Is it likely everyone else right and I am wrong?

[GoldStarAngel]

There's a big comp near us that before I looked round I thought would be first choice for dd - everyone says good things about it and people we know with kids there are very happy with it. I went to the open evening and the kids there were v impressive but something made me uneasy - hard to put finger on it but just seemed a bit unaspirational for kids and the head seems uninspiring and it was the kind of place where 'polite notices' were stuck up with sellotape all over the wall. I asked about pandemic teaching and it was only 50% live teaching in lockdown 2. I then went to a daytime tour and wasn't impressed either - the atmosphere just seemed wrong to me. I much preferred another school near us - stricter, newer, very openly aspirational (maybe because in a poorer area), 100% live teaching in lockdown 2.
But - all the other parents I am friends with like school 1 and I am starting to wonder what I am missing. I came away thinking that was very dispiriting and they came away thinking what a lovely place. This is London so lots of choice (in theory anyway, also small distances to get in). Just wondering - anyone else gone against the grain schoolwise from all the other parents they know? Should we go on what felt right when we visited, or on reputation and the fact we know of kids there who are happy? Am doubting myself.

Surely you only take her to visit schools she has a chance of getting in to, decide together on choice with an understanding that the system may men she goes somewhere else.

I’m a little shocked you didn’t take her to see the school she may well be for the next 5 (and potentially most formative) years of her life.

I think with schools you need to trust your gut and listen to what your kids say.

Devolving the decision entirely to her parents (although to be fair she wouldn’t have had much to go on seeing as it was only her parents who have actually visited the schools) isn’t ‘grown up’ OP .

And PP have pointed out, the ebacc criteria is a total red herring.

Also bit shocked you didn’t take your child to visit, it’s her life and she needs to get a feel and idea if the school too, should be definitely involved in the choice.

I’m a little shocked you didn’t take her to see the school she may well be for the next 5 (and potentially most formative) years of her life

Doesn't it depend on the child really?

For some the huge big deal made out of it all can make things worse. Some also wouldn't sit through a 30 minute talk from a head teacher who has no presence whatsoever. And then they just spend the next few weeks excited they are going to use all the fancy science equipment they must bring out just for one day a year and it'd never going to be seen again.

If the reality is that they will probably just get thrown somewhere u don't want anyway there's not always any sense in getting their hopes up really.

@Embroidery

A rough school in london can be very bad. Beware. But it might have changed nowadays, my knowledge of London secondaries is a bit dated, but in recent history, rough schools in london were dangerous places.

But on the other hand school 2 will be very strict. They achieve high standards in academies through ruthlessness. No speaking in lessons, no speaking in corridors, toilets locked, no toilet going in lessons, isolation for any misdemeanor, very strict teachers, high turnover of staff.

Oh spare me the fear mongering. By your own admission you have zero recent secondary school experience in London, so don’t needlessly accuse a school you don’t know of being a dangerous place. The OP is clearly understandably anxious about which school to choose for their DC, and so adding in threats of danger is hardly helpful.

Go with your instinct and what you feel is right for YOUR child.

We chose the “unpopular” school that most of the parents at the primary school wouldn’t even consider. The pastoral care is excellent, the staff - pupil relationships are great and it has a great atmosphere. The academic side of things is not as good as some other schools but my child is doing really well and on course for the EBacc.

They did a good job during the school closures with lots of contact from the teachers.

Don’t follow the herd! Choose what’s right for your child.

Most people take their children to the schools they can realistically get into. You don’t visit the unlikely ones really. I think taking DD to two wouldn’t have been an issue. The parent makes the decision but most families weigh up the pros and cons together.

There are a few widely reported schools that are ultra strict but they are not the majority. There are quite a few with lots of rules that definitely don’t suit some children. The OP liked the stricter school so I guess it was evident that there were rules and behaviour requirements that were clearly different from the other school. It’s important the child buys into a strict school. In my view they take over parenting. I’m glad my DDs never had so many rules. They developed with a firm but friendly approach where rules were simple and understood.

It’s quite likely you are all right. No school will suit every child. You don’t think this school is the right one for your child and other parents won’t think the school you like is the right one for their children. That’s how it works and nobody is in the wrong.

Pick the one you like then. There is no way of knowing and as you are not giving the names of the schools, people can't advise you either way.

Open days are where the school market themselves. Some schools go mad on their displays and marketing and others are more casual.

You like the vibe and modern feel of one so go with that. It is however just window dressing.

