Any advice please dd has made no friends at High school

[easterdaffsx]

Id really appreciate any advice please . Dd age 11 has made no friends at secondary school .
At first it was all good as there were lots of activities to encourage new friendships but now she feels isolated and so very sad all the time because everyone seems to have drifted off into friendship groups and she has made no friends . The ones she did make now don't invite her to anything and hide from her when she's coming so she sits in the toilet .
She dreads lunchtime amd break time .
She told me she knows why she has no friends and it's because she's immature, weird and irritating and those were own words and she really believes this .
She has always struggled to make friends and does have some attachment issues. I just don't know where to go from here to support her .
I've asked if there is anyone she wants to invite out for hot chocolate or similar but there is no one she knows well enough . I've suggested she join a lunchtime club but she doesn't want to go alone amd says everyone goes with a friend .
She's an anxious child anyway.
She is so desperate to join in amd do all the things other girls her age are doing amd it's heart breaking seeing her so sad .
She does have friends outside of school but they are the girls in the year below her still at primary . She always got on well with people slightly younger (July baby) and that's been okay at a small primary school .
She also sees amd gets on well with many of my friends children but they all go to different schools (private).
I shouldn't compare with my other dc I know (all grown up now) but they all had such lovely strong friendships I just don't know how to support her with this . I haven't been as present with dd as I was the others as my job now requires a lot of hours so I am looking for other opportunities with less hours but it will take a long time it's not going to happen quickly .
If I move her school will I just be moving the problem ? I've asked her this and she wants stay and discuss that again with me at Easter which I think was quite brave
At the end of half term she really broke down and told me she'd made up being friends with some girls because she didn't want to worry me when I asked so I'm really sorry that my own anxiety has been transferred and I hope I've reassured her that I want to support her 100% and she needs to feel able to talk to me . She literally shakes amd sweats when talking about school . On a positive note she's putting a lot of energy into catching up at school and her grades are reflective of that )
She's having some private cbt with a lovely lady amd we practice mindfulness although possibly not regularly enough .
Sorry for long post and if anyone can offer any suggestions thank you .

Sounds a bit like my son who is autistic. He had a very rocky start , he's got a couple of kids he can talk to and seems to manage. His friends are outside school and are younger than him. Talk to school they should be able to offer coping strategies. I hope your daughter can be happy. I've had to let go of my expectations of friendships for my son, he's actually pretty happy as he is.

Yes when DD was in year 8 when asked what she wanted to do for her birthday she wanted us to go to this dog friendly cafe that did super sized hot chocolate, massive cheese scones and gave the dog some dog treats.

That's not odd Wordwobble .....at least doesn't seem it to me. My daughter y7 went to a cat cafe forever birthday this year. If she could have taken our cats she would!! (We only got the cats during lockdown and they are definitely her best friends).

My y7 daughter would prefer to play with kids younger who play barbies, sylvanian families etc. She's got quite down with the realisation that other girls her age don't want to do that. (We still see some younger friends so at the moment it hasn't 100% gone).

Definitely speak with the school. But also take the pressure off her. Let her know it's OK not to have hundreds of friends at school. It's OK to stay friends with her other friends. Good luck.

This is such helpful advice as I am worried about similar issues when DS goes to secondary school in Sept.

It's been suggested by an Ed psych that he has ASD (although we haven't gone for a diagnosis yet). He currently gets on ok at school but is always "on the edge" of groups. Included but only just, never quite making the "cut" to be included in parties and sleepovers. He'll be moving to a much bigger school with a huge range of extra-curriculars (which he's keen to try), so I'm hoping that he has a good chance of finding a friend with similar interests. But I am still very concerned about history repeating. If there was such a thing as a summer crash course on social skills, I'd be signing him up!

I love the idea of making sure than I'm his friend, even when he has no others, so I'll try to be sure to do this.

Just out of curiosity. Has she been tested for anything.

Sounds like my daughter at that age. She will find her tribe, eventually. The friends my daughter started in secondary, changed to people she hadn't known before to an even different group by the end. As you find yourself, you find people similar to you. She did a lot of activities, team sports, is a good one, as it's a team, and there is no "I" in it. So you have to communicate as one and there is then a bond built. So I would tell her, to bite the bullet and go alone to any or all clubs to see what she likes, forget about what others think. Most clubs, the teachers mix and match you about with similar people. I am very much of the elk, that if you don't want to try something as you think you won't enjoy it, do it anyway as you might be surprised. I instilled that in my kids from a very young age. Fear is a feeling, that passes, you just gotta be brave. Failure isn't bad, not to attempt it for the fear of failure, is. No one rides a bike on the first go, or learns to walk, takes a lot of falling over/off.

