Transition from primary to secondary - anyone struggling

[prettydesertflower]

My DC moved from a small family-orientated primary school to a demanding very academic high performing secondary. They are quite demanding academically and socially. All DCs reports say they are polite, respectful and well-behaved. They have made loads of friends and work hard with their home work.

Due to the demands of the school (behavior-wise, academically and in sport), the poor kid feels a huge amount of pressure and is very anxious about school. He even wet himself poor thing the other day...

During half term, he told me he hates school which he has never done before.

This is of course stressing me out to the point my blood pressure went up significantly. I am at my wit's end as on the one hand we wanted him to be in an academically strong school but don't know how to support him. I am all for a school having high expectations so support the philosophy. Just didn't know it would be this hard for him.

Is it just a transition thing? How long did it take for your DCs to settle into school? All the other mums seem over the moon happy with everything and say their kids have settled.

I feel like I am the only mum who is in this position in the class. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I have never had a child in Senior school so don't really know how to navigate this one.

@TeenMinusTests

Are you scaffolding enough at home? By which I mean helping him find and use strategies to remember everything each day, do homework on time etc. Some children need more help than others and take time to feel confident.

I agree. I left my DD to it and she really struggled. We went back to a quick chat every day of what homework she has for when, then packing her bag a quick chat about what she needed. She made a list of what she needed every day and in the morning I’d go through it with her.

By feb she was doing it herself.

As a teacher, I do think transition this year has been especially tricky for Y7 as they have had 2 years of disruption at primary school, so they aren't all emotionally ready for secondary.

That said, I don't think wetting himself is normal.

I would definitely discuss it with school.

His report sounds really positive, so it may just be anxiety from him?

Anxiety does require help to overcome. “Just” anxiety does downplay it.

I have a DD who made the same transition from a small, very child-centred primary to a highly academic and selective secondary. She did struggle initially! I think she was basically exhausted for definitely the first term and very very tired for most of Y7.

I think you should do two things. One is contact school to explain what he is struggling with (our school was enormously helpful in supporting her) and secondly you need to come up with a routine that works for him. We found always packing school bag the night before and getting clothes ready, having a cut off time after which no homework could be attempted, letting music practice slide a bit, limiting clubs for now (next year will be different) worked for us. But you know your child best and what he is struggling with. For DD it was organisation. She just hadn't ever really had to organise herself that much before. It put me in mind of Reception, actually, and the inevitable daily search for coat and gloves. Because she'd obviously never had to think about where they were before and it took her a while to learn how.

DD now in Y10 and absolutely flying. They do get used to it in the end. You need to work out what's going wrong for your child and help him solve it. He will get there, with a bit of help.

@sonsmum

secondary is a huge shock, he'll be hearing and seeing things he has never heard of before, which he may find unsettling. Bed wetting indicates stress. You should speak discretely to school, is there good pastoral care? He needs support settling in, suggestion of strategies to cope, somewhere to go if he feels uncomfortable at break etc. You need to reassure him, make him aware this is a huge step he has taken, reassure him that it takes time to settle in, ask him what he needs, encourage him to talk to you. In time, he'll find like minded peers. As a parent you have to support and not control this situation. However you need to nip any bullying in the bud (can be done discretely without being see to 'tell tales').

Thank you - very sensible. Half term has shown how much of a shock.

@Postapocalypticcowgirl

As a teacher, I do think transition this year has been especially tricky for Y7 as they have had 2 years of disruption at primary school, so they aren't all emotionally ready for secondary.

That said, I don't think wetting himself is normal.

I would definitely discuss it with school.

His report sounds really positive, so it may just be anxiety from him?

You do tend to forget how much disruption there has been. His level of anxiety is the real concern. As he has made friends, is enjoying sports and doing well academically moving his is not really an option. It would cause home a lot of upset and more anxiety.

@Method

I nearly sent my DC to a small primary which was the ideal picture for my tiny 4 yo. However, it was not the best place for them aged 11, and I chose a bigger school for this reason. The transition to secondary is tough, and I would discard comments on his school not being the right fit. A lot of high performing state secondaries set high expectations from the word go and my DC's school certainly did. I would worry a lot more if they hadn't. Has he got friends? I'd try to encourage him to make friends and join clubs. It will come, I'm sure by Christmas it will all become the new normal.

Thankfully he has made friends and has signed up to after school clubs that he seems to enjoy.

Is he at a selective school? It’s a lot of pressure, especially at the start…

@Jangle33

Is he at a selective school? It’s a lot of pressure, especially at the start…

Yes, it is selective. He has not had this much pressure before.

