TOXIC friends - do I change my son to another school?

[WilliamG66]

Hello,
I am considering changing my 12 yo school in mid year, mainly because the only friends he has are very toxic and are making him really unhappy. He is in Year 8 so all kids’ groups are well established so it is really hard to make new friends.
He doesn’t want to change schools but I am really worried about him finding nice friends.
Have already spoken to the boys and asked them to be nice to each other and be good friends, but they continue to call him names, make him feel guilty about spending family time and basically being really nasty to him.
I have not spoken to the school yet because my son is worried that they will make a big deal of it and he’d end up being called a snitch and being victimised by other kids and end up alone during school break times etc.
I don’t know how to help him.
Any advice very much welcomed.

I’m not sure all friendship groups are as hard at fast in Year 8, or ever really at Secondary. DD1 flitted across several in Secondary and DD2, also Year 8 is now in a different social group than in Year 7 as she didn’t really like the group of girls she was in.

Possibly the best option is to edge himself out? Could he join a couple of lunchtime clubs just as a) a break from these kids and b) a way to meet others? Does he travel in or know boys outside this group he could hang with? That’s what DD2 did, she was very friendly with a girl on her bus and basically asked her if she would mind if she spent time with her and her friends.

My experience with DD1 was really that they don’t stay hard and fast in their initial groups. I’d suggest to him that he starts proactively branching out and edging out.. but if that doesn’t work then I think you need to seize the bull by the horns, go in & find out about the possibility of him moving class.

Year 8 is the time when children realise they don't like all the friends they made in Year 7, and make new ones. So entirely disagree with your assessment that friendship groups are established. And, if this was the case, why would it be any different at another school?

It's very difficult at the moment with limited extra curricular activities running, but I'd encourage your child to join any that interest him that are available. And just try to talk to new people. He may well find someone in the same boat as him. Suggest he disengages from the nasty friends - maybe block them on social media.

Doh! Sorry just thought if your DS’s school is like DDs then the current number of lunchtime clubs may be a lot smaller thanks to Coronavirus. Are there any running at all at lunchtime he could join? Or perhaps he could start to separate himself by claiming that there are pieces of homework he needs to do a lunchtime in the library? Just trying to think of ways he can edge out which is less noticeable than an immediate drop out!

If your school is doing solely whole class teaching in Year 8, due to Covid, it might be worth seeing if he can swap classes? That will automatically give him a new friendship base.

I agree with @RedskyAtnight about social media.. but perhaps not removing himself from the group or blocking which will definitely get backs up but just instead turning his phone off when he gets home or turning alerts off and not contributing (or contributing very little on a very infrequent basis).

DD is in yr9 and her friendship group this year is quite different. It's as if she's finally found the right group.
Do contact the school, not to complain but maybe to ask if there are any planned changes ahead to forms or streams that might help.
DD's school rejigs the forms in yr9, and some lessons are being set into streams this year too. I think they understand that the dynamics change and this has worked really well for DD.

Thanks for your comment SJaneS49. The boys are not on his actual class but are inherited from primary school. He has made acquaintances in his class but spends break times with these other 2 boys as other boys have their own groups already formed. One of the boys even travels with him to and from school everyday so breaking away would be even harder.
My husband is now determined to change schools but I don’t think it’d be as simple as that and it might make it harder for him.
But I feel as if I am ignoring the bullying so that he doesn’t end up alone...😔

Disagree, year 8 is a great year for making new friends, as Redsky said.
Email HoY and put your concerns to them aswell. Let pastoral care help him find new friends.
No need to move schools. Yet.

Please talk to the school before doing anything drastic.

Schools have lots of experience of this sort of thing and may be able to come up with ideas that you haven't thought of.

He has made acquaintances in his class but spends break times with these other 2 boys as other boys have their own groups already formed

The other boys may well have their own groups already formed in the same way that your son does i.e. out of habit, rather than necessarily friendship.

Time for him to be brave and hang out with the acquaintances in his class. And hence avoid the other boys at break.

Thank you all for your messages- it really helps to talk to others about it as I feel very upset for him.

He likes the school and he seems happy in his class but the real struggle seems to be after school when he connects with the boys whilst gaming - when the arguments start and things get nasty. When he switches off he is called a loner, when he complains about them calling him names , he is told it is only banter and he is called a snowflake. There is no break from it. If he plays by himself, they see he is connected and bombard him with messages to join them. It is not every day but often enough to make him really upset.
My thought of changing schools is to simply take him away from it completely, but I do understand that it is a very drastic measure.

Just get him to tell them that his mum wants him to have a break from x box. Like a 'Dry January'.

Yes, sometimes young people really appreciate having a mum to blame for avoiding things they'd rather not do.

Yes, DS does say that he just needs to go and switches off but still gets the flack for it. Also hard when he wants to play on the Xbox by himself and they see him online, as they just don’t leave him alone or call him weirdo for not joining. I cannot understand why some people cannot just be nice. Why criticise others constantly? Why making others feels bad? It seems to be mainly one of the boys, the instigator, and the other one just joins.
I know their mums since primary and I have been tempted so many times to speak to them but my DS doesn’t want me to get them involved.

Sometimes children need their parents to intervene whether they want them to or not.

Contact the school, they should be doing work on social media and 'banter' and stuff like that. They can bring it forward if necessary.

