How much input from child on secondary choice

[bingandflop]

Hi there

We are struggling with our secondary choices. My daughter is hellbent on a school the next town over which would require a bus journey. This school is ofsted rated good.

We live with in walking distance of 2 secondaries that are ofsted rated outstanding.

I like the school the next town over but also the ones nearby. I just think it's madness to get a bus with all the hassle that involves (not turning up, being full, getting up earlier, hanging round bus stops in the cold and dark in winter, cost etc) when she could just walk up the road.

I am struggling with it, as I don't know if I should let her do 100% of the decision making or overrule what we put in which order on the form.

What do you think? Has anyone ever been jn a similar situation and what did you do?

Thanks for any advice

I think it depends on her reasons for wanting to go there. Can you all sit down and make a list of all the good things about each school? We gave our children a choice of school we were happy with and let them pick from those. We told them we had ruled out ones too far away.

Would she even get into the further away school?

First of all, the order you put the schools on the form isn’t really relevant. If you put the furthest school 1st and she doesn’t get a place, that doesn’t mean she goes further down the list for the nearer schools. You need to look at how likely she is to get into the school furthest away, then let her know the chances of her getting a place.
Why is it she wants to go there?

We asked our DD on her thoughts of our two realistic schools. She said it was too confusing. So we chose.

She should do we live about 5 miles away and they usually take from 8 miles. She just liked the vibe but can't seem to give me any particularly sound reason

Which school are been friendship circle going to?

Good point her best friend wants the same school but my daughter says she wants to go there even if her best friend doesn't go. I don't think she's thought through the practicalities, I just feel she is too young to make a decision this important

What did she think of the orther 2 schools when you visited?

We did the list of pros and cons with my son. As a parent you can make the pros on the one you think would be best seem more important.

Does your daughter have sensible reasons for the school she wants? Obviously I would take her opinion into account but look at her reasons and how good they are long term. Kids sometimes make choices based on stuff that might not be relevant later or as important as they think it is.

We discussed this with our DC I made a list of good and bad for each of three schools with input from them and as I saw it. I played devils advocate saying what about this and that etc. But I let them have the final say as I didn’t want them unhappy and blaming me. Both choose different schools for different reasons they were both remarkably mature once we sat down and discussed it and looking back they both choose well.

Our dd was very interested in a school in the next city. We checked the school bus timetable to find out where the closest stop was and the time the bus arrived there (7.30am).
Then we got her up one October morning while it was still dark and walked to the bus stop. We then talked about having to do this everyday. She changed her mind and decided that the closer school was a much better option.
Both these schools were outstanding so this wasn't about the academics.

I would do as catndogslife suggests during half term at the appropriate time during half term. Look into the costs too and discuss them. Would she be able to move to one of the other schools at a later point or are they all massively oversubscribed?

As a parent you can carefully engineer it so they come round to your way of thinking. Pros and cons lists, picking out everything that’s brilliant about the closer schools and being a bit “meh” about the one she likes. Things like wanting to meet up with the friend that lives 7 miles in the opposite direction to your house would mean a 24 mile round trip.

My DD was totally put off one school because our tour overran and the refreshments were being cleared away - she only wanted a glass of water. She loved the rest of the school. Some gentle coaxing got her to realise that was a daft reason to not go there.

So, they should have input but the final decision should be made by you.

Going back a bit, but here’s the experience of my mum and my aunty.

Both passed their eleven plus and were given option to go to girls only grammar school.

My mum, who enjoyed academic study more went for the option my granma favoured-the Grammar School. She was bullied there and out of her element a bit, not many of her friends from primary went there.

She did well though and went to University. Travelled the world, married twice. Had some significant struggles round feeling she didn’t meet up to her potential, always felt a bit of an outsider.

My aunty was adamant she wanted to go to the school all her friends from primary were going to, which was a school that performed well but wasn’t selective.

