Transition from primary to secondary - anyone struggling

[prettydesertflower]

My DC moved from a small family-orientated primary school to a demanding very academic high performing secondary. They are quite demanding academically and socially. All DCs reports say they are polite, respectful and well-behaved. They have made loads of friends and work hard with their home work.

Due to the demands of the school (behavior-wise, academically and in sport), the poor kid feels a huge amount of pressure and is very anxious about school. He even wet himself poor thing the other day...

During half term, he told me he hates school which he has never done before.

This is of course stressing me out to the point my blood pressure went up significantly. I am at my wit's end as on the one hand we wanted him to be in an academically strong school but don't know how to support him. I am all for a school having high expectations so support the philosophy. Just didn't know it would be this hard for him.

Is it just a transition thing? How long did it take for your DCs to settle into school? All the other mums seem over the moon happy with everything and say their kids have settled.

I feel like I am the only mum who is in this position in the class. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I have never had a child in Senior school so don't really know how to navigate this one.

I dont know the answer but I would be questioning how demanding they are being in the first half term of year 7. If it really is very full on maybe it is not the best fit for your child. Is it a private school? My son is new to year 7 and the teachers are mostly happy if they remember their pencil case and find the right class room in the first half term.

I think it can take the whole of year 7 but the bed wetting is concerning, have a word with his form tutor?

It sounds like it might not be the right fit. There is no 'best' school, just the best one for your individual child.

Have you/ he talked to anyone at the school about how he is feeling?

For some reason your sons outlash at saying he hates school triggers bullying of some kind and possibly not yet finding his tribe.

The wetting his pants may have been other kids blocking his personal needs as a prank for embrassment, further creating desire not to return. If your DS is quiete, mild mannered, could be an easy target.

Was the school you chosen based on academic stretch vs good fit?

@Hellocatshome

I dont know the answer but I would be questioning how demanding they are being in the first half term of year 7. If it really is very full on maybe it is not the best fit for your child. Is it a private school? My son is new to year 7 and the teachers are mostly happy if they remember their pencil case and find the right class room in the first half term.

I would absolutely second this - and I have a Y7 child in a highly academic independent school. In our case, the school are keeping the boys busy and engaged but they are by no means piling on the pressure, neither are they being particularly demanding at this stage of the term. It has been a very nurturing, supportive introduction.

Do you feel your DS's school IS actually being overly demanding, OP - or do you think it's more that your DS is a sensitive soul who was at a very small nurturing primary school and has found secondary a bit of a shock? Is it a private or grammar school, or a very academic state secondary?

If you feel it is more that he's sensitive, and piling pressure on himself, it is probably worth raising with school to see what support they can offer him. His report clearly suggests that he is meeting the required standards from the school's perspective, after all - but he might just require some additional emotional support and reassurance from teachers and they should be willing to support as necessary.

To be fair, it is quite common for DC to be a bit bunny in the headlights when they get to secondary - especially if they have been effortlessly top or near the top of their class academically in primary school, and especially if their primary school was very small. For some DC it's just a big adjustment.

However, your DS is wetting himself and demonstrating extreme anxiety - and that suggests that either something else is going on that he's not telling you, or perhaps that an intensely academic, demanding environment is not actually right for him.

In your place I would definitely be raising this with the school and asking what they can do to support him. Form tutor would be a good first port of call.

Good luck OP, it's horrible when you see your DC struggling, I hope things settle for him soon.

These are really helpful. He is in an academically demanding and highly performing state school.

He is a sensitive soul who went to a very nurturing small primary school.

If he is under lots of stress at school, he is the type to try to endure so as not to upset his teachers but I think I need to speak to the housemaster with my concerns.

The comment about remembering their pencil case made me smile. He tends to forget something every day!

Re pencil case he has one in his bag that he never removes outside of school, have a double of everything at home, that is what they use then they never forget the pencil case.

Get him to check his planner every morning to remind himself of anything extra he needs to bring, have a copy or copies of his timetable in several places in the house.

If he needs some kind of tick list, create one. I do think at the beginning of year 7 they lay the law down hard. In primary if you mess around in class you miss 5 minutes of your break time. Hardly a punishment when you get to sit near the teachers who are all talking about grown up things that might be very interesting. You mess around in class in year 7 you will get warnings and possibly detention.

When they start primary someone is there to show them where to go, tell them what to do etc, secondary is find this room, navigate the one way system, queue for lunch usually alongside 16 year olds who are as tall as adults. It is overwhelming and completely normal to feel like your head is filled with responsibility that you didn't have in year 6.

Both of mine were really scared in case they did something wrong and got into trouble so they carried that worry too. They now realise at 18 and 15 that getting an occasional negative in your planner is nothing. Luckily they were both well behaved but I think it does take until Christmas for some children to settle in.

As a famous author once said about secondary school "The only way out is through."

If the academic demands are "huge" in October of year 7 then either it's a terrible school or your child isn't reading the room properly.

Well worth a 1 to 1 with his form teacher ASAP.

@BeStillNowColin Yes - he is absolutely terrified if getting something wrong and struggles to remember everything so lists put up everywhere is a good idea. The responsibility of it all is a bit of a stretch for him but managing it will be a good life skill. A chat with the housemaster will be a good step

@prettydesertflower You just have to put stuff in place to help him succeed. So lists, mine were laminated and they ticked each thing off. We had magazine files with days of the week on. DS would come home, empty his books out of his bag and put each book into the magazine file when it was next needed. On A Tuesday night he would pack his bag with Wednesdays books.

Explain to him that loads of children feel overwhelmed at first, completely normal.

