Is it likely everyone else right and I am wrong?

[GoldStarAngel]

There's a big comp near us that before I looked round I thought would be first choice for dd - everyone says good things about it and people we know with kids there are very happy with it. I went to the open evening and the kids there were v impressive but something made me uneasy - hard to put finger on it but just seemed a bit unaspirational for kids and the head seems uninspiring and it was the kind of place where 'polite notices' were stuck up with sellotape all over the wall. I asked about pandemic teaching and it was only 50% live teaching in lockdown 2. I then went to a daytime tour and wasn't impressed either - the atmosphere just seemed wrong to me. I much preferred another school near us - stricter, newer, very openly aspirational (maybe because in a poorer area), 100% live teaching in lockdown 2.
But - all the other parents I am friends with like school 1 and I am starting to wonder what I am missing. I came away thinking that was very dispiriting and they came away thinking what a lovely place. This is London so lots of choice (in theory anyway, also small distances to get in). Just wondering - anyone else gone against the grain schoolwise from all the other parents they know? Should we go on what felt right when we visited, or on reputation and the fact we know of kids there who are happy? Am doubting myself.

Do people prefer the school because of the local population? There's a lot of snobbery here around postcodes, I understand to a degree, the fear of "the wrong crowd" but not to the extent that I will overlook a good school because it's in a "poorer area".

First of all, what school did your child like?

It could be that you don’t have the same priorities as other people. I wasn’t that bothered about pastoral care! As long as the had the staff and policies in place, I felt all schools would be fine on this. I wanted absolutely the best teaching and my child to be a valued member of the school community. Lots of clubs and things to do so they got a broad education was important for us.

I don’t care who showed us round as long as they knew something when we asked a question. I can assure you that you never ever get all pupils volunteering to show parents round. You always get the more engaged ones offering. Wild horses would not drag some kids back into school so don’t kid yourself about student ambassadors being drawn from all pupils!

It’s perfectly ok to choose the school that looks more disciplined but I wouldn’t go for this. I actually like DC to develop and flourish within boundaries but schools with strict rules can be very stifling and can take initiative away. If you are always told what to do and think, do you mature and think for yourself? Most schools do have good discipline by the way, but in some it’s hammered home and it’s a usp. Not for me though. Often it’s like this in schools that were previously failing so I would check that out too.

You may be right for your kid, but that doesn't stop them being right for theirs too.

We chose to send dd to the less often used school at secondary because it was a better fit for her. It wasn't necessarily wrong for others to send theirs to that school.

@EllieNBeeb

For me, a strict school would be a deal-breaker. Kids don't need to be treated like subhuman robots. I would be looking at how happy kids are, the type of extracurricular opportunities, arts, music, sports. My kid isn't a computer, I want him to have the beat chance of developing into his own, individual human, I didn't birth him to sit down, shut up and get lashed if he speaks at the wrong time or needs to use the toilet. What a nightmare.

We have a school near us like that. Does a great sales pitch but the kids are rather muted about their enthusiasm for school. Our large comp with strict but sensible rules and a myriad of extra opportunities had kids who rave about it. They thrive.

It’s a very personal choice - a bit like buying a house. Do you know any parents from the other school who could give you feedback (remember open days are not a true indication at all of the reality of school life there.) more importantly do you know children in each school? Being surrounded by children they feel comfortable with is a big marker for a child’s happiness at school, and happiness at school is the biggest marker for a constructive and ambitious education, not 100% online learning.

EBacc is just a measure for schools. It means nothing to unis, it won't appear on their CV etc. Fully live remote teaching isn't necessarily a good thing either.

But if the vibe wasn't there for you choose the school where it was. Sometimes historic reputation is what people rely on and continue to do so even when the school may be quite a different place. Productions are all well and good but not if something your child wouldn't want to participate in anyway.

I think that some schools that are very popular and over subscribed don’t feel they need to try and attract children (which they don’t to be fair) so don’t make a lot of effort for open evenings.

No school can be right for every child and their families.

You are effectively entering into a 5 or 7 year relationship with an institution. It's a big investment. You DC has to go every day. So, I'd look very carefully at the things that matter to the DC. You say school one has great bands and performances. Is she into that? Would that be a clincher for her? If not, then it doesn't matter that that's what they do well.

Look at what interests your DC. Science? Pay close attention to the science dept. Sports? Pay close attention to that. Etc.

Also, consider travel time. We sent our DC to a school almost an hour away by public transport. It's a pig. Anything out of hours, any parents evenings, matches, all mean were ferrying him around a lot. The other difference is my DC is out of the house at 7am every day, instead of the 8:15 it would have been to the local school. It's a big difference. Add in the fact he's never home before 5, instead of 3:45 and he has a long day on his hands.

Also, ask you child. They're the ones going there.

Go with what you think is right for your child.

I went with a very relaxed school - people were perplexed at my choice, but I 100% made the right decision for my DC.

