Cheltenham Ladies College or St Mary’s Ascot?

[Strifle]

Looking for any feedback on each school, settling at a boarding school and costs please.
Need to choose one by Monday but haven’t been able to go inside either.
Two issues: boarding/ location for coming home, and costs.
CLC is a solid 3 hours away, St Mary’s Ascot 1.5-2 hours.
She wants to go but would prefer flexi boarding which is not an option, she’ll probably want to come home as many w/es as possible at the start.

CLC is much bigger, St Marys feels safer.

The missing piece if the cost of extras and clubs, neither has supplied a price list, just a list of which clubs cost extra but no indication of the price.
I don’t want her to be unable to continue her lessons and clubs if they are super inflated prices. Any feedback on costs for activities and non academic lessons?

I’m wondering if I should heed the the old adage “if you have to ask the price you can’t afford it”.

She has the best local day option and the free grammar on the plate but it feels we’d regret not letting her have a go at something we assumed she’d never get when we applied as it’s outside our circle.

I think you’re getting a hard time OP. You just asked about the 2 schools and then posters seemed to read into that all sorts of stuff. ( some of them seemed to insinuate you shouldn’t be allowed to consider it unless you’re a millionaire or your family has boarded for generations.)
Perfectly normal for children to be excited/ a bit scared of boarding at the same time. And also perfectly normal for people to weigh it up against day schools. My best friends children are all at boarding schools but they also all applied to day schools as well as they weren’t sure what they def wanted.

@Enoughisenough2021

I think you’re getting a hard time OP. You just asked about the 2 schools and then posters seemed to read into that all sorts of stuff. ( some of them seemed to insinuate you shouldn’t be allowed to consider it unless you’re a millionaire or your family has boarded for generations.) Perfectly normal for children to be excited/ a bit scared of boarding at the same time. And also perfectly normal for people to weigh it up against day schools. My best friends children are all at boarding schools but they also all applied to day schools as well as they weren’t sure what they def wanted.

I just think it’s sad parents convince themselves the best thing for their kid is to send them away 5 days a week. My dad, fiancé and best friend all went to boarding school, and all of them feel resentment about it. It’s taboo to say but I think someone should stick up for the kids.

I begged my parents to go to boarding school and went. My sister didn’t want to and didn’t. I don’t feel an ounce of resentment but I know I could have changed schools at any time.
But the point of this thread isn’t ‘all boarding schools are cruel’.

@Wondermule
“I just think it’s sad parents convince themselves the best thing for their kid is to send them away 5 days a week. My dad, fiancé and best friend all went to boarding school, and all of them feel resentment about it. It’s taboo to say but I think someone should stick up for the kids.”

In my first post I said SHE wants to go but would prefer flexi to start with. This is a massive commitment we are making for her, she’s the centre of the house and her sisters adore her. I am quite distraught at the thought of “losing her” but can’t deny her an opportunity of she really wants it.

She received 6 offers, every one has far better opportunities and results than the local Grammar, all but one (her existing school which is still an hour away) requiring us to move or her to board.

Should we tell her she must stay where she is against her will or else go to the Grammar (which tbf she would accept as she’s acutely aware of the cost and resulting trade off on holidays, gigs etc) because it’s easier for us? How will she look back on that in later life?

I never forgave my parents for not allowing me to even sit the 11+ purely because they would not take me to the train station each day if I passed. If she wants it I want to give her the best start I can.

Should we tell her she must stay where she is against her will or else go to the Grammar (which tbf she would accept as she’s acutely aware of the cost and resulting trade off on holidays, gigs etc) because it’s easier for us? How will she look back on that in later life?

OP, she’s 11! Or is she not even that? When I was 11 I begged my parents to move to Spain, because a girl I knew moved there and I was so jealous. I imagined sunny beaches every day etc. I’m glad we didn’t go now. Your daughter is probably imagining boarding school would be like St Trinians with sleepovers every night etc.

You don’t just indulge the whims of a child on this scale. Saying ‘against her will’ like you’re locking her up is ridiculous.

We can argue about what ‘best start’ means, but I would say it’s about having a loving family around you and a good quality education, which a grammar will provide. The rest is just fancy ‘stuff’ which isn’t worth you losing out on the majority of the rest of your daughter’s upbringing.

It really should be a decision made with the interests of the entire family taken into consideration regardless of how much she wants to do it.

How badly will her sisters be affected by her leaving? How will your lives change if one parent is travelling hours every weekend to collect and drop their sister off? Can you realistically get there whenever she wants / needs or do you have other commitments outside parenting?

How do you all feel on potentially missing out on nice family holidays? Particularly when your daughter is invited to stay at her new friends second homes in the holidays?

