Y9 daughter refusing to go to school

[beyondstressedandmore]

My 14 year old dd has always done very well at school, has friends, generally happy.

There has been some friendship drama this year which she's kept out of - it's just not her style. One of her longstanding friends abruptly switched friendship groups a few months ago and (I think to gain status in this new group) told them some unpleasant and untrue things about dd.

One of the girls in this group who dd describes as 'powerful' has got it in for her. There was a 'mediation meeting' between them a couple of months ago where they ageed to 'put things behind them'. I was a bit as to why mediation was considered the right approach as the only point of difference was that this girl wanted to make my dd's life miserable and my dd didn't want her to....

However, I didn't want to blow things out of proportion and just wanted things to settle down. This girl has continued with what the HoY described as 'micro-aggressions' towards my dd eg staring at her, talking with her friends about her and laughing. All standard 14 year old stuff, which dd has been trying to ignore, but it's really got to her now.

She refused to go to school Tuesday and Wednesday. I spoke with her tutor and HoY - the other girls parents were spoken to, the other girl was spoken to etc.

Dd came home today in tears saying that no-one said anything but she felt really stressed and doesn't want to go back to school. At the moment, she's saying that she doesn't want to go to any school which isn't an option. She's generally very resilient and level headed about things, certainly a tendency to be highly strung but much, much less than when she was younger.

I have no idea whether I'll be able to get her there tomorrow and I'm beyond stressed with this, my elderly mother being very needy, my own work stresses and the ongoing strains of the pandemic. My mental health hasn't been great for some months, which I'm receiving treatment for and have been protecting my children from.

What to do? Do I apply for other schools? She won't be able to do at least one of her options anywhere else, but she says that she doesn't mind this. Given the timing, she may have very limited choice about options which she's saying that she doesn't care about but may feel very differently when faced with a timetable that she doesn't want come September.

Has anyone been in this situation? What has helped?

This time last week, even at the weekend, I would have said that dd was a pretty happy, stable 14 year old and had no major worries.

Now it feels that she's spiralling into some sort of mental health crisis and on the verge of becoming a school refuser.

Any words of advice? - I'm feeling completely out of my depth.

TIA

Ok, your DD is being bullied and this is a horrible situation for her.

I'd let her take tomorrow off school to remove the immediate stress and allow her time to think a bit more clearly on the understanding that you will have a proper conversation over the weekend and come up with a plan.

That plan may involve changing schools - if that is on the table, then she needs to change as soon as possible, given that she's going into Y10. If she decides to stay at the current school then switch later while she's in the middle of GCSEs, it will be much harder for her to catch up.

Are there any schools where she already knows anyone that may have places? When faced with the real possibility of starting at a new school is she relieved?

If she decides to stay at her current school can it be arranged that she isn't in any classes with the other girl? Somewhere she can go so she doesn't need to see them at break and lunch?

If you thought she was fine last week has she been hiding it for a long time and cracked or has something happened to prompt the school refusal?

I think changing schools is a bad idea. It teaches her to run from situations rather than facing them. She will get through this anxious time and learn to deal with people and situations. It's horrible to see our children bullied, but it's not helpful to over protect them too.

I'm glad the school are taking it reasonably seriously. Do school have a councillor she can access? Might be worth asking

noble has covered most things.

One thing I would say around school refusal, is to get them back in ASAP. Obviously let her have a day to collect her thoughts and come up with a plan. However the longer she is off, the more difficult it is to get her back into school.

Q

It teaches her to run from situations rather than facing them.

Sometimes removing yourself from a situation is the right thing to do, for adults and children. You shouldn't have to dread going to school everyday.

We had a very similar scenario where I work. It quickly spiralled out of control. What worked was some counselling for the victim to give her some support, a class move and some judicious class and sets juggling to give her space from the girls that had been the source of the problem and loving parents supporting her and encouraging her into school. It took a few months of this approach and she went from strength to strength and was back to her old self. The parents nearly did move her and that would also have solved the issue but they didn't want her to be penalised by losing the friends and school she had loved.

Thanks for your messages.

I emailed her head of year, who said that dd appeared happy with her friends at lunch time and in the subject that the she taught her in today.

Which was a relief to say the least.

She was saying that she was stressed today, rather than frightened, which is different. I don't know why things came to a head on Monday - I don't think anything specific happened, it was more her feeling ground down by weeks of this with no end in sight.

Her brother goes to a different school which is under subscribed so they are likely to have places. But, no when I've suggested applying for an in year transfer she wasn't relieved.