Different people want different things for their DC.

Go with your instinct as Schools change all the time. That said though I know plenty of people who didn't listen to good advice and trusted their very wrong instincts and chose the wrong school

I think in East London (Walthamstow in our case) a lot of middle class parents are keen to dismiss schools which are openly aspirational and focused on results and ratings. I think this is partly because they know they can provide their DC with the support to do well in a less pushy school, so they look at other factors (including sociodemographic and racial).

Meanwhile my very aspirational Bulgarian and Chinese neighbours send their DC to Harris academy in Tottenham. They love it there, and they will do very well by being there. I myself see nothing wrong with being ambitious - I wish my DS's primary school was a bit more ambitious tbh.

I’m a teacher and I’d be hugely wary of academy chains. In humane workloads for staff and inflexible rules for students.

The OP liked the stricter school! That’s the dilemma. Other parents prefer the more relaxed ambience elsewhere. Academy chains can be difficult to avoid in some places.

I think the OP looked at slightly superficial things but clearly likes newness and a stricter environment. I would want to look at results and whether the school gets DC performing to the best of their abilities. So progress 8 and destinations would be in my mix. Is the strict school punching above it’s weight, or not? What does if offer in terms of enrichment and breadth of subjects? What did DC showing you round say about teaching? Was there great art and what about music and drama??

I tend to think DC must be involved in this decision too. Would a military style academy with inflexible rules suit them? Or would if stifle their individuality and make them anxious? I don’t think gut reaction by parents is the way to go if DC is not on board.

First of all, what school did your child like?

I was going to ask this too. If both you and your DD's gut feeling was for school 2, I would definitely go for that. If however your DD thinks she would prefer school 1, then I would hesitate. If you go against the grain, and where her friends are going, and where she thinks she prefers, and then it doesn't work out, you will also have her against you for having made the wrong choice. And don't forget she is going to turn into a teenager at this school. "It's all your fault that I am at this stupid school, when all my friends went to X school" (even if she doesn't actually say it - and teenagers often do, but even if she will think it), is not the best basis for then dealing with problems that will then occur.

If either or both schools are oversubscribed, it may be a choice that is out of your hands!

@PupInAPram Vey true, but the OP still needs to decide the order to put the schools on her preference form, which should be in the genuine order of preference.

go with your gut

I have a theory that time-travelling will be possible in the future and gut instincts are the proof - they are the warnings from your future self!
🤣🤣

seriously though, gut instincts are a manifestation of your brain being able to process more pieces of information unconsciously than your conscious mind is able to comprehend & express into coherent thoughts.

if you have a bad feeling then don't do it.

School open evenings are not a good representation of the school, they are marketing, and less heavily subscribed schools will have to work harder.
Does your DC care about where her friends are going?
C

Open evenings don’t show daily routines but OP went back in the daytime.

I tend to think stricter schools put more pressure on DC at transition. All those rules!

DD’s friends will go all over because although all at same primary school the way the distances work is we can be ten mins in opposite directions which means they would get into different schools to us. But this is London so I can think of about 12 schools that people will go to depending on which direction they live in and whether they want boys school or girls school or faith school etc. she has been v grown up and said we should put the schools we prefer - we didn’t take her to open days as we thought it would end up with her setting heart on somewhere then us not getting in. The good thing about where her friends live is that they won’t all be in one place they will scatter, so her group of five will likely end up at five different schools. Hopefully that means they can all meet up as a five outside of school and keep the group going as I think it is good to have friends outside of school.

I was in a slightly similar position a few years ago, except we were too far from the popular school to get in. Sent the DCs to the other school and they have done very very well. Oldest DC is now at a very good uni.

They make new friends and drift apart from primary ones. It’s inevitable.

I think you are wrong not to allow her to open days. She obviously doesn’t get a say in this. You are controlling the choice and although you say she’s grown up enough to accept your choice she’s not grown up enough to have any opinion of her own! That’s very controlling. So you don’t trust her, do you? I think tiger were very wrong to keep her away from the schools. This means you have had no meaningful discussion about the merits of each school.

I doubt you realistically can get into 12 schools but you really need to talk to your daughter about the ethos of each school. I can see why you want the strict school now. You like children to be controlled.

It does seem weird not to include your child at all given they need to spend the next 5-7 years of their lives there. If you have 12, surely at least take her to the ones you have a chance of going to? We took ours to our nearest 3 schools and it really helped us to discuss openly why we thought one was a better fit than another.

I also find it a little odd that you haven't involved her in the choice at all. I would have taken her to the open days, personally. She is at an age now where she should have an input into the choices that will affect her more than they'll affect anyone else. Learning to negotiate these decisions in a mature, considered way is an important part of the transition into the teenage years. Of course, she is too young to make the decision independently, but she needs to be involved in it in my opinion.

You didn’t take your child to secondary school open days?