How much input from child on secondary choice

[bingandflop]

Hi there

We are struggling with our secondary choices. My daughter is hellbent on a school the next town over which would require a bus journey. This school is ofsted rated good.

We live with in walking distance of 2 secondaries that are ofsted rated outstanding.

I like the school the next town over but also the ones nearby. I just think it's madness to get a bus with all the hassle that involves (not turning up, being full, getting up earlier, hanging round bus stops in the cold and dark in winter, cost etc) when she could just walk up the road.

I am struggling with it, as I don't know if I should let her do 100% of the decision making or overrule what we put in which order on the form.

What do you think? Has anyone ever been jn a similar situation and what did you do?

Thanks for any advice

Lots of input from DC, but parents have final decision - as have the life experience to see that broader picture. Agree to include the school, but explain that you’ll consider everything and make the decision on rankings. Absolutely agree that you need to sit down with DD and really work through what she likes and dislikes about each school, and look quite closely at whether this is being driven by either friends going to the school further away, or someone she doesn’t like going to the nearer schools. In either case, secondaries are so much bigger that there’s a chance she won’t really see them anyway. My DH followed his brother to a secondary that necessitated a daily train journey and he says it was a massive pain in the arse doing this for five years. The novelty wears off very quickly (about the time mornings get cold and dark). Have you been able to visit the schools in person, or were the open evenings online? If a visit might help, call the school ASAP and they might be able to fit you in before half term.

I feel that parents should be clear to their children that, ultimately, it’s a parent choice. It’s just too big a responsibility to put on a 10/11 year old. We took the views of our dc into account, but they knew it wasn’t their decision, which took the pressure off them.

Sixth Form decisions, in contrast, should be made by the child.

My children both got a say, but knew that ultimately DH and I would make the final decision as we can look at stuff more logically - school performance, location practicality etc

DS1 went to a school further away, with only 2 part friends (not in his circle). The local schools at that time weren't great so we decided it was the best option and it was DS's favourite too.
The school was great for him, down side was having friends 15 miles away so difficult to "go and hang out" and when parties started DH and I had a 30 mile round trip to pick up middle of the night! DS is now at college in the same city, with friends even further a field. On a positive note - he's very independent, because he has had to be. He became very train/bus savvy from 11 to get to friends in holidays etc.

5 years later, DS2's turn, he wanted to go to our local secondary as that's where his friends were going. Luckily school had picked up so he got his first choice! Having had DS1 having the struggles of being so far from friends etc we didn't really want to have to deal with that again. If the school was still poor though we may have had a different opinion

DD chose her school on basis of very strong academic reputation but DH wanted her to go there and I was on the fence as pros and cons of both options. One of my reasons (further away, large catchment so more difficult to socialise with school friends ) has definitely been an issue but overall it was absolutely the right choice for her.

I wanted mixed school for DS - had bad reputation 10 years ago but was really on the up, new head very impressive (and focussed on the kids not parents), mix better for DS who is quiet and very anxious. DH wanted boys only school as solid reputation - and he also frequently dismisses DS’s issues. But I had heard bad things from parents of quieter boys. We both felt so strongly that I thought it might tear apart our marriage. DS had good friends choosing both. So as DH and I couldn’t agree, we let DS choose and at time said he chose boys school so he didn’t have to mix with girls. He now says he choose the boys school as DH pressurised him. It’s been a disaster in terms of behaviour and learning. But he is too anxious about new things to start afresh somewhere else.

So I guess from my experience the answer is that if you’ve discussed pros and cons and they make an informed choice for good reasons then let them choose. But overrule if their choice is for wrong reasons or clearly a terrible one.

Just throwing it out there, my parents sent me to a secondary school I didn’t want to go to. I hated the first two years at least, I resented them so much for pulling me away from my friends and I only remember misery for the first couple of years. Nothing positive , oh apart from they had a good Chocolate muffin there.
Please listen to her a little bit… hear her voice amongst it all

Usually I think the child should have some input, but in the case of OP's DD I would overrule because she doesn't seem to have any good reason for her choice. If she wants to be taken seriously she needs to be able to explain why!

In your case I'd overrule and go with school you prefer. Ofstead isn't the best indication and no one has been inspected for along time due to pandemic.

Near school with equivalent academics and facilities seems better than far school all things being equal.

I think friends choice is what's at play here even if she says not.

DD1 already at secondary having followed DS there. Very happy with it. DD2 will get priority there.

We did however swap the order of schools 2 & 3 on our list as DD2 said she’d prefer to stay with primary friends in the event she doesn’t follow DD1.

If I was you I'd list my preference and have her choice as 3rd choice. You can then say she just didn't get in unfortunately. But tbh I gave my dd no choice