WWYD. Co-ed school. Only one twin offered place

[twinsdilemma]

We have boy/girl twins and have applied for some independent schools. One of them is a co-Ed. Our daughter has been offered a place there. Our son hasn't - he has been put on the waiting list. We've not yet told them this. This was the school they both love. I realise each child should be judged on their own merit and twins shouldn't get special treatment but in this instance I actually wish they'd been treated as one and either both get in or neither! Any fellow twin parents out there who've had something similar happen? Anyone know how likely you are to get a place from a waiting list? They've said they'll get in touch after the closing date for acceptances. We have contacted the school asking to have a chat. Waiting to hear back. Thanks for reading this far.

Also if it feels a little “mean” are you sure you are still keen on this school? Sometimes they show their true colours in this kind of thing especially if your children really are at the same level academically.

It could have been oversight (very busy for admissions departments and they can get things wrong) or it could point clearly to their ethos of only caring about results/filling their girl places etc.

Thanks for the extra comments. They are very different personality wise. I'm also coming round to thinking it's not mean. It's fair. They have to be treated as individuals and not have special treatment for being twins. Not easy to be on the receiving end of it but hey that's life with twins. So not letting it change our view of the school. We plan on making the right decision for my daughter and see what will happen for my son. He's now on the waiting list for 3 schools. It's super competitive out there. Fingers crossed things move. He was sad when we told him but is being very resilient. It will all come out in the wash as they say.

If in London you may find that the bar is lower for girls. For example in West London girls can choose between Putney, Wimbledon and Nottinghill and Ealing High schools, SPGS, G&L, Queensgate, 2x FH, Queens College, St James and more. So the competition for Latymer Upper is not as tough. In contrast SPS and Westminster have relatively few 11+ places and there reall are not many alternatives bar the co-Ed’s.

The admissions officer is your new best friend. Write a lovely letter saying you understand that they have to treat each application on its own merits. Your DS loved the school and if offered a place would grab it with both hands. You would like to stay on the waitlist.

Then a follow up email every month or so, restating your interest. Ie on state school allocation day, on the first day of the summer term, and soon. You may lose a deposit/first term fees elsewhere but if you persist you will have a reasonable chance as others on the wait list will lose interest.and of course the school want you as a parent because you are so lovely and understanding.

This often happens with regular non twin siblings very cl

Very close in age. When they were tiny I could not image DD & DS at different schools. By age 9/10 I totally could. I may even choose it as then both get unique experience

Where is he in the wait list, if near the top then it's not unlikely he'll get a space. Other dc already with spaces will be waiting for decisions from other schools too. Good luck

@Needmoresleep

If in London you may find that the bar is lower for girls. For example in West London girls can choose between Putney, Wimbledon and Nottinghill and Ealing High schools, SPGS, G&L, Queensgate, 2x FH, Queens College, St James and more. So the competition for Latymer Upper is not as tough. In contrast SPS and Westminster have relatively few 11+ places and there reall are not many alternatives bar the co-Ed’s.

The admissions officer is your new best friend. Write a lovely letter saying you understand that they have to treat each application on its own merits. Your DS loved the school and if offered a place would grab it with both hands. You would like to stay on the waitlist.

Then a follow up email every month or so, restating your interest. Ie on state school allocation day, on the first day of the summer term, and soon. You may lose a deposit/first term fees elsewhere but if you persist you will have a reasonable chance as others on the wait list will lose interest.and of course the school want you as a parent because you are so lovely and understanding.

No no no no no.

Don’t badger the admissions officer. We will never be your new best friend. If we have a place for your child we will let you know; we have already noticed that you’ve applied for 2 children and we’ve only offered a place to one, you know…!!

I’m not sure if it’s hilarious or insulting to see how so many parents on this thread seem to think that admissions officers don’t know how to do their jobs!

As a fellow admissions officer, I respectfully disagree. Of course, there's a point at which contact tips over into badgering, but actually I find it very helpful to know which parents on the waiting list still really want a place, vs those who aren't that keen, who are probably going state anyway, or who are really wanting another school. If I've got two v similarly able pupils on the waiting list, I would rather offer to the one who really wants it than the one who'll um and ah for a bit and then decline. No, the admissions officer will never be your best friend - but occasional contact to show how keen you are is (I think) a good idea. Even in a sibling situation, you might prefer a different school for the child who's on the WL, so it's not necessarily obvious that you're desperate for the place.

Thanks so much to admissions officers for replying. So helpful to see different perspectives. I can assure you I won't go overboard in any way!

@BenjiMcSchmenzie I was, carefully, suggesting an polite email every month or so to reconfirm interest. That is hardly badgering. I was specifically suggesting that demand for girls and boys might be different, hence why one might get a place, and the other not.

