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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Private to state

36 replies

User199714 · 19/02/2022 00:54

I have name changed for this as I don’t want it linked to other threads.

I am currently in the devastating position of having to move my children from private school to state school as I can no longer afford the fees. I have exhausted all options and this is my only option. I am absolutely broken by this, it is going to destroy the DC and probably irreparably damage our relationship as they will never trust me again. DS is year 7, I think he will be ok, he loves his school but he is still friends with all his primary friends who go to the local state snd I know he is envious of the free time they have (he is out 7 til 7 most days). It’s DD I m most worried about. She’s halfway through year 9 and loves her school, her friends her whole life is around her social group, she doesn’t talk to anyone from primary and doesn’t do any out of school activities.

Has anyone had to do this? Did it work out ok? How did you tell them?

There are no bursaries or hardship funds available, no family that can help, I have no savings and am not able to take a loan. I work 14 hour days Monday to Friday and also do some hours Saturday and Sunday so I can’t take on extra work. I just wanted to clarify there are no other solutions, I just want someone to reassure me it will all be ok as I am utterly destroyed by how badly I have failed them to the point where they would probably be better off if I just disappeared.

OP posts:

alwaystakethetrip · 19/02/2022 03:07

I think you will find that they will cope and that they will understand - they will be upset, but they will always know that you tried to do your best for them - hopefully they will take it in their stride. Hope it all works out ok

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2022 03:22

You can treat it like it's a dreadful torture. Or you can see it as building resilience, tolerance and flexibility in you and your children.

Done right, they will be able to fit in anywhere. Which is an incredible skill. But you have to model it. Stop behaving as if a free, decent education is a curse. And I'd think about looking at the budget and cutting hours and spending time with them while they're still around.

urbanbuddha · 19/02/2022 03:44

I agree with MrsTP. Nobody's dead. It's not a disaster. Explain the circumstances clearly - your daughter is old enough to understand the financial situation. Explain it without drama and don't present it as a tragedy. I agree that you should look at spending less time working if that is possible so you have more family time. Presumably not spending on fees will free up some money for more fun activities. At least this didn't happen in year 10 which would have made GCSEs so much more difficult.

Hercisback · 19/02/2022 07:13

Could you afford to move just him?

Present it as matte of fact. I can't afford it anymore, so you'll be moving school. Make it clear you'll discuss any concerns/worries and will help, however there is not another option.

PurBal · 19/02/2022 07:37

I know loads of people that did this. There are many reasons children move school. It’s the same as any other school move.

AlabamaWorleyyy · 19/02/2022 07:46

Not quite the same but my DS went from private prep to state secondary and it was more than fine. He’s made lovely friends and I’m very happy with the teaching, sport etc.

I understand you are upset about moving happy children but you need a little bit of perspective - this really isn’t the end of the world! Also remember that until now your children have been in a position of massive financial privilege - so be grateful for that rather than dwelling on the fact they’ll now be more like the rest of the country!

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 19/02/2022 07:52

Agree with others - your attitude is key. If they see you rending garments over it, of course they’ll be upset. I don’t mean to minimise the magnitude of the change for your daughter but she’ll be fine!

StrongerOrWeaker · 19/02/2022 07:59

It's good to experience change, make new friendships, meet people from other social circles. It will be a great opportunity!
( I moved schools three times and it was completely fine)

whattodo2019 · 19/02/2022 08:09

It's very hard and i'm so sorry. Please just be 100% honest with the children. It's the only way they will cope
Do you know anyone at the state schools? can you help the kids with friendship groups.

Ibizan · 19/02/2022 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum201014 · 19/02/2022 08:26

You’ve been their role model. You sacrifice so much for them, they understand and will want to do the same to you.

DogsAndGin · 19/02/2022 08:34

Can you maybe sell something to keep DD in? DS sounds like he will be quite happy at state. Maybe sell some jewellery, watches, car? Accept a lodger? Sorry OP, all crappy options, but if you’re desperate, there may be a way!

lunar1 · 19/02/2022 08:45

Is there a way to keep DD in the school? They are in very different places and your DS would transition more easily.

Have you actually spoken to the school yet? The often have assistance they don't publicise.

Original poster

User199714 · 19/02/2022 09:04

Thank you so much for all of the positive comments, you have all made me feel so much better and I hope we will find ourselves in a much brighter place soon. They will definitely benefit from more family time as I will be able to drop a lot of work stuff now and also more fun activities and holidays! Thank you again for all of the positivity, it has really helped.

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/02/2022 15:18

They’ll be ok, you haven’t failed them and don’t let them thinking of going to a state school as a failure.

