"Pupils who lose friends in school move may fail to flourish" - is this what we've condemned our dd to??

[overthehill]

I saw this article mentioned in Mumsnet news roundup and it made me feel awful as this has just happened to our dd. To be fair to us, she was in agreement over choice of school, but she is really missing her friends. What experiences do other people have of this, good or bad?

My dd moved to a secondary school with two others from her primary school. Most of the rest went to two other local schools. So far, it's been OK. She misses her friends, but we've wncouraged her to arrange swimming trips at the weekend and to invite people round. MSM is a lifesaver too. She is starting to make new strong friendships at secondary school, though. Her birthday is in December and she wants a bowling trim. She has chosen her 10 guests - 5 old and 5 new. It's hard - but it works out. I do think that parents have to oversee the friendships though - reminding to text so snd so, suggesting swimming and so on.

hmm - not sure about that - I moved to a school 400 miles away when I went to secondary school - where I knew no-one - and didn't see any of my "old" friends during the school holidays either (my parents moved house in my first term to a different part of town). I can't say it did me any particular harm.....

DH's family had to move during his first year of secondary school, which I've always imagined would be even more disruptive than moving between primary and secondary. I don't think he was ever bullied ... if he was, it didn't have any lasting effects, he has about the most buoyant self-esteen of anyone I've ever met. And he went on to get a first class maths degree, so no apparent academic impact either.

Depends very much on the individual. Some children are affected by a move far mroe than others. I think the social side of it is something to consider - and knock on self esteem issuies - but shouldn't necessary stop any move from happening.

I moved school at age 16. That was a shit age to move.

i moved schools 14 and then a year after that went and lived in France for a year and went to lycee there.

did me more good than harm, i'd say!

I was surprised when I read the article as I'd considered that she'd have the best of both worlds in many ways: primary school friends that she'd known for ever whom she could still see & new friends to branch out with, & it certainly seemed to work out like that for my dsd, who did the same. I know it's silly to worry, but the article made me concerned about ds, who's in Yr 4 and finds it much harder to make friends - but at least he'd benefit from having dd there. My dd's birthday is in December too & we've also had discussions about her party. Current guest list includes 7 primary & 6 secondary school friends, but things may well crystallise over the couple of weeks as she's about to go on the Yr 7 trip to an outdoor pursuits centre (which she's also dreading, poor girl).

I went to five, count 'em, five different secondary schools, and, while the social bits of it were hard work sometimes, I certainly flourished - went to Cambridge then art college, have loads of friends - including one I've kept in touch with since the age of 8 - and a decent career. The biggest disadvantage was university interviews, where they kept asking me strange questions about my schools, until I realise that they thought I kept getting expelled...

It's not the best plan for everyone, but it seems to cause people much more concern than it did when I was at school - a lot of it I think depends on how well set up the schools are for people moving about. Where the school made an effort - or were used to people coming in at different times - it was much easier than in places where most people had been at school together.

But there are advantages too - by the age of 18 I'd seen a much broader slice of life than most people - having been to grammar school, boarding school, comprehensive and slightly mad school - and met a much wider range of people.

I think it this were a big problem, then I'd say that primary schools need to do a better job of preparing children for the move.

When my kids moved from prep school to senior school, it was natural that everyone went their separate ways. The key thing is that they managed the transition. With the various social networking sites that they all seem to belong to, there's no reason why they can't keep their old friends as they make new ones.

With friendship groups constantly changing at that age, I can't really imagine it's a big problem. I certainly wouldn't choose a senior school based on where other kids are going.

DS1 went to a secondary school at which he knew absolutely nobody to start off with. He's doing really well there - he's won the Year 7 Shield for Outstanding Achievement and been elected Form Captain, so don't be disheartened, overthehill

I think a study of only 600 pupils is hardly representative. In my experience (2 children at secondary school so far), most children make new friends very very quickly.

I agree it is nice to have a few familiar faces the first week or so at school, but we have found there are so many opportunities for mixing and making new friends. The school really makes this a focus for the first term, including a Year 7 camp which happens a week or so into the first term and provides loads of fun 'bonding' activities for the different tutor groups. When I look at my eldest two children, within literally weeks they were mixing mainly or only with children they had just met, and a few years down the line they are really only on amicable speaking terms with children from their old primary schools, their 'real' friends are all from elsewhere.

The reality is, that however much the original poster's daughter might be missing her old friends, there is no guarantee that if they had gone to the same school they would continue to be strong friends. I would say that if the friendships are really that important, make the effort to continue them out of school. Some friends will inevitably slip by the wayside, but that's life and that happens whether or not you go to the same school.

I think there is a difference between joining a school as the only new child (I came from an army family and was forever being the new child, and I hated it), and being one new child amongst a whole new Year 7 group. There are many children in my son's year who were the only child coming to that school from their primary school, and they have fitted in and made loads of new friends. It's a slightly different scenario being the new child and having to fit in with existing friendships.

Our ds was also the only one in his class who didn't know anyone (everyone else went to 2 primaries, he went to a different one).

The first couple of terms were definitely tough, as it was very cliquey and he often came home quite depressed as he was finding it very hard to make friends, having been v. popular at primary.

The good news is that everything's changed now, he has lots of friends and a little knot of 4 close friends, so it all worked out well in the end.

