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Secondary education

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Original poster

Moving from state to private year 8

42 replies

parrotonmyshoulder · 04/12/2021 10:52

Anyone’s DC experienced this and so you have any advice. Trying to make a very difficult decision for DD who is very unhappy at school. All best efforts on our and her part to improve the situation are unsuccessful. Her mental health and self esteem are suffering, as is her academic attainment.
There are no state options apart from one school very similar in size to the current one, which is an hour away. It is a better school academically and pastorally.
There is a private school that I am considering. With significant sacrifices (more around futures than present), we can afford it. I know that in many ways it will be better. Small classes, academic focus etc. My worry is that the children will be in such established friendship groups that it will be just as hard for her there. I think I’m overthinking and haven’t expressed this to her of course.
Any words of wisdom or advice?
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotonmyshoulder · 04/12/2021 10:53

Excise typos! Didn’t check!

OP posts:
zafferana · 04/12/2021 10:58

You're definitely overthinking OP. The DC in your DD's class have only had one year to settle in themselves and some of that was disrupted by lockdowns, so if the school seems right for your DD, move her and don't give it a second thought. My experience is that it takes even the most gregarious DC at least half a term or so to settle in at a new school, so don't panic if she doesn't immediately like it.

zafferana · 04/12/2021 10:59

Re: the state/private thing - again don't worry. Masses of DC move from a state primary to an independent secondary.

SeasonFinale · 04/12/2021 11:02

Many independents have another intake at year 9 anyway as preps go up to year 8 so even if she goes now there will be a whole set-off newbies in year 9 potentially.

HighRopes · 04/12/2021 11:02

IME (London, so mobile population) there’s movement in private schools in Y7,8,9, so it won’t be that unusual. My dd had 2/3 girls leave and new ones start in each of those years. The school is quite used to it, and the smaller classes and tutor groups definitely help with keeping an eye on how they’re settling in.

Lentil63 · 04/12/2021 11:07

You could be talking about my elder son. We moved him in year 8 from state to private and he was so much happier, went on to become head boy and is now a very happy GP with a family of his own. My younger son followed on to the school in year 7 and is still very good friends with a boy who came in year 8. Hope that helps.

mdh2020 · 04/12/2021 11:23

My GD is at a private school where they seem to shuffle the classes every year so the two new girls in her class are in the same situation as everyone else. I remember a girl joining our class in year 8 or 9 and I just looked at her and thought ‘she’s mine’. We became lifelong friends.

Irishfarmer · 04/12/2021 11:57

I moved from Ireland to England at the end of primary school. We start secondary here in yr 8. So missed yr 7. I settled in quickly and easily. Friendship groups had been formed but I found one that "fit" easily. Also because I was the new student I don't remember being alone/ lonely until I found good friends as everyone wanted to meet the new girl.

naaaahhh · 04/12/2021 12:18

Academically you have nothing to worry about at all, there will be no difference. In terms of social life it is more dependent on the type of private school. The big elite ones might be more difficult to infiltrate in year 8, it will just take time. Small cozy one should be much easier.

Rosemaryandlemon · 04/12/2021 12:25

She will be fine, but if you have any concerns have a chat with the HOY. I guarantee they will probably give her a "buddy" to look after her when she starts to show her round etc.

Move her. It sounds like you've been really sensible and taken appropriate actions to try and resolve the situation in the current school and it hasn't worked. As someone who was miserable in secondary school, move her. I still carry the psychological scars of being somewhere I was miserable for 7 years.

DoubleTweenQueen · 04/12/2021 12:43

At both DDS schools new starters appear quite regularly - at year start and within years sometimes. There is a lot of shuffling to find the right setting before being happy that children are in the right place before GCSE studies.
At independent schools, main intakes are yr7, yr9 (prep schools go up to yr8), and sixth-form.
All new starters are welcomed, make friends, and settle in. Not significant that some may be from state or indy, although some of the prep kids will generally move up en masses so have good friendship groups already established. Both my girls are from state initially, and hasn't made any difference to how theyve settled and how happy they are

I would take your DD to the schools you're considering and get a feel for where might be best fit for her
Check out the curriculum offered - how many and which modern foreign languages are taught and the opportunity for all students to study all three separate sciences if they demonstrate the ability, how many GCSEs would be available to take, potential for subject mix in timetable for example - may be more flexibility in a larger school, or be down to better funding in Indy.

I would say, in both our Indys, they are more individual-focussed and supportive, and also the soft skills and critical thinking are explored much earlier on.

DoubleTweenQueen · 04/12/2021 12:47

Can I also say that many children move schools due to unhappiness or bullying in a previous school. It happens more than you might think. Your DD is not unusual in that sense, and I wish you both a much happier future.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2021 18:33

I would not necessarily say a small class is a benefit if DC are already friends with each other. However pleasant DC will be open to welcoming a new classmate and she should fit in.

I would though, take a moment to consider what the problem is at the moment. Private school DC are not necessarily nicer! Larger state schools have their share of nice DC too. So why did she find it so difficult? Was there no one like her? Try and find a school which matches her interests and attributes but don’t expect privately educated DC to be angels. Be realistic about any move.

