Is another move of school crazy?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Long story short... moved DS at start of year 6 to small private school. Anxious if it was the right decision... but he has improved and built confidence so it was a good year. The school is boys only and goes up to GCSE so he can start year 7 now. A place has just been offered to us at our first choice state secondary ... didn't think we would get in. It's larger with normal class sizes but he will see friends and its local. It's also a big risk as due to having SEN he struggles quietly and gets overlooked in class. I am sure this isn't unique for some boys .
So..
Do I move him and take a chance? Of do I keep him in small private for some splud grounding and possibly move before GCSE or even stay on ?
It would be nice to save the money but main decision is what's best for him. How important is it to have local friends and community spirit vs possible better learning support but friends spread out?
Any advice appreciated !!!

I suppose I should mention - of it gives any context that he is an only child and the local friends worry me as I don't want him to be lonely.... but is that worth potentially being miserable in school itself if he keeps struggling

Depends how social your child is. Children who want to have friends but can't perse because of their needs or don't have the skills, are often left at lunchtime/ playtime on their own.

I don't really get this local community argument. It is very important to have local community connections. But there comes a point where you have to move on. I think the local community aspect is very important for primary but secondary... I mean, most of the children develop new friendships, away from the friends that they made in primary. I'm a believer in change and kids moving on from their immediate environment. Maybe it's different as I went to secondary school in another borough, which was 30/40 minutes away from my local community. I do pity parents who have attended a particular parents but later on you find out that their child is at the same primary that there was and oh! Their siblings, cousins, grandmother, all attended the same school. Not only that, but the mum works in the same community, the dad, the grandma, the sister, I just think why! Don't you want your kids to move on? And then what happens is that they become so involved in the community, they don't know what it's like to be away from that particular community. That's where prejudice starts.

I went to secondary, college and university, all away and much further from my local community. I have made friends all over, I have learnt about different cultures, different backgrounds, occupations, beliefs.

Sorry. I'm going on a rant. If my child was struggling at school but i didn't want him to be lonely or move away from the local community.. what would I do? I would move him, because what you don't want is a struggling child to become an angry or lack basic skills as an adult due to not requiring the support later on. Local community is very important but not at the detriment to my child. How can I watch my child struggling when these same kids, who don't have needs as my child, flourish.

No no no.

I would just make more effort to be apart of my local community in different ways, e.g. after school clubs, meet ups, scouts, etc etc.

Stay private if you can.

I have a ds with ASD, dyslexia - needs no 1:1 or much more than very minor adjustments in way the teachers deal with him to keep anxiety down - state failed him completely as they were overstretched, under resourced etc. Too many others with greater needs, which I do understand. He moved to a small private and has done well. Recently done the rounds of local comps, inc ‘ASD hub’, as he is now entering yr6. They all said his needs are ‘not bad enough’ and they were not interested.

We are going to go for less selective (not non selective) smaller private for senior school.

Ignore the ‘kids do well anywhere’ and ‘my (usually no additional needs bright motivated) child got to Cambridge from our comprehensive’ posts. Do what is best for your boy.

@ChocolateHoneycomb
State schools cannot say they are ‘not interested’ in your child. Only private schools can do that - and many do via managing children with SEN out / not letting them in to the school in the first place.
State schools can identify your child’s SEN as not eligible for intervention under the LEA, but they are often able to put classroom practices in to place that help, and to submit evidence for extra time in exams.

I have a child with minor SEN at a comp and she is flying. We give gentle support at home, they give gentle support at school, and if she ever needs more we will support her with 1-1 via a tutor. It has worked brilliantly for us and the school have gone far beyond what her diagnosis entitles her to.
So yes, well supported children can do very well in a state school as long as it had the ethos that SEN children can shine.

State schools can say they do not want your child, they are not supposed to, but a few weeks after my DS started with suspected ASD at secondary we had a call from the Head saying we should move him elsewhere. I told her her was staying as no suitable alternatives with no EHCP.

When we applied for another state school we got a place then were called in to say they could not cater for higher needs SN and to reconsider.

As my DS says demand for ASD teenage boys isn't high.