She left school at sixteen, worked in one job all her life, married once. In the long run she was probably happier emotionally and more financially successful. Had a less interesting life.

So I think if your DD has such a strong preference, best to let her have her way.

Hi, anybody out there got kids at Cleeve Park School and willing to share their experience ? what's it like ? we went for tour today and seemed pretty good with good facilities but its off-putting that is has a 'needs improvement' rating and that they seem to be below national average in results. Heard good reviews locally but really unsure if its right for my daughter. All input appreciated, thanks.

My DD1 was 10 when we decided on her secondary school choices. IMO, 10 year olds have no clue about how to make a major life decision which will affect them til they are 18 yrs old, weighing up all the factors. So we decided.

We did take her to all the open days, and presented them all as good possible options.

DD2 will be going to the same school and we decided that too.

My DC do a lot of extra curricular and at our high a lot of the kids do extra clubs after school. Those that don't, walk home together / hang out. The fact it's a 10 min walk is a massive positive. I never had that as I went to an RC school 4 miles & a bus/walk away.

Talk to get about dark nights, longer days & awful weather..

Cleeve Park in Sidcup @juneyb? It's got a terrible reputation (I'm local). Lots of bullying according to people I know that had their kids there. A parent I know pulled their year 7 out after Christmas holidays due to some pretty horrid behaviour that the head shrugged their shoulders at.

Thanks Anne, I'm local too so likely to be offered this school. Thanks for responding, appreciated.

I would definitely overrule her. She doesn’t have any good reasons and she hasn’t been there enough to pickup a ‘vibe’.

Being able to walk home is a huge deal, af my school the majority of buses drove straight past without stopping, so when a bus finally did stop it was a semi violent scrum to get on.

I’d let her think she’s making the decision, but would always have the last word. An old doesn’t know and can’t decide this.

TBF I think a lot depends on the child, the reasons for choosing a school, options available, catchment, distance/accessibility, cost etc.

DS chose a a GS 20 odd miles away as he wanted to do well for himself but if he hadn’t passed his 11 plus comfortably we would have put his excellent comp school which is our catchment school as his first choice. The GS has a much smaller intake than the local comp, is more academic and DS has lots of friends and academically he is doing brilliantly. Admittedly he was on his knees with the long days in term one of year 7. But he loved the school, enjoyed the train journey, has had some fantastic school trips and he likes the friends he travels with on the train. After Christmas he had adjusted to the longer days.

Whereas DD less academic a year later opted for local catchment comp as all her school friends were going. But by the end of year 6 they had all fell out and she doesn’t see anyone from her old primary and isn’t friendly with any of them now.

@catndogslife

Our dd was very interested in a school in the next city. We checked the school bus timetable to find out where the closest stop was and the time the bus arrived there (7.30am). Then we got her up one October morning while it was still dark and walked to the bus stop. We then talked about having to do this everyday. She changed her mind and decided that the closer school was a much better option. Both these schools were outstanding so this wasn't about the academics.

This is an excellent idea. A friend did this with her DD and it was a fabulous moment of realisation for the DD.

It has to be a discussion together though. It is hard to push kids to a school they feel they are going to hate. But if they were making silly choices you'd have to have the final say as their parent.

Very easy to replicate the bus needed and haul her out of bed on a weekend after the clocks go back so she can see the reality of her decision, cold dark mornings walking to a bus stop.

I would do a pros and cons list and you can weight it in favour of the school you prefer. I would make it clear that as an adult you will be the one making the final decision because we can see things that children can't. You can explain this is why you cannot drive until 17 or vote until 18.

I let my dc choose. After all it’s they who need to put up with the place for the next seven years.

I did expect them to have some solid reasons and they all did. DC1 chose a school on the extracurricular provision, DC2 wanted single-sex day school and DC3 has just chosen a very academic school with a nice library. Three different schools! I think if they weren’t sure why they wanted a school I’d be a bit more sceptical, particularly if I was paying fees!