Anonzymouth76 · 20/02/2022 21:46

I was in your children’s position as a child (Y7) where, due to the 90s recession, my parents could no longer afford the fees. My school offered my parents a scholarship for me but not my sister and my parents declined as it wasn’t fair to move my sister but not me. I am glad now as the resentment from sister would have been awful otherwise. Admittedly, I was nervous at the time and joining my local state school felt a little alien for one or two days. There was more class and ethnic diversity, larger classes, it was less formal in that we didn’t all have to stand up every time a teacher entered the classroom and greet them. However, I made some lifelong friends in my first week at school. I am also forever grateful for the opportunity my private junior school gave me. I was far ahead of my classmates when I joined my new school and had to adjust myself to fit in, but not in a bad way. I actually developed a lot more confidence in my new environment, went on to do very well academically and would not have changed it if I could. I never once blamed my parents for “failing me”, “letting me down” and I sincerely hope your children do not look at it that way. I fondly look back at having had the best of both worlds and besides the few things I mention above, there wasn’t much else between them. You can only try your best and you are working your socks off as it is. Don't beat yourself up over a situation that is not in your control.

Boombastic22 · 20/02/2022 21:53

Your children will be fine and you haven’t failed them. They may well be happier as they have a mother who is actually around. A lot of make the choice to choose state schools it’s hardly the end of the world.

House2022 · 21/02/2022 12:55

I understand it's an upsetting situation to be in but do look at the positives and the relief this move will bring. I think moving both children would be the best so you can have more leeway financially and also timing wise, it is too risky if you struggle on but eventually have to move your daughter in GCSE years.
Going to private school may give a nice schooling experience but it's absolutely not essential. A happy parent is so much more important. Your DD can still keep in touch with her current friends.
I wish your children a smooth transition and a great start at their new school!

Grantanow · 21/02/2022 13:08

This is hardly a disaster. Move them both to state, explain why, accept their disappointment and support them in making new friends. Use any released fee money constructively for them. No-one would deny that private education has advantages but state education is also good.

OsmiumPhazer · 27/02/2022 09:19

I am certain it will be totally fine (provided that you keep a sense of perspective)
Personally I believe that your children are in a very FORTUNATE position where they will have the experience of both types of schooling, and be able to talk about it later in their lives.
By now their personalities would have been more or less framed already, they won't necessarily change who they are (although they may try and fit in)
Just try and stay positive, and stop fretting over nothing.

AlexaShutUp · 27/02/2022 09:27

Goodness, stop catastrophising OP.

It will be hard for them to be separated from their friends, yes, but lots of kids have to move school and you're not leaving the area so they can still see their old friends. They will cope with that aspect.

As far as the schools are concerned, they will be fine. Neither of them are in exam years. They will adapt.

They will take their cue on this from you. If you present it as a disaster, then they will buy into that. If you simply explain the facts, they are old enough to understand. Of course they won't want to move if they're happy where they are, but that's life sometimes.

daisypond · 27/02/2022 09:27

My child moved from private to state because we couldn’t afford the fees. She stayed till the end of the school year and started a local comprehensive in the September. She did know a couple of people at the comprehensive from primary school. It was fine. She already knew people who had had much worse things happen - parents dying, for example, or parents losing their house etc.

Jovanka · 27/02/2022 09:31

My DCs are state-educated so I don’t have direct experience.

Neither of them were offered a place at their first-choice secondary school (also state). And at the time I remember reading on here advice to identify what it is you like about the school that you did not get and try to replicate that outside the school environment.

In your case, you will have some money freed up to spend on replicating what your children would have had at their current school - music, sports, tutoring, trips, etc. Less simple with your DD and her friends of course. But I agree with others in try to present this to them as positively as possible. Will your DD still be able to take the same GCSE options at her new school?

RedskyThisNight · 27/02/2022 11:01

I suggest you need to look at your own reaction. You need to move your child from one school to another. No one died. Your DC are more likely to manage the transition if you don't throw words like "devastating" around.

They can keep in touch with their friends through social media, and are old enough to sort out meeting up regularly. And they will hopefully enjoy the benefits of a less stressed out parent and more disposable cash to do other things.

ebino546 · 27/02/2022 11:31

Agree with many previous posters. You are absolutely not failing your children by sending them to a state school. Provided you set aside this notion immediately then they should be fine. I'm sure they'll make new friends and will appreciate the extra attention from you. Depending on how good their new school is (and indeed how good their current one is) you may well also find it isn't actually wildly different in terms of the overall educational experience. You might just be pleasantly surprised!

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