Some of the less bright SN are also excluded at our school and left to be home educated - these children are often vulnerable, from poorer families who don't have the money to buy help in, quite often they don't understand SN or know how to lobby the LA for help, and they are left not being educated at home. The outcomes for those kids are very bleak.

Wanting your children to have local connections is hardly the same thing as wanting them to go to the same school you have, marry the bloke next door and stay local all their life! Rather a huge step there! For us, our DD goes to a school 50 minutes away. While one of her group of school friends lives in the next village, the rest live over an hour away making meet ups more of a hassle. The local friendships she has maintained from Primary have been great for weekend and holiday socialising that don’t involve sleepovers and long drives.

@SJaneS49

Wanting your children to have local connections is hardly the same thing as wanting them to go to the same school you have, marry the bloke next door and stay local all their life! Rather a huge step there! For us, our DD goes to a school 50 minutes away. While one of her group of school friends lives in the next village, the rest live over an hour away making meet ups more of a hassle. The local friendships she has maintained from Primary have been great for weekend and holiday socialising that don’t involve sleepovers and long drives.

No but this is often the case. I know quite a few families who have lived , their children, their jobs, all in the same area/Borough. Sorry, it's time to move on. That's why people from the outskirts are practically itching to go to places like London for example.

How old is your DD, her local primary friendships are more likely to change, particularly when kids are post 16. Funny though, my life long friends were the ones I met in Secondary and people who I knew outside of school, e.g. neighbours.

However, the OP is talking about the detriment of her child's well-being vs struggles but not wanting to move because of local connections and being lonely.

Also, state schools can not admit a child due to their SEN, if you fight it that is and can prove that the school can meet your child's needs.

@Contentedpiggy what I meant was the state school Sencos both said that ASD requiring very minimal extra support is so low down on their priority list - due to others needing so much more - that they don’t even the resources to do more than just put on his record he has ASD.

You are lucky in having a school that can support your child’s needs. Don’t assume all schools can or are willing to do that, state or private. I think most are doing all they can but have competing needs of the many with minimal resources. We had a bad experience with assuming that ds would be fine at his initial state school based on it being a generally very good school. He has done much better in a more structured prep school environment. Others might not! I think it really important for people to check out their local options and then decide. I had hoped we might move back to state for secondary but realistically a 1200 pupil comprehensive does not look the most supportive option, given we can afford private. We are lucky in that respect.

I'm not sure friends spread out or local is a big factor for me- unless one school is a real mission to travel to. Sometimes that is down to luck (class, dynamics etc)

I'd go with what looks to suit the child best, not all children will thrive in a big diverse state or a small cuddly environment.

@secular39
I think you have taken the community angle to a far extreme in your slightly odd post. My DC like being in a local school because it means they can dictate their social lives to some degree - walk home with their friends to their houses after school, enjoy a social life at weekends after their sports commitments. It doesn’t mean they are going to insist their children and grandchildren grow up within a mile radius!
The different educational choices offer different pro’s (and con’s). I think we would enjoy some of the benefits of a private education, but we also enjoy the benefits of a local one.

@ChocolateHoneycomb
You will have to watch your language then - were I a Senco I would have been very distressed at you suggesting someone ‘wasn’t interested’ - the ones I have met in a variety of schools are very passionate and have often arrived in the job due to their own experiences with their children struggling.

Don't move him unless you have to ie. because you can't afford it any more. He's happy and settled. Moving children with SEN can be catastrophic. Imagine all the new things he would have to learn if you moved him: getting to school route, timetable, new teachers, new uniform, new building to navigate, hundreds and hundreds of new faces. This is all amplified by the SEN. He would be a fish out of water and absolutely terrified.

