Beavers
Swimming and Horseriding - both solo activities but you meet others and she helps at the stables
Piano and her hobbies
Lots of love ‘just as she is and acceptance’
Books such as ‘queen bee and wanna bees’ type books to learn and help social dynamics and finding her own within that
Ask her if she wants to invite someone to the cinema if she doesn’t say fine and just take her
Do you have pets - a loving Labrador that sleeps in her room helped mine. One of mine sleeps on her bed each night - don’t knock that warm feeling and the dog is always a friend and pleased to see her. Let her to everything feeding the lot. My elder dog wouldn’t stay in her room as he is ‘mine’ and too bonded to me but the puppy - that was hers.

Hope it helps feel free to pm if I can help. I have a checklist for traits in girls for HFA and book recommendations.

Above all it’s better for her to have one amazing friend then 29 superficial friend and when mine didn’t have any I made sure I was her friend.

@Prettynails

High functioning autistic girls have very different traits to the traditional view of autism.

Ask for a referral it can take 3 years.

In the mean time things that helped my similar daughter
Drama club
Volunteering at Beavers
Swimming and Horseriding - both solo activities but you meet others and she helps at the stables
Piano and her hobbies
Lots of love ‘just as she is and acceptance’
Books such as ‘queen bee and wanna bees’ type books to learn and help social dynamics and finding her own within that
Ask her if she wants to invite someone to the cinema if she doesn’t say fine and just take her
Do you have pets - a loving Labrador that sleeps in her room helped mine. One of mine sleeps on her bed each night - don’t knock that warm feeling and the dog is always a friend and pleased to see her. Let her to everything feeding the lot. My elder dog wouldn’t stay in her room as he is ‘mine’ and too bonded to me but the puppy - that was hers.

Hope it helps feel free to pm if I can help. I have a checklist for traits in girls for HFA and book recommendations.

Above all it’s better for her to have one amazing friend then 29 superficial friend and when mine didn’t have any I made sure I was her friend.

All of this is such good advice. For several years, Ds's best friend truly was the cat. Cat followed him everywhere, slept on his bed, played with him, cuddled him when he was distressed. The cat really did help him through some lonely years and they are still very close. If DS is home form uni none of us see the cat as he is glued to DS's side.

It's OK for them to have animals as friends, to do stuff with family instead of friends etc. Just keep her spirits up, keep her active and doing stuff she enjoys. It's second best but it is way better than sinking into deep anxiety.