I agree that thinking about moving schools isn't running from a situation. Sometimes it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Her tutor said that the other girl being moved tutor groups was an option, although that wouldn't solve the break and lunch situation.

Dd has perked up considerably since my email. I do completely agree that it's important to get her back into school asap (with a plan about what to do if she's feeling intimidated or upset) because it's worse the longer you leave it.

Thanks all. It's good to hear that neither moving schools or not moving are wrong - it will depend how the next week or so pans out I think.

I would see how the next couple of weeks go to end of term, hopefully it will settle. Here in year moves have stopped now so places are from September - I would consider that if it doesn't settle and there's a decent option.

I think drama in girl friendships is quite common at this age and it does seem to turn into bullying sometimes. Hope things improve, at least its nearly summer holidays.

@blissfulllife christ what a loving parent you sound!-Blissful life doesnt involve day-in day-out misery,repeated "mediations"with bullies when,lets face it-scools are the only place this actually happens where individuals are forced to co-operate with this adult-led shite..Why not listen to your d.d&let her chose her path @beyondstressedandmore...could she do homeschool&hook up with some local interest groups..it sounds like a recipe for depression&anxiety for anyone.
There isnt a one-fits-all approach with education&I would be paying more attention to the mental health angle here than anything else-like teaching her life lessons&facing up to things...

When you look at how many adults are driven to breakdowns due to the same bullying behaviour in the workplace, it's astonishing that anyone would think bullying to this extent should be tolerated to build resilience.

Being subjected to long term bullying in childhood and adolescence also makes it much harder for the child to withstand such behaviour when they're grown to adulthood. Or they become bullies themselves, because, you know...it's character building

"Mediation" is that thing schools do when they don't actually want to address the issue (and they may still have that archaic attitude of "can't do anything if we don't witness it").

Op sounds like you've got a constructive an going forward with the HOY. Tell your dd it gets better and best of luck with the next steps!

@CornishPastyDownUnder I am a loving parent actually, ops come on here for advice and opinions and that's what I've given. I feel totally for the op and her daughter. I've been there myself. But it's my opinion that there's bullies everywhere,at every age and in most situations and it's bloody horrible and soul destroying to see our kids hurting like this but they also need to learn coping techniques etc.If it can't be resolved and it goes on with no help then yes remove her from the situation but the school do seem to be trying at least atm.

Thanks all.

The 'mediation' arose when dd called her dad from the school toilets one break asking him to come and collect her (I was at work and she knew that I'd have my phone off).

Dh called the school, who reported back that they'd had a meeting and that both girls had agreed to 'put it behind them'.

Talking to dd's HoY yesterday, the school did think that dd had said something to or about this other girl, which had upset her. In fact, this other girl had decided to start bullying my daughter in the basis of what 'friendship group swap' girl told her.

I checked this with dd - she hadn't corrected their misunderstanding and had indeed apologised for anything she'd done to upset anyone else.

I completely agree with posters who say that moving schools would be looking after dd's mental health, not teaching her to run away from situations.

She seems able to face today, so will play it by ear.

Roll on summer holidays though.

I have 3 DD and I have a one week/one month guideline I use.
If something upsets them for a week, I consider that it might still blow over.
If something upsets them for a month, then I know it is here to stay.

Girls are fragile, fickle beings at that age. My three DD are all very different but all of them have had difficult moments with friends, boyfriends, teachers, anxiety, peer pressure.
In my head, this stage of life for girls isn't about school work and results, its about how to learn about managing hormones, emotions, friendships - only when this stuff is being learnt then they can apply themselves to school work properly.
Your DD is at peak hormone infiltration moment. Things do start to balance a bit in later teen years.
My worry is that if you take her out of school so quickly, it will lead to 'avoidance' rather than 'learning'. This stuff is going to come up again and again in life, and she needs to learn that it hurts her, affects her, but then she must feel the hurt but then hold her head up high and battle on. However if it continues to be an issue after a month or more, then perhaps you look at more serious steps.
Take a deep breath, know that this stuff is normal (if not nice) and that you have this even if you feel like you don't.

@blissfulllife
I agree with you. I have seen too many children moved from a school due to a situation and then running into the same problem at another school because they haven't been taught to slowly work through things and learn to face (with support) rather than avoid. Doing a geographical does not always work.
Of course if issues last for a significant time moving must be an option. But it sounds like this is very recent and therefore there is potential for the school to deal with it still.

@beyondstressedandmore

Thanks all.