My ds is now attending his 5th school at the age of 9 due to lots of upheaval and home moves for us over the past few years. He has become very independent and makes friends easily now, he isn't dependent on his friends but has a good network of friends, he always has. I used to feel terribly bad about the moves, but now see it has had a positive effect to him.

Dd1 went to a different school from all her primary school friends -- her choice, but strongly supported by us. I did ask her beforehand if she was sad that none of her friends were moving with her, but she seemed fine with it. Her line was, 'well I can make new friends at school and see my old ones at home', and that is pretty much how it has worked out (she's in Y8 now).

Having said that, her secondary school do take from quite a wide area, and she'd spent 8-years in a class with the same little group of girls, so was more than ready for a change of scene.

When it's ds's turn for secondary transfer, where his friends will be going is not a major consideration.

I think that article is pants (as you'd expect from the daily Mail ). It doesn't say how old the children in the study were - if they were/are still in yr7 then how can that be a final view? If it is still the case in yr9 then maybe, but it just doesn't say does it?

Not in our experience.

DD1 went to a private school 20 miles away where she knew no-one and positively blossomed.

DS1 went to the school round the corner with 2 best mates and within the first term had 2 new best mates he didn't know from primary.

DS2 went from private primary 20 miles away (same school as his sister) to local grammar knowing nobody at all- no problem.

DS3 went from a state primary 20 miles away to local grammar knowing nobody- no problem.

All missed their old friends but soon made new ones.

Read the OP but not all posts. I can relate to this. My DD has gone to Grammar school. She is with two of her friends from primary, and there are another two in another form at the Grammar. However, her best friend from primary went to a different school, and I expected the friendship to fizzle out after a while, but it did almost straight away. They have exchanged the odd text and phone call but that's it. There was a meet up recently at the local shopping centre with her friends from primary and her best friend from primary was there. The girls spent some time together and my DD said that it was nice, but that her friend spent the whole time talking about her new friends.

At our primary, the kids either go on to a Catholic secondary (in most cases) and you get the few that go to Grammar. Quite a lot of parents have said to me that although their child is capable of the Grammar, they have let the child decide where they want to go, and most have followed their friends. Personally, I don't agree with this. I think 11 is too young to make such an important decision. We very much wanted our DD to go to the Grammar as it's a far better school than the comp in every respect. However, I have seen the 'other side' too re friendships and continuity and so on. Still, I firmly beleive that my DD is in the best place. To be honest, there were quite a few kids in her class at primary that she was good friends with that I'm glad to have separated her from. Even her best friend from primary. I often felt that she wasn't a particularly good influence on my DD. She's very 'old' for 11, into boys and so on, and my DD isn't.

She has a good friend from primary at the Grammar with her, and has made a new best friend there and is happy.

The thing to remember is that even if they all go to the same school, quite often they're split into different forms/streams and friendships can fizzle out anyway, as it's so much more of a 'bigger pond.' It's quite likely that they'll make other friends .

"Children who took part in the study mostly lived in deprived parts of London, the South East and the Midlands."

I think this part of that DM article is fairly pertinent.

Well we're in a SureStart area of the South East, so that makes us deprived.

Hmmm. I'm in a deprived part of London. Many of those round here travelling long distances away from friends (though not my son) are the ones who ended up in the schools where nobody wants to send their children. That suggests a possible reason for the survey result.

It would have been a better survey, IMHO, if they'd looked at children in a variety of areas.

oh yes. You are abosultely right, eliza

I hope it didn't sound as though I was saying that everyone in deprived areas would have children who'd struggle to integrate at senior school if they went somewhere their friends didn't. But I think, in general, there would be different issues at play in deprived areas than there would be in, say, a leafy suburb: schools with more disruptive pupils, children who possibly didn't speak English as their first language (which might make them feel more vulnerable if they were separated from their mates), having to be more watchful on your journey to school if you were going alone, not having the cash to pay for trips to the cinema/pizza with old friends, etc. But statistics never paint the whole picture or show individual experiences, do they?

We don't live in a deprived area but I have had to work hard to keep my son in touch with his pals from his old school. In Sept. he moved to a school where he didn't know anyone and I promised we'd keep up with his old friends. It's been quite exhausting helping him manage two social networks, but it seems to be working and he's making new buddies and seems very happy.

Just gone back to this & am feeling even more that the Daily Mail might be right - not that I would ever have believed I would hear myself saying that!! This is because dd is feeling particularly miserable at the moment and I've found a note saying "I'd rather commit suicide and go and live with X in heaven (our dog who died in May) than carry on at secondary school with my 'friends' that only argue with each other and don't care about me. So basically I hate my life and want my old friends back..." I do hope this phase will pass, but I'm finding it hard to keep my nerve in the face of this. Dh thinks we should leave it till Christams & speak to her aobut it then if she's still feeling the same.

Oh how worrying for you. I have noticed that my two children are quite tired and listless this week. I am wondering whether the time switch and arrival of more wintery weather is making some of them feel a bit down. Also the workload seems quite heavy, too (my son has had a week of CAT tests and vocab tests). I think the teachers think this is one of the serious times of year--before Christmas madness starts. Perhaps this is making the children feel stressed.

But you should keep an eye on her. Can you talk to her tutor/form teacher?