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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

WWYD. Co-ed school. Only one twin offered place

44 replies

twinsdilemma · 03/02/2022 21:56

We have boy/girl twins and have applied for some independent schools. One of them is a co-Ed. Our daughter has been offered a place there. Our son hasn't - he has been put on the waiting list. We've not yet told them this. This was the school they both love. I realise each child should be judged on their own merit and twins shouldn't get special treatment but in this instance I actually wish they'd been treated as one and either both get in or neither! Any fellow twin parents out there who've had something similar happen? Anyone know how likely you are to get a place from a waiting list? They've said they'll get in touch after the closing date for acceptances. We have contacted the school asking to have a chat. Waiting to hear back. Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
sunshineclouds24 · 03/02/2022 22:30

I'm sorry to hear OP, what a tricky situation.
Are the dd and ds of the same academic ability, ie did you expect them to achieve different results? Have your single sex schools given out offers yet so you have a selection of schools to choose from?

If you are in the Surrey / SW London area there are more places for girls than boys so it can make it a difficult process for someone in your situation.

Waiting lists do move but only by tiny amounts before the early March acceptance deadline.

Original poster
twinsdilemma · 03/02/2022 22:36

Thanks for the reply. They're similar academically. Daughter been offered places at both other schools. Waiting to hear about the all-boys. Which of course makes it worse. We are hoping to hear in next few days about the all boys so should know more. If he doesn't get any offers then I guess we have to pin our hopes on the waiting list. If he does then yes at least we have other options. It's just so hard having to tell them one got in and the other didn't. Not going to be a great atmosphere between them!

OP posts:
sunshineclouds24 · 03/02/2022 22:44

Once you hear about the all boys option you can decide on your tactics with the co-Ed school as you can't go in too heavy promising the instant payment of deposits for both dc if you aren't sure if your dd will accept.

It you are already clear that you will accept both places and pay the deposits immediately if offered the WL place then put this in writing to the school.

Original poster
twinsdilemma · 03/02/2022 22:47

Thanks so much. That's really helpful advice. Appreciate it.

OP posts:
paname · 03/02/2022 22:58

I'd call the school and push a bit. Explain that this is absolutely your number 1 choice for both your children and if they were to offer both kids a place you'd accept straight away. You've got to be a bit pushy here OP. You have nothing to lose especially if they are very close academically. Perhaps point to his CAT scores/academic record?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 03/02/2022 23:03

Don’t deprive your DD of the chance to go to this school just because DS hasn’t got in. Surely you prepared them both for something like this occurring?

Florabritannica · 03/02/2022 23:06

I have a friend who had exactly the same experience, at a very competitive school, except that the waitlisted twin was significantly less academic. She basically told the school that she hoped to have them both in the same place and wouldn’t be able to accept for one until the whole process had run its course elsewhere and she knew the whole picture.
At this point a place for the second twin suddenly appeared.

Florabritannica · 03/02/2022 23:07

Also - would their current headteacher be prepared to make a call to the prospective school?

User8721643839 · 03/02/2022 23:10

Please don't separate them! It could be devastating to their relationship - for ever

Iwonderifiwonderwhy · 03/02/2022 23:18

Well that was mean of the school 😐

So they’re saying you have to decide on whether to accept DD’s place before you know if they’re offering DS a place. How tricky. I think I would push in the phone call for this to be treated as a very unusual situation and for you to have a few days time extension to accept DD’s place so that you know if there are likely to be waiting list places.

If they say no it all comes down to how much DD liked the school. I’d probably send her there and pin my hopes on the wait list. But what is frustrating is the wait listnis completely up to them. They can make space if they want to. And it’s not done by distance obvs so where would he be on the wait list, first place or one hundred? It all sounds very stressful good luck!!

Is there really no other private co ed in the area?? Maybe further away?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 04/02/2022 01:05

@User8721643839

Please don't separate them! It could be devastating to their relationship - for ever
Don’t be so dramatic.

My younger sisters are twins and when our parents split, one went with DM, one with DF, meaning they didn’t even live together from age 12, let alone go to school together.

Not all twins are super close, and even if they are, secondary is the perfect time to let them explore who they are in their own right and not just as “twins”

BuanoKubiamVej · 04/02/2022 01:13

I think it would be reasonable to contact the school and say that your decision on whether to accept the place for your DD cannot possibly be made without knowledge of whether or not your DS has a place. Clearly you cannot hold or have the appearance of holding one twin above the other for anything and making a decision about schools for one without the other would be wrong.

You could ask them to allow you a different deadline for your DD - to allow you to hold the place without deciding until after their normal deadline and their second round of offers, so that you can know for certain what the options are for both twins before you decide.

