Mega wobble about private school, please tell me it's been okay for others

[goingpearshaped]

DD is off to our local private school. She loved it from the start and it is without a doubt the right school for her. She is in a state school and I went to a state school too so all new to us. The fees are huge to us (although the cheapest of the private schools in the area). We did not get our state choice and the one she would have gone to is not ideal to say the least in my opinion.

I am wobbling because of the finances. She got a 10% scholarship but not bursary (we must have just been over). We can manage her but I am really wobbling about the possibility of having two children there (other DD in yr 4 currently). I have budgeted and know we can do it if we save save save until yr 4 DD goes but still, it's such a lot of money.

I love the school and the pastoral care is amazing. It will help yr6 DD who has struggled so much with confidence lately. It's a perfect fit for her. Are there others who have done this and it's been okay (or even the definite right decision?)

Anyone? it's causing me sleepless nights!

Yes it is the right decision only if you can afford it. Nothing is worth financial hardship. I would do a precise cash flow mode on exce and log your spending so you know you can start inside the budget limits. Once you know you can afford it, you can relax and watch your daughter thrive.
You should only worry about what you can control. In this case, your saving and spending. Leave the educating to the school. Highly likely your child will flourish if you know you’ve chosen a great school for her. Money well spent.

Thanks @leftandaright, v helpful. I have logged spending etc. I made sure we could. Just means bring so much more careful (I am not a big spender anyway). I am a saver. Hard to do something that others raise an eyebrow at and us different to the norm. Appreciate the reply. She will thrive there, I am confident about that.

Ah man! It’ll be ok but I know what you mean as we have been torn ourselves, just on the cusp re bursary!

I don't want to be negative but it's important to think about things like trips, clothes, days out during holidays etc. If you are just managing to pay fees there might not be a lot left to enjoy life with and she might feel excluded from any friends she may make if she can't 'keep up' with them by going on school trips and wearing latest clothes.
Unless school is truly dire, maybe money is better spent on holidays, tutors, family days out, a LIFE that you will all love and be happier for?
I know some state schools are awful and there are some that if offered a place and option was to sell a kidney to pay fees or send my child there, id be carving myself up no doubt, so I do understand. I just think you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can afford it or afford it JUST. There is a big difference in my opinion and one that will make it hard to justify long term if you're all going without and she's not able to fully immerse herself in the experience

Thanks @TolkiensFallow, well done on the bursary ( assuming you got it). Are you sending your DC to private school then? Assume yes but was not totally sure. I think I am catastrophizing as my mental health is not fantastic right now. Anxiety levels sky high!

Thanks @helpendoftether too, helpful thoughts. I have accepted now and no state school place now so a done deal. I hear what you are saying though and I think we can just do it with some of those things.

Really not trying to be negative! I went to private school and a friend of mine was there on a scholarship and really struggled. She was never able to go on trips, never able to go out on weekends, didn't want to invite us to her house as she thought we'd judge her for being poor (we wouldn't, we loved her!) she told me once she wishes she had never gone as she felt out of place for 6 years

Could you call on any family help if things get difficult? Remember also things could get easier financially - is it possible your family income might increase over the years?
Alternatively maybe a different school might be more suitable for your other DD? I know plenty of families who have mixed and matched state and private. It seems you have made your decision now so it's about making that work.

Take a cold hard look at finances:

Can you still afford a new boiler, washing machine, repairs to the roof, unexpected stuff like that? (Or are you maybe renting? Less costs then)

Can you afford uniform, trips, extracurricular stuff? Can you make it to the end of the month with other costs and still have some spare? Can you afford extra pocket money once they are teens? Teens can get expensive.

You and your partner are the only ones who know if you can afford it.

FWIW we decided not to, and moved our kids to State for secondary. Just as well as all kinds of shit happened and we lost half our income. Kids doing well and very happy there.

I know 2 people who scraped to get kids to private, and I think it was no fun (one always “forgot her wallet” on girls’ nights out. Her husband is famous for going to the pub with just a fiver in his pocket. We paid for her, but it did damage the friendship and we DID notice. She said she had to be frugal (tight) because of school fees. Saying that, she does not regret it and pities my kids in the comp she always bangs on about lack of money though and of being poor. Money is on her mind at all times. It’s made her a person difficult to be friends with.

Another friends’ kids started last year, but her DH lost his job in the pandemic and she is now working 2 jobs and stressing like mad.

For me it’s not worth the stress. But you KNOW if you can afford it, and if you can ignore my ramblings

We’re almost a year in & it’s been great. I’d say at least half of the families are like us - have made choices to be able to afford to send their kids there & it’s doable but not without some sacrifices. There are some obviously very wealthy families but no one thinks twice about using the 2nd hand uniform shop for example. I realise this might change as they get older but I had real worries about us being different to the others & I shouldn’t have.

Sorry to be negative but have you budgeted for fees increases? Fees have been surpressed due to the pandemic, they are due to rise massively over next few years to re-build reserves, pay for an increase in teachers' pensions, expected insurance rises as well as many other issues. Maybe speak to the bursar once your dd starts.

You need to budget for;

Uniform, including PE kit and equipment (eg gum shields, hockey boots, bags etc)

Co-curricular, what's included?

Classroom equipment, e.g, do they expect your DD to be kitted out with a iPad or similar?

