Yr9 girl refusing school - what happens?

[BananaBreakfast]

My dd is in year 9 at a wonderful secondary school. She has always found noise and crowds difficult. She loved lockdown learning, which the school managed brilliantly.
Before they went back last week, she asked to stay at home. She became depressed and listless. I persuaded her to go in. Got a phonecall to collect her as she was physically ill with anxiety.
I have told her she can stay home until Easter - it took her over 48 hours to recover - but I am dreading talking to school. They are so good, I just want a magic wand to make it okay for DD to stay there.
DD has asked to study at home, I gently explained this is not on the cards. We have the best possible homelearning setup imaginable, but I would prefer her to be at school.
Please tell me if you had similar experience how it went. Success stories at getting teenager with sensory processing issues back in the mainstream would be great.

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation got clear that going on site isn't going to happen. After Easter they wear softer uniform, it's warmer so they can comfortably sit outside (please weather gods) and the heating won't be on ticking in her head and making her too hot. Also she will have had plenty of time to get used to the idea. I am quite sure you are right about getting them back to school quickly in normal times, but these times are not normal. On top of everything else school had a major incident which has disrupted the whole place.

@joeysapple thankyou - that's really helpful website, and it's helpful to hear someone else say don't send her into harm's way. It's a fine balance.

Having time to get used to the idea isn't generally a good thing for such a prolonged period. Instead the anxiety of return and the 'unknown' increases daily. By being back on site, it doesn't mean attending lessons. It just means walking into the building, perhaps for a chat with her HOY or similar. I know nothing is 'normal' at the moment but that doesn't change the underlying principles of anxiety. As PPs have described, desensitisation is needed. Sitting outside, is that for break and lunch, or lesson time?

You mention a uniform change, is that a private school? If so, expectations may be different, both from them and you.

Ideally you want to be able to agree with school, before Easter, how and when she will return. Will there be time out passes? Can she have uniform modifications? Is there somewhere she can go if it all gets too much? Could a phased return be a good idea?

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

The easy qs:
The uniform is just the summer uniform that everyone wears. It's a State School but very strict. In winter, the standard issue blazer and a woven blouse. In summer, polo shirt.
She can request a timeout pass, which I'm sure they'll give.

Persuading her to go in before Easter is unlikely. Working on it but not hopeful. Have now had chat with senior teacher to agree a plan. They aren't liking the "after Easter" bit.

Ah right, that explains the uniform thing. Would she be able to wear that year round? Seems like a quick 'win'.

I do agree with them on not liking the after Easter bit. Depending on when they break up, it could be a whole month away before she returns. That is a long time to be away. You could start small, drive past school, drive up and park, drive park and get out the car etc. Take baby steps and give her time to make a plan.

Good that she will have a time out pass, they have worked well with students I've taught before.

Bit of an update. We completed the EHCNA form as an exercise but may not send it in. Apparently it will only begin if she has a diagnosis of something, and then take over four months. She doesn't have a diagnosis, so saw doctor. Dr told us to self-refer to CAMHs. Apparently, for a diagnosis of ASD via CAMHS, waiting list is 30 months - ie after her GCSEs. School SENCOs are working with DD to make her feel comfortable in school. Result: DD decided to go in today to complete a piece of work. I'm sitting here trying to get some work done myself, while crossing my fingers that it goes okay today.

Any suggestions of resources to support basic social skills - how to work out who your friends are and how you ought to treat them, small-talk, building friendships, how to be a friend?

I hope today goes well.

You don't need a diagnosis for an EHCNA. The threshold is a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. If DD is not managing to attend school full time due to her MH she meets that test. Any other test (e.g. school must have spent £6k, be 2 years behind, 2 assess/plan/do/review cycles...) is unlawful. EHCPs are needs led, not diagnosis based.

Hi OP. My DDs do the occasional online class with Outschool. They are an online tutoring platform but we mainly used it for fun stuff during lockdown (a Descendants themed escape room for example) They have thousands of classes and have ones that teach social skills.
There’s a few books if you Google. One called Social Skills Activities for kids.

What 10brokengreenbottles said. Read up on the law around EHCPNA. Don't listen to what the school/LA tell you as it's usually wrong!

@spudina , thanks for the suggestions, however these are for younger children. I have got through lots and lots of social skills books. The best one I have is "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship", which was useful when DD was at primary. Currently I'm reading "Friends" by Robin Dunbar, which has the nitty-gritty facts - but how do you apply these in a secondary school setting? How do you know who are your best friend(s)? Who should you say hallo to when faced with a class of 30 kids every morning? What if school have an alphabetical Covid sitting plan and your actual friends are seated on the other side of the room?

@10greenbottles thanks but I don't have any desire to take legal action. I'm trying to figure out what is possible to do that might help my daughter.

An EHCP will help DD. They can include MH support, SALT, OT and social skills training. All of which sound as though they would be beneficial to DD, and they will include the points you mention in your post today at 11.48. A needs assessment alone could help DD, not least by highlighting needs you may not be aware of and providing DD with an assessment by a psychiatrist or CP.

At this point you don't need to consider legal action, you may not even need to appeal, so you have nothing to lose by submitting the EHCNA request.

Unfortunately, the system as it is means those whose parents know what the LA should be providing, can navigate the system and hold the LA to account get more support.

The school could make a reasonable adjustment with the seating plan.

theteachesofpeaches that's so true. LAs and some schools spout nonsense and perpetuate myths.

Well, school have been great. We now have a plan which includes colour-coded timetables; something called "Zones of Regulation", which DD immediately engaged with; also permission to leave the classroom to get herself together; permission to go to the quiet room.
With me telling DD what you people have been saying about it being hard to go back in, she opted to go in herself for a few days. Thanks!

That's great news OP. Really pleased she's had a good experience getting back to school.