I suspect that if you made thar request they might magically find an offer for your DS without you having to wait.

Original poster
twinsdilemma · 04/02/2022 07:27

Thank you everyone. No idea how to reply to individual posts.

Yes we prepared them for this. Doesn't make it any easier.

I have no issues with splitting them. In fact in some ways I'd prefer for them to go to different schools. But this was the favourite for both of them.

Thanks for sharing your story of your sisters living separately. That must have been a tough decision but you're right twins don't have to be together.

I really appreciate all the advice. This has helped us enormously. It does feel a little mean. If he's good enough for a waiting list then surely he's good enough to get in.

Massive thanks again

OP posts:
Missey85 · 04/02/2022 07:38

I'd let your did go to the school your son can go somewhere else at this age its probably better to separate them so they can have their own friends just because their twins they don't have to do everything together their separate people not joined at the hip

jeanne16 · 04/02/2022 07:55

I’d accept one of the single sex schools for your DD and hope to get an offer from one of the boys schools for your DS. Then they both go to separate single sex schools. At age 11, they can’t really decide on which is the best school and this will make family life easier. There is never only one right school, regardless of what some people on this site say.

DonGray · 04/02/2022 09:29

Are you at a private primary? If so what does your Headteacher have to say about it?

Original poster
twinsdilemma · 04/02/2022 10:26

Not at a private primary no.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 04/02/2022 11:37

You shouldn't say dd can't go the school is ds doesn't get in, if you were prepared to have them at different school anyway.
That would be a quick way to make her resent him.

tentooneon · 04/02/2022 15:46

Tbh I don't really think it's mean of the school. To an extent, you can't have your cake and eat it too - if you want your twins to be treated as individuals at school generally, then you need to accept that they will be treated as individuals in this context as well. And to those saying 'if your DS is good enough for the waiting list then he's good enough for a place' - well yes, but if they're an oversubscribed school with other applicants who are even more suitable for a place, then it's not fair to deprive one of those children of an offer for the sake of a twin admission. However, I do agree with the PPs that you should definitely contact the school and confirm that it's your first choice and that you would definitely accept the WL place if offered. They've probably got plenty of children on the WL that they're unsure about, and I imagine they'd much rather offer to a safe bet.

ambushedbywine · 04/02/2022 16:00

Personally I wouldn’t tell them until you know if son gets a place. I wouldn’t even consider it as an option for one and not the other

Dailytoil · 04/02/2022 16:29

In my opinion, you should treat the twins as individuals. If the co-ed school is the best place for your dd, then send her there and your ds to the best alternative. If a place arises from the waiting list, then switch your ds to the co-ed too.
My dd went to a super selective co-ed independent. Her best friend was a twin. The twin's sister hadn't got into the school and so had gone to an alternative. Both twins very happy during school years and got broadly the same results at GCSE and A level. Now studying at the same university!

BenjiMcSchmenzie · 04/02/2022 16:44

@paname

I'd call the school and push a bit. Explain that this is absolutely your number 1 choice for both your children and if they were to offer both kids a place you'd accept straight away. You've got to be a bit pushy here OP. You have nothing to lose especially if they are very close academically. Perhaps point to his CAT scores/academic record?
Oh please don’t do this. I work in admissions at an independent senior school; it won’t make a blind bit of difference as the school will already have obtained references and CAT scores for your son, and this will just mark you out as being THAT parent. This situation arises loads with twins and parents never take it well, but the school is absolutely right to treat the twins as individuals.
Original poster
twinsdilemma · 04/02/2022 16:49

Thanks again for all the advice and views. We are working out all options and I can see all sides. And I really don't expect us to get preferential treatment. Thanks.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 05/02/2022 09:56

@twinsdilemma

I was just thinking, which might help you a little.
I was at (co-ed) school where there was a lad who we found out part way through the first term had a twin sister at a different (all girls) school.
I don't imagine that she didn't get in, so a different situation.
She actually then joined the school in the 6th form, and my memories were that it was probably good for both of them to be separated. He was quiet (but reasonably confident) whereas she was very extrovert. She also tended to both fuss and dominate him if they were together. I'm not sure he'd have got that inner confidence if she'd been around all the time.

I don't know your twins so don't know their personalities, but you may find it a good thing.

Adastraperaspera · 05/02/2022 10:16

The waiting lists at private schools can be very fluid… They do not have to follow strict criteria like state schools based on scores alone.
Try and get assurance in writing that your DS will go to the top of the waiting list if you accept for your DD, for example they might have a “soft” sibling criteria?
Also perhaps ask how much they have over offered to get an idea of how many waiting list places there might be. If it is a competitive area including grammars then often there is lots of movement.

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