The 'mediation' arose when dd called her dad from the school toilets one break asking him to come and collect her (I was at work and she knew that I'd have my phone off).

Dh called the school, who reported back that they'd had a meeting and that both girls had agreed to 'put it behind them'.

Talking to dd's HoY yesterday, the school did think that dd had said something to or about this other girl, which had upset her. In fact, this other girl had decided to start bullying my daughter in the basis of what 'friendship group swap' girl told her.

I checked this with dd - she hadn't corrected their misunderstanding and had indeed apologised for anything she'd done to upset anyone else.

I completely agree with posters who say that moving schools would be looking after dd's mental health, not teaching her to run away from situations.

She seems able to face today, so will play it by ear.

Roll on summer holidays though.

Best of luck x

I wasn't talking about taking her out of school.

Rather that if she point blank refuses to go day after day, looking into other schools.

She actually manages her friendships very well - this was very, very off piste for her.

A factor is how the school responds - I don't agree that keeping a child in a school where bullying is being responded to only through 'mediation' is teaching them anything useful tbh.

She's gone in today with minimal resistance, so that's a relief.

Years ago, I worked in a place where there was one particular colleague who did nothing directly unkind to me, but excluded me from things, was very passive-aggressive etc. The only thing that helped me was getting a new job and leaving. I've never encountered anything like this before or since (even at school) so I'm fairly sure that I had nothing useful to learn by staying there.

@beyondstressedandmore
I think you are going to be ok - the fact she bounced in today means she still wants to be there, hopefully this is a horrible ripple that will disappear. But if not, keep options open, sounds like you are being very sensible. Mothering DD's is terrifying isn't it! Sending virtual hugs.

Thanks Hoopa and others for your support.

How was she at school today?

She came home in floods of tears saying that other children are talking about her and she's stressed and can't focus in lessons. Never wants to go to school again and wants to change school.

Main protagonist was off today.

It was hard working out how much is actually going on and how much is in her head. I do completely understand how you can build something up in your mind to seem like reality even though it's not and the feelings are still real.

Since then, she's perked up and has been laughing with a friend on Facetime, so we'll play it by ear over the weekend. She's pretty chirpy at the moment tbh.

Realistically, the option for the next three weeks is the school she attends (that was useful advice upthread that school movements have stopped now), or no school, which I think would be the worst case scenario, but not completely off radar.

Thanks once again.

Oh bless her. I really hope that things improve over next three weeks so that you can feel confident about September.

I find that mine find things even harder when they have their period coming, its like things that they can usually cope with just floor them. Then they move on whilst I am left still reeling from the emotional fallout! I found this was even more so once they started ovulating (at first when they have periods they don't ovulate) now mine are often very hormonal and emotional around ovulation (mid cycle) then again in run up to their periods. I think around 14 is a common time for this to start. Do you track her cycles with her - there are some good apps. Not that this belittles what has happened with these girls, which is clearly an issue, but it might help you understand when things feel even worst to her.

Yes! It was her dad who suggested that she might be premenstrual, and she is indeed waiting for her period to start.

We'll see how the weekend goes, but I really, really don't want her not to be at school for the next three weeks.

It's so hard isn't it. Our daughter has been having a difficult time. I'm convinced hormones are part of it.

We are taking the line that she has to go to school, even if she can't make it to class, lunch, break etc. This seems to be working as she has a safe space (staffed by support team) to go to, and is increasingly managing to attend classes.

Does your daughter's school have anything similar? It has really helped us to avoid a complete school refusal situation.

Not at the moment, but I was thinking along these lines earlier.

Her stance today is that most of school is 'good', it's just the being stared and talked about that are stressing her out.

Somewhere to go if she's feeling stressed might help.

I think that is it. Fight or flight is a natural reaction, being able to "flee" without leaving school has helped. A short time in a safe space allows the panic to subside.

Being able to attend classes and enjoy aspects of school, whilst getting support helps balance the negative bits. It's also reduced our stress because instead of getting panicked phone calls from a child sobbing in the toilets, we just get to hear that she spent x part of the day in lessons and worked quietly with support staff at other points of the day.

Over time the balance is shifting to more time with friends and in class.

@finkirt it sounds like your school copes brilliantly with the reality of young girls many of whom go through periods of feeling stressed and panicky. I think they are even more prone to this at the moment because of the strange on and off life they have had, reading some much stuff about death and dying due to Covid and a general air of uncertainty in the world. Let’s hope 2022 is a better year to be a young teenager.