Are the opportunities she would get be really worth the £40k per annum after tax she would get more than the grammar? I stood in our local grammar comparing it to the boarding school we also loved and honestly it wasn’t. At the time it would have meant me going back to work in the city full time, not seeing my children and making massive compromises on family life. I really didn’t think that the sacrifices were worth it. Then we came into some money and let my daughter chose between the two. I see the benefits over the grammar - they are blatantly obvious - but not if it meant everyone else in the family was adversely affected.

Another point to note. It’s not actually that hard to get into these two schools. You have to be bright of course but it’s not like the top London day schools. Both schools are also suffering from a significant drop in the numbers of international students right now (like most boarding schools). There are places to be filled. So it’s probably not as an amazing achievement as you feel it is right now. Not trying to take anything away from her achievements here but this year there is a bit more of a need for checking the girls meet the minimum entry requirements and can they pay - place offered. You may also find that you cannot switch an offer of a boarding place to a day or flexi place (you can’t at our school). It has always been easier to get a boarding place than a day place.

So before making what is a very hard decision, take a step back from league tables, school names and glossy facilities. Which school works best for the whole family? You can always try for a 13+ place or 16+ place when your daughter feels more confident about boarding. You’re not saying no. Just not right now.

Wow, people on here are so judgemental and, quite frankly, mean.
You sound like a fabulous mother with a hard decision to make. Of course you want to give your daughter every opportunity there is, particularly if you felt like you ‘missed out’ on something.

Here’s the thing - nothing is set in stone or forever. I say try out boarding - maybe St Mary’s just because it is closer - and if it she hates it and you hate it and the family is fully disrupted then after the year I am sure she can return to her local school. Is that a possibility?

I have found that throughout my life, when I have been on the fence about something, if I have told myself, if I only had to do this for 1 year or 6 months and I knew it wasn’t forever would I still want to try it? And in most cases the answer was yes and I continued on after the time period was up.

Loads of families have 1 child in boarding school and the others at home. LOADS. Every child is different.

Poor thing might also be worried about the cost on your family and sensitive to that, so isn’t speaking up about how much she would LIKE to go.

I do agree with the poster who said that, yes she is only 11 and doesn’t know what she wants, but she wants to try. This isn’t moving to Spain and living on the beach. She sound very academic and motivated and intrigued by having a new experience. Lots of girls aren’t open to that at this age.

If you ask yourself, and her, very seriously - if money wasn’t a consideration and you knew you could come home after 1 year if you didn’t like it, would you still want to do it? Then I think you have your answer.

Finally, there are of course academic scholarships and bursaries. Is it too late to apply for them? Or could she apply for one next year if she is already in the school?

If you are trading holidays then it seriously is not worth it. Whatever you think of me, I have had 2 DDs board. We paid fully for them both. We paid all the extras without having to ask the price. And we paid for all the trips abroad. I do know what its like. There are always people on these boards who say no -one notices. Believe me, they do. Including your DC when their life is very different to the other DC. Schools tend to be quite tribal. Your DD will make friends but you will be in a minorityat the schools you mention. I would not have got DH, me and DD in a Focus when moving her into school.

It is arguably harder to get the grammar place than one at St Mary’s or CLC due to the sheer number applying. If there is potential for a move in later years it would be far easier to go from grammar to independent as opposed to the other way round as grammar places after the main 11+ intake are few and far between.

I don’t actually think people have been slating the OP but some definitely could have phrased things slightly better. As an outsider basing an opinion on what the OP has said, there is concern that:

1. It might not be affordable without significant sacrifices to family life

2. OPs DD doesn’t sound like she is 100% about boarding. It can be a recipe for disaster if a child is not. It actually sounds like the whole boarding thing hasn’t been given proper consideration as it’s come as a surprise she has got the places.

3. OP is talking about moving closer to a school if need be, uprooting the whole family for the sake of one

4. The family is close knit and there’s potentially a situation where moving away for school adversely affects her siblings

There seems to be a whole lot of negatives and no real positives from the OP other than the “amazing opportunity” it would give her. I think people are just displaying rational thought processes based on the information she has provided. The child has multiple offers, including a grammar place, that don’t involve boarding (but agreed some don’t sound ideal) so there are other options.

OP, I think your original post was seeking advice/opinions on St Mary's vs, CLC....

My daughter and I absolutely love St Mary's and we fully intend to accept a spot if an offer is made next year. It is a wonderful, warm school and provides an amazing education.