Also when you ask about his day ask about specifics, so what was period 1? maths where we leaned about (insert maths topic) far better than how was your day. It leads to conversations and possibly exploring the topic outside of school for a wider understanding.

Is he doing any extra curricular fun stuff?! Our Yr7 are being pushed hard re expectations and homework but also a high % do school clubs to have fun & make new mates. This seems to help balance the new pressure.there's loads clubs on offer every day and they can just turn up

I meant to add that the children I know who have struggled most are those who went to small nurturing primaries them high performing big high schools. They get there in time.
Those who go to big primaries and transition with all their mates defo have it easier

Yes he is doing lots of sports and after school clubs which he enjoys. He is also in half term camp that does sports and other fun things he likes so he can have a fun half term.

I think this is part of it. He went to a small nurturing primary school. Very intimate. I even had his teachers mobile numbers. Secondary is a big contrast - bigger, much bigger kids, lots of things he has to be responsible for etc.

It will build his resilience and I am sure he will be proud of himself when he gets through it and looks back.

I went to boarding school myself which I hated but gained valuable life skills that I use now. It was not for everyone but there were definitely parallels to what my son is going through. Thankfully without the bullying I went through!!!

secondary is a huge shock, he'll be hearing and seeing things he has never heard of before, which he may find unsettling. Bed wetting indicates stress.
You should speak discretely to school, is there good pastoral care? He needs support settling in, suggestion of strategies to cope, somewhere to go if he feels uncomfortable at break etc.
You need to reassure him, make him aware this is a huge step he has taken, reassure him that it takes time to settle in, ask him what he needs, encourage him to talk to you.
In time, he'll find like minded peers.
As a parent you have to support and not control this situation.
However you need to nip any bullying in the bud (can be done discretely without being see to 'tell tales').

I think he’s really suffering from being at a tiny primary. It’s the most difficult school to transition from but I would speak to his form tutor. I think he might have struggled anywhere to be honest. Therefore changing schools won’t resolve this.

I guess you really need to consider whether it's possible he can learn important life lessons without suffering. Whether suffering is actually necessary to be successful, I personally believe it isn't. Yes, it's good to get outside your comfort zone, but there are environments that can empower you to do this. It doesn't sound like this is one. There's obviously a number of people who believe suffering is a part of personal growth, but research suggests it's actually better to be supported. Yes, we suffered and survived, I'm sure we can rationalise that it was to our benefit.

I nearly sent my DC to a small primary which was the ideal picture for my tiny 4 yo. However, it was not the best place for them aged 11, and I chose a bigger school for this reason. The transition to secondary is tough, and I would discard comments on his school not being the right fit. A lot of high performing state secondaries set high expectations from the word go and my DC's school certainly did. I would worry a lot more if they hadn't. Has he got friends? I'd try to encourage him to make friends and join clubs. It will come, I'm sure by Christmas it will all become the new normal.

I’m a secondary teacher of many years (and parent of a teen) and I can tell you that this year’s Yr 6s have really been affected in learning and emotional terms by the last two years. I am shocked, for example, at the literacy gaps so he’s obviously fine academically but needs some pastoral support. Get in touch with school and speak to / email pastoral (could be tutor, HOY or a pastoral manager) and ask for help - this is very common at this point of the school year. He needs TLC from staff and people to keep an eye on him. One thing I’ve found useful at home is to laminate copies of the timetable for study area/bedroom/kitchen so we could make a ‘remembering’ list re PE kit, cooking ingredients, taking instruments to school etc and we had a visual reminder about lessons, equipment and after-school stuff around the house. This means you can remind and prompt - being so stressed and sad means he will forget things more easily. We also made a point of one of us collecting DD from school at least once a week and going out for a hot chocolate etc. As many parents of teens will tell you, driving is often a time where confidences are shared. Finally, don’t be fooled by the breezy mums. Many children find the transition a problem and act out / show it in different ways e.g. class clown, showing off, reinvention as Queen Bee … Good luck

Have you got a parents evening coming up? Maybe have a chat with them then or ask for a chat sooner.

Are you scaffolding enough at home?
By which I mean helping him find and use strategies to remember everything each day, do homework on time etc.
Some children need more help than others and take time to feel confident.

My DC has found it hard. Went to our local village primary (1 form entry so small but not tiny). The hardest thing she's found is the very strict behaviour policy. She has been a bit better as she gets used to things a bit, but it's a big change and it takes some children longer to adjust than others.

Is there a dedicated pastoral staff member he (or you) could speak to?

I don’t see why most children need such strict behaviour policies. It makes transition a lot more difficult. It’s unnecessary for most children but some heads now think it’s vital. It isn’t if you run a school with decent teachers. Most dc are well behaved and don’t like a heavy handed approach. I would avoid this type of school and I don’t think it’s healthy at age 11 to join such a regime.

My DD was similar. It definitely gets easier but it takes some time. It's a huge culture shock.
I wouldn't consider changing schools yet. But he needs some more support for anxiety if he's bed wetting poor lad.

I think some DC find they are not quite keeping up (in their mind only) and it’s a shock. They haven’t compared themselves to anyone much at primary. Now they look around and other dc seem to find things easier and are more savvy. It is a worry to them.

I have known DSs who started bed wetting when under pressure. In both cases it was due to failing 11 plus. Then failing 12 plus. Then being forced to take 13 plus! Then were then “successful” but these children then struggled for years at grammars. Dreadful results followed when compared to other pupils so their self esteem was shot to pieces. So keep an eye on this but if he continues to struggle don’t die in the grammar school ditch!