That might explain why he feels so much pressure? If he's had to 'pass' to get in (and maybe tutored?) then he might struggle to cope with feelings of keeping up? Hopefully he'll settle into it, Our school is non selective so probably why our experience is very different.
I'd also ignore other parents and take with a pinch of salt. Competitive school. Competitive parents ....

My dd is yr 7, she is dyspraxic but very bright and hard on herself. She has done very well and has friends but had a huge wobble going back after half term, lots of tears and slept in with me which is unheard of. She was ok after the first day back. Things which help here are a duplicate pencil case kept in her locker so no fear of being to off for forgetting kit. We have a white board by the door with what she needs each day and a copy of the timetable on it, and a next to it a file with sections for each subject which the books go in. Every evening we go through what we need for the next day sort the correct books send get PE kit/food ingredients/instruments etc ready for the next day. This has really helped calm her anxiety. Sometimes she feels able to do it herself, often she needs help. We will keep doing it together while she needs me to. Her school isn't selective (non grammar area) but she is very high achieving and pressures herself . If she was at a grammar I think she would be in a right state.. but also i think would thrive eventually with support. Good luck. You have his back which is the main thing.

I think often the grammar children have been top at primary and then a new world of competition opens up. A very small primary will make this even more obvious. As a result, when coming into contact with other bright DC, there dawns the realisation that lots of other DC are bright too. There is a lot more competition for the top positions.

So the key is about relaxing and reducing expectation. We are all proud when dc do well in qualifying for something but it’s far more difficult to accept mid division after that. Maturity tends to help. Children get to see the new pecking order of their school and where they sit in it. Near the bottom can feel like failure but someone has to be there. If that’s not him then he’s winning already I think he will accept how very selective grammars work and settle in when he evaluates his level and adjusts expectations.

I have 3 daughters in secondary school and my heart goes out to your son and you. I don't think I can add much to the advice and comfort offered above, only to say I never understood why the transition has to be so harsh and why secondary school has to be so different from ps. I didn't grow up in the UK and I doubt the transition is more harsh anywhere else... From small friendly schools with walls covered in kids drawings to confusing university like buildings... To strict maze of rules that almost assume child is guilty of something, to the very British idea that at 13-14 you already need to decide, and take responsibility for the decision, virtually what you want to do when you grow up... From play as a central part of learning and life to mountains of homework and revision... As if the prospect of growing up quickly and joining the workforce is so enticing...

Luckily my DC went to a very big primary and then a more holistic high which whilst strict isn't stupid. Yr7s are treated as 11 year olds and their lessons are loads of fun.. they just now having to learn the skill of revision!

@Nobadkids1

I don’t believe it has to be like that. It is definitely a reason why some of us prefer private schools. These have smaller classes and can get to know children better. My DDs had to do a broad range of GCSEs. They didn’t start until Y10. DD did 12 when that was possible. However the GCSEs were changed. Many DC start their exam subjects earlier so do them exclusively for 3 years and thereby narrow their education alarmingly. You will find many parents support this because “failure” in subjects such as MFL and Art (subjects that take time and effort) are not tolerated so they are dropped. Children are not encouraged to keep trying at subjects they don’t like.

The Holy Grail is the best results, not the breadth of education. This is also why the EBac is ridiculed. It’s not seen as valuable to study a breadth of subjects here.

Fortunately lots of private schools still value breadth. Some selective state schools too. Others just want results and use any method they can to ensure exam results are the best they can be. But parents agree with this. I do think it’s a reason why Brit’s are passing exams but they are not educated.

@prettydesertflower as this thread has been added to, how is your son feeling now after another half term? Any better?

@OnTheBenchOfDoom he is so much better. The advice on here was pretty balanced. I met with his Pastoral care lead who reassured me a lot of it was down to transitioning from Primary. He is also one of the youngest in his class so is a lot younger than most of his peers. No wonder he struggled. He is a much-loved only child so I really did not have a template or roadmap on being a mum to a transitioning 11-year-old. He also managed to get a special award for demonstrating good character, respect and compassion which boosted his confidence no end. He is starting to like school and has made some good friends so things are looking up for next term.

@prettydesertflower that is such lovely news to read. I am pleased that MN helped navigating the transition, it truly is MN at its best. Good that school saw fit to give him a reward recognising his personal qualities too.

Hopefully he should feel much better going back after Christmas which must be a relief for you. We have all had to seek help on here asking for advice from parents who have been through this.