Yr9 girl refusing school - what happens?

[BananaBreakfast]

My dd is in year 9 at a wonderful secondary school. She has always found noise and crowds difficult. She loved lockdown learning, which the school managed brilliantly.
Before they went back last week, she asked to stay at home. She became depressed and listless. I persuaded her to go in. Got a phonecall to collect her as she was physically ill with anxiety.
I have told her she can stay home until Easter - it took her over 48 hours to recover - but I am dreading talking to school. They are so good, I just want a magic wand to make it okay for DD to stay there.
DD has asked to study at home, I gently explained this is not on the cards. We have the best possible homelearning setup imaginable, but I would prefer her to be at school.
Please tell me if you had similar experience how it went. Success stories at getting teenager with sensory processing issues back in the mainstream would be great.

I was a school refuser due to bullying and ended up in a pupil referral unit for several months. Following from that I changed school (it took a few weeks to persuade me inside) and I was fine there

WhoisRebecca for the first stage, an EHCNA, the only test is has or may have SEN and may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. DD meets this test. Any other test or hoops (school not spent £6K, not academically behind, no EP report, not had 2 cycles of assess/plan/do/review...) the LA want you to jump through are illegal. If the LA refuse to assess, as they often do, appeal, the vast majority of appeals are upheld.

@QueenPaw I am so glad to hear you found a schl that was right for you.

@WhoisRebecca these are really useful specific suggestions.

@BurningBenches your story is awfully familiar. So glad to hear it turned out okay in the end.

@DaenerysD that sounds difficult, to suddenly find your child having difficulty after years of all being okay. We've been managing this almost from birth, and it still feels like being hit on the head. I do hope your son starts to feel better soon.

@LastTrainToTrancentral thank you, so my instinct to get DD to keep meticulous study diary is right. She hasn't stopped learning. I'll dig out all the evidence of sensory from primary and pre-school and get it in order too.

@hiredandsqueak glad to hear you got a good result in the end. Like your daughter it would not be good for mine to study at home. Great academically but social skills already impaired need developing in supportive setting.

@BananaBreakfast, Ds is 16 and has just had a private sensory assessment that has been paid for by our local authority as part of the EHCP process. The report is really in depth and explains why he becomes so dysregulated. There are also lots of recommendations too.

The OT has said that he needs sensory integration therapy and we are hoping that he can access this via the NHS or if not extra funding through the LA.

@10brokengreenbottles thank you, taking notes. I really don't want to have to go down the assessment route. But may have to. So helpful to have this information.

@WhoisRebecca I hope your daughter gets through it all okay somehow.

Thank you all. Even having seen friends go through similar every child is an individual and each school is different too.

@Punxsutawney that's useful to hear about the assessment. It's also gutwrenching - the assessments seem to be quite exhausting. We were so lucky the support at primary was provided without any labels.

From a teacher pov school refusal is hard for us to deal with too. We want nothing more than your child to be in school and learning. However we also understand why that often isn't possible. School refusers do (ime) fall through the cracks somewhat. Parents either get fined for non attendance (doesn't really help anyone) or the attendance is medical coded and the student is just off for a prolonged period.

IME students who get back into school pretty quickly are more likely to stay. Would she take a part time timetable? The longer students are off, the bigger the idea of return becomes and the harder it is to deal with. Some schools can offer creative solutions, smaller classes, SEN bases, arrive/leave site outside of normal timings.

It sounds like you have grounds for an EHCP however you'd be best served if you have an assessment/diagnosis of any issues.

Are there any specific things she thinks might help? There are ways to avoid students being stuck in crowds and noise. (Letting them out of lessons at a different time, quiet space, time out cards)
School should be looking at what they can do to help. Regardless of assessment.
Does she have a good tutor, head of year or senco you could contact?
Good luck.

I work for a LA teaching students like your daughter as a kind of stop gap service while we see if they can be got back into mainstream school or whether they need alternative provision.

My experience is that some schools and senco's are great, others are mediocre and some are a hindrance to the students they should be trying to help.

You do need to start by having an honest and detailed conversation with your DD's school (possibly after a conversation with your daughter to find answers to the questions below). Does she have a diagnosis? Is there already a support plan? What are the main barriers to her getting into (and staying in) school? What might help (eg half days, favourite teachers/subjects, safe room etc)? What support does she need? What support can school provide?

I wonder why you've said she can stay off till after Easter (not in a critical way): is there something you think will change in that time? Or is it because of the state she was in when she got home? Have you sought advice from her GP for her anxiety?

There are very few students I work with who manage to get the support they need without an ehcp because schools and LA's don't have the funding to pay for more than extremely basic support unless it's mandatory.