Don’t speak to the mums, it won’t help.
You can try the school but if the nastiness is only happening in the evenings on the Xbox they probably can’t help either
I think the only solution is to closely monitor his online playing and remove him from it if things get out of hand
If he doesn’t want to change school you shouldn’t make him, especially as things seem to be ok at school

My DD had similar problems in y7&8. In the evening there were a lot of tears, then one week I noticed no tears and when asked she had moved on to new friends. Literally told the old group that she wasn't happy and moved to a new group. It helped that in y9 they had started their GCSEs - new class sets etc and options introduced her to new people ie music group. Also swimming club after school.(things will resume, I hope soon). I'm not an x-box expert but can he change his username? If this is happening in the evening changing schools may not help. And yes I have been used as many an excuse! All the best

Can you change the settings on the Xbox so it doesn't look like he is online?
This doesn't really sound like a school issue, more of one where he is struggling to assert boundaries with these boys. If I were you I would work on strategies for that first. He does need to learn how to say no to friends - it won't get easier by ignoring it and surely it's better to get that skill now than wait until the bad influences are teenagers and the stakes are higher.
Not sure if it would work with an older child but I used to role play potential situations with DD when younger when she was having a few friendship issues so she felt more prepared for the real thing.
I get the impression from DD that boys are quite brutal in how they speak to their friends at high school. Can't be easy if your son is not naturally robust in his ways!

If the struggle is mainly XBox related, then moving schools won't help at all. They will still be connecting with him after school.

You are all so lovely..thank you!
Boys can indeed be brutal when playing games - loads of arguments, always competing to be the best at the game, etc but name calling gets to me and my DS doesn’t like either. He does try to stand his ground most of the time but there are times when it all gets too much. It breaks my heart.
I will speak to the school when they get back - I am hoping that they will re-start clubs soon and I am also hopeful about Y9s GCSE groupings- giving him an opportunity to open his horizons in therms of friends.
Will speak to him about adding a new XBox username a that’s an excellent point! Thank you so much to the people that suggested it!
You are all amazing 🤩

My Ds2 is a similar age and we have not had any x box issues. He just wouldn't tolerate it, he's incredibly strong and twice stood up against bullies of his friends, in the playground. He's never had friendship problems.

His whole x box life is nothing but fun and squeals of laughter. He plays with nice boys. And the boys on his football team. Are also the absolute sweetest. Please believe me that what you see is not what it needs to be like.

But. There was endless problems in his year, on x box, in year 6, last year of primary. It was reported to school and we all knew about it. When I asked Ds he said he'd heard about it. But the people he played with just weren't like that. Of the say 8 mums I knew, in his year, half of them said that sons had problems - with this reported group, and half of them said that their sons had never had an issue and played with boys who were simply delightful.

Get your son off the x box.
Then. He will make nice friends. New friends. Worthy of him. Just like me Ds2.

Hope that doesn't sound cocky, (don't worry I've had my fair share of different problems with Ds1!!)
I'm just trying to encourage you to realise that this can be fixed, and before long he'll have new friends and won't give these 'friends' a second thought!

I know I have girls but I think from what I’m observing, in Year 8 DC are in general pushing boundaries more with friends and more resilience is needed. DD2 is Year 8 and a very polite and rule abiding kid but when I listen in on her conversations with friends she has over, there does seem to be a bigger element of teasing each other and calling each other names (usually followed by a lot of laughter). I did speak to her about this as I was taken aback listening to her and her best friend tease each other about greasy hair, spots, being short etc as in the past she’s always been very careful about upsetting people. She told me that this was the way they all spoke to each other, no one took it seriously and no offence was meant. In retrospect I remember being like this with my best friend at Secondary - we still call each other by the derogatory nicknames we called each other back then.

In a long winded way I think what I’m saying is that the name calling at this age might be a stage and might be being said without the actual intent of causing the offence it does. I’m not saying that’s ok though by the way!

My DD is in Y8 also. I would say that given the circumstances, friendship groups are at end of y7 levels and definitely not set in stone. They haven't had most of their y7 and are still stuck in the 'the person I recognise is my friend' phase. DDs school has mixed classes up so she's made new friends but she was very lonely at the start, simply because she went into the school knowing no one, and continued to do so in Y8. She rekindled lots of primary school friendships in lockdown because she just didn't make strong enough friendships before schools shut.
I would definitely speak to the school and see if there is anything they can do, he will be one of many with the same problem.
However, I have noticed that there is a lot of peer pressure across the board at this age.

I think year 8 is the year they really change their friends and mid year 9 is when it really settles and it they then stick together until they leave school. If it’s Xbox issues I can’t see how it will change woth a new school

Changing him school will not change the gaming situation. He should be able to block them or change the device he is using ? I.e leave the Xbox to play on computer, so reaching out to other crowds.
My DC are in great schools, so in such as case I wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to their form tutor and rely on the school pastoral care, if this an option for your school ?
In parallel could you reorganise your DC commuting to school ? I.e drive him to school for instance ?
I wouldn’t hesitate to use the current Covid situation could be used as an excuse for a variety of tricks.
Your son hasn’t done anything wrong so moving him to another school might feel
like a punishment, though it is of course understandable to consider.
Finally, he should start dropping subjects from next year (in our experience) so he will be reorganised in different classes/sets etc so if you can weather this current school year then things will be looking different next year. Good luck ! It is hard but think it is solvable