He likes his current school and is doing well. Don't rock the boat,

Yes I meant the social aspects of being able to get on a bike and cycle down the road to a mate, or walking to town together vs kids coming to a private from all over and generally having to bus in or be driven in (25 mins each way in our case).
As a side I just read a really distressing post on a dyslexia site of a few kids with SEN ( auditory and visual processing issues) coupled with dyslexia and the kids were in tears after day 1 in year 7! Felt totally overwhelmed with all the info and not supported. I know it's only day 1 and need to give the teachers and senco a break but that's just heartbreaking and I feel for those kids who get their first senior year experience being a negative and anxious one ! It's awful and such a shame more isn't being done due to funding etc.
I haven't been able to get hold of the state senco and decided I can't take that risk - if I can't get gold of them now how will it be when I need to ? Gutted but it is what it is

@rhonddacynontaf thanks... after a lot of to znd from I got to the same conclusion ... I desperately wanted the state because it suits ME and I what I love about it, but I need to put son first....thank you

Ooo @Christmasfairy2020.
Better families etc.
Get your hard hat out. 👷‍♀️. 😂😂

It's a fact of life in the private sector @Noangelbuthavingfun that friends will be spread over a wide area.
The kids are still perfectly able to see their friends out of school. It's often the school sports clubs and after school clubs.

The socialising tends to be more at the weekends and sometimes sleepovers. We often bring a friend home on Friday evenings for tea. It does take a lot more parental organisation though and I have spent years as a taxi service! We are in a city and mine can self travel to other city friends but not the more rural ones.

Mine were still involved in local activities until about age 14 and then it dropped off.

I'm not disputing the benefits of local connections. There are so many benefits and my children have reaped the rewards. However, it becomes quite complex with the child with SEN- as the quality of support that they receive in childhood/teenage hood determines the quality of life they get in adulthood.

However, correct me if I'm wrong OP, but is your child struggling at the private school? If so, why would you consider keeping him there. I don't agree with another poster who said that if your child is settled in his private school, leave him be. If his struggling? Then why leave him there? I believe a change is good for Autistic children but only that but if he is struggling now at his private school, it may get worse! Look around for schools, look at state, private, mainstream schools with units/without, private specialist schools or local authority special schools and make your mind from then.

@sootess no he is not struggling anymore at private and has come a long way with his confidence- hence the risk of moving him and potentially falling back into struggling! It's a small school though and I wonder if it will suit him long term being so small but I will take it one step at a time

[quote Noangelbuthavingfun]@sootess no he is not struggling anymore at private and has come a long way with his confidence- hence the risk of moving him and potentially falling back into struggling! It's a small school though and I wonder if it will suit him long term being so small but I will take it one step at a time[/quote]
I would keep him where he is then if I could financially.

@Contentedpiggy I’m glad to hear your schools SENCOs are clearly less pressured. I visited both schools, hoping they might suit esp the one with the ASD hub, and they were clearly so overwhelmed with kids with greater needs that a child like ds just can’t be anywhere but low on the SEN priority list. For the ASD hub, you have to be two years behind in English and maths OR various behavioural disturbances. They have a waiting list apparently. Ds isn’t in those categories, so I do understand others need that support more, however in my lucky position of being able to afford another option where they can support him, it feels preferable.

Given the original OPs situation, I would keep the child in the environment which is clearly working for him.

@ChocolateHoneycomb
I was commenting on the language you used to describe the SENCO which was a bit offensive. That’s all.

Keep him where he is. If his confidence is rising and his school work is going well it's the right place for him now.

I had similar issues with my DS and have seen what 3 years private schooling can do. He's completely changed. It's not that it's private maybe, just that it's a much smaller setting. Maybe if we lived in a small village with less people and smaller class sizes then it would be the same. He just needs a quiet place to learn and his old state school was anything but that. A lot of distractions all the time. Not the school's fault as they did the best they could but they were overwhelmed with SN kids with worse problems than DS's which meant the class was very 'busy' for want of a better word.

I'd not rock the boat OP. You have a winning formula there for your DS. He can always go back to state system at sixth form.

@NoMoreJam21 thank you... needed to hear that. Its what we have decided now but coming to this point hasn't been easy. Glad to hear you saw the benefits of a small setting .. I hope we will too !

wish you could get something like a trial 2 weeks and then decide !
This might be an option Be prepared to pay 2 terms at the private school and ask them to keep his place. If they agree to that accept the state option and see how it goes for the first few weeks /half term. If it does n’t work out return to the private school.

Have you asked the state school Re a managed move?

It's usually for behavioural issue pupils to spend a few weeks at a different school to see if it helps them improve, however schools may be flexible in allowing you to try this with a view to transferring.

Not sure how private school would entertain tjis, and as another poster said they may still want fees to keep your dc on roll.