Original poster
parrotonmyshoulder · 04/12/2021 18:39

Was there no one like her? Try and find a school which matches her interests and attributes but don’t expect privately educated DC to be angels. Be realistic about any move.

Gosh, I’m not that naive! But thank you.
There are lots of reasons why it hasn’t worked out, and 4 terms of DD and me trying to fix it have failed. I’m not expecting angelic children. But I am expecting some caring staff.

OP posts:
NotKnowingArseFromElbow · 04/12/2021 19:18

I'd move her. It's early in y8, so I'd do it soon. Even before Christmas so she can knows some faces when she joins properly in Jan.

If she's already unhappy at school....what's to lose by moving her. Make a huge effort to invite kids over to your house for dinner/movie.

Fastforwardtospring · 04/12/2021 19:35

Moved DD Yr 9, a few weeks ago, should have moved her in Yr 8 but we worked with the school, ok for a bit then she was failed miserably (bullying), she’s gone from 270 per year intake to 70 per year intake, not private, but an awkward out the way school, accessible by bus or car only. The DC have been nothing but welcoming, by day 3 she was feeling settled, she’s gone from hating school to loving it, all the DC there want to learn. I wouldn’t hesitate, I wish we’d done it sooner.

Onceuponatimethen · 04/12/2021 19:37

@parrotonmyshoulder I don’t think the pp was trying to be mean, though it sounds like you’ve thought through expectations more than I had. I moved my kids from state to private although at prep age and I realise now I did subconsciously think the mood would fix all issues. I’m afraid in my dds’ school we haven’t found the staff more caring. All independent schools are very good at marketing.

What are the concerns at the moment? Is it bullying?

Original poster
parrotonmyshoulder · 04/12/2021 20:09

I appreciate they’re good at marketing. I literally have no other school options and this one is a good enough fit I think.
The issues are no friends and no support from school to facilitate building friendships, poor behaviour that makes her afraid, safeguarding issues that have made her afraid, uninspiring lessons as too much time is taken up dealing with behaviour, insidious bullying preventing engagement in lessons as she doesn’t want to be noticed, no safe/ nice place to go at breaktimes, no support for her minor (ish) SEN…
I have sought to address each ans every difficulty repeatedly with the school. I have no ideas left.

OP posts:
averythinline · 04/12/2021 20:19

My DS moved from yr 8 i was worried as well but it turned out ok - a lot of teh kids had only had a year together 5 of them joined in yr 8 - the school were really good and spread tehm about but did some intro sessions - they had buddies highher up the school -
more kids join in yr 9 in private which is very common - also other kids left due parent moves etc so they were used to people coming and going
so things that worked - no making a massive fuss
ds and dh went together for a tour and really liked it
(i'd seen the school as had considered for yr7 but wanted to try local state first)
the schools attitude to ds joining was fab they did test/interviews and really listened to dS asked his opinion on stuff
he had a taster day....

ideally if you have a couple of options i woudl show her both - we didn't but DS so miserable at his current would have been ok with anywhere i think!

so involve your DD but always miantain the dialogue that this is your decision - this helped DS when he bumped into other kids locally who asked why he moved... he could say his parents chose it....
he has come back to a different school for 6th form due to the subects he wanted to study but it was a great move for him ...
he got his gcse that he needed to move on through a pndemic and the school was really good and caring....

averythinline · 04/12/2021 20:23

also re SEN one of our issues was that ds had 'mild' SEN not bad enough for support in teh state school due to funding/demands (the staff were great but all support kept getting pushed back) but enough to get grief - he didnt need explicit support in the private school as the classes so much smaller/calmer - there were also a lot more quirky kids there so he didnt stand out... quirky, quiet, non sporty boys who werent really bright/nerdy had no tribe in his big state school

Onceuponatimethen · 04/12/2021 22:07

Op I’m so sorry and I know that feeling. My honest answer to your question is that it may be just as difficult for her there if she is quirky like my dc.

That said, I think when a dc is really at the end of their tether sometimes a move can really help. It sounds as though it couldn’t be worse and might be better, so a risk worth taking?

dalrympy · 05/12/2021 10:07

DD is at an independent school and they have had kids join throughout the senior years. It hasn't been a problem at all.

MsTSwift · 05/12/2021 10:09

Several lovely girls firmly in dd1 friendship group who joined in year 8 from other schools our school state but strict and all girl

Madcats · 05/12/2021 10:19

Particularly thanks to Covid/international issues there seem to be lots of families returning to England or moving out of London and enrolling at our local Indies. There is also a bit of movement prior to starting GCSEs.

Obviously some schools are more static, but so many children have "been there themselves" that newbies are positively welcomed.

Just another observation, but does your daughter have interests outside school? We've found it really helpful to have an external friendship group (so happiness isn't 100% dependent on school). Are there any clubs she could join?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 05/12/2021 10:41

She will be fine OP. My DD is in Yr 9 at a private school and there have been leavers and joiners since yr 7. I also think she will make friends easily. All the new girls at DDs school have settled well and made new friends it would seem. Also they have come in from both state and independent schools.

Definitely move her if you can manage it. Nothing worse than being so unhappy where she is. Good luck.

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