Y9 daughter refusing to go to school

[beyondstressedandmore]

My 14 year old dd has always done very well at school, has friends, generally happy.

There has been some friendship drama this year which she's kept out of - it's just not her style. One of her longstanding friends abruptly switched friendship groups a few months ago and (I think to gain status in this new group) told them some unpleasant and untrue things about dd.

One of the girls in this group who dd describes as 'powerful' has got it in for her. There was a 'mediation meeting' between them a couple of months ago where they ageed to 'put things behind them'. I was a bit as to why mediation was considered the right approach as the only point of difference was that this girl wanted to make my dd's life miserable and my dd didn't want her to....

However, I didn't want to blow things out of proportion and just wanted things to settle down. This girl has continued with what the HoY described as 'micro-aggressions' towards my dd eg staring at her, talking with her friends about her and laughing. All standard 14 year old stuff, which dd has been trying to ignore, but it's really got to her now.

She refused to go to school Tuesday and Wednesday. I spoke with her tutor and HoY - the other girls parents were spoken to, the other girl was spoken to etc.

Dd came home today in tears saying that no-one said anything but she felt really stressed and doesn't want to go back to school. At the moment, she's saying that she doesn't want to go to any school which isn't an option. She's generally very resilient and level headed about things, certainly a tendency to be highly strung but much, much less than when she was younger.

I have no idea whether I'll be able to get her there tomorrow and I'm beyond stressed with this, my elderly mother being very needy, my own work stresses and the ongoing strains of the pandemic. My mental health hasn't been great for some months, which I'm receiving treatment for and have been protecting my children from.

What to do? Do I apply for other schools? She won't be able to do at least one of her options anywhere else, but she says that she doesn't mind this. Given the timing, she may have very limited choice about options which she's saying that she doesn't care about but may feel very differently when faced with a timetable that she doesn't want come September.

Has anyone been in this situation? What has helped?

This time last week, even at the weekend, I would have said that dd was a pretty happy, stable 14 year old and had no major worries.

Now it feels that she's spiralling into some sort of mental health crisis and on the verge of becoming a school refuser.

Any words of advice? - I'm feeling completely out of my depth.

TIA

@Hoopa I totally agree. COVID has magnified all the normal issues kids this age face.

Instead of increasing independence they have had months on end at home, rules on how many friends they can meet and we now make them question their health by sticking things in their throat twice a week! The news gives daily tally's of deaths and fear and frustration pervades everything. Is it any wonder that some of them can't always cope with the challenges school brings.

Friendship issues or bullying are SO much harder to deal with if you are already feeling really vulnerable.

@finkirtYour beautifully scripted words made me cry. God what an awful time they have had. I don’t think we could ever have guessed the impact on their mental health.

Thanks to all have posted.

Dd came home from school yesterday pretty calm, although she mentioned in the evening that this girl had again called her names in a lesson, in front of plenty of other children and a supply teacher who doesn't know the background.

Dd went and told the senior teacher who has been handling this situation, who advised dd that 'anymore of this and I'll move her tutor groups'.

I'm feeling much less stressed about it because dd is less stressed, but I'm not overly impressed with how this is being handled.

I know that children who bully need as much support as those that they bully, and I'm not sure that this non-action is doing much for either of them.

Any thoughts anyone? Dd isn't talking about wanting to move schools at the moment, but that could all change when she arrives home at 3.30pm if she's had another difficult day...