Please do not let all of these unsolicited opinions and judgements sway you - I am sure you will make the best choice for your family x

I don’t think there are any circumstances that justify sending your child away 5 days a week for half their childhood. I think parents convince themselves their kids really grasp the enormity of it because it’s easier for them.

I went to boarding school and absolutely loved every second of it.

You get a range of people going to St Mary’s Ascot including quite a few with titles but without a lot of money. Their fees are paid by grandparents. They are all very nice girls, but not what I’d call ostentatious. It’s a good option for a lot of busy London families whose children want to do plenty of extra curricular activities without the daily commuting.
In terms of motor cars, not many of these people own expensive cars.

We r also at the secondary school hunting stage but for 13+. We have 2 children. If we wanted we could send both to £39k per year boarding schools but tbh prefer not to. 11 or 13 feels young to leave home and I'm concerned how little you would know what's going on in our kids lives if they were boarding.
My sister used to teach at CLC. The girls are bright and the facilities are fab. I suggested it but DH vetoed it as he thought it looked too 'obvious' on uni appln forms.
I'm surprised the cost of extras is not on their website. But if this tips you over the edge then you're too near the edge IMO.
In terms of distance for us 3 hrs each way is too far.. 3 hrs there, 1 hr chat and load up and 3 hrs home is a 7 HR round trip! I would be exhausted to do that in one day. We did a taster day at a boarding school 1.5hrs each way the other day and I found that exhausting enough with another child and DH in tow.
I think the others are right.. look again at the grammar or atleast the closer st Mary's.
For what it's worth we spend £8k per yr on kids activities. I'd expect this to go down not up as they get older and spend more time doing homework.. but more expensive trips I guess.

I spend a lot of my Mumsnet time rolling my eyes at Presenting Percy, but on this occasion she’s broadly right: it’s very difficult to do boarding school nowadays unless you can afford it and all the extras without blinking. The few seat of the pants parents all have family with money and property, and huge amounts of social capital (titles and family and friends connections) so cold hard cash is less of a pressing concern to them than first it might appear even with their threadbare VW and nail scissor haircuts.

As for the two schools, I know both well. Go for the nearest one that doesn’t involve uprooting the other two children. The two aren’t similar schools at all, and I wonder if you chose them from academic league tables, because really that’s all they have in common. I would say CLC is more ambitious for their girls’ outcomes - they are very committed to Oxbridge and the professional career trajectory. St Mary’s is more laid back and from what I have seen, offers a poorer return on investment on grades, but teaches their girls the soft skills that pay higher dividends in the long run. (I suppose I’m trying to say they always marry well, and have lots of friends).

If you want my honest opinion, I would do neither. If you have an academic daughter, opt for a GDST day school or similar grammar, get a tutor, and then consider boarding at 16.

Personally I see a tribal school at St Mary’s Ascot - that of the socially aspiring. Marrying well has always been part of the ethos, although academically the school has improved. It is a lovely school but if you want serous academics then Wycombe Abbey is better or a good day school.

The comments on the academics of the previous two posters is just not true at all. Results speak for themselves: the St Mary's results are better in almost every metric than CLC, and equal, often surpassing, those of schools that even more academically selective. The idea that its primary purpose is to encourage girls to marry well is wildly inaccurate too. I would imagine the previous two posters' experience of the school is not current.

I went to to CLC in the 90's, I had an utterly horrid time.

Not due to the school itself (though I did find it old fashioned and restrictive...and actually pretty snobby in many instances), but because I was gruesomely unhappy boarding.

Boarding isn't something that you should encourage unless the child is 100% pro. I know several people in their 40's undergoing therapy to deal with trauma that started with being separated form their parents age 11 by boarding school.

My brother also boarded (Christ's Hospital) and he had a wonderful time. He was ready for it, I wasn't, and in fact I'm not sure I ever would have been.

This thread is almost a year old. OP must have made her decision.

@Strifle If you don't mind sharing, did you decide on one of the boarding schools in the end?

@Grandjany @BirdTurd Do you have DDs at St Mary’s Ascot? The comments on academics sound totally misinformed, I agree with @WayDownInTheHole… I have a DD at the school and one who finished recently (I won’t say where she is now but she could not have done any better had she gone to a supposedly more academic school ). Girls get top grades, it was actually in the top 10 of the Times’ independent schools league table in 2019 (the year before exams were cancelled/grades inflated), way above most schools discussed on this thread and London’s most selective day schools. My DDs were offered places at WA and other uber selective day schools in London and made a positive choice to go to St Mary’s for its ethos and warm atmosphere (+ they wanted to board). It’s obviously not as selective as other schools due to the siblings policy but girls get similarly top grades/uni offers which speaks volumes about the quality of the school.