Worried ds is going to be kicked out of Y12. If he is, what happens next...?

[newdocket]

DS1 started sixth form in September. He did not work for his GCSEs, but did quite well. Obviously things were difficult for him - as they were for all of them - during the lockdowns, he certainly struggled with online learning. Once school opened again, he got into quite a lot of trouble in year 11 for his consistent lateness, which is not at all excusable given we live five minutes walk from the school, but overall, he seemed happier being at school than he had with the home learning.

Anyway, I had hoped that sixth form would provoke a bit of a change in his behaviour/attitude, that it would be a fresh start. This has not been the case. Within two weeks, I had been contacted by the head of sixth form saying they were worried about his lack of engagement (not handing in homework, consistently being late, sometimes very late, being disrespectful to teachers). I talked to him, explained that I thought the logical conclusion of him carrying on like this would be him being kicked out, he said he would change. He hasn't. He's been late almost every day (despite us getting him up in good time, taking him coffee, cajoling him etc). It's almost as if he is doing it on purpose (I've suggested this to him and he says not, but I think he must be). He has not handed in several homeworks (again, we have asked him about it again and again and he says he has done it).

I don't know what to do. He's nearly 17, it's very difficult to make him do anything. I've tried being very on his case and getting off his case and everything in-between. Does anyone know what can/might happen in this kind of situation (how long will a school put up with someone not turning up on time, for example?). And if the worst happens, is it a case of having to find an alternative, given he has to be in education until he is 18?

Sorry for long post.

I am sorry I think you might be under estimating the problems with his adhd. Sixth form requires more independent learning very hard if you have executive function problems in your brain. Failing him won’t help on this occasion as he has a physical problem. You’ll just crush his spirit. Speak to school about his adhd and try meds. The meds will help him for 6hrs and wear off. Kids have then before school in the morning.

My DS dropped out of high school during the Scottish equivalent of year 12 and ended up bouncing around various jobs and courses with gaps of sitting at home gaming. It took a long time to get him sorted out with an ADHD dx as he was angry and anxious when younger but he is now 23 and on the second year of a computing course. Don't take too long getting him sorted, we were able to jump in earlier with DS3 due to our experience with DS1 and he has managed to reverse his exam year slide and get good qualifications.

Go to your GP and explain what is happening. Then when they tell you that they think this is par for the course with teenage boys, or, if you are extremely lucky, put him on a lengthy waiting list for an assessment, you find a private psychiatrist through recommendations and fill in lots of questionnaires about what he was like as a child and now. School can also have input and if you have any previous investigations for SEN include them.

They will have an appointment with you and him, maybe some of it alone with him, and from all of that, they will work out if it’s anxiety, cannabis or attention problems or none of the above.

If they suspect ADHD there is also a computer test that your son can do which may make things clearer.

I feel quite strongly about all this. A lot of adults have mental health difficulties because things were written off when they were a teenager. They were seen as difficult and needed to pull their socks up. If I had not pushed back, at the GP, at school, at family members, and paid to get support in place for DS1 quickly, he wouldn’t now be turning a corner. The system sucks because not everyone’s that fortunate - to be able to pay, yes, but to have someone actively listening to them in the first place.

That's really helpful Anselve, thank you. Your posts have made me see things a little differently.

I think that in the heat of the moment I have thought in the past that he is being wilfully difficult but I don't think this is the case. Although it sometimes seems he is being like that, that isn't him, so something else must be going on. I think there are two potential explanations: first, that he doesn't actually want to be in sixth form but is there because it's what people do; second, that there is an underlying cause such as ADHD/anxiety, possibly the weed smoking (could either be the cause in and of itself or linked to ADHD/anxiety).

We are going for a dog walk later. I'm hoping we can have an honest conversation.

I hope it goes well. I think your potential explanations cover all bases and give you both something to work with which doesn’t come from a place of blame or punishment. He’s a lucky boy.

I hope you can get to the bottom of things - but you must understand that children don’t get 25% extra time in their exams like he has lightly - there must be a genuine reason.
My daughter who passed her 11 plus exam is getting assessed for adhd - she really struggles to start and complete her homework. We have moved house to help get to school on time. We live a 10min walk to her bus stop and we drive her to help make sure she gets there on time and even then she can miss the bus.

@Wombat, yes, he is bright and has coasted up to now. He's really good verbally, sharp, articulate, amazing propensity to remember facts. It's getting started with and producing written work that he struggles with. It was this that led to him being assessed and given 25% extra time, although even then, the SEN person stressed that it was quite borderline (I think he scored just below on one test and just above on another).

Read Tell Your Children. Smoking lots of pot makes people apathetic, and can lead to psychosis. The pot use needs to stop immediately before dealing with anything else. My sister has used pot heavily for 45 years; she can’t drive and has early dementia.