And I was suggesting be nice and respect the professional judgement that has been made. I did enough observing to postulate that schools like constructive and supportive, but not demanding, parents. And as they drill down the wait list the obvious differences in ability are tiny. So other factors come into play.

My understanding is that a lot on the wait list will lose interest. Either because they get offered a state school place or because they have paid a deposit and are liable for a terms fees at another school.

There is an issue for admissions officers. First I am not convinced that a wait list is in strict order. Schools want a balance of those with different aptitudes, including extra curricular. But as they get closer to the start of the academic year, and particularly into the summer holidays, they become more interested in those who are likely to accept the place. Rather than offer to the next on the list with a high probability that they will sit on it for two weeks then reject.

Do tell me if I am wrong.

FWIW, dd got through a Westminster sixth form wait list, for STEM subjects, which was unusual. These subjects were in demand and there would have been a lot of good applicants on the wait list. So a careful email explaining that this was the only sixth form she had applied to, and that she would certainly accept if offered as the school was within walking distance, and her brother had been very happy there so perfect. Otherwise she would stay where she was. And hey presto…a place.

@Needmoresleep WRT my school - yes, you’re wrong. We are hugely oversubscribed and we have parents approaching us all year round, so we have a steady supply of high-quality applicants to choose from. Our main criterion is how the child did in our entrance exam. Emailing me every month won’t make a blind bit of difference.

Westminster is clearly different.

To me, an email every month IS demanding, I appreciate that others may see it differently. But I am hugely overworked, and additional emails and phone calls just slow me down. If we have a space, I will tell you!

Interesting. Perhaps it depends on the school, where it is and how high it often is on people’s preferences. And the extent to which they rank by entrance exam as opposed to other things: interview, school reference, extra curricular, etc.

At 11+ in London, applicants may have applied for a number of schools. Some will be first choice for most, others just for some. As time progresses most will have given up on any waitlists they were still on, other than one or two extremely sought after schools. Often forgetting to inform the registrar. As tentooneon suggests, life is easier if the place offered is accepted. A friend’s DD wanted to go to a particular school. All her friends got in, she didn’t. The parents made clear that they would forfeit the deposit and first terms fees for the school they had accepted. And yes, an hour after that deadline they got a call saying there was a place available. The daughter was very happy there and went on to be head girl. In contrast a couple of years earlier we knew people on the waitlist for the same school, who received an offer half way through the summer term. They thought hard for a couple of weeks and decided to pass, meaning the place had to then be offered to someone probably by then even less likely to accept.

I would have thought that having a short email confirming continued interest would help decide between two applicants of very similar ability. And not take up too much time.

This clearly does not apply everywhere. Grammar schools, say, will rely on exam performance and go down their lists in strict order, some still retaining their wait list beyond September.

I think there's a balance to be struck. An email a month is too much, I would say - you're not trying to sell your child, just to let the school know you're keen. But one initial email, with perhaps a follow up a few weeks later (perhaps around state school offer day), is a good idea IMO.

We're always v oversubscribed with a long WL, but we've got some very good independents nearby, plus some strong state options, so we're always going to be second choice for some. To me, it's a 'knowledge is power' thing - the more we know about the candidates (their exam scores, their interview performance, any additional info, plus how much they want the place), the more likely we are to be able to put together the intake we want that year.

Its a shame its this way round. There is evidence to suggest that girls benefit far more from single sex education and that boys benefit from co-ed. Girls do better socially and academically without boys, boys do pretty much the same academically either way but benefit socially from having girls around.

@twinsdilemma , did you get your places sorted in the end or are you waiting for movement on WL after tomorrow? I hope it all works out.

@paname

I'd call the school and push a bit. Explain that this is absolutely your number 1 choice for both your children and if they were to offer both kids a place you'd accept straight away. You've got to be a bit pushy here OP. You have nothing to lose especially if they are very close academically. Perhaps point to his CAT scores/academic record?

yes I'd do this.

Wait until you have heard back from all the other schools. Don't panic. Accept her place and keep him on the waiting list. So many places become available on waiting lists. You will need to notify them straight away that you wish for your son to remain on the waiting list. Be decisive over that.

You seem to be handling it just fine, OP. If you haven't already, you could easily tell your DS that the co-ed school was trying to balance boy/girl numbers or some such (I was in a similar situation once, and told both DC that there was much more competition for places for one gender, so it was harder for schools to choose between so many strong candidates of that gender, and it was no reflection on them.

I'd accept the place if you think it's the best fit for your DD (though as a slight aside, my experience of single sex independent schools is much more positive than that of co-ed. Both have advantages, but single sex cuts out some quite significant issues for boys and girls alike).