I'd echo the pp who said the longer she's off for the harder it will be to get her back. Force the issue with the school and LA.

@BananaBreakfast dd left a huge mainstream secondary. Her current school has just 30 pupils which means sensory difficulties are reduced considerably anyway but the environment is geared to avoid overload as well. There are no classroom displays no flickering overhead lights, no whiteboards, no bells, no corridors to speak of, classes have five pupils max, often there are two or three, the OT is in school and in class and adjustments are made as routine. There are just three lessons a day to cut down on transitions and movement. It was a battle but it's worth it.
My advice would be if at any point in the EHCP process you are refused then appeal to SENDIST. Our LA and I expect many others refuse hoping parents will be discouraged but at SENDIST our LA lose almost 99% of appeals. If you can, commission independent ed psych, SALT and OT reports and there is support available from IPSEA and SOSSEN to help you every step of the way.

I would get her private cbt sessions now so she can talk through her anxiety with a professional and get coping strategies.
Userones advice looks good for getting her back to school even if only for a lesson a day.
If you keep her at home I think her fear of school will mount and it will be harder to go back.
If money were no object maybe you could move her to a small non selective private school. I don’t think the home learning experience will be as good now the majority are back in school and it is better to be in school for the social interaction, sport, music etc

My son had about 50% attendance in s3 (we’re in Scotland, roughly year 9 equivalent). He was doing more than fine academically, but the environment didn’t suit him to the point it was making him ill, and he was on medication for tension headaches. I withdrew him and home educated for a year. We didn’t use tutors or online schools, but followed the syllabus independently. Without the pressure of school attendance he went from multiple migraines a week, to one in that entire year. He did well on his exams, got a place at college, and is now at uni. But I think if I’d tried to force school he might just have ended up dropping out as soon as he was allowed.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer so good to hear things can work out well!

@userone thank you for the helpful advice. She can cope with the idea of going back after Easter so we can have conversations about it. When she is upset she can't process information. But I do take the point about being harder to go back with time so will look at getting her onto the site asap.

Thanks all. I won't post any more here until I have an update.

If the noise is the only trigger then have you considered Auditory Processing Disorder? My daughter has it and can find loud busy environments extremely upsetting. When she was diagnosed everything made sense and school have made several adjustments for her and have been fabulous.

My son is currently refusing and it’s all anxiety based. What if people laugh at me? What if I get something wrong? Etc etc. He has absolutely no symptoms of anything else going on. It’s stressing me out so much. I’m a psychologist/CBT therapist and nothing I say seems to help!

Popping back with an update for anyone else in the same situation. I do take the point about the longer DD is off the harder it will be for her to go back. School have offered informal unstructured chats to support her, which doesn't deal with the sensory overload she experiences.

The approach I am taking is to not send her in if she feels she cannot, as I think that will lead to a worse outcome. We have asked her to come up with her own proposal, so she can regain a sense of agency.

Chats? That’s awful. Not at all dealing with the issue.

I’m sorry to hear that, sadly of all disabilities it seems very hard for them to give young people with sensory processing disorders access in a way they can cope but still get an education

I’m sure you’re already thinking about September and year 10, have you thought anymore about applying for an EHCP ?

Would recommend you join a group on Facebook called Not Fine In School. It's full of other parents dealing with similar.

I'd just say, your daughter has other opportunities outside school (along with the rest of her whole life) to develop social skills. Forcing her into a situation (which I can see you are not at present, but it's clear you think school is best for her) that disrupts her mental health at this age could have long lasting consequences.

Good luck, it's a really stressful position to be in.

What did you suggest to school that would help her get back in? It's difficult to give her somewhere to 'go'. At the moment, these spaces are very limited/impossible due to covid requirements. Where I teach she could have a 5 minute time out pass and wait in the corridor but that would be about it. We would offer a PT timetable to support reintegration and attendance.

I think you need to try and get her on site before Easter if possible.

Can you please google infant reflexes not going dormant and see if this applies to your daughter. I was able to help my son with sensory issues after using a brushing techique focussed on triggering his infant reflexes to go dormant. The full brushing programme is 5mins a day for 12 months but he achieved significant changes in 3 months. I did the sound therapy with him and that helped a little bit but the brushing was like magic. It was developed after the founder watched how babies traced their faces etc in the womb and the brushing techniques follow this patterns.
My daughter has anxiety - please practise asking your daughter deeper level questions about what she is trying to achieve from the things she is asking for - what needs is she trying to satisfy. The need for a quieter environment is obvious - but how does this exactly in her mind help her and then brain storm if this need can be satisfied in other ways.