Fee increases, can you afford an extra (say) 5%, when your work only gives a 2.5% rise.

Exam fees later down the line (if not included)

Transport, if you're not driving them there.

I agree with above. Some costs are essential . But trips are not. Every trip at my dc’s schools I just waive them on. There’s always several who don’t do trips.
And you have said you have chosen a not too expensive fee paying school which means highly likely that there will be lots in the same boat as you. Take each year as it comes. Don’t sign up for any non essential extras. My dc has a £140 laptop and our termly extras are about £50 for some text books and a cinema trip. It’s really no big deal if you control the spending.

Sorry op but if you can 'only just' afford it and it's giving you sleepless nights, I don't think it can be the best decision. Like others have said there are all the extras and likely large hikes coming in future.

You might think right now that nothing would be worse than the state option she'd have - but worse would definitely be having to move her to a state option in 2 or 3 years because you just can't maintain it - or worse again having to send dc2 state with all the resentment that would likely cause due to the disparity.

If you can't sit back and comfortably say you can afford it then you're placing yourself in a precarious financial position.

I’d start thinking about what you’ll do with your second child. We considered a private school three years ago and it felt doable but my ds ended up going to a state one. Checked the fees the other day and it’s gone up a lot - so glad we’re not paying for two of them. Even if it feels the right place for your daughter, have you looked into waiting lists for other schools? Once she was in your second could follow and you’d have more restful nights.

Once she is in and doing well at the school, schools often have hardship funds if your circumstances don’t stay as they currently are. So while it won’t help, it could be a safety net if something were to go wrong. Hopefully all will be well but worth bearing in mind.

There doesn’t have to be any resentment about sending kids to different schools. I went to a state grammar (albeit in Germany) and my brother to a private school, for financial reasons. There was never any resentment. I love my brother and am very proud of everything he has achieved in life

Be very strict with yourselves when it comes to extras - make sure she knows before you even get to it that she won't be able to go on things like ski trips. Check out how secondhand uniform works, see if you can make contact with other lower income parents who might know the ins and outs of which trips matter, whether they can get away with one pair of trainers not two, etc.

Hopefully in the case that your family income drops, you may be able to re-apply for a bursary. Some schools prioritise helping children already in the school over new applicants.

We have one in private with a scholarship & bursary too - still quite a lot to fork out each term though. We can just about manage but it’s really tight - not much leeway! However she is really happy there, and that makes it all worth while. I had a lot of sleepless nights when she started but now I’m ok with it when I see how happy she is. We haven’t had to fork out much extra yet because none of the extras are on (no trips etc) which has helped a lot - I’m hoping when they start back we won’t be crippled by extras... I’ll worry about that if/when it happens.
Good luck - if you think you can do it I don’t think you’ll regret it if it’s the right place for her.

The big trips are optional and lots of people won't go on them. COVID is even impacting local geography days this year!

DS is at an 'ordinary' private school; 10% of the children get some financial support and the parents come from a range of professions. We've basically chosen DS's education over newer cars and a bigger house. No regrets.

There are a mix of demographics at our private school- there's no comment about one persons big house compared to another rental. Uniform so no comparing expensive home clothes. There are trips but not all go on them. Some people are very wealthy and dome are making major sacrifices.
What I can tell you is that our school has done fantastic work during the kickdiens. All years had lessons from before Easter, the years 4 up to sixth fitm had a full schedule. My daughter is Y11 and if exams were going ahead she would have done fine as they not have missed any of the syllabus.
We go on holiday only every other year to help pay for fees. A small sacrifice for an excellent education.
Only you know what you are comfortable affording. You can always try for a bigger bursary in the future too.

If you had a bursary, is it acceptable to ever go on any school trips? I’m wondering how that works. Say you had enough in the bank to pay for a one off trip, abroad for fun, but at the same time mind- expanding. would that be frowned upon? Would the assumption be that any such money ought first go on fees?

We have two in private school, and are not on a huge wage. We manage, but we are absolutely the family who lives in a modest house/drives a banger/budgets hard etc to afford it. We put ourselves in the best possible position with regards to savings and paying down the mortgage before we embarked on the journey. Children have small scholarships, but no bursary.

Children are now heading to Sixth Form age, and we've decided we want to continue to budget as we do and keep them in private rather than moving them to the outstanding (free!) state Sixth Form college, which is a real testament to how much we believe their schools work for them.

We haven't found a big issue with extra costs for trips/uniforms etc over and above what you would budget at a state school anyway. Fees have tended to rise at c 3-4% pa -we allowed for 5%pa increase in our original budgeting calculations. There's never been any issues about being accepted or our children being poorer than other children. Yes, some families are super rich, but most are making sacrifices to provide their children with what they believe is the best education, just as we are.

It has been stressful having to always watch the pennies to some degree, but as I said earlier, we put ourselves in the best position possible and saved hard before they started, so we have contingency for any unexpected bills etc that come up. We've basically sacrificed moving to a bigger and better house in order to pay school fees, but apart from that we bumble along OK.

For us, it was the best thing we ever did, but it really depends on your own situation, and your own children.

Great post OP. You are making huge sacrifices clearly but honestly the advantages of private v state are so worth it for DD. We have two DDs at Chelt Ladies Coll and what they offer would never be matched by comprehensives. Lockdowns have proven that private really is the best. Whatever sacrifices you make will so pay off. Message me anytime.