Her school also moved the classes about each term, if you were failing, you moved down a class, excelling, moved up, so lessons and children, were not always the same, so you ended up sitting next to different people each term, which also helped her. She ended up with like. Indeed people in relation to studying etc.

My daughter at the age of 17, was diagnosed with ADHD, as girls carry if very difficulty to boys, trouble keeping friends, stressing, feeling awkward socially, we're all signs, but we never connected the dots.

Her friendship group now, all have their own quirks, ADHd, Bi-polar, autistic, dyslexic. It's a right old bunch, but they have an understanding of being different, so don't take others quirks to heart. My daughter has a fast mouth, where brain does not engage with mouth, so she has said it, when in reality, she wishes she hadn't, or even realised she had. So her friends don't take it to heart as they know she didn't mean it, nor does she them. They are now out there loving life. Being different isn't always a bad thing.

I wish her luck on finding her tribe.

oh sending you a big hug first of all.

Yes, I agree that a parents' anxiety might amplify the whole stressful situation, so it's so good you're talking about it. Look after yourself and try to de-stress as much as you can, that'll give your daughter more confidence

It's great that she has friends outside school and I'd keep that up, so there's a feeling of happiness and balance throughout

When my oldest was in a similar situation in YR4 I bought a couple of American girl books (around friendships etc), that helped (and she's now a sociable and happy teen)

we also managed to laugh about ourselves and the situation, so try and keep it light

Can you email a teacher, that's another thing to do

Get chatting to some other parents (which might be tricky in secondary) but you could find a way to the other kids that way

Yes to clubs in school, and maybe even consider befriending kids she hadn't thought about before, once you have one friend you'll feel better and be able to make more friends, it's a catch 22 isn't it

I'd definitely try and get her into a better habit at school, not spending breaks in the bathrooms, maybe got to the library for starters?

Wishing you all the best for this, it will resolve

@accidentalwaffle schools in my area run short summer schools for children that may have a challenge transitioning for whatever reason. The children are normally identified by the primary schools. Ask if there is anything similar at your sons new school. The kids get used to the building before September and meet some other kids. (Last year they were for all the y7 kids as regular transition activities had been cancelled).

My DD we suspect has mild ASD / ADD. She does loads of clubs and just turns up on her own and keeps busy. Her school also have really good provision for anxious kids and also those struggling to find friends. But they may not realise your DD is struggling. Drop the head of Yr7 / transition an email. Ours have been brilliant

@Mumdiva99 thank you - that's really good to know. I'll be sure to ask, and hopefully they have something similar.

My DD is exactly the same. I'd thought independant school would do better in pastrol care hense help more in such situation. Is it true or not? As my feeling during school visit is that they prefer those social DC who is more of their type?

I'm a year 7 tutor in s hool and this is not as uncommon as you may think. I have 2 in my class who we are strategically placing and inviting an d I have two lovely girls keeping an eye and reporting back to me so we can adjust and make changes. One has developed a new friendship with a lovely quiet lass, and one is on the periphery of a new group who had plans over half-term, so waiting to find out how that went.

There are so many things school can do, please contact head of year. We have 'the huts' where they can go during registration and break-time to meet children who are similarly struggling, and lots of lovely teachers who will change seating plans and organise lesson group.work etc.neither kids are aware they are being 'managed' so no extra stress and a confidence boost as they assume they've done it alone.

Wow I've had so much really good advice on here thank you so much .
Thank you too hoisemswaswrong it was reassuring advice from a year 7 teacher.
Dd's form tutor has e mailed me back with a plan going forward and was also going to raise it the year 7 team brief yesterday so all her teachers are aware and can perhaps place her next to potential friendships.
She's come home today with an invite from the deputy head of year 7 for a lunch time club thats she's set up for similar pupils to make friends !
I'm so proud of her because she said she'll go and seems genuinely positive about it .
We've had a some good conversations and hopefully her confidence is improved as she realises they're are options and support there for her .
It's so good to see so much support from the school .

@easterdaffsx

Wow I've had so much really good advice on here thank you so much . Thank you too hoisemswaswrong it was reassuring advice from a year 7 teacher. Dd's form tutor has e mailed me back with a plan going forward and was also going to raise it the year 7 team brief yesterday so all her teachers are aware and can perhaps place her next to potential friendships. She's come home today with an invite from the deputy head of year 7 for a lunch time club thats she's set up for similar pupils to make friends ! I'm so proud of her because she said she'll go and seems genuinely positive about it . We've had a some good conversations and hopefully her confidence is improved as she realises they're are options and support there for her . It's so good to see so much support from the school .

That's lovely news. And so reassuring that she is at a school that recognises the importance of this and acts on it. Sounds like a great school, pastorally.