I am very fine with my decision not to take dd out of school to visit schools. As I have said there are a dozen schools we could have a chance of getting into locally (ten of which we ‘may’ get into). So that would be 12 mornings of school missed only to raise hopes for schools she may not get into. Plus she is ten - I don’t think any ten year old knows what will be best for them. They would however be wowed by the chocolate brownies on offer at the school I ruled out for having multiple spelling errors in their presentations, and by the dance studio at the school where there is a known huge bullying problem. In fact she told me she would like to go to the school with the least homework. So nope, not her choice. Astounded anyone else would let their kids decide tbh but each to their own. Thank you for the many helpful comments though.

It wouldn’t be about letting a 10-year-old child decide on her own OP. It’s more about involving her in the decision-making process over somewhere where she is likely to be spending a significant amount of her life for the next five years. A place where she will enter as an 11-year-old and leave as a very different 16-year-old.

You wouldn’t needed to have taken her out of 12 mornings at school. Wherever you live in London there is no way you have a realistic chance of a totally free choice of 12 different schools. You take the child to the ones you are seriously considering so that she has the chance to picture herself there, chat to friends about it, be part of the process. Do you really think that is so ‘astounding’?

Last year’s cohort had very little chance to see where they were going because of Covid closures which was such a shame.

No. They do not decide. But DC have informed input. You also shortlist. Open evenings are the norm here so no one misses school. Few people trawl round to 10/12 Schools. That means you haven’t really looked closely at them. As DD didn’t visit you have ended up with the somewhat superficial input from DD that’s she wants the least homework. Had yon taken her, you could have had a far more detailed discussion about the two schools you mentioned in your OP. However you ensured that didn’t happen which isn’t really fair and you don’t trust her.

@GoldStarAngel

I am very fine with my decision not to take dd out of school to visit schools. As I have said there are a dozen schools we could have a chance of getting into locally (ten of which we ‘may’ get into). So that would be 12 mornings of school missed only to raise hopes for schools she may not get into. Plus she is ten - I don’t think any ten year old knows what will be best for them. They would however be wowed by the chocolate brownies on offer at the school I ruled out for having multiple spelling errors in their presentations, and by the dance studio at the school where there is a known huge bullying problem. In fact she told me she would like to go to the school with the least homework. So nope, not her choice. Astounded anyone else would let their kids decide tbh but each to their own. Thank you for the many helpful comments though.

If your 10yo is incapable of looking beyond a few brownies, then perhaps you haven't given her enough responsibility as she has been growing up in order to help her develop her thinking and decision-making skills. How is she going to develop those skills if she never gets a chance? My dd was capable of quite a good analysis of the various schools we visited when she was at that stage.

No, not deciding but an informed choice made between all of us. After all the children are the ones actually enrolled in the school so important they got a feel of the schools and some input,

I am also in London, and also in theory could have taken my DS and then my DD to a dozen schools. I took them to three each, the three most likely ones (that i had determined were the most likely). Given that you are choosing in your starter post between two schools, those are the only ones I would have taken my DC to, not the outliers. And yes we knew that even of those schools, there was a chance that we wouldn't get them, but they were likely and the real choices.

You are asking us to give you some advice as to whether or not to trust your gut, but you are not doing what all of us would have done, which is take your DD to the school and let her gut also be triggered.

The collective experience on here is that 10 year olds are quite capable, in discussion with a parent, of seeing through the brownies and focussing on what is important, and their insights can be invaluable, as they sometimes notice things that you don't. Far more valuable than the opinion of random mumsnetters on schools they have never seen. If your ten year old is not capable of this, then your ten year old is not typical, and that may mean the school they need is not typical, so any advice one way or the other from random mumsnetters is a bit useless.

It’s not too late to get DD involved either.

These schools will have their ethos and behaviour policies on their web sites. Their discipline and punishments too. Look at them with DD.

Look at their newsletters. What in them inspires DD? Do they do trips abroad? What about supporting charities or other notable things pupils do? Look at clubs offered and the breadth of the education. What might DD be interested in? Sit down with her and compare the schools. At least she then can have some discussion with you about the schools.

Can you get their A level results? What subjects do they do well in? Are these likely to suit DD? Look at what subjects are on offer with her at gcse. What sports are offered? What technology? Are they good at teaching art? What about music and drama? Or even other unusual things DC can do at each school.

What about how the schools are organised? Do they have houses? What about inter house competitions? Would DD enjoy that ethos? Would it be an issue if the rules were over-burdensome? Would she be happy? What does she think after you look at the policies? At least you could